Bereavement wipes out everything

I'm sure one or two of those tears are for your sister and dad, as well as for Mystyeyes11, even if you don't think they are.
I can cry over anything these days but I never could before....

It’s strange, I am lying here in tears reading your posts. Yet I have barely shed a tear for my dad, or my sister.
I loved the bones of them both but I have this emotional blockage in my chest & just can’t get the tears to flow.
😞🫂

I'm so sorry your family is fractured, Mystyeyes11

The last thing you need

xxxx

Have you heard of kintsugi (I think that's what its called)
Its the art of fixing broken, fragile items by running threads of pure gold into the cracks and breaks.
It then becomes stronger, more unique, and more beautiful as a result.

That will be you, eventually, not now - its too soon, but in who knows what time... i used to sometimes feel that if i stopped grieving it was somehow betraying my girl.
Not exactly betraying, but accepting the unacceptable.

Is that how you feel?
I now realise that the grieving is aways there; it won't go away, ever, but that's something people have to come to terms with for themselves.

The thought of that sounds wonderful but right now i am under storm clouds with people bullying my way of grieving
Turning it into a competition how can 1 family fight this way and why oh why in totally bereftshedding tears like a tree shedsi its leavesfor gods sake he was my husband surely i have some right to how i grieve for the love of my life o loved him for 57 years unconditionally before he passed andd love him still.im worn out with it all we wwre always together why did he not take me on his last journey with him im broke xxx

Mystyeyes11 I think you could have "found your tribe" in the posters on this thread.
They have so much experience and understanding of what you too are very sadly having to live through. Let them support you, trust and believe in what they say.
The sun will shine again for you one day xx

Whiffy's a wonder woman.

Morning Whiff may I say your posts have a way of inspiring me when im really low. Im new to this world of only being a half and most of the time I really struggle with it. I had 57 years with my wonderful man I was very blessed, I have just reached the 18th week of being a half i am distraught cant find how to keep going other than a minute at a time. My heads a muddle my whole body aches like its been clamped in a vice all those weeks since I lost him, im learning the meaning of your expression of bone crushing grief. Your experiences have put your life through the mill and you still find the strength to keep going. At the moment I dont feel i can make 22 weeks let alone 22 years. Sadly my DH passing has caused rifts in the family of which seem unsurmountable, instead of supporting each other they are ripping each other apart, I am glad my DH isnt witnessing all this at this point i didnt just lose my DH but a whole family at a time when we should be holding the ends together. O wish I could summon up the strength to hang onto all these loose ends and pull them back together. Keep posting Whiff as your "rambles," are helping me to try and get a foothold. A big hug to everyone in this quagmire of grief and uncertainty xxxx

As everyone has said grief hurts everyday and it never ends . But as I have said you can't grieve unless you have loved and loved in return . I would rather have this grief daily than never know the love we shared. As we all know married life isn't easy and if you have children it gets harder. But you bring your children up to be adults then let them fly and live their own lives. I still did that as I had to and to be honest had enough on my plate looking after my parents and mother in law. When the children where home I thought I had to be brave for them . They were coping with their grief. I would never say I understood and I know my daughter still misses her dad very much . And she feels responsible for me but like I tell her I can look after myself . From when the children left home to when I moved to live closer to them I had 13 years with no back up. On call 24/7 those who had parents or older relatives you understand when they needed you ,you went no matter the time. My children never know how bad things got and never will.

If those who don't know me my son decided via email 6 years ago 4 days after my birthday to estranged me but not just me but all what is left of our side of the family. Last time I saw his 2 eldest they where 4&2 ,their brother was due in July 2020 don't know his name or date of birth but I wish him happy birthday to the air on his due date I have given him a name as I can't think of him without one.

I am lonely but only for my husband. I found I liked living on my own . At first I thought how will I get through the next 30 years along and it frightened me . But its been 22 years and getting through everyday.

My life was put on hold until I moved here had no life I existed and the house wasn't home my husband was home. Those looking after older relatives or younger ones who need you will understand that. Looking back I don't know how I did it all . But being widowed at 45 younger than many not all on here. I was brought up just to get on with things and you looked after family. I could have estranged my mother in law as I hated that woman for 40 years but I couldn't do that she was family.

