Happy Birthday...but Happy Death Day

My late darling mum had what our eldest daughter termed ‘a good death’. She deserved that. Orphaned at nine years old, widowed by my father at 45. She was in hospital at the end of life with pneumonia “the old person’s friend”. Just quietly slipped away with gentle oxygen to soothe her. We were all with her in shifts and my sister and I were either side of her bed as she died, holding her hands.

My daughter said it was as though she’d just left us to go into a room next door. Peaceful. Kind. Deserved.

Miss you so much mum, 8 years on.
You would be so upset to know what we are going through.
xx

I still enjoy listening to Jim Reeves Transcend so comforting.

Only those who have lived through looking after people with dementia or a terminal and painful illness can know what it is like for the sufferers and those who care for them.
It is a blessed relief when it comes to an end and no one should judge.
It is hard to try to live a normal life after but one should try, we have done our best for our loved ones and deserve some happiness and relief from the awful stress of caring .
Yes it can be a “ happy death” for all.

It will be a release for my DH but oh my goodness I am dreading the empty bedroom.

My husband died some 3 years ago. But what hastened his death from cancer was the sudden and totally unexpected death of our younger son a few months earlier.
I had promised my husband that he would die at home. McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care. The community nurses were beyond helpful and kind. I was on my own, managed, an£ was with him when he died. Yes, he died quietly, peacefully and with me holding his hand.
In both cases, I was glad for them, although Philip was only 39, he wasn’t in a good place.
My problem is me - I miss them both viscerally every hour of every day - despite the big grin plastered on my face. I’m getting used to their absence, and am getting better.
I completely understand the thread and am really happy for the posters with their attitude. Death is not to be feared, especially if with good palliative care.

I think the best thing we can learn from our losses and the losses of others is compassion and deep, deep love. In the long run that is what is important

My mother had dementia for over 6 years, she recognized none of her family, could do nothing for herself, yes I was very sad to lose her and people I met always said how sorry they were to hear that she had died, except one lady , I met her while I was shopping, she came to me and said " I'm happy to hear that your mum has passed, now all her suffering is over.
and she was right, we miss them but don't want them to suffer any more.

The four people I've seen breathing their last, including DH, were all old and frail and none in intractable pain.
But I have a dear friend who has been helpless and bedridden for years with MS, her once-beautiful husband a shadow of his former self, worn out with looking after her devotedly. Of course, she has become selfish and demanding, and now somewhat confused.
I can't help feeling that a release from this cruel disease would be a relief for him and their family.

Anniebach,
30 is a ridiculous age to die and I am so sorry you lost your husband at that young age.
You have coped all these years (I have read posts from you before) and I am full of admiration for you. Consider me a big fan. 💐

Such a sad but real post from you all. God bless.

My husband died age 30, on duty, a police officer. Yes I was shocked, grief stricken, yet there was a thought of ‘thank God’, he had spoken of injuries from accidents/attacks etc and his greatest fear was surviving with an injury, never to climb mountains, play rugby, work with mountain rescue ever again was hell on earth to him.
.

Thank all of you for your support and your candid responses. My husband was not pain free. He refused the pain meds because they made the floor move, took what little clarity he had and made creatures crawl up the wall. He could not get a good breath even with the oxygen machine. No family came because his middle aged daughters were so awful to him he forbid them to come. His grandkids did not care at all. They all live 1,000 miles away. I did everything he wanted me to do. It was an awful death.

Not long before he died I recited some words to a song by Jim Reeves, a country singer. "This world is not my home. I'm just a passin' through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore." He said, "That's how it is." He was spiritual, but not religious.

I know he is fine now and free from all the other stresses of his early life. That makes this a Happy Death Day

I've had good memories all along. They make the pain slice deeper. I am doing better in some ways now, but that just means I can manage better, not that I am better.

I have a friend with MS who now also has dementia. She is bedridden, so I can relate. I've known her for 70 years.

Death is doorway to utopia.

My dear father suffered for years with MS; in fact for the last four years of his life he was bedridden. There was no quality of life, and we were all relieved when he did die. Poor man. It was hard for us of course, but we were happy he was let go from his painful life.

So I do understand your post Transcend.

I have heard the expression ' a good death ' but never really understood what it meant....until I lost my darling husband in April.
He wanted to be at home to die...he wanted no intervention..but just to be comfortable and painfree.and be looked after by me.
With the help of my daughter's and other family and the fantastic Macmillan nurses..the GP and the Home Care team we achieved all of that.
He was peaceful . comfortable and pain free and surrounded by love .
But oh lord..do I miss him..

I have never lost a partner either but recognise why you feel the way you do. A very dear friend of mine lost her husband recently, he suffered greatly with not only physical illness but also advanced dementia- their lives were hell on earth. At his funeral many people said how sorry they were. Her response was , " don't be sorry, the pain has not just started it has just ended"
I knew exactly why she said that. So perhaps for both of them ' Happy death Day' is appropriate. Of course she is never the less very distressed.

I visited a dear friend of sixty years yesterday, she is end of life after four long years of treatment and hospital stays. She refused hospital admission four days ago. She is dying in her bed at home, surrounded by family and friends who love her. It’s a good death I hope. They’re well stocked with pain relief and hospice carers
Thanks for your OP Transcend. Most of us will have by now been close to the death of loved ones. My lovely husband lost the ability to make decisions so we acted on the wishes he’d expressed. Death released him and I’m relieved I was able to advocate for him

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Hello Transcend.

I've never lost a partner so I can't share the same type of pain but I just wanted to say that you have captured the emotions surrounding your husband's passing really eloquently.

I absolutely undertand what you mean. The death of a loved one is very often absoluely the right thing and absolutely the wrong thing - depending on who you are.

I would count the time without your husband as being still in the raw grief period. But I hope you are now able to at least reflect on the happy memories and get some peace knowing he is released from his physical pain.