Ex Husband's death

I was in the same situation but I m afraid I felt nothing much when he died probably makes me a horrible person I think all my sadness over a lot o f years had left me completely devoid of emotion for him I didn’t hate him or anything just felt numbed to any emotion about him

Ilovecheese

To be honest, although I do sympathise with you, if I was his third wife and actual widow, I think I would have been a bit off with you as well. Maybe cut her a bit of slack.

Yes I think the same as you do.
I won’t be shedding any tears for my ex husband when he pops off that’s for sure.

theworriedwell

I imagine your feelings for the man you loved not the man he became. I hope expressing your feelings here has helped even if just a little.

Absolutely, totally so. Because of all the love there once was, and that we then idealise "the might have beens, only if's".

3 years now after my split with abusive Ex, it still lingers - those amazing first 5 years? perhaps too magical, not grounded enough in reality, passion is not enough?

(Fortunately, there is much to be grateful for, for my first, longer marriage gave me my DS and DGC, and an amicable relationship with first Ex)

*with her

I don't know why you would be "off" woth her Ilovecheese.
She is aware that his 3rd wife is the widow.

To be honest, although I do sympathise with you, if I was his third wife and actual widow, I think I would have been a bit off with you as well. Maybe cut her a bit of slack.

I can emphasise with the OP. Okay, my marriage broke down not due to particular abuse. Probably we were both to blame, although largely it was due to the fact that my hubbie could never come to terms with the dreadful MS which rendered him very disabled and unable to work.

Neither of us ever had any other relationship, and with five children in common, for most of the time remained good friends.

A few years ago he changed - and became very hateful to me. Had little effect on me, by then we had already lived apart for nearly 20 years. He divorced me and then cheated me out of a lot of money. I did not see him once i had moved away in 2019. He died at end of 2024, and I was so astonished at how upset I was. Yes, it was grief for what should have been, not what actually had been.

Strangely I have now put a photo of him and me together up in my living room. Have not had one of those since he left back in 1994. He remains my children's Dad and the g.childrens grandfather. We did have a lot of good times in the earlier years, and it is important that those are remembered.

Grandmabatty

Probably you were crying for what might have been

I agree with this. You loved him once and you wanted that love to last. That is why you are upset. It is understandable.

I understand. My father was a violent, abusive, adulterer. He made our childhood a misery. Yet when he died, we were really upset. Like you, I wished him dead many times as a child.

@Chardy You are so perspective. Your words have been exactly what I needed to hear. I feel so much better today and, yes, my second husband is a sweetheart. Thank you everyone. Hopefully no more tears!

my sister was in an abusive marriage, he went with other women, he hit her , she divorced him...they had 4 children. when he died,I was visiting her and she was crying,she said, I know he was no good, but he was my childrens father.

I know how you feel because I was exactly the same. It seemed illogical to mourn someone who made my young life so unhappy.
On reflection I think it was because we had children together and did initially have shared hopes and dreams before the abuse started

Imo mums get the double whammy of their own feelings and their adult children's feelings. Do our kids harbour hope that their relationship with an abusive parent will improve, and now it never will?
Accepting grief, especially when it's illogical, is so personal. Is part of a divorced person's grief, actually sadness for a lost marriage all those years ago?
The knowledge that we will get through the grief helps us all get through it.
Thank you grannietotwins for making me think about it all. So sorry your first marriage was so difficult. Husband no 2 sounds like a sweetheart

I'm so glad this has helped.

What wonderful and thoughtful answers. Thank you so much. I think the photos reminded me of my hopes and dreams of a happy home and family life. I had to wait until I was nearly 50 to achieve that. The failure felt crushing. I knew others' perspective would help.

I've been to plenty of funerals at which people (including me) have been obnoxiously rude, or utterly overwhelmed and unexpectedly bereft in a way they had not foreseen.

Let it go for now. Accept your tears as part of a long healing process that you deserve and need.

I once read a book by a woman who ran an adventure holiday centre for children. She said that most of the children who suffered badly from home sickness turned out to come from very unhappy homes. She said it was as if their brains manufactured a fantasy perfect home and it was that that they were missing,

And also sad about what went wrong... and also remembering the young woman you once were, and your "getting away" maybe.

Good news that you have a wonderful husband now.

I'd suggest you're all upset because of what he should have been to you, not what he became. All your young dreams destroyed.
Sadly there are bad people in the world.

Be thankful you found a better man in your wonderful husband 😊

They might not have been tears of sadness. I would imagine they were tears of relief as in its over, he’s gone.

Probably you were crying for what might have been

Yes. It's definitely helped.

I imagine your feelings for the man you loved not the man he became. I hope expressing your feelings here has helped even if just a little.