Clearing my late dad's place

I have been in a similar situation with my mother’s house and my brother who sounds like yours who after going through for anything worth anything left me to deal with the rest which was a lot due to her bring something of a hoarder. So you are not alone.
I am sorry, you are obviously overwhelmed. I can only suggest you focus on one room at a time but without transport it’s not going to be easy. Do you have friends or family even if abroad who can help and be with you ? It’s very difficult doing this alone.

In the nicest way possible you can't keep things you have no room for,memories stay with you,try to stop stressing and arrange for things to be valued and removed. We had guilty feelings when we emptied our mum's but it wasn't practical for any of us to use a lot of stuff as we already had furnishings. Doesn't take away any of the memories of us sitting around the big table as a family because they'll always be there .
The stress won't be doing you any good selling the furniture etc will help you out and surely your dad would have wanted that ,good luck

Meant to say if you sell items take photos beforehand.

We have just cleared my mums house and last year cleared my mother in laws house.

It is a very emotional job as well as dealing with the loss of your dad.

I asked all family members to come and take what they wanted.The people buying the house luckily took quite a few things.For the rest I got a house clearance firm in.Neither of my brothers wanted me to do this but neither would help so I had no choice.Like you everything I looked at had a memory but we had sorted as much and rehomed as much as we could.

The day of the house clearance I found difficult but the feeling of relief when the house was empty was huge.As Flipping says we have our memories.

If your son doesn’t want you to dispose his things could you ask him to rent a storage unit to put them in which would free up space for you to have some of your favourite items from your parents flat.

It’s a hard and emotional job.Sending you strength💐

I really feel for you and am sorry for your loss. When my mum died 2 years ago and we had to sell the large family home, it was full of lovely furniture and loads of things me and my brothers simply couldn’t move to our own homes. So we made the decision to just pick a few items each which had emotional significance and get a house clearance company to take the rest.
I literally just chose a handful of small things because I didn’t want to clutter my home. But I sometimes think of the wonderful mid-century furniture that the family home was filled with. We all knew we had to let it go and even though we could have got something for some of the items, we didn’t have the will to try and sell them and let them go.
I know this probably doesn’t help you much because you won’t be able to afford a house clearance company (or maybe your wealthy brother will pay?) but in terms of the emotional attachment to things, I’d recommend you just choose a few small items to take home. Local councils will take away big items (ours will take up to 4) for not much money, so perhaps you could consider that?

I have been in almost the same place as you are. This year, after 5 years of talking about it, things are actually happening.

I was very brave and phoned the auction house who came and were sensitive and helpful.
At last some big furniture is off to auction.
It's not as bad as you imagine!

I like to think that things we've loved are going to be used again.

It's truly like dipping your toes into the freezing sea but taking the plunge.
You feel much better afterwards.

Remember you don't have to get rid of everything all at once. You can keep some treasures.

I would look online to find your local auction house. Check reviews are OK, then ring and ask for an appointment at your Dad’s home. Auction houses handle these matters on a daily basis, you will find them very sympathetic. It’s in their interest to get the best price for your pieces, so you can rest assured that they will deal appropriately with your possessions. It may take a while to sort everything, but using professionals is by far the easiest way to handle this.

Good luck with this difficult, sad task. I hope it works out for you soon.

Penguin2024 unfortunately it seems that the only solution is to be practical. Why don’t you take the personal possessions you want to keep, tell your brother you have done as much as you can, and get a house clearance firm in to do the rest? I know that sounds unemotional, but if you have no space in your flat, the only way you can take furniture is by disposing of an equivalent sized piece you already have. You can spare yourself the onerous task if it is too much for you?

Can I ask if these greedy relatives just let themselves in and take the expensive items. I think it's disgusting, but could you have taken them first? I can understand why not though because it is not in my nature to go grabbing.
I would take photos of the things you are very attached to and make a collage in a beutiful frame. You can then look proudly at them and the memories they bring.
I wish you well and I know money is not what you are after but do not let your vile brother have a penny he is not entitled too.
I would get auctioneers in and let them help you. Anything else bring in house clearance. If they find anything that is worth anuthing buy something that reminds you of your loved one with the proceedings.
I really feel for you as I had a greedy sister who I am no contact with.

Thanks everyone. You've all given me food for thought. I will try to find an auctionneer local to my dad's. Sorry for my typos! Thanks for your support. I already had to organise a funeral without help, my brother delayed the funeral by 2 months because he couldn't find a day when he wasn't socialising or going on holiday, so who would have thought so many new and stressful things to cope with while grieving. Many thanks. Any more tips, please keep them coming.

I can't add much more except to say that when my dad died a couple of years ago, my (nice) brother and I struggled to part with some sentimental items but we agreed that a lot of them were dad's memories and not ours which made it easier.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this on your own,it's such a heartbreaking job, could your son make other arrangements for his stuff, he'd have to if you weren't here, then it would make space for something of your dad's that you'd like to keep, I hope everything works out for you.

Could your son pay for some sort of storage facility and help you when he comes back to the U.K.

I think this post is a very strong reminder that we can't take anything with us.
Years ago I had to help someone clear their parent's home and I swore then I would never do it to my children. There was so much waste it was unbelievable.
That's why I am slowly getting rid of what I can because my children won't want it and I wouldn't inflict it on them as they have already had to do it with their dad's house. I even have some of his stuff here!
OP says she can't throw stuff of her own away because it is so emotionally difficult. Getting rid of the emotional hurt is her priority here, as leaving stuff behind for others to sort is, in my view, irresponsible and selfish...

