Life as a widow

Some women see a young widow as temptation for their husbands which doesn't say much about their marriages. You eventually make a new life with people on their own and with similar interests. You have been ill Lucky and bound to be low and need to recover, hopefully this is a temporary phase in your life and things improve. I have slowed down a bit and can’t do a lot of what I used to, keep busy in the week but find weekends and bank holiday challenging sometimes. So I am re thinking things

Do people still have dinner parties?
How 1970’s.

You've made me think Luckygirl13. A friend died during COVID but not of COVID. I was in contact with the widow a lot at the time. However, on thinking about it, it's ages since I've seen her. Our lives diverged as we got out of lockdown. She went into full time education and also ran classes on the side. I can't do her classes and am also busy with my own interests. I feel guilty now. I should have tried harder to keep in touch but I'm a bit intimidated by her busy educational life. I should say that she's never contacted me. Maybe it's a friendship that's run it's course as interests have diverged. But maybe not. Oh dear.

I realised this when I got divorced but then also realised I didn’t invite single women to couple events when I was married!

In my experience, widowhood suffers from the fact that there are no generally accepted social rules any longer.

So it is easier to stop inviting us widows, or not start again, as most of us could not accept invitations during the last months of our husbands' lives.

Nor do they know "what to say" so they do not offer condolences or ask if we need help just after our bereavement, and not having done so, find it impossible later to offer help.

Much the same thing applies to anyone who is single.

My strategy is to invite people myself, thus signaling that I would like to see them, and will be happy to accept an invitation.

This is not entirely satisfactory, as you "cannot" invite those with families at Christmas, New year, Easter etc. but on an ordinary day of the week, it should be possible.

I am guessing that the antidote to all this is being out and about - unfortunately this has not been possible for the last couple of months and I am left contemplating what happens when this becomes a permanent state of affairs. Who knows?

Was just chatting to a friend whose OH is dying and her feeling is that we all now just live too long and we need to start letting go with a good grace.

jakuss

When your husba nd dies you may as well have died with him, people who you thought were friends and even my sister just cut you off like as if you're going to ask for something, all over you at the funeral with promises of lifts, help shopping, gardening, days out then you never hear from them again, it took me a year to realise this

I am sorry that you have found this.

I have too, but to a lesser extent I think because the village where I live has a very good social life so I need not be on my own, and am not when I am well enough to join in.

There were couples we both knew well and I hardly hear from them - in fact now don't hear from them. One couple we went on holidays in France together every year and I had seen them as very close friends - I was shocked when they just let the link drop when my OH died. To start with I would send them emails and then gave up when I would get delayed and vague replies.

Another couple we had very close musical connections with - indeed one of them, a professional cellist, played at my OH's funeral. And then they vanished into the ether - they only live about 7 miles away. The wife came round once after OHJ died, then that was it.

Are people uncomfortable when faced with what they fear most? Do the wives think I am after their men (!)? Did they like my OH and put up with me as a hanger-on? Are odd numbers uncomfortable?

I don't know; I simply do not know ......

My friends and I used to do dinner parties years ago. They were great fun but they don't happen now, and haven't for a long time. I have been thinking that they were a thing of the 80s
. I am in a couple and I don't know anyone who does that these days.
I do, however, socialise as an individual with my female friends by meeting one set once a week for breakfast, and other friends I meet on a less regular basis for coffee.
With my breakfast friends we usually organise to do 'nice things' like go out for a day trip or go to the theatre to celebrate when one of us has a birthday, and at Christmas time we organise a nice meal out and a show or something similar.
It is really good to maintain social links.
I had no friends or family here when we moved to the village 12 years ago, but I have made my new friends through attending events at the local community centre and through a couple of different voluntary jobs that I have done.

