Happy Birthday...but Happy Death Day

Hello Transcend.

I've never lost a partner so I can't share the same type of pain but I just wanted to say that you have captured the emotions surrounding your husband's passing really eloquently.

I absolutely undertand what you mean. The death of a loved one is very often absoluely the right thing and absolutely the wrong thing - depending on who you are.

I would count the time without your husband as being still in the raw grief period. But I hope you are now able to at least reflect on the happy memories and get some peace knowing he is released from his physical pain.

I visited a dear friend of sixty years yesterday, she is end of life after four long years of treatment and hospital stays. She refused hospital admission four days ago. She is dying in her bed at home, surrounded by family and friends who love her. It’s a good death I hope. They’re well stocked with pain relief and hospice carers
Thanks for your OP Transcend. Most of us will have by now been close to the death of loved ones. My lovely husband lost the ability to make decisions so we acted on the wishes he’d expressed. Death released him and I’m relieved I was able to advocate for him

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I have never lost a partner either but recognise why you feel the way you do. A very dear friend of mine lost her husband recently, he suffered greatly with not only physical illness but also advanced dementia- their lives were hell on earth. At his funeral many people said how sorry they were. Her response was , " don't be sorry, the pain has not just started it has just ended"
I knew exactly why she said that. So perhaps for both of them ' Happy death Day' is appropriate. Of course she is never the less very distressed.

I have heard the expression ' a good death ' but never really understood what it meant....until I lost my darling husband in April.
He wanted to be at home to die...he wanted no intervention..but just to be comfortable and painfree.and be looked after by me.
With the help of my daughter's and other family and the fantastic Macmillan nurses..the GP and the Home Care team we achieved all of that.
He was peaceful . comfortable and pain free and surrounded by love .
But oh lord..do I miss him..

My dear father suffered for years with MS; in fact for the last four years of his life he was bedridden. There was no quality of life, and we were all relieved when he did die. Poor man. It was hard for us of course, but we were happy he was let go from his painful life.

So I do understand your post Transcend.

Thank all of you for your support and your candid responses. My husband was not pain free. He refused the pain meds because they made the floor move, took what little clarity he had and made creatures crawl up the wall. He could not get a good breath even with the oxygen machine. No family came because his middle aged daughters were so awful to him he forbid them to come. His grandkids did not care at all. They all live 1,000 miles away. I did everything he wanted me to do. It was an awful death.

Not long before he died I recited some words to a song by Jim Reeves, a country singer. "This world is not my home. I'm just a passin' through. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore." He said, "That's how it is." He was spiritual, but not religious.

I know he is fine now and free from all the other stresses of his early life. That makes this a Happy Death Day

I've had good memories all along. They make the pain slice deeper. I am doing better in some ways now, but that just means I can manage better, not that I am better.

I have a friend with MS who now also has dementia. She is bedridden, so I can relate. I've known her for 70 years.

Death is doorway to utopia.

My husband died age 30, on duty, a police officer. Yes I was shocked, grief stricken, yet there was a thought of ‘thank God’, he had spoken of injuries from accidents/attacks etc and his greatest fear was surviving with an injury, never to climb mountains, play rugby, work with mountain rescue ever again was hell on earth to him.
.

Such a sad but real post from you all. God bless.

Anniebach,
30 is a ridiculous age to die and I am so sorry you lost your husband at that young age.
You have coped all these years (I have read posts from you before) and I am full of admiration for you. Consider me a big fan. 💐

The four people I've seen breathing their last, including DH, were all old and frail and none in intractable pain.
But I have a dear friend who has been helpless and bedridden for years with MS, her once-beautiful husband a shadow of his former self, worn out with looking after her devotedly. Of course, she has become selfish and demanding, and now somewhat confused.
I can't help feeling that a release from this cruel disease would be a relief for him and their family.

My mother had dementia for over 6 years, she recognized none of her family, could do nothing for herself, yes I was very sad to lose her and people I met always said how sorry they were to hear that she had died, except one lady , I met her while I was shopping, she came to me and said " I'm happy to hear that your mum has passed, now all her suffering is over.
and she was right, we miss them but don't want them to suffer any more.

