Life as a widow

My husband was never very sociable so we didn't go to a lot dinners in people's homes. H died shortly before Covid so invitations dried up altogether for a couple of years. What I find now is that we are all older, several friends have also been widowed or become unwell, and dinners have become lunches in local restaurants so we are all home before dark.

To be fair, Luckygirl, I think fewer people are inviting friends for meals in the home, widowed or married. We tend to meet friends in cafes or pubs.

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Well I buck the trend. I invite a friend or 2 for a meal almost every Friday. It punctuates the week nicely. Usually fresh fish from the van is on the menu. It's easy.

I also never refuse an invitation incase I don't get invited again.

Having been brought up by a widow I am very aware that invitations can be sparse but I am not afraid to buy 2 tickets to events and invite a friend to join me.

Or, as I did for my last birthday, booked afternoon tea for 2 at a wonderful place where I had always wanted to go and again invited a friend to join me.

It's no good feeling sorry for yourself and I suggest you drop the couples if you're not included. Life's too short.

I agree LucyAnna - every 6 -8 weeks, 6 of us neighbours go for a pub lunch. two are widowed, one divorced (me), one single. (through choice) and 2 are married, but leave their husbands at home. Its something we look forward to.
Luckygirl - Why don’t you start a little ladies’ group ? Take the initiative and suggest it to you neighbours. You’ll be surprised…..

I think that’s true, LucyAnna5. My friends and I used to regularly host get togethers, taking it in turns to host. As we’ve got older, we now tend to meet up for lunch somewhere as it is easier, plus day time meet ups are preferable to evening ones in the winter months, as we like to be in before dark. It’s slightly different in the summer months when we will have the odd get together at each others homes and enjoy being out in the garden.

Perhaps, Luckygirl, you could consider a get together at a nice cafe or garden centre or similar with a few friends in the summer months if your health would allow it?

I don’t think Luckygirl is feeling sorry for herself, Grammaretto, just making an observation as she sees it at the moment?

LucyAnna5

To be fair, Luckygirl, I think fewer people are inviting friends for meals in the home, widowed or married. We tend to meet friends in cafes or pubs.

I think that's true, LucyAnna.

We used to invite friends, neighbours for dinner and go to their houses too but have not done that for years. Perhaps an informal gathering occasionally, but not a dinner party.

It's a lot of hard work for the host(s) and much more relaxing to go out.

And lunch-time is preferable now we're older too.

I, and 2 of my widowed friends, take it in turns to host dinner once a month, usually on a Saturday evening. We take the opportunity to cook something special, usually a 3 course dinner with good wines; lay the table with our nicest dinner ware, cutlery, crystal and napkins that has been lying unused for far too long. We really make the effort to make the menu, and the table special. It's lovely to have the incentive to use our "best and nicest" for each other and, as each turn only comes around every 3 months, it's not too expensive or too much trouble. And it's fab being the guest!

Maybe I am just a bit down atm. Plagued by ill health just now. And not really well enough to go out anyway! Things can only get better ......
I do have lots of friends. I just miss the sort of social life we once had. Being a bit tied to.the house just now does not help.
It is interesting though how people tend to be invited as couples.

Chin up, Luckygirl3 🤗. Things will feel a lot better when the weather picks up. At the moment, even when it's sunny, the air is very cold and I'm fed up with the wind.

I hope your mood lifts soon, the warm sunny weather should sort us all out ☀️ 💐.

I’d rather go out for coffee or lunch with friends than be invited to a meal in their homes because that would put pressure on me to reciprocate and quite frankly, these days I CBA with all the work.

I belong to two lunch groups which for me is the answer where dining with friends is concerned. Nothing nicer than coming home, putting my feet up and having a snooze after a lovely meal in good company.

Except for a couple of friends the dinner invitations gradually tailed off after my husband died. As time went on they were mostly replaced by going out for pub or restaurant meals. Then I moved to Canada where eating out is very common. Also potlucks are fairly common. They're easy and fun because people turn up with a dish without prior discussion and it always works. Come to think of it, I don't know anyone who gets the posh china out nowadays. I see plenty of it in the thift stores though!
I visited several friends in the UK last summer and all lunches/dinners were wine bar. pub or restaurant. Times have changed, from the 70's and 80's when I spent long, tiring hours in the kitchen creating posh noshes!
I like the less formal and more casual style these days.
My daughter and family invited me and 2 others round for a meal recently. A simple bowl of chili each, corn bread and a salad. I took an apple pie and someone else had bought a cake.