I have had mobility problems and constant pain my whole life as I was born disabled. But I was never treated as different. My dad said no such word as can't if I said can not he would give me a look. Said before I grew up with a large extended family and friends . Only when I went to high school I realised I was different and bullied for 5 years.

I vowed I would never be bullied again nor let any children we had be bullied. I told our children if anyone hit,kicked or did anything to them then they do exactly the same to them but harder . And they did.

Grieving and havjng health problems and or mobility problems is hard but there are ways top cope and do what you want. But it takes time especially if you have been married a long time and still counting your grief in hours, days, weeks ,months and early years . I did all that . I hated 1.27pm every Friday for years as that was the time my husband died. Took years to stop clock watching then one Friday I didn't realise I didn't notice the time.

Being disabled from birth meant things where harder but I still did and do to this day things my way . I have never used my disability to stop doing things . My husband saw me not my disability. Also I only found out through having my blood genetically tested that at the age of 63 what I was born with and its a rare hereditary neurological condition. Have visible and invisible disabilities.

But if you have been active and having health and mobility issues later in life is harder especially without the love and support of the other half of yourself. It makes the grief harder.
But I have found disability doesn't mean incapable you have to be inventive and use things in a different way to achieve what you want.

But grieve can and does make you feel you don't or can't do things. But you can't it just takes time. When the other half of you dues I found I was lost and people viewed you differently . But you are the same person under your grief. Especially after the funeral you know who really cares about you as people disappear from your life . Still remember thinking did they only put up with me because of my husband which made me feel worse . Some will understand that feeling.

My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live to live without him and that was a series of promises which I have kept. But we knew he wouldn't live 5 years . I watched him dieing bit by bit everyday once terminal we knew we had months not years. But he had to die there was nothing to help him live. Those who faced saddened death or only knew months or weeks in advanced I have no idea how you cope and wouldn't insult you by saying I understand that. You are in shock plus grief 2 things that shouldn't be mixed together.
As always I ramble on and never know if I make sense . But I would never want anyone to thing they are alone.

No one can walk in your shoes. This has to happen to you for you to realise. There can be good days or bad days where the feelings just rush in and swamp you. Small things can spark it off whether you will it or not. Eventually you can learn to live with it but you never get over it. After my son died the one thing that helped me through was raising money for the charity which supports others with his illness. It gave me permission to take part in the world again and have meaning in my life.

He sounds like a lovely man.
A real gem.

Thankyou i will try it , i am tired beds a luxury these days too much vacant space ot as warm and inviting as it once was when my DH warmed it for me first xxx

Torment the cat for half an hour.
That's the spirit!,
We used to just put a paper bag on the floor and watch him start zooming around the room like a maniac once he'd climbed inside.

I'm sorry today has been such a hard one for you.
Hoping for a little break for you, as you must be exhausted.

I wake crying every morning lasts almost till lunchtime, i try not to cry in the afternoon but get days when the tears just take over. Today was really bad sobbed uncontrollably this afternoon to point i was shaking i text a neighbour for help she stayed with me till i calmed down not been that bad before with shaking. I could try that idea the crying seems to be getting worse. Thankyou for that xxx

Or, you could play with the cat for half an hour.
If the cat isn't keen, just sit and have a cuddle with him/her.
It's very calming, I think even proven to be so.

Can I make a suggestion?
Do you think you might be able to go an hour without crying, or even half an hour?

Is there a tv programme you used to enjoy?

Maybe you could try to sit for thst little amount of time, without crying, and try to watch the programme? (Even if you're not really the slightest bit interested)

Some people schedule in a slot to cry each day, but maybe, for you, a slot where you try not to cry might be easier

Im bewildered. Confused. Tearful muddled nothing is making any sense to me keep thinking hes sat across from me then i look thru the deluge of tears and hes not and i realise he will never ever be sat there again ever and my tears turn to sobbing, wailing mess of emotion. I doubt my tears will ever stop. I dont want this new life there was nothing wrong with the one i had. I just want him back in so lonely without him, i talk to him but no answer comes the firm reply at least the cat does me the courtersy of a weak sounding meow i so want to be with him he was and is my world now all i have is empty space xxx

automatic ......