I think the best thing we can learn from our losses and the losses of others is compassion and deep, deep love. In the long run that is what is important

My husband died some 3 years ago. But what hastened his death from cancer was the sudden and totally unexpected death of our younger son a few months earlier.
I had promised my husband that he would die at home. McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care. The community nurses were beyond helpful and kind. I was on my own, managed, an£ was with him when he died. Yes, he died quietly, peacefully and with me holding his hand.
In both cases, I was glad for them, although Philip was only 39, he wasn’t in a good place.
My problem is me - I miss them both viscerally every hour of every day - despite the big grin plastered on my face. I’m getting used to their absence, and am getting better.
I completely understand the thread and am really happy for the posters with their attitude. Death is not to be feared, especially if with good palliative care.

It will be a release for my DH but oh my goodness I am dreading the empty bedroom.

Only those who have lived through looking after people with dementia or a terminal and painful illness can know what it is like for the sufferers and those who care for them.
It is a blessed relief when it comes to an end and no one should judge.
It is hard to try to live a normal life after but one should try, we have done our best for our loved ones and deserve some happiness and relief from the awful stress of caring .
Yes it can be a “ happy death” for all.

I still enjoy listening to Jim Reeves Transcend so comforting.

My late darling mum had what our eldest daughter termed ‘a good death’. She deserved that. Orphaned at nine years old, widowed by my father at 45. She was in hospital at the end of life with pneumonia “the old person’s friend”. Just quietly slipped away with gentle oxygen to soothe her. We were all with her in shifts and my sister and I were either side of her bed as she died, holding her hands.

My daughter said it was as though she’d just left us to go into a room next door. Peaceful. Kind. Deserved.

Miss you so much mum, 8 years on.
You would be so upset to know what we are going through.
xx

McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care.
We did not have a very good experience with McMillans when my father was dying, grandMattie, although that was a long time ago. Neither did a friend when her young daughter was dying in a different art of the country.
I hope they have changed since then.

Allira

^McMillan’s would have nothing to do with us because he’d been to the hospice for respite care.^
We did not have a very good experience with McMillans when my father was dying, grandMattie, although that was a long time ago. Neither did a friend when her young daughter was dying in a different art of the country.
I hope they have changed since then.

My DH died at home from cancer 6 years ago on 31st December. The MacMillan nurses were wonderful and organised everything for him to remain at home as was his wish . It is sad to hear others did not. I was fortunate to have a good district nursing team both day and night. His pain was manageable and although it was only 4 weeks from diagnosis he had a good death I feel. It was a shock at the speed of it all but I’m thankful he didn’t suffer for months .

I'm glad they were more supportive for you and your DH, SusieB50.
A difficult time of year for you

It does depend on different personalities, of course but I was surprised at the time, then years later my friend told me of her experience. I'm sure most are not like that.

As I read all your heart-led responses, I want you to know I love all of you. "Truly." Loss is the same, and it's different. Our souls are intertwined with those we love who pass on. The ways we find comfort, the ways we don't, are very individual. One of the things I have difficulty with is making good decisions. At times I am in a brain fog. At times I want to scream at people or turn them over knee and paddle them as if they are bad children. My parents never did that to me. I worked so hard to become strong. I educated myself in the things that were important to me. I learned to be caring and loving, but now it's like it was all stripped away, and I start again six feet under. When something goes wrong and I have to fix it or I will be in a mess, I despair, because I don't have the energy. If it weren't for my dog and cat I would be alone 95 percent of the time.

I will overcome this. I just don't know how, other than to keep on keeping on. I assume that's how a lot of you feel, from what you have all said.

I want to respond to you each individually and yet, the words don't come.

My husband had to die he was in agony from cancer on highest dose of morphine full oxygen and still couldn't breath.

We always knew he was going to died from his diagnosis January 2001 with grade 4 malignant melanoma. After it was removed and skin graft done . As far as everyone else was concerned he would be fine . Only me and our children knew he was dieing . He never wanted anyone else to know or in his words treated as a dead man walking. When he was terminal October 2003 he had 6 tumors. Christmas day he said he wanted to get to his birthday we promised to get him there and we did. He died. 4 days after his 47th birthday nearly 22 years ago.