Sorry you’re feeling low Luckygirl. My (unintentional) insensitive post probably hasn’t helped.

I hope you will soon feel well enough to go out with friends again.

I'm sorry you are feeling down Luckygirl

Not having a partner does make life harder and especially if one is shy to go alone.
I hope you feel better soon 💖

I experienced the same behaviour while going through divorce being excluded.
I don't think it was because family and friends took sides they just felt awkward. It was a very lonely time for me and I won't ever forget it.
Try not to be disheartened discover new opportunities meet other people even out of your comfort zone locally. Summer is not far away get out and about good for mind and body it will lift your spirits

How about having a nice meal delivered to cheer you up? Some wine if you are sllowed booze and a good film on the TV

Just recently I was invited by friends to an evening meal at their house, along with two couples. I appreciated being invited as myself rather than as part of a couple. A new experience.

Luckygirl3 I have written about this on other threads on this forum. I was widowed when I was 45 my husband was 47 when he died from cancer . I was born disabled.

We had good friends as a couple but did notice that when our male friends offered help and if I needed it their wives came to even if it a job that would take 10 mins. I did say to one very clingy wife I am not in the market for a replacement for Mr W. She was shocked I had said anything . And blustered that she didn't think that but when her husband came to help me she didn't come again .

I never asked for help often . Our children where 20&16 when their dad died and they left home for good 2 years after he died I wanted them to . They had to live their own lives. Our son was going to the same uni our daughter went to and because she came home after her degree she just did temp jobs. I was important to me they lived their lives yo the full. Our daughter worked hard to get her degree and got very good job with it . Our son after a year said mom I can't cope . Told him to stay there as his girlfriend had moved to live near him and he got a good job . Both couples had worked since they where 16.
My daughter meet her future husband at uni and my son his future wife at college .

I lived over 100 miles away and had both parents and mother in law to look after. And other than looking after them I had no social life . There was no time and any offers to go out with couple friends had to turn down as I was on call 24/7.

The moment my husband took his last breath half of me died I no longer had a life I existed . Out home became just a house . But foolish me thought I had to be brave for everyone else. But at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

Mom was the last to die in 2017 , my husband had died in 2004. Then a few weeks after her funeral I became very ill. I just thought life had caught up with me . I had been a carer since I was 11 and looked after my nan of a weekend when she was ill . Two aunts who didn't work looked after her during the week. But it was odd it's just what we did as a family.

I had jaundice caused by 2 high dose tablets I had been taking since 1992. I couldn't see I was yellow top to toe. I was seriously ill for 5 months . But it gave me time to decide what I wanted out of life it was only 3 things move to live closer to my children and buy a bungalow,lose weight and get fit . So started on a a diet once I was discharged from my gastrologist's care and he informed me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. Started lists of things I didn't want and what I did want in my bungalow. And started decluttering . 2018 put my house on the market and joined a Age UK community fit club for 12 weeks .

Since birth have been in constant pain with my limbs fell a lot and host of other problems. But my large extended family never treated me as different even the kids I went to infant and junior school where used to me . I didn't know I was disabled until high school and got bullied everyday for 5 years .

Joining the exercise class I made a friend and we when out weekly . But most of the time I was on my own . I had decided I would have a whole new life when I moved .

I love my bungalow and have a home again. My house sale fell through twice so didn't move until August 2019. Joined sit fit class and lost 7 st over 5 years. I live in the north west and people here are so different. You couldn't pay me million pounds to step foot in the black country again or any part of the west midlands.

The healthcare here is brilliant. I was 61 when I moved and very independent. Just because I am disabled doesn't mean incapable. I live my life to the full . Go to sit fit and move it or lose it weekly ,member of a cuppa and chat group ,craft group,meet 2 friends for lunch every month . Member of a community group . Go to concerts at the famous place in the city been to 4 so far another 5 booked . Go on holiday by myself via train with travel assistance. Stay in Primier inn as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled except when I visit my brother and sister in law and stay a local travel lodge room same size as Primier inn shower room smaller . But I have all my meals with them .

Going away 4 times this year I only can go in GB. Because of my disability couldn't go on a plane,cruise or coach as I could be stand to be hemmed in close to people plus never get up plant steps or coach. Cruise is my ideal if hell even the small ships .

I have been widowed for 22 years and soon be 68. Aged 62 found out I was born with a hole in the side of my heart but on medication for my PAF which my cardiologist said I should have been on for decades .