When your husba nd dies you may as well have died with him, people who you thought were friends and even my sister just cut you off like as if you're going to ask for something, all over you at the funeral with promises of lifts, help shopping, gardening, days out then you never hear from them again, it took me a year to realise this

I find that in a way the reverse is the case.
While we were a couple even when DH wasn’t well, we were happy to invite friends, couples or singles for whatever reason, but now I am on my own, I will invite women friends to lunch, or couples to lunch in the garden in summer, but feel inhibited at entertaining on my own without somebody to keep the conversation going while I’m in the kitchen, do the wine etc and generally spread the “load” or provide a balance.
So I think not being invited to dinner as often probably reflects what I do. OP doesn’t say whether she entertains couples or groups of friends, and I suppose what goes around comes around!
We are all in our 70’s anyway and many people don’t like driving at night so dinners have become lunches and I have to admit that the work involved in planning and providing a meal for 4.6 or 8 is not something I contemplate all that happily.
Family excepted of course.

I'm sorry that you've not really got the benefit of your heart procedure yet.
I'm still part of a couple but we haven't been asked to a dinner party for years. I just don't think they've been happening in our area and age group. Lunches out are the great thing for us. Sometimes I'm meeting friends on my own and sometimes DH is.
I should also say that in our block of flats there are some couples but mostly people seem to be single. We have a few widows, some divorcees and several who have just never married. They're all included in social occasions, drinks parties and drinks in our lovely garden. Everyone who wants to be included is included.

Do you think part of ill health is runinating? I know I am doing far too much of this.

The world of dinner parties is a million miles away from me.

Perhaps because DH is an introvert and socially awkward we have never done the socialising as a couple thing. Isn't it strange what life throws our way, the assumptions we make and so on.

As a long time singleton I have known the exclusion of invites to many things. Couples invite couples.

One of my friends,who is younger than me and already not in the best health is reeling from the death of her husband.
After the initial sympathy and promises of invitations -she's been left high and dry .
My divorced friends say the same things too .
As a singleton you are a loose canon.
I don't live in the same country as my friend otherwise I'd socialise with her .
I advise her to take it easy on herself and do things which she enjoys .
Hopefully she'll make new friends and move forward .

eazybee

Likewise, Marzipan, when I was divorced and discovered social evets, such as regular meals at each others houses were still going on and I was no longer included. These were people I had known since school and it was very hurtful.

Later I moved away and set up a new social life as a single person, and found I was invited to most things, but still not the dinner parties, strictly married couples. I invited people to meals and the unmarried and single returned the invitations, but not the married. Rather silly really.

So, not just me then! The irony is I am not really bothered one way or another with dinner parties ..... it just feels a bit odd sometimes.

Thinking back to when we invited people round for a meal, they were all couples - but then we were younger and more couples were alive and intact!

Thank you for all your replies.

I am normally out and about - run a choir, sing in one, run an arts festival, go to lots of U3A stuff, do the hall bookings etc. etc. But I am not well enough to do these things at the moment as so weak and out of breath. This is why I feel so down - it just goes on and on .......

The whole couples thing was something I noticed from the start of widowhood. Normally I let it wash by me - but not at the moment ..... things can only get better bit by bit I hope.

I have not been able to enjoy the benefits of my latest heart procedure because I have been laid low with bronchitis.

Likewise, Marzipan, when I was divorced and discovered social evets, such as regular meals at each others houses were still going on and I was no longer included. These were people I had known since school and it was very hurtful.

Later I moved away and set up a new social life as a single person, and found I was invited to most things, but still not the dinner parties, strictly married couples. I invited people to meals and the unmarried and single returned the invitations, but not the married. Rather silly really.

I just want to add that I think think I feel more of a whole person in my own right since becoming a widow, rather than the remaining half of a couple. I had so much clearing and sorting out to do, but to counteract that I have increased my activities outside the home, especially via u3a.

Just like Redhead I experienced what you're going through when I was divorced, and felt sad. Then as I gradually rebuilt my life I realised that I could create my own social scene, which now consists of coffee with friends, a very occasional meal at a church get-together and much frequenting of Wetherspoons where I'm always among many other single people and I find that comforting.