Doodle

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Unless you have mobility (or other issues) that severely limit your ability to be independent, to go out on your own I appreciate it's impossible to really imagine what it's like. IME it truly impacts on any coping strategies for your grief that other able people might be able to adopt.The world out there is not disability friendly but I guess that's a whole other thread. But suffice it to say that if I had a magic wand, I'd start with the state of the pavements, lack of dropped kerbs and lack of atomic opening doors.

Very good advice Doodle and kindly meant. Grief is debilitating. It’s messy and just plain hard. But (and I say this respectfully) dwelling on thoughts can easily turn into wallowing. I’m not quite 4 months into widowhood. I miss Himself so much it hurts. But one has to try to help oneself. As best as.

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Mystyeyes we do understand. I thought I was going mad after DH died. I would walk round my lounge wailing and sobbing (don’t know what the neighbours thought) . I was scared for myself. No suicidal thoughts because I love my family so much but like you, how can I gon on like this. Is this what is left of my life now. I used to literally shake all the time. I couldn’t hold my hands still. No matter what I was doing I was thinking of DH and I still am.

I’m fortunate in having, what has turned out to be, a very caring friend. We went out one Saturday into our local town. I was so stressed I was pretending I was ok when all the time I was thinking is this my life now. Is this what I’m reduced to. Walking round a miserable town with most of its shops shut. No interest in buying anything because what did I need now. No need of new clothes or shoes. No interest in food. What was I doing here just wondering round. Then I came across a small area sectioned off where a local rescue home was collecting money for retired animals. They had some donkeys there and one came up to me and I stroked it and felt a smile come upon my face. My friend with me said my face lit up for a while just stroking this gentle creature. It was a start.

People said “he wouldn’t want you to be sad” as if that would stop it happening. Think of all the years you’ve had together …but I wanted more.

I didn’t think there was anyone on earth who felt as bad and sad as me. I had no idea how I could go on another day. I (along with many others here) know how you feel.

If I can offer some gentle advice, find something to occupy your days. Even if it’s something you don’t really enjoy you’d be surprised how after a while things can look a bit brighter,
If mornings are worst, go out. Join things. Walking groups, flower arranging, tai chi, art, something, anything where you can meet people and talk. Look for things on the internet. Maybe there’s a talking tables group nearby where people just go who are lonely to chat. Knit and natter groups, even if you don’t knit someone will teach you.

Sorry I’m going on a bit but I do want to help you. The grief will never go. I think of my beloved all day long. He’s in my mind no matter what I’m doing. The tears still come and I’m still so lonely but I have made a lot of friends. It’s not easy but you need to try. Have a go at counselling and don’t dismiss it out of hand. You might find some counselling groups that meet for coffee. Just give it a try and know that there are many here who care. Big hug.

Another day of many tears been awake all night weeping for my DH i dread each minute of the day my tears are never ending just dont stop. I miss him so very much, my DH was so wonderful even breathing hurts im crying constantly feel like i just cant go on without him each day worse than the one before why am i even bothering to get up theres no reason to without him, like so many people on here he was myworld, my life my very reason for being if i could just hold his hand once morehe could show me the way forward. Holding his hand or a hug from him used to make everything right he had a magic touch that put the world to rights. I miss you so much my DH so very much. To all on this journey take care xxxc

Wyllow3 he was and still is very special to me I am stuck cant think beyond the very minute I am in the middle of dont know how or where I am meant to be a constant barage of tears I yearn to be with him hes my world, i am totally heartbroken I love him so very much like everyone here i just want hom back xx

Romola I meet my husband when I was 16 he was 18. Or I should say my brother sold me. My husband and brother were best friends even though my husband was older. My brother is 16 months younger than me. They where both in the scouts. My husband said get your sister to go out with me and I will by you a pint. I agreed on a date. My large extended family where jokers amongst all their other wonderful ways. Our dad told my brother he had better not be pulling my leg. Anyway my husband came he has an old dark blue mini. The ones in 1975 with the quarter windows and complicated seat belts. In fact he brought my brother 2 pints so he sold me for 34p as a pint was 17p in 1975.

I explained all my health problems and how my life worked. Didn't phase him. We went to a pub. I did drink but had never been in a pub. Remember havjng a brandy and babycham and he a pint. We went for a walk and he needed the loo. Looking back I don't if it was nerves but it became a running joke him needing the loo sometimes where there wasn't one. Instead of taking me in the pub he left me outside by the grave yard by a pub . I was 16 and first date but I made him pay by telling that story for years.

I never thought it would last and he told me he loved me long before I told him . He had 4 other girlfriends before me but they never lasted long he dumped them . Had plenty of boys who where friends and one who wanted to be my boyfriend he's idea of romance was showing me his pigeon loft . But he was a good friend and I didn't want to lose that.

As some with know I was born disabled but I knew I was different my large extended famiky kids I grew up with never treated me as different. It wasn't until high school that my difference meant I got bullied everyday say for 5 years.

When we talked about getting married I told my husband he had to ask me properly and ask my dad . My dad said how many camels are you going to give me. We got engaged on my 18th birthday. And married when I was 23 he was 24. We had both been brought up in houses our parents brought and I had saved since a child so we worked, I saved and our hols where camping . Brought our first house in 1980 and married 1981.This year would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.

His parents never wanted me in their family my father in law told me I was defective to my face. I hated my in laws not because of how they treated me but because they never showed my husband any love or gave him the attention he need. That's why he joined the scouts to escape his home life. He's father wanted to send him to boarding school when he was 13 because he didn't like his friends. The only good thing his mother did was refuse to have him sent to boarding school.

My husband got all the love and attention from my family . My parents never treated him differently to how they my brother and me. We had 29 years as a couple married 22 when he died. Our children were 20&16 in 2004 when he died aged 47 but we knew from 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years.

It took my brother is one his third marriage. His first lasted 2 years and found his wife in bed with his a friend. Second married he had 3 children but his wife who I never liked but she was always treated well as she was family. My husband hated her on sight. They where married 22 years before they divorced . Three times my ex sister in law decide she didn't want to be married. When it finally ended my nephew and oldest niece went with there dad. My youngest niece was 8 so stayed with her mom. Her sister was 10 years older and brother 14 years older.

When my brother meet my sister in law 12 years ago he brought her to see me after 2 weeks and told me he finally had want my husband and me had . They had found the other half of themselves. In September they will have been married 10 years and are renewing their marriage vows. Just the 2 of them . They where going to have a party but logistically turned out not possible . But I told then it will be more special just the 2 of them. My brother will be 67 this year and my sister in law is 64. Second marriage for her. She has 2 sons but unless she contacts them they don't bother with her. My brothers children love her very much and she is a better mom than their own . I loved her from our first meeting and told my brother finally I have someone else to love. Mom got to see them marry and she said finally someone who deserves him.

They are each other's other half and make a whole. She has MS and in a wheelchair when out, unless my brother is with her and they have short walks .

When you meet when young you grow up together and most people are together longer far longer than my husband and me but it doesn't make the grief easier my husband has missed so much . When you have been together longer you have more memories and had more time to do things together. But the grief hits hard. My brother knows one of them will be left alone and how hard it will be. But I tell them to enjoy the now and look forward. They are now now grandparents technically my sister in law is step nannie but I say she is just nannie and I have my first great nephew who I will never see in person as I will never go back to the black country. But I have always had a loving relationship with my brothers eldest kids. With my youngest niece never had that.

I know my rambles go on. Yes longer you love the other half of yourself it is when they died it harder but in my experience it doesn't matter how long you have been together whether its a year or 60 if they person is your other half of yourself then the grief never dies and never gets easier but the love and life you shared never dies.

Doodle people think the funeral is the end of grief but its not to be honest I hardly remember the date of my husbsnds funeral just member the day. And how it felt. Two years Doodle still remember you're heart breaking post when you posted Mr D had died. But like I keep saying I class the first 10 years as early grief. Grief never gets easier you just learn to cope but the bone crushing grief can hit you out of the blue and you are straight back to the day they died.

Fartooold thank you . I just ramble on . But that's me in real life . A GN friend who I see every month for lunch who has another friend who lives close by me said she would like to meet me. And told her Whiff is just like she writes. So once a month the 3 of us go out to lunch and try different restaurants. Funny enough we just clicked . We what's app nearly everyday. My daughter says I have one of those faces. As strangers talk to me . I just say hello and they talk about anything. If I have experience in what they are going through I try and help.

With me what you see is what you get . All of you here take care of yourselves that's what your loved ones would want . Take it a day at a time, tears are not a sign of weakness but love as without love there would be no tears. Hugs 🫂