Thanks to my neurologist sending my blood away to have my whole genome genetically tested in January 2020 . But didn't get the results until April 2022 aged 63 I know now what my disability is and it's a rare hereditary neurological condition first patient at the neurological hospital to have it . I have visible and invisible disabilities. My neurologist had to research it . But thanks to the rare disease society found a Facebook group of others with it . Started by a Brit it's worldwide and has just over 1,100 members .

My dad always told me no such thing as can't.

Luckygirl do you go out and have you joined any clubs ? Please don't make your health an excuse not to . I have been in constant pain with my limbs all my life . If I was suddenly without pain I would know I was dieing. I have problems walking and use a stick since I was 29 . And spent many years in a wheelchair as the limb jerks started when I was 29 and our daughter 4 years and son 6 months . Only way to go out as a family until the children where older and I got used to my what is called a strange walking gait 🤣. I fall and have host of problems due to my HPX . But when the limb jerks started my husband just said we alter our way to suit you and adapted our house for me . Only thing I couldn't do for years was go out by myself. But I was a hands on mom .

Looking after my husband and others until they died I did it on my own .

Please don't make health and or disability stop you living your life to the full. You can have an active social life on your own . You just have to decide what you want to try and do it . Tomorrow night I am going to see if I am good enough to join a contemporary choir as I love to sing . My daughter said I will attract cats 🤣🤣🤣 I said I may sound like a fog horn 🤣🤣. But I am going to have a go.

Until I moved. I existed but now I live my life to the full . I could use my disability and health to stop me doing things but I don't as I don't know any other way to live . Being disabled from birth I am just me . And glad to say people like me .

But the best think I found me again when my husband died I lost me . But didn't realise until after mom died I had .

I have no intention on letting my disability stop me doing what I want . But most importantly of all I will never be a burden to my daughter . Looking after others nearly destroyed me after my husband died . I will not let my daughter go through that .

And no I am not rich I have state pension,bit of pension credit and enhanced PIP for both parts . But it took me 35 years to get disability benefits.

Yes it hard being a widow and I grieve everyday day for my husband and it gets worse as the years go by. I am still Mrs and still married . Never wanted anyone else had chances . But I found the other half of me when I was 16 my husband was 18 I was his other half together we made a whole . I am still only half a person but because of him I live my life to the full for me and him just like he wanted .

We do invite widows and widowers of friends to meals and parties they are friends just like their dear departed. One fried does invite back she was widowed 30 yrs ago. Meals at home are much cheaper than a restaurant and my wife can show off her cooking skills so it's a pleasure for her. I have cooked myself but to me it's just a meal for 8 or 10, she likes to do all the fussy details that I don't.

I had a singles' dinner party one evening last year. Not all were women or widows but there were no couples. ☺️

We used to take turns to host a full fig dinner for six couples and they were very jolly affairs. When one of our number was widowed, there was still a place at all our tables for her, and likewise when one of the men lost his wife. It would not have been the same without either of them. The lady who was widowed always took her turn to host, but with the widower, who could barely fry a sausage, bless him, we would each take something to his house to eat, and he would provide the drink. His wife had been a superb cook. It made him feel as if he was still doing his bit by opening his home to us, though it was never encumbent on him.

I am part of a group of neighbours who get together a couple of times a year to hold a garden party. Three of us are widowed now but we are always included.

There’s definitely truth in fewer invitations when widowed. I suspect there are fewer dinner parties, such a lot of work
Going out for lunch is the new dinner party

I miss mr i’s company but it’s more manageable at a good pub or restaurant lunch than during get together in friends homes where im often the only singleton

We had our share of formal dinner parties, business and friends and I was so glad when they stopped and they did stop when my husband retired. I breathed a sigh of relief

I first felt that awkward solo situation when I was widowed, when I stepped into a room full of couples at the village dinner, I could feel the vibes and had taken note because another widow had warned me

It does not bother me at all, I like my own company very much and would rather not do the circulating social scene any more. People are kind and courteous and that is all I need. I don`t dwell on the past, I just grab as much of life as I want and get on with it, true to myself

This present time, as an older widow, is for reflection and calmness, not to be thinking about the `what ifs`. Being in the present is much more uplifting than wallowing in the past. I am doing what my husband would have wanted for me and that makes me happy. Dinner parties and socialising are well and truly over

Just like Redhead I experienced what you're going through when I was divorced, and felt sad. Then as I gradually rebuilt my life I realised that I could create my own social scene, which now consists of coffee with friends, a very occasional meal at a church get-together and much frequenting of Wetherspoons where I'm always among many other single people and I find that comforting.