We had our share of formal dinner parties, business and friends and I was so glad when they stopped and they did stop when my husband retired. I breathed a sigh of relief

I first felt that awkward solo situation when I was widowed, when I stepped into a room full of couples at the village dinner, I could feel the vibes and had taken note because another widow had warned me

It does not bother me at all, I like my own company very much and would rather not do the circulating social scene any more. People are kind and courteous and that is all I need. I don`t dwell on the past, I just grab as much of life as I want and get on with it, true to myself

This present time, as an older widow, is for reflection and calmness, not to be thinking about the `what ifs`. Being in the present is much more uplifting than wallowing in the past. I am doing what my husband would have wanted for me and that makes me happy. Dinner parties and socialising are well and truly over

There’s definitely truth in fewer invitations when widowed. I suspect there are fewer dinner parties, such a lot of work
Going out for lunch is the new dinner party

I miss mr i’s company but it’s more manageable at a good pub or restaurant lunch than during get together in friends homes where im often the only singleton

We used to take turns to host a full fig dinner for six couples and they were very jolly affairs. When one of our number was widowed, there was still a place at all our tables for her, and likewise when one of the men lost his wife. It would not have been the same without either of them. The lady who was widowed always took her turn to host, but with the widower, who could barely fry a sausage, bless him, we would each take something to his house to eat, and he would provide the drink. His wife had been a superb cook. It made him feel as if he was still doing his bit by opening his home to us, though it was never encumbent on him.

I am part of a group of neighbours who get together a couple of times a year to hold a garden party. Three of us are widowed now but we are always included.

I had a singles' dinner party one evening last year. Not all were women or widows but there were no couples. ☺️

We do invite widows and widowers of friends to meals and parties they are friends just like their dear departed. One fried does invite back she was widowed 30 yrs ago. Meals at home are much cheaper than a restaurant and my wife can show off her cooking skills so it's a pleasure for her. I have cooked myself but to me it's just a meal for 8 or 10, she likes to do all the fussy details that I don't.

Luckygirl3 I have written about this on other threads on this forum. I was widowed when I was 45 my husband was 47 when he died from cancer . I was born disabled.

We had good friends as a couple but did notice that when our male friends offered help and if I needed it their wives came to even if it a job that would take 10 mins. I did say to one very clingy wife I am not in the market for a replacement for Mr W. She was shocked I had said anything . And blustered that she didn't think that but when her husband came to help me she didn't come again .

I never asked for help often . Our children where 20&16 when their dad died and they left home for good 2 years after he died I wanted them to . They had to live their own lives. Our son was going to the same uni our daughter went to and because she came home after her degree she just did temp jobs. I was important to me they lived their lives yo the full. Our daughter worked hard to get her degree and got very good job with it . Our son after a year said mom I can't cope . Told him to stay there as his girlfriend had moved to live near him and he got a good job . Both couples had worked since they where 16.
My daughter meet her future husband at uni and my son his future wife at college .

I lived over 100 miles away and had both parents and mother in law to look after. And other than looking after them I had no social life . There was no time and any offers to go out with couple friends had to turn down as I was on call 24/7.

The moment my husband took his last breath half of me died I no longer had a life I existed . Out home became just a house . But foolish me thought I had to be brave for everyone else. But at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

Mom was the last to die in 2017 , my husband had died in 2004. Then a few weeks after her funeral I became very ill. I just thought life had caught up with me . I had been a carer since I was 11 and looked after my nan of a weekend when she was ill . Two aunts who didn't work looked after her during the week. But it was odd it's just what we did as a family.

I had jaundice caused by 2 high dose tablets I had been taking since 1992. I couldn't see I was yellow top to toe. I was seriously ill for 5 months . But it gave me time to decide what I wanted out of life it was only 3 things move to live closer to my children and buy a bungalow,lose weight and get fit . So started on a a diet once I was discharged from my gastrologist's care and he informed me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. Started lists of things I didn't want and what I did want in my bungalow. And started decluttering . 2018 put my house on the market and joined a Age UK community fit club for 12 weeks .

