Sudden death of my Husband.

I lost my husband very suddenly 15 months ago It was the most heartbreaking shock I’ve ever had There is no time limit for When u should be feeling better
It changes your whole life
Take each day as it comes & if u cry all day let it be
I hate the way my life has changed but I’m trying my best as I know my hubby would want me to My family & friends are wonderful so I’m very lucky to be surrounded by lovely people

I am so sorry for your loss, especially at a time when most people are celebrating.

So much grief here. I am sending virtual hugs to everyone experiencing this shock. My husband suddenly died four months ago. I am not feeling up to grief sharing groups or any social things or phone calls. I can barely eat and its difficult to even get out of bed or "start my day" because Ive lost my purpose. I am trying to find out who I am.

The only thing that helps me is that I bought a blank book called "Letters to My Husband in Heaven" and every night I write him a letter. I hope this tip might help someone. Its difficult when no one understands. When I am lonely, I read this forum and it brings me comfort.

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s very early in your journey and you will still be dealing with the shock of losing your DH. At this stage, try not to expect too much of yourself. There is no handbook for grief; just let it take you where it will. For now, it will be hard to see the road ahead.

I did not find bereavement groups helpful. It was hard enough coping with my own grief without being immersed in other people’s too. I felt it was just dragging me down. It was eighteen months before I found myself thinking about stepping outside my comfort zone and taking up the strands of a different existence. We had always been “joined at the hip”. Now it was just me, so I stuck my neck out and joined a local walking group, who were very welcoming. I also joined a writers group at the library (usually lots of things to join at libraries) and volunteered at our local junior school to listen to children read. Schools cry out for reading volunteers. I heartily recommend a walking group. You get fresh air, exercise and company, all of which will benefit you enormously. It’s very hard to take that first step, but you’ll know when you’re ready to do it. And of course, Gransnet, of which I was a long term member, was also a lifeline. Always lots of support and good humour on here.

It is coming up for four years since I lost DH and I miss him every single day, but life still has good things to offer, so don’t despair. Be kind to yourself.

A Happy Memories forum for reliving our memories about our lost loved ones springs to mind. I'm not sure if there is one or has been an ongoing forum but its something to think about at least.
Support be it in person or online can be a life saver for someone desperately sad. Sharing memories and ideas is a comfort in itself. It has got to be better than being alone with no one to talk to.

Bryan.Know what you mean about having someone to talk to. I read bereavement forums,the Sue Ryder one is good, but sometimes feel a meetup with people going through the same thing would be more positive. Ive looked for walking groups or meetups in my area but cant find anything. Cant get used to my strange new life!!!! Find it difficult to get out of my comfort zone

I think the shock has now worn off, I cant pretend that everything is going to be ok and that it was all a horrible nightmare. Its real and its final.
Thank you Karmalady,you make it sound like there is hope.

I can empathise Bellab my husband went out on a routine cycle ride and never came back. Air ambulance, police came looking for me, took me down the motorway on blue lights. Too late

I have never spent time moping and yes he was the love of my life. He would not have wanted me to mope through self-pity. I slammed doors, I had weepy outbursts on my own at home and concentrated on keeping myself well, getting rid of that nasty cortisol that made my heart beat so loud in my ears at night

I read books about loss, I talked to other widows, even strangers on a bus. Gradually I came to understand about stages of grief and 3 years later was able to look for my new home and moved, to make a life for myself

I remain cheery and upbeat, that part of my nature that my husband loved most. I think of him very often but am never morbid, always grateful for the time we had together and for our children

The thing I wanted to know in the first stage was `does it get better?` I asked two women on a bus, they told me that you learn to live with it. That was good enough for me and it gave me hope

I kept myself very busy during the first stages, there was a lot of paperwork and de-cluttering and many things to hand on, not sold on but given to other people as a gift, when I saw a need. My husband would have loved that

Bryan not sure I’m allowed to mention another website here but I found Sue Ryder online very helpful. It is a bereavement website and you will find many there in your situation exactly. It does help to correspond with others in the same boat, my condolences for your loss. A hard time I know

This thread is exactly what I was looking for. My wife passed away 10 days ago and we did absolutely everything together. After the initial shock and overwhelming support from friends and neighbours, they have gone back to their busy lives and I felt like the only one that this has happened to. There are billions of married couples in this world , very few are fortunate enough to pass away together. So there are still billions who will suffer the same fate. I can't ger my head around it at the moment, I think I need someone in the same position to talk too , not a group or therapist. Actively looking but it's difficult .

Bellab and anyone who has had a spouse or partner die suddenly I am sorry I know that doesn't mean anything . I have friends who this has happened to .

With my husband we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years. If you can bear reading I have said everything I would say on RIP himself thread and other bereavement threads . Unfortunately my hands aren't behaving themselves today and typing is difficult.

I don't know exactly how you feel but I do know what it is like watching your husband dieing everyday before your eyes.
Sorry finger control gone .

