Bereavement wipes out everything

How do I put this gently?
I have no doubts that your intentions are the best and your kind thoughts do not go unappreciated.
But until a person has suffered the loss of someone dear to them, a life partner, a child, particularly an untimely death it is only so many words.
I am not underestimating the loss of a parent - but in many cases that is the natural order of things and one may have siblings or a partner to support them.The aloneness of losing one’s life partner is of a whole different dimension.
Much has been written on bereavement and loss, some of it helpful, some less so.
We are all different and we cannot know how we will react until it happens.
You can’t prepare for bereavement, you can’t rehearse your emotions.
The initial relief that suffering is over may help to dull the sucker punch in the solar plexus, and the waves of grief which wash over your head. But the loss remains.
There is no right way to grieve and while time can help you to cope with the immediate pain, it does not necessarily heal in the way the saying suggests. No, grief does not necessarily eventually fade away.
But thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Grief is a very personal thing. I lost my brother at 37 and my eldest brother at 80 I grieve for them both but in different ways. My sister lost her son young and I can’t even begin to know how she gets up daily for the past 30 years. So yes it is hard.

Last year I was on a rollercoaster of anxiety for ten awful months. The relief I felt when Himself died ten weeks ago was my overwhelming emotion, followed by anguish knowing that ‘this is it’ - I will never again be held by him nor hear his voice.

A light has gone out in my world now. I thought I was prepared for grief but as MawsRosie says emotions cannot be rehearsed. Some days I cope better than others. Today? My chest felt heavy as though weighed down by wet sand.

My beloved man urged me to Stay Strong “We always knew this day was coming” he said. So I try. I do my best for his sake. It’s what he wanted from me and for me.

FGT2, but I believe you will be held by your darling husband again, and you will hear his voice.

I would not have coped as well with my losses if I didn't have this belief, it really does give me comfort and hope.

I don't think this is it, there has been too many testimonies to dismiss the afterlife. I believe we will all be reunited with our loved ones, including pets, some day. In the meantime, try to enjoy your life, find pleasure in the smallest things, think of your loved ones often and speak their name, keep their memory alive and smile at the thought. Best wishes to all that are grieving 💐.

We visited my Sister in Law yesterday. Her husband ( my brother) died just after Christmas 2024 and her son ( my nephew ) aged 49 died three months ago. Of course I grieve for them too. She was having a really difficult day and kept apologising for being ‘in a state’.
We were glad to be there for her and of course she didn’t need to apologise.
I am lucky to still have DH and my three daughters and I cannot begin to think how she must be feeling.

For me it has not faded away. It is not front and centre of my life now, but is a background pain. I have no expectation that it will go away. I get on with my daily life of course, but when your life's partner is no longer there each day is a reminder. It cannot be otherwise.

I agree with Luckygirl. My husband died when he was 50 years old after 14 months of illness. My life is completely altered. I had to adjust to being alone and make all my own decisions without my husband's support and encouragement and that is what I really miss. I plod on with various interests and try to make the best of life but the fun and close companionship we enjoyed is gone forever and the grief remains.

Yes, the grief remains.

I thought yes that’s a good way to put it - wipes everything out. This year my 22y granddaughter died suddenly and I am still long term slowly grieving the slow loss my of husband of 53 years whilst he deteriorates with MND . I think my life as I expected it to be at 70 is wiped out and any control of things is gone . So no I don’t think it will ever get any better.

Oh Pebbles I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I read your post. My heart goes out to you.

Pebbles - 💐a small gesture, but I wanted to acknowledge your sad situation and hope it helps you to know people care. x

Coffeedrinkingthinker
Maybe you are right in that grief may fade in time - but my experience alongside two people in my own wider family says that in some cases it never actually fades away.

Grief is individual. Its almost 4 years since my daughter died and I still think about and miss her every day. I worry about my granddaughters, her now teenage daughters, and how their lives are so different now from what they would have been. For us its not fading nor is it going to go away. Of course we get on with life and have enjoyable times but the underlining sadness is always there.

