Organising a funeral (practical) info

I suppose most of us learn this by experience when the situation arises. Which it, inevitably, does.

I think an A-Z on what to do would be a good idea as this must be a very stressful time and a guide on all aspects would take away some of the stress/panic

I also think this is an excellent idea NotSpaghetti. We're in our 80s and my DH refuses to discuss the subject. Personally I'd like to know what NOT to do as well

My tip would be to organise any flowers yourself rather than asking the undertaker to do it. If they go on the undertakers bill you will be charged VAT on them

This post got me thinking, like pretty much they all do. I had to organise a funeral in the very first lockdown and because of the so-called rules it had to be very pared down. There was no wake except for the few in our ‘bubble’ so there were just five of us. No funeral car for mourners because only one person was allowed in it, and the windows had to be left wide open. Brrr. The cost wasn’t really any lower though which I thought odd. But the 20 people who were allowed to attend did so but there was nowhere to go after the funeral so we just stood around in those weird groups and then drove off. Hopefully we never have to do that again.

Me too 67notout. In my head I had DH’s funeral organised - he’d have had a very well attended cremation, with refreshments at a local hotel afterwards.
Unfortunately, Covid put paid to it. Only 15 mourners allowed inside, one funeral car - with the same occupants both ways. 2021 and still £5K for such a pared down day. It still makes me sad.

I helped organise a funeral very recently.
I knew the person well enough that I could guess very near, who would be there.
And knew the people enough as to who would go to the reception afterwards.
We thankfully also had a caterer who was very used to this type of thing.

It was the first one I had helped with in 20 years.

But they are all different, and no size fits all.

If I had total choice on things[not happened yet] I would be checking prices[not on caterer as sort of know her]. Personally.
But if the death is unexpected, not as easy to do that.

My sister and I did not find it stressful at all, for our Mum a few years ago . It was quite Cathartic to do a final act for her, and she had everything she would have wanted for herself.

It is ok/better, if the people arranging it agree/know what the person's wishes are./have enough money/are not arguing about all sorts/want everyone included.
Then it can be cathartic.

Oh, and one person does not want things all there own way.

Also, if the death is anticipated, ensure that there is enough accessible money - perhaps by transferring some funds from the person’s bank account.

I organised mr i’s funeral with full support and in put from our adult daughters. They suggested a service at the Church they’d gone to as Brownies and where they’d attended happy events like weddings and Christenings.
I used the co-op, were north west not far from Rochdale where the cooperative movement started and our extended family have all gone coop.
Mr i knew he was dying and chose some music and the place of his burial. Burial entirely his wish so that’s what we did.
Reception at a local venue we know well.

Typing this has reminded me to count my blessings that at that awful, traumatic time, we were together in love

It is just like organising any other event. Think ahead, before someone dies and have a reasonable idea what you will do when the time arrives.

Organising a funeral is considerably easier than organising a wedding these days.

When I organised a funeral last year I thought I knew what to expect as I had done it before, but things had changed. The pre-funeral stage is different.

When someone dies everything is now checked by a Medical Examiner before releasing the paperwork needed to arrange a funeral. This delayed things by over one week.

There is no paperwork now, everything is sent online to the registrar. In the area I was in, deaths are registered in libraries, not registry offices. The website was very confusing and we struggled to find somewhere with appointments in travelling distance. The hospital told us that phoning is better. They also advised you do not need a lot of copies of the death certificate as most banks etc. now want copies online, not posted.

You have to choose the funeral directors before booking the appointment to register the death. Funeral directors now display their prices online and outside their offices. This makes it easier to choose one.

We did not want a direct cremation, but did have to consider costs. You can have a shorter service at 9am and save money. We saved money by meeting at the crematorium, we did not record the service and did not have a photo montage. Roses are very expensive so we had whatever seasonal flowers the florist could source at a reasonable cost.

Most people had to travel and we did not know how many people would attend so hard to judge where to hold the wake and what food to provide. We held the wake in a local bar which allowed us to bring in a small home made buffet of sandwiches and quiche, with everyone buying their own drinks. Our guess for numbers was quite accurate.

As we had to travel, we stayed in a hotel the night before, to ensure we were early, and also stayed after the wake in case people stayed on there (and the driver wanted a drink!).

Funerals are difficult to organise because no fromal invitations are issued and if you have a wake you don't know how may are going to turn up.

In my opinion wakes are best held in pubs or clubs where a private room can be provided, especially if it is a pub with food as they can usually go over and above what's been ordered, or left over food won't go to waste.

In my expereince some people will want food, others not and also some will appreciate alcohol being served as well as soft and hot drinks.

I think it is important at the service to welcome people to share their memories of the deceased and have some refreshments at least, and to let them know where the venue is.

Some of the mourners will have travelled a fair distance so it is only courtesy to do so.

eddiecat78

My tip would be to organise any flowers yourself rather than asking the undertaker to do it. If they go on the undertakers bill you will be charged VAT on them

Won’t you still be charged VAT?
Your undertaker and reception venue ( if you’re having one) will guide you through the practicalities.

M0nica

It is just like organising any other event. Think ahead, before someone dies and have a reasonable idea what you will do when the time arrives.

Organising a funeral is considerably easier than organising a wedding these days.

I would disagree.

Funerals are done when people are feeling vulnerable. For whatever reason.
Plus there is all the aftermath of them. Which all goes on for weeks/years sometimes.

Plus which you can speak with the living. Not the dead.

ElusiveButterfly - paperwork can take at least 9 days nowadays, sometimes.
It used to be 2 or 3 days.

It is something Mr J and I have talked about and we know what each other wants. We are members of our local church so it would be there with some of our favourite hymns followed by a cremation for which we have chosen pieces of music which we love. The wake will be at a local hotel so rooms for people who may be traveling some distance to stay. The requests for our funeral arrangements are also in an information pack for our Executors. Wills and POA's are also in place, so we hope that we have covered everything. I know for some people talking about what they want at their funerals may be difficult to discuss but owing to Mr J's health problems it has been a necessity for us and we don't find it difficult to talk about.

eddiecat78

My tip would be to organise any flowers yourself rather than asking the undertaker to do it. If they go on the undertakers bill you will be charged VAT on them

To explain better - if you buy directly from a florist the VAT will be included in the quoted price. For my father's funeral I chose a bouquet from the undertaker for a quoted price - then discovered that in their final invoice VAT had been added onto this quoted price.

My husband would not discuss it. He expected to get better, and was getting better until suddenly he wasn’t, but nobody is immortal, so it is realistic to plan ahead. All I knew is that he wanted to be buried, and not in the far away cemetery where his parents and grandparents were buried, thankfully.

I had been thinking about a green burial myself, so the funeral director old me about a place nearby which I didn’t know about. It was beautiful, as the trees were in blossom. This was a private family occasion, but with my vicar leading a short service. My daughter provided lunch at her home.
I ordered flowers from the florist, suitably prepared, with no plastic.
I sent the funeral director’s invoice to the bank who paid them directly from the (frozen) bank account.

About a month later we held a service of thanksgiving to which people came from far and near and I like to think was a fitting tribute. We provided light refreshments ourselves, just a few savoury and sweet items, as the service ended at 3pm. We prepared our own order of service, printed by the church.

If people needed a meal before or after, there were many cafes and pubs within a short walk.

That sounds lovely cabbie. My husband wanted burial and we found a remembrance garden, close to our familiar walks. The burial took place after the service at our village church, family only. We then met the rest of the funeral party at a local venue, with a hotel for those who travelled a distance. It was a memorable and in many ways, happy day