Clearing my late dad's place

What support do you have with this task?

Try to box brother off in your head.

Do you have any friends or commuity to call on?

Macaydia your mention earlier of "valuables" struck a chord with me. My lovely mother-in-law had a folder in her study marked "valuables" (with photos and receipts) - the sum total value would be a pittance today.

My auctioneer said he had just cleared his own mother's house and said he knew her precious things were now worth nothing at auction.
He said even his own adult children had only taken one or two small things - just as my family did. My son living abroad was given a silver dish by her when he got engaged. "I don't need 'stuff' to remember" he said.

...I am trying hard to shed a LOT of stuff here.
For some of us it seems to be really hard.

One thing that was interesting is that dinner services were being packed into crates at the auction house and going (at knock-down prices) en-masse to South Korea where dinner parties are apparently quite a thing now!
...at least those may get a second life!

Excuse me Barmcake but what does "House Clearance" mean?

Sort into sections:
Charity
Auction
House Clearance.
The auction house gave me a price for everything and then collected and sent money. You will be shocked at how low your valuables are worth. People just don't want the old style furniture/paintings any more. I know it's a terrible time and a horrible process, but you'll have to just let it go. Don't over-think things.

keepingquiet

I think this post is a very strong reminder that we can't take anything with us.
Years ago I had to help someone clear their parent's home and I swore then I would never do it to my children. There was so much waste it was unbelievable.
That's why I am slowly getting rid of what I can because my children won't want it and I wouldn't inflict it on them as they have already had to do it with their dad's house. I even have some of his stuff here!
OP says she can't throw stuff of her own away because it is so emotionally difficult. Getting rid of the emotional hurt is her priority here, as leaving stuff behind for others to sort is, in my view, irresponsible and selfish...

KeepingQuiet, I completely agree with you and others should take heed. I do not want my children being left with piles of junk and valuables when I die, so I am getting down to the bare minimum now: bed, chair, dishes, clothing. I dont want them to go through what I have been through.

Penguin2024? Is there any way you could delay this sorting of things? Your emotions are quite fragile now. Or can you just focus on one room at a time and ignore the large furnishings thay your sweet memories are currently wrapped around?

Im so sorry for your situation. Keep posting.

It is hard.
I would take photos of anything you love. Pick out a few precious things you can fit in your house.
Oh.. and give your son an ultimatum.
You are not a storage facility!


It's very very tough.

Thinking of you.

Just wondering what happens in June? You seem to have a deadline...

We recently had a reputable auctioneer value my mother-in-law's possessions/household goods for probate.
Nothing is worth anything very much.

Her dining chairs (£400 each many moons ago) "may not sell" but if they did would not go for much. Maybe a few pounds each. One of her pair of signed prints (bought in the 80s for £90 each) is on ebay for £15.
Her Royal Doulton etc is barely worth bothering with. Even her gold watch is only worth the melt-down value of the gold.

We have offered all the family to come and take anything they like. We have had about three carrier bags go.
A magnifying glass, a table lamp, an atlas, a painting, her manicure set...
Really very little.

I think much of it will go to charity shops - if they will take it.

But eventually, you will have to resort to a house clearance company for the things that nobody wants.
My mother lived in her house for nearly 60 years and it was a huge task clearing it to sell. You do have to be tough. But I did keep her sewing things and her rolling pin.

Can I make another suggestion? Is there a branch of Emmaus near you? It's a charity which gives homeless men a place for up to a year, and meanwhile they learn how to restore and sell furniture and other items.
If you call them, they will come and take anything away that they can sell at no cost to you. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing you're helping others.

I have decided to try and market a luxury coffee set that is ancient but in mint condition, still in its box, and see if I can sell it on ebay for £30- £50. If I can sell it and post it easily without it breaking, then I might continue selling more things online,

Please, please don’t do this! It will create more work for you and will not help at all to solve your problem. I am so sorry for your loss and you do sound completely overwhelmed. When we cleared a very small flat years ago someone outside the family helped and cut through all our indecision. I am still grateful even though there probably were one or two things I might have liked that went elsewhere. Please make a reputable auction house your first call and trust them to do their best for you. Then sort the things they can’t sell. If you have anyone at all besides unhelpful brother, son and partner in your life do talk it through with them. Very best wishes to you.

Thanks again for your kind and helpful messages and all your great ideas. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences of getting rid of things and selling at auction.
(For those worried about the legal aspects, don't worry yourselves needlessly, it's all done legally).
It's just that I feel so weighed down from the bereavement and the task of clearing so many things from childhood. I am a bit of a hoarder myself and am extremely sentimental about objects that remind me of things. That's why I have to clear my flat before I can take anything from my parents' flat! Personality-wise I am probably the worst kind of person to do this task.
People around me tell me to just chuck things away at the dump , but some of these things cost my parents thousands of pounds to buy new, why should I just throw them away? I am poor and have lived with very little for a very long time.
I could keep the items or sell them, and if I can't do either then maybe try to give them away, and if no one wants them THEN I can throw them away.
It's just a very emotional task to do alone in an empty sad flat full of things, and I find it very hard to decide what to do and am very slow.
I have decided to try and market a luxury coffee set that is ancient but in mint condition, still in its box, and see if I can sell it on ebay for £30- £50. If I can sell it and post it easily without it breaking, then I might continue selling more things online, if not will start to look at auctions.
Most of the auction websites I have looked at just seem to deal with very expensive rare antiques rather than the more modest items I have for sale, maybe they just want you to think that!
But there are hundreds of my dad's things that I can just chuck away or give to charity. Your tips and experiences, are so very welcome I really appreciate this. I think there's an old stereo in a box in the garage, and an old radio, maybe they are worth something! Thank you!

I had to clear my parents’ house, loft, garden and outhouses. Fortunately I did have some help from family. A few things were sold to a dealer. After everyone had taken what they wanted and had room for, we filled three skips from the loft and outhouses, then got a clearance firm in. They also had a shop where some things could be sold, but would not take wardrobes etc so we had to get yet another skip for them. In the end everything was gone- what a relief!

More recently I have had to clear so much of my late husband’s stuff. He was a collector and a hoarder to some extent.
BHF took several pieces of furniture, another charity took more pieces to refurbish ( and provide training and rehabilitation for their clients) . Specialist collections went to specialist auctions and did well. General junk, mainly tools, old radios, old hifi etc, was collected by an auction house and did surprisingly well, as they might easily have gone in a skip. On the other hand, the sort of things that used to sell well no longer have value. Of course some things had to be taken to charity shops and recycling centres and I still have a few things to deal with . It has not been easy but just had to be done.
I wish you well.

Your last two posts sound more positive, Penguin2024, but I was sad to hear that your partner doesn’t understand the emotions you are going through. Men!!!🙄 You appear to be surrounded by selfish men. I agree that you should arrange for a reputable auction house to initially make an assessment and organise the sale of the furniture etc. I really think that one of your more wealthy relatives should arrange for storage of those items that they don’t wish you to sell. Before all this happens, take a suitcase to your Dad’s home and select a few items that are of particular sentimental value to you. Wear your ‘big girl’s pants’, take photos (even though you’re rubbish!) and do as rafichagran suggests and make a collage! Keep posting. ♥️

Hiya not really clear of what your situation is!! House/flat was he an owner is there a will??
I had to clear my father-in-laws house along with his family and it was the most emotional experience ever!! I kept looking for him all the time but the most important thing you have to do is recognise the legality of it!!
Deal with the emotion on one hand but it has to be done and money isn’t always the primary concern. There are a lot of charities that will take furniture etc away for nothing (which is what we did) and then allowed us to benefit others!!
If there is conflict between you and your brother and no will than please please let go and sort the home as best you can and live your best life!! Xx

Wow! Thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. I have a partner who also doesn't drive and lives 66 miles away from me, (never felt so alone these past few months). He said he could help by paying for a man and van , but I said, but where is the van going to? He didn't know, but suggested the council dump. I got cross and said there were valuable things and very high quality furniture, and that I wanted a valuation from an auctioneer. Then he sent me an email saying he would get a house clearance company to come round on Monday. He just doesn't get it.
I haven't even looked through what is here properly and my brother still wants to take more books and bookcases. My brother hired a van and helpers to take all the books last week but he filled the van with only two thirds of my dad's books and only three of his seven bookcases!
Less work for me.
Anyway thanks people on Gransnet! I am so glad I posted here. Any more tips for getting valuations and home visit from an auctioneer? You are all raising my spirits.

I am sorry you are finding it so hard to let go of your Fathers belongings, the reality is that not letting go can stop you from moving forwards.

You need to let go and move on with your life.

A lot of things that once had value are now nearly worthless, I had a Royal Doulton dinner service that I couldn’t give away.
So your expectations need to be managed.

A good auction house will tell you what’s worth selling.
Beware of house clearance companies, make sure you get an auction house appraisal first before the house clearance come in.

Trust me ! Once you have sold furniture etc you will not give that stuff a second thought . Once its gone you will feel nothing but relief - been there , done that.
Do hope you are able to find someone to support and help you through this . Its a massive job abd I completely understand how you feel. However.......
you will get there!! Good luck. 💐🌸

I have also faced this difficult task. I found that I had to mentally detach myself from things……yes, everything evoked memories but at the end of the day it was just stuff. I had no room for everything, nor did my siblings and AC . Some furniture was donated to a charity that helps people setting up in homes of their own after being homeless. I did keep the good canteen of cutlery but all the everyday kitchen items were donated too long with laundered sheets, blankets and towels.

I don’t miss those things, I have my memories and take comfort from those. It just takes focus and strength of will.

So sorry for your loss. Your head will be all over the place.
I don’t think you mentioned if you are to get money from the sale of your dad’s house. Just wondering if you could afford to hire a storage facility?
Also I would make a list & take photos of what you are keeping, then there is no come back from your brother, or those relatives.
Yes house clearance probably needed but you will only get buttons for anything left.
Have you sold this house, or putting on the market. As someone else said on here you could ask new owners if there is anything that they want to keep.
Good luck

I think this post is a very strong reminder that we can't take anything with us.
Years ago I had to help someone clear their parent's home and I swore then I would never do it to my children. There was so much waste it was unbelievable.
That's why I am slowly getting rid of what I can because my children won't want it and I wouldn't inflict it on them as they have already had to do it with their dad's house. I even have some of his stuff here!
OP says she can't throw stuff of her own away because it is so emotionally difficult. Getting rid of the emotional hurt is her priority here, as leaving stuff behind for others to sort is, in my view, irresponsible and selfish...

Could your son pay for some sort of storage facility and help you when he comes back to the U.K.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this on your own,it's such a heartbreaking job, could your son make other arrangements for his stuff, he'd have to if you weren't here, then it would make space for something of your dad's that you'd like to keep, I hope everything works out for you.

I can't add much more except to say that when my dad died a couple of years ago, my (nice) brother and I struggled to part with some sentimental items but we agreed that a lot of them were dad's memories and not ours which made it easier.

Thanks everyone. You've all given me food for thought. I will try to find an auctionneer local to my dad's. Sorry for my typos! Thanks for your support. I already had to organise a funeral without help, my brother delayed the funeral by 2 months because he couldn't find a day when he wasn't socialising or going on holiday, so who would have thought so many new and stressful things to cope with while grieving. Many thanks. Any more tips, please keep them coming.

Can I ask if these greedy relatives just let themselves in and take the expensive items. I think it's disgusting, but could you have taken them first? I can understand why not though because it is not in my nature to go grabbing.
I would take photos of the things you are very attached to and make a collage in a beutiful frame. You can then look proudly at them and the memories they bring.
I wish you well and I know money is not what you are after but do not let your vile brother have a penny he is not entitled too.
I would get auctioneers in and let them help you. Anything else bring in house clearance. If they find anything that is worth anuthing buy something that reminds you of your loved one with the proceedings.
I really feel for you as I had a greedy sister who I am no contact with.