NotSpaghetti

Coffeedrinkingthinker
Maybe you are right in that grief may fade in time - but my experience alongside two people in my own wider family says that in some cases it never actually fades away.

I agree. Five years ago, My youngest son died very suddenly and unexpectedly at 39, soon followed by his father, who I nursed through terminal cancer a few months later.
The pain was physical. That fades, one gets used to it, but the sadness is always with me; the gap in my life.
Then the big hole left by a partner/husband of over 50 years is hard to deal with - everything done together, now having
to be done alone. One finds out who are ones friends!
Both would have hated me to hide in a hole and drown in tears. It’s hard, but if a big smile is plastered on my face, and I brave the awfulness of solitude, it’s not too dreadful. Tears are in private.

Without wishing to be intrusive OP could you share your own experience of the area of bereavement?
Where you are coming from on the subject?
It is clearly very personal but so far the consensus seems to be that grief does not eventually fade away

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Last year I was on a rollercoaster of anxiety for ten awful months. The relief I felt when Himself died ten weeks ago was my overwhelming emotion, followed by anguish knowing that ‘this is it’ - I will never again be held by him nor hear his voice.

A light has gone out in my world now. I thought I was prepared for grief but as MawsRosie says emotions cannot be rehearsed. Some days I cope better than others. Today? My chest felt heavy as though weighed down by wet sand.

My beloved man urged me to Stay Strong “We always knew this day was coming” he said. So I try. I do my best for his sake. It’s what he wanted from me and for me.

So sorry to hear this💐

As already said, grief takes different people in different ways.
Circumstances are different too.Bereavement will always affect a person and tho life goes on it’s an altered life.

I know it is stating the obvious to say that loss and grief are part of life "In the midst of life we are in death" but it doesn't make it any easier.

My love and sympathy goes out to all of us who get on with our daily lives, as best we can, under a cloud of grief which never goes away.

I know a few ladies who were widowed in their sixties. They are all doing their best to keep going by joining clubs, associations, being useful, but you can feel the sadness behind every one of them. Some are brave enough/lucky enough to meet another partner at say the gold club or sailing club but there are not many. If they have family, they talk mostly about them. If they don't they keep themselves very busy. I admire them and do not know what I would do or say if I were in their position. We can only be compassionate to those around us who experience loss, sadness, and life changing conditions and care and listen, hoping that when it is our turn, others will be the same towards us.

I think a virtual group hug is in order don’t you for those of us struggling or trying to come to terms with loss. Grief is messy and complicated. I’m having weekly bereavement counselling sessions and have come to realise (a) how individual grief is and (b) it’s not linear.

FriedGreenTomatoes Well said. Hers a virtual hug from me (((( ))))

Both my parents are dead , as many here also. I’m an only child and was very close to them both, I watched my DM grieve for the rest of her life 2016-2022, her grief for her DH never ever faded.

I can empathise with people, but not having a husband or child die, I can never really understand.

A longstanding friend’s husband died in 2016, she was 56, he was 66. She was, naturally, devastated and wanted to end her life. She didn’t however, and slowly but surely rebuilt her life and came to terms with her loss and “new” life.

She has met a new partner, she’ll never marry him, but they do live together and have a nice life. She’ll never forget her husband, she still grieves, but discretely and silently. She simply didn’t want to live the rest of her life alone.

My heart is with her and everyone else grieving

FriedGreenTomatoes2

I think a virtual group hug is in order don’t you for those of us struggling or trying to come to terms with loss. Grief is messy and complicated. I’m having weekly bereavement counselling sessions and have come to realise (a) how individual grief is and (b) it’s not linear.

🤗🤗🤗

My mother died when I was 23, my sister was left without her mother at 14. My in-laws both died in 1971, both in their 50s, leaving an 1 year old son. My brother took his own life at 24. My nephew died of leukemia at 16. I was visiting him in hospital when he died. His mother never got over it (obviously) and died of a heart attack aged 49 leaving a young son. It is far from easy. for you all.