Helping grandchildren face first Christmas without Daddy

My husband died three years ago. Our daughters were in their mid, late thirties, each with two children under six. They were as yiu describe, initially wanting to do things differently but soon asking for Christmas to be as it was when daddy was alive. That’s exactly what we did.
Sending love x

I feel for your daughter and children, it must be very hard. I think it is important that the children know that it is OK for them to still enjoy Christmas as that is what their Dad would have wanted even though they and their Mum are sad.

Follow their lead, if you can, and look out too for their Mum.
Good wishes to all of you.

Could you introduce one new small special tradition dedicated to their Daddy/

My father died when I was in my 60s, but he always sent me flower every Christmas and my DD has continued doing that saying that they are flowers from my father. Obviously for children, it might be a visit to a carol concert or seving one of his favourite meals. Would laying his place at the table on Christmas day help or make matters worse.

There is no way that the pain and sense of loss can be mitigated this first Christmas but perhaps inroducing a Christmas event in memory will help incorporate their father into this year and in the future.

The first Christmas I removed the carver chair that my husband always sat in to avoid the empty chair. The space at the end of the table was dreadful to me, though the children ( a bit older than the OPs grandchildren) seemed to just get on with crackers and food and stuff).

The second Christmas I kept the carver chair in place because the empty space had been so terrible to me. By chance I had won a giant teddy bear in a Christmas Eve raffle and when I came in from the kitchen they had sat the Teddy Bear in the carver chair and were in fits of giggles over it.

I realised then that each of us does our missing and bad moments in our own way and that the chair held no pain or significance for them.

I think my point is that the children will lead the way in what they want Christmas to be and it’s best to just go along with whatever they want. That will probably mean adults sometimes having to do what they don’t want to do and sometimes facing the rejection of what they thought would be a lovely thing to do.

I do appreciate that adults have needs too, but just for Christmas I’d try to put that all to one side.

💐

I agree with letting the children take the lead.
They are not very young children and will have their own views of what Christmas without dad is going to be like.
I was 11 when my father died and as far as I remember we just carried on although Christmas then was very different to now.
They need time and space to be sad and remember and if there are things they enjoy and to be with friends at times then that is what they must do.
We spend too much time putting ourselves in their place, they will know how they feel and should be allowed to express that.

Can I just add, please don't be afraid to keep talking about him.
My husband and a friend both had their father die as children and everyone was afraid to talk about them.

My husband feels thar he really missed out with this.

My heart goes out to your daughter - and you, because you love her and feel her pain - as well as the children.

Thank you all. We do talk about him all the time. We laugh and cry at the lovely person he was.

Let them lead. Talk about him openly linked to Xmas Traditions etc and memories of other Xmases. Talk to your daughter in advance and be sure that you are clear how she wants to play it. 💐

My grandkids were 4 and 6 when their Daddy died it was very hard for their mum and for them but now they are very very successful adults …. she did well

My children (not grandchildren) were 9 and 6 when my husband, their father, died. He died in March, so that would have seemed very distant to the children by Christmas. I clearly remember that I found filling their stockings by myself very sad and lonely. Christmas Day itself was always spent with my parents, so that was a distraction for them, and they were used to not having a father by then, I think.

Whatever you do I wish you love and hope and prayers x

When my mother died my children were 17, 15 and 13. She died in October and we agreed (along with my stepfather) that we should eat at a restaurant on Christmas Day. It was ok, but not brilliant. When my dad died at 48, I was 25. Mum thought we should do everything at Christmas as we had before, which included visiting the local hospital where mum was a nurse, with satsumas and chocolate. It wasn’t the same. I’m afraid in my experience that first Christmas after a parent dies is simply one to get through.

Pleasebenice I can only say what we did . My children where 20&16 when their dad died aged 47. We stuck to our family traditions at home as Christmas was my husband's favourite time of the year . But once they left home and my daughter came for Christmas and my son for new year . Things changed mainly what we ate.

My husband died in 2004 but even to this day My tree goes up 1st December and decorations and down on new year's day . But as they got their own children other things changed .

2003 was my husband's last Christmas. I made a pact with myself I could be sad and cry Christmas eve but never Christmas day . Which I have stuck to. This year finally gave lot of Christmas tree decorations to charity shop and brought lots of new tree decs . But then again most them were 30+ years old.

All you can do is be there and do want the children want to do and if your daughter asks for help provide it. Just tell if she does need help just ask.

My children where lot older and we had known from 2001 their dad wouldn't live 5 years.

I can't comment further as I never talk about experiences unless I have first hand knowledge .

Unfortunately grief is the price we pay for love and it's a heavy price to pay at any age. But 12&13 grief plus puberty is going to be very hard for your grandchildren. .

Just be guided by your daughter and grandchildren and when they want to just be the 3 of them give them that space .

Such good advice Whiff...especially the last sentence.

Pleasebenice I have ( and still are in your situation) our daughters husband died 3 years ago leaving 3 children , 11 , 13 and 16. Our DD like yours has and is amazing - we are so proud of her.
Our GC like yours like to retain their Christmas family traditions. I am sure you are doing the right things , talking to the children about how they feel and including your SIL in conversations. I have been surprised at the resilience of my DD and her children. As a Grandma it is so hard , worrying about them all. Be strong , I promise you they will be OK . I have tears in my eyes as I type remembering the trauma of our son in laws illness. He is always in our minds and we will always miss that lovely man .
The children are lucky to have you and as time goes on they will possibly talk more and more about their father.
I have realised what a wonderful job our daughter is doing. Acknowledging with her children the overwhelming sadness but encouraging them to get on with their lives. I now ' see' how resilient the children are but that is due to my daughters healthy attitude.She does not want them in constant sadness she wants them to grow with happy memories of their father and he would want that too. I am sure your daughter feels the same . Have a lovely Christmas and raise a glass to your son in law and all will be well.

So very sorry you’re going through this. I can’t add advice only love and hugs. Xx🤗❤️