I am repeating what others have said Bellab and Kupari take each day as it comes. Your emotions will differ each day at this difficult time in life.
You have not lost your partner they and your memories of them will be in yours hearts forever ♥️

Bellab and Kupari, my husband died last April. He had IPF - Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. He was here at home, with me at his side with palliative care nurses also in the room. I know that feeling of absolute despair that you’re feeling. It’s almost 11 months since he died and we’d been together for 55 years. If I never went out of the door again, it wouldn’t bother me, though I do go to a knitting group once a week. People fall away, maybe because they just don’t know what to say once the initial few weeks have passed. The friends who I do see are widowed, so maybe that says something. Only do what you want to do, and if you don’t feel like doing something, then don’t. We don’t ‘get over’ the loss of a much-loved partner. I wouldn’t want to. I have some days where I can sort of re-direct my thoughts and not feel so despairing, but other days are pretty bleak. It’s not something we can prepare ourselves for. Be kind to yourselves. Xx

I send you my sympathy, Bellab and Kupari.
There is an army of us widows on Gransnet, all coping as best we can at this difficult stage of our lives.
I hope that, like me, you will find a degree of comfort and company on this site.

Sudden loss is so different from a loss that was expected. There is free counselling on the NHS. Just look for TalkWorks. I have done this and found it helpful.

Kupari45

My Husband died three days ago in hospital, after a battle with cancer. I have been going to the hospital every day up to then. Today being saturday, watching everyone go past my window with places to go, I am hurting so much .
The funeral will be in three weeks. I look around our home and cant believe he will never be here again. My daughter lives at the other end of the country, and went home yesterday. The pain of grief is almost unbearable. I would welcome any advice from anyone who has been in this situation,

Sorry about your situation.

I rarely post on bereavement threads as dont have much advice.
I hope things gradually improve for you.

And for Bellab too.

Bellab

Its been three weeks since the funeral and its getting harder. As it is always said, everyone goes back to their lives but mine has completely changed,nothing is the same. I cant believe how lonely I am,I used to enjoy time on my own,pottering about, but it seems pointless now. The house is so empty! I dont know where I would be without my dog.

I cant really offer advice.

Just writing to say I know someone who appears to be in the same boat. Lost her husband about the same time.
Thought she wouldnt feel lonely, but she does.

My Husband died three days ago in hospital, after a battle with cancer. I have been going to the hospital every day up to then. Today being saturday, watching everyone go past my window with places to go, I am hurting so much .
The funeral will be in three weeks. I look around our home and cant believe he will never be here again. My daughter lives at the other end of the country, and went home yesterday. The pain of grief is almost unbearable. I would welcome any advice from anyone who has been in this situation,

so sorry for your loss and it is a strange and hard time for you at the moment. May I suggest going swimming as a possibility? I found it a way to have some exercise, which let my body relax a little and was with other swimmers, so that it was a sort of company without having to actually have conversations unless you wanted to. I would swim a bit and then just relax at the end for a while and then go on for a bit more. Then I would get out and dressed and go to the coffee shop. It suited me on the days that I didnt really know what to do with myself and sometimes I would go on to do a little shopping or just sit in a park and watch the people passing by. I found at that time it was difficult , somehow an effort , to mix with people and that the swimming was less of an effort but let me actually get out and about. Sometimes it can be useful to have a pattern of going somewhere on set days and that way you just say to yourself tuesday so swimming or walking, rather than feel it is yet another day on your own that you have to decide about which makes it so painful.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Good friends that you know could maybe come over and stay for a couple of night.
Which area do you live at? Sometimes there are people on here that meet up. Hugs.

Try online for 'Gingerbread' support group. You need emotional support from your peer group.

Its been three weeks since the funeral and its getting harder. As it is always said, everyone goes back to their lives but mine has completely changed,nothing is the same. I cant believe how lonely I am,I used to enjoy time on my own,pottering about, but it seems pointless now. The house is so empty! I dont know where I would be without my dog.

You are going to wake up shell shocked. I think mornings are worse, for my mum anyway. She lost my dad a year ago, sadly after their 60th wedding anniversary.
She has a friend whose husband is end of life.
Sunday afternoons, I take them to a club in town, where it’s aged 65 to 80s, mainly older.
It gives my mums friend respite for a couple of hours.
They like 60s music, a wine spritzer & a good chat. The people I’ve talked to are very nice, friendly, some have lost partners.
Point I am making, could you be up to doing something like that? Maybe not at the moment but in time.
My mum is 80, I know she won’t ever replace my dad, so I don’t worry about anything like that happening. I am Just glad to see them both happy & bit lighter when I pick them up at tea time.
Really sorry about the loss of your husband.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still very early days for you. My husband died suddenly in front of me 5 years ago, I think I was in shock for the first year. I kept having flashbacks to the day he died, it took months for that to stop. I did join a bereavement group online, but found it was too full of other people’s sorrows, which didn’t help me. I had some telephone counselling from Cruse, which I think was useful. Joined a book club, good to have a focus that’s nothing to do with being widowed. Having said that, though, there is a Facebook group called Widowed and Walking, which is a positive group who organise walks all over the country- that might be an idea for you. Please take good care of yourself- don’t stint on buying good food just because you’re on your own! Try to get outside every day - maybe some gardening? Don’t rush to “get over it”, it honestly took me three whole years before I felt like myself again.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I second the advice to take things slowly.

Mourning is a long, lonely road.

I lost my husband 2½ years ago, three months after he was diagnosed with cancer. Your loss sounds much more abrupt than mine, so the shock must be greater.

With the funeral only just having taken place, in a way you are flung back to the beginning of finding out what life will hold for you now.

I too have little interest or use for bereavement groupsor counselling, but have found it useful to join a book-club in my local library. There I have met a group of women who have become pleasant acquaintances. We rarely talk of personal matters, as we meet to discuss the book we have just read. Such a group might suit you, too,perhaps.