Since birth have been in constant pain with my limbs fell a lot and host of other problems. But my large extended family never treated me as different even the kids I went to infant and junior school where used to me . I didn't know I was disabled until high school and got bullied everyday for 5 years .

Joining the exercise class I made a friend and we when out weekly . But most of the time I was on my own . I had decided I would have a whole new life when I moved .

I love my bungalow and have a home again. My house sale fell through twice so didn't move until August 2019. Joined sit fit class and lost 7 st over 5 years. I live in the north west and people here are so different. You couldn't pay me million pounds to step foot in the black country again or any part of the west midlands.

The healthcare here is brilliant. I was 61 when I moved and very independent. Just because I am disabled doesn't mean incapable. I live my life to the full . Go to sit fit and move it or lose it weekly ,member of a cuppa and chat group ,craft group,meet 2 friends for lunch every month . Member of a community group . Go to concerts at the famous place in the city been to 4 so far another 5 booked . Go on holiday by myself via train with travel assistance. Stay in Primier inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled except when I visit my brother and sister in law and stay a local travel lodge room same size as Primier inn shower room smaller . But I have all my meals with them .

Going away 4 times this year I only can go in GB. Because of my disability couldn't go on a plane,cruise or coach as I could be stand to be hemmed in close to people plus never get up plant steps or coach. Cruise is my ideal if hell even the small ships .

I have been widowed for 22 years and soon be 68. Aged 62 found out I was born with a hole in the side of my heart but on medication for my PAF which my cardiologist said I should have been on for decades .

Thanks to my neurologist sending my blood away to have my whole genome genetically tested in January 2020 . But didn't get the results until April 2022 aged 63 I know now what my disability is and it's a rare hereditary neurological condition first patient at the neurological hospital to have it . I have visible and invisible disabilities. My neurologist had to research it . But thanks to the rare disease society found a Facebook group of others with it . Started by a Brit it's worldwide and has just over 1,100 members .

My dad always told me no such thing as can't.

Luckygirl do you go out and have you joined any clubs ? Please don't make your health an excuse not to . I have been in constant pain with my limbs all my life . If I was suddenly without pain I would know I was dieing. I have problems walking and use a stick since I was 29 . And spent many years in a wheelchair as the limb jerks started when I was 29 and our daughter 4 years and son 6 months . Only way to go out as a family until the children where older and I got used to my what is called a strange walking gait 🤣. I fall and have host of problems due to my HPX . But when the limb jerks started my husband just said we alter our way to suit you and adapted our house for me . Only thing I couldn't do for years was go out by myself. But I was a hands on mom .

Looking after my husband and others until they died I did it on my own .

Please don't make health and or disability stop you living your life to the full. You can have an active social life on your own . You just have to decide what you want to try and do it . Tomorrow night I am going to see if I am good enough to join a contemporary choir as I love to sing . My daughter said I will attract cats 🤣🤣🤣 I said I may sound like a fog horn 🤣🤣. But I am going to have a go.

Until I moved. I existed but now I live my life to the full . I could use my disability and health to stop me doing things but I don't as I don't know any other way to live . Being disabled from birth I am just me . And glad to say people like me .

But the best think I found me again when my husband died I lost me . But didn't realise until after mom died I had .

I have no intention on letting my disability stop me doing what I want . But most importantly of all I will never be a burden to my daughter . Looking after others nearly destroyed me after my husband died . I will not let my daughter go through that .

And no I am not rich I have state pension,bit of pension credit and enhanced PIP for both parts . But it took me 35 years to get disability benefits.

Yes it hard being a widow and I grieve everyday day for my husband and it gets worse as the years go by. I am still Mrs and still married . Never wanted anyone else had chances . But I found the other half of me when I was 16 my husband was 18 I was his other half together we made a whole . I am still only half a person but because of him I live my life to the full for me and him just like he wanted .