I had to tell him to stop and we would be ok he died few minutes after at home with me and our children. The moment he took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since . But he was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises have kept everyone.

I looked after both parents. And mother in law who I hated for 40 years until they died. I didn't have a life I existed out home was just a house without him .

But all that changed when I moved to the north west in 2019 . Finally had a home again and living the life he wanted for me . He wanted me to live the best life I could and I do. But grief is with me daily but because of my husband I have a life . Unless you love you can't grieve . He was the other half of me and I was his . He knew the real me and me him .

I call the first 10 years early grief. My husband was the fit healthy one I was born disabled . Nothing about my health ever phased him we had 29 years together and married 22 when he died . The rage and anger I feel everyday over him dieing I use in a positive way it makes me fight and get through everyday.

I have been told on other threads I should let the rage and anger go . But we all use what we need and that's what I need.

I have done things and survived things because of him . He gave me strength when he was alive and he still gives it me . I am an atheist so no one say it's gods will, bugger that . You believe what you want but don't tell me what to believe. I have been called names on other threads and been told to my face I will burn in the fires of hell because I have no faith. Told them yes I will burn but in a crem .

I don't tell others what to believe but believe in what helps you . Do what helps you . I do wish my husband happy birthday,happy Easter ,happy anniversary,happy Christmas he's favourite time of the year and happy new year.

But never happy death day for 14 years I relived the last 2 weeks of his life like watching an old black and white film. My children never knew normally they text me but on the 14th anniversary of his death my daughter phoned and it all came out . She and her brother both told me off and said I should have told them . But I vowed that day to myself never to do that again and haven't.

I don't think of him dieing but living . Bone crushing grief still hits me out of the blue but I have a good cry and feel better . I have shouted at him for dieing ,swore at him and ranted at him but then I see him with his stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do .

Grief is not for sissies. When the love of your life you are never the same but because of their love you can live a full life takes years in my experience.

The most courageous are parents who have had a child die . I don't know how they get through each day . As I don't know that grief . And there are many parents on this forum facing that grief .

We all have to grief our way and cope the best we can . I have found grief gets worse as the years go by . I am still married and Mrs . He was the love of my life my knight in slightly tarnished armour.

However much you love someone, if they are suffering, death is a release. It is now 21 years for me. I don't mark that day, won’t let myself go back there. My memories are our life together,. It took me a long time to learn to live with the raw grief but I went through the motions, redecorated my house, new furniture, went on holidays as he asked me to do. I know lots of widows who found new partners even if they have not lived together, but I couldn't. He was my best friend as well as my husband. Have quite a few friends but spend a lot of time on my own but now I am used to that. I do not believe you have more than one soul mate, you are lucky to have had one.
Transcend, I understand how you must feel. You wanted his suffering to end but you miss what you had. As time passes you begin to live round that huge void they leave and remember the happy times.

I miss my husband so much ,but sometimes it is harder than others. The days you dread , such as anniversaries and special days or places are hard as expected, but I have sort of built up a bit of a wall against expected pain. What I find the hardest is that awful sudden moment when you find an old letter, shopping list in his handwriting, turn a corner on a road you thought you did not know and come up to a place that you visited and loved so long ago. That raw pain which you suddenly feel and could not have prepared for is still hard to cope with.

When I got cancer for the second time and this time I was on my own, I felt so many things about him not being here with me. sometimes angry that I had to cope alone, sometimes in a panic wondering how I would cope, and sort of mentally trying to think how I could manage. But I am still here, still missing him, and it is more you somehow come to miss them in a slightly different way, which is the only way to be able to carry on. I am both happy and sad for new friends I have made since he died, glad for their friendship but sorry they never knew him and of course never knew us as a couple, so they dont see me as half of the whole as I always do feel. But my beloved swaledale is a great consolation and a place that we shared. On hard days I put a picnic in the car and go off up there to enjoy the scenery, the birds and the sheep etc. I go to our special place and think of him and get the strength to carry on. It is good to be able to write on here, when you feel you dont have much chance to speak of this. I know he wanted me to do whatever I felt able to do, to remember our happy times together but not to stop living and going forward and I do feel living the best way I can is the right way to carry on, and doesnt take anything away from the memories of our lives together.