So sorry for your loss. Your head will be all over the place.
I don’t think you mentioned if you are to get money from the sale of your dad’s house. Just wondering if you could afford to hire a storage facility?
Also I would make a list & take photos of what you are keeping, then there is no come back from your brother, or those relatives.
Yes house clearance probably needed but you will only get buttons for anything left.
Have you sold this house, or putting on the market. As someone else said on here you could ask new owners if there is anything that they want to keep.
Good luck

I have also faced this difficult task. I found that I had to mentally detach myself from things……yes, everything evoked memories but at the end of the day it was just stuff. I had no room for everything, nor did my siblings and AC . Some furniture was donated to a charity that helps people setting up in homes of their own after being homeless. I did keep the good canteen of cutlery but all the everyday kitchen items were donated too long with laundered sheets, blankets and towels.

I don’t miss those things, I have my memories and take comfort from those. It just takes focus and strength of will.

Trust me ! Once you have sold furniture etc you will not give that stuff a second thought . Once its gone you will feel nothing but relief - been there , done that.
Do hope you are able to find someone to support and help you through this . Its a massive job abd I completely understand how you feel. However.......
you will get there!! Good luck. 💐🌸

I am sorry you are finding it so hard to let go of your Fathers belongings, the reality is that not letting go can stop you from moving forwards.

You need to let go and move on with your life.

A lot of things that once had value are now nearly worthless, I had a Royal Doulton dinner service that I couldn’t give away.
So your expectations need to be managed.

A good auction house will tell you what’s worth selling.
Beware of house clearance companies, make sure you get an auction house appraisal first before the house clearance come in.

Wow! Thanks everyone for your support and suggestions. I have a partner who also doesn't drive and lives 66 miles away from me, (never felt so alone these past few months). He said he could help by paying for a man and van , but I said, but where is the van going to? He didn't know, but suggested the council dump. I got cross and said there were valuable things and very high quality furniture, and that I wanted a valuation from an auctioneer. Then he sent me an email saying he would get a house clearance company to come round on Monday. He just doesn't get it.
I haven't even looked through what is here properly and my brother still wants to take more books and bookcases. My brother hired a van and helpers to take all the books last week but he filled the van with only two thirds of my dad's books and only three of his seven bookcases!
Less work for me.
Anyway thanks people on Gransnet! I am so glad I posted here. Any more tips for getting valuations and home visit from an auctioneer? You are all raising my spirits.

Hiya not really clear of what your situation is!! House/flat was he an owner is there a will??
I had to clear my father-in-laws house along with his family and it was the most emotional experience ever!! I kept looking for him all the time but the most important thing you have to do is recognise the legality of it!!
Deal with the emotion on one hand but it has to be done and money isn’t always the primary concern. There are a lot of charities that will take furniture etc away for nothing (which is what we did) and then allowed us to benefit others!!
If there is conflict between you and your brother and no will than please please let go and sort the home as best you can and live your best life!! Xx

Your last two posts sound more positive, Penguin2024, but I was sad to hear that your partner doesn’t understand the emotions you are going through. Men!!!🙄 You appear to be surrounded by selfish men. I agree that you should arrange for a reputable auction house to initially make an assessment and organise the sale of the furniture etc. I really think that one of your more wealthy relatives should arrange for storage of those items that they don’t wish you to sell. Before all this happens, take a suitcase to your Dad’s home and select a few items that are of particular sentimental value to you. Wear your ‘big girl’s pants’, take photos (even though you’re rubbish!) and do as rafichagran suggests and make a collage! Keep posting. ♥️

I had to clear my parents’ house, loft, garden and outhouses. Fortunately I did have some help from family. A few things were sold to a dealer. After everyone had taken what they wanted and had room for, we filled three skips from the loft and outhouses, then got a clearance firm in. They also had a shop where some things could be sold, but would not take wardrobes etc so we had to get yet another skip for them. In the end everything was gone- what a relief!

More recently I have had to clear so much of my late husband’s stuff. He was a collector and a hoarder to some extent.
BHF took several pieces of furniture, another charity took more pieces to refurbish ( and provide training and rehabilitation for their clients) . Specialist collections went to specialist auctions and did well. General junk, mainly tools, old radios, old hifi etc, was collected by an auction house and did surprisingly well, as they might easily have gone in a skip. On the other hand, the sort of things that used to sell well no longer have value. Of course some things had to be taken to charity shops and recycling centres and I still have a few things to deal with . It has not been easy but just had to be done.
I wish you well.

Thanks again for your kind and helpful messages and all your great ideas. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences of getting rid of things and selling at auction.
(For those worried about the legal aspects, don't worry yourselves needlessly, it's all done legally).
It's just that I feel so weighed down from the bereavement and the task of clearing so many things from childhood. I am a bit of a hoarder myself and am extremely sentimental about objects that remind me of things. That's why I have to clear my flat before I can take anything from my parents' flat! Personality-wise I am probably the worst kind of person to do this task.
People around me tell me to just chuck things away at the dump , but some of these things cost my parents thousands of pounds to buy new, why should I just throw them away? I am poor and have lived with very little for a very long time.
I could keep the items or sell them, and if I can't do either then maybe try to give them away, and if no one wants them THEN I can throw them away.
It's just a very emotional task to do alone in an empty sad flat full of things, and I find it very hard to decide what to do and am very slow.
I have decided to try and market a luxury coffee set that is ancient but in mint condition, still in its box, and see if I can sell it on ebay for £30- £50. If I can sell it and post it easily without it breaking, then I might continue selling more things online, if not will start to look at auctions.
Most of the auction websites I have looked at just seem to deal with very expensive rare antiques rather than the more modest items I have for sale, maybe they just want you to think that!
But there are hundreds of my dad's things that I can just chuck away or give to charity. Your tips and experiences, are so very welcome I really appreciate this. I think there's an old stereo in a box in the garage, and an old radio, maybe they are worth something! Thank you!