Bereavement wipes out everything

Thank you Whiff, I always. Love your thoughtful posts and your honesty! Take care.

It is hard Romola. DH and I were together 57 years. I miss him more than words can say. Today two years ago was his funeral. So many memories so much pain but love is worth it.

Perhaps it's harder to lose your life's partner if you were very young when you got together. You have grown up together, as if rooted in the same soil.
A long and happy marriage is probably the best thing that life on this earth offers.

Fartooold its true as soon as you know a person is going to die you grieve but when they do die even though it is expected it hits you even harder. You will cry when its time. There is no timetable for grief . Everyone is different. But you had more than your fair share in a short time . Condolences don't mean anything and I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel. I know what its like to lose half of yourself when your husband died. The death of your sons I have no words . But you know that they woud want you to live your life the best way you can .

By posting know that you are helping someone who has or going through the same thing. Lot of people read the threads but don't feel strong enough to post . You have shown great courage by posting . I never write what I don't mean because I can forget so always write the same things but I do a good reason I have a rare hereditary neurological condition. Which means I can forget what I am saying in real life and repeat myself and not know I have already said it . So I never lie because I would be caught out. But that's me.
🫂 to you and everyone who needs one.

Whiff your post resonates, I feel grief does not get better and with me it gets worse. Between 2020 and 2023 our beautiful adopted son, my wonderful husband, and my lovely birth son died. They were all expected so grieving starts long before death occurs. I am unable to cry but I have to battle on with a heavy heart. Much love to all you lovely ladies.

Whiff you are a very wise lady a lot of what your saying resonates with me, I cant change how I feel or how im grieving to accomodate others be they family or not i feel like my lifes blood is oozing from the wound when I became half from being whole. I would go through this all again in a heartbeat for the love we had and shared my time with him was worth all this and more, like you I will always be "Mrs," and proud to be. My thoughts are with all those going through the pain of loss xx

In my experience grief never dies but gets worse as the years go by. But love never dies either. Grief is the price we pay for love. I know some here are grieving for children, spouses ,partners and family members.

I would rather grieve everyday for my husband than never have had him in my life. He was and will always be the love of my life and still my husband 22 years on .

I look at the tears that we are still alive and have feelings. The tears are for my husband but its a mix of grief tears and angry tears. I was always prepared to die first but life isn't far but its life. I live everyday for my husband and me . I am doing what he made me promise he was a wise man and we knew he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. He knew what I needed to live without him.

And those who see my name I write the same thing because its how I feel.

I think its better that people can post how they feel because in real life unless someone has and going through bone crushing grief they don't understand and expect you to stop grieving. Plus it gets the thoughts out of your head. Grief hurts physically and mentally. But then again loving someone to your very core does as well.

Never fight your grief let the tears flow and in my case the rage and anger I feel over my husband dieing gets me out of bed and doing all the things I do everyday. I have been told I am wicked feeling this way but we all have to use what helps us . This is my way and not going to change.

Grieve your way and people do disappear out of your life but they aren't worthy of being in your life as they show their true colours and they aren't worth a second thought.

Keep posting how you are feeling and know you are not alone and people understand. Hugs 🫂 to all

There is.
I keep my grief locked in a box in my head.
Sometimes it bangs continually to be let out, sometimes it slithers out on its own.
I have to keep it packed away, out of sight, or it could overwhelm me, and i fear I'd never come back up to the surface again.
It's never, ever gone to sleep - always there.

MissAdventure

Behind your stoic and often amusing comments I've sometimes sensed there's a heavy heart full of grief that you control for the sake of sanity.

Ahh.. it's a beautiful thing, love, when its reciprocated.
I think my gp told me that around three months is the right time to maybe consider counselling, or antidepressants, if it is all still so raw and painful to the extent where you're not coping.

As you say, your family aren't overly supportive; I'm sure that makes a difference, too.

I may well do as my family arent that supportive so limited in conversation, he was and still is a wonderful man i have been so priveledged to have him for my husband to marry him once but he married me twice for our 25th wed anniversary we were inseperable been with him from first night we met. I was 17 went home with him been with him ever since, he was my world always number 1 to me xx

He does sound like a lovely man.

It's clear how very much you loved him.
I used to get angry, really angry, when people asked me if my daughter would want to see me in such a bad way after she died.

Have you thought anymore about counselling, or some sort of group for widows, perhaps?

Of course, i also got angry when people suggested those kinds of things to me, too.
Perhaps you might consider them in the future at some point?

.

He sounded so very special xx

My chest has felt heavy since the day he passed like im carrying a bag of wet sand. His loss is imense to me, if i were troubled he would put his arms around me and make everything go away, and i would feel safe in his arms he was my rock, he was my Mr..Wonderful

I wish i knew the answer to that.
Because you loved him so much, I'd say.
I don't think anyone comes to terms with such a huge loss; it's like having a huge, horrible shaped, almost impossibly heavy stone to carry forward.
I think, eventually, you just learn how to carry the stone so its a tiny bit easier to manage.

Im sat here playing his favourite tunes to him while i weep the many tears poolimg round my ankles , i hurt so very much i doubt i will ever come to terms with it like so many others who have who gone before me, why does love have to hurt so much xxx

I think grieving is an ongoing process. It doesn't have an end date, and years later something can catch us completely unaware.
There are so many layers to it.

My opinion, for what its worth, is that it takes many, many months to even realise that someone is gone.
And with each realisation, the grief floods in all over again.
Keep trudging on, Mystyeyes11

That's enough for now

Its just over 17 weeks now since I lost the love of my life mt DH every day harder than the one before, tears still flowing like an overflowing drain, my eyes sting my chest hurts im still floundering i miss him so very much. I know 57 years is a long time but it wasnt long enough for me. Thinking of all who are going through this right now.

Mistyeyes a lot of what you say resonates with me. I cried every single day for over a year when I lost DH. Your children are wrong if they say you should be over tears.
Thing is many people can’t cope with the tears. They don’t have any answers and don’t know how to help you.
Like you I was with my DH 57 years. We also did everything together. Spent all our time happily with one another. I only had one friend and no outside interests.
Apart from the first week and an odd occasion I try not to cry in front of our children. I know they are hurting too and they can’t help so don’t want to burden them.
Unlike Macaydia I don’t think you can necessarily do it on your own. Certainly only you can help you but I do think we need people to talk to. To be outside of the house and find some interest in other things rather than constantly thinking of how bad things are.
I think a big part of your problem is being housebound and not wanting to talk to people. We need company. We need distraction and spending all your time on your own won’t help you. Counselling isn’t about trying to make you move on or forget. You won’t forget. This grief will be with us forever but counselling of the right kind can help as can antidepressants although I note you don’t want meds.
I do think you need to find something to do outside of your home. You need company otherwise you’ll sit and think all the time.
A lot of how we live with grief is how we try and cope, nothing will ever replace my DH. I miss him every second of the day. I want to be with him again as soon as I can. Life is not the same without him. I’ve cried buckets and felt mad with grief but I’ve made an effort to live. I now have friends and believe me having someone to talk to and meet up with does help. There are many other widows out there who would like someone to chat to. Even is you’re not that sociable you do need to try for your own sake and that of your family.
Trust me I do know that great love. The overwhelming loss but you can manage to live with the sadness and loneliness if you can share some of those feelings with others,
Sending a big hug to you and Macaydia

I do have a pet, a cat Bennie hes 14 now. Always slept downstairs till my DH passed he now fights for DH side of bed. He rubs his head on DH urn saying goodnight its on the hearth when we go to bed its cute like he understands

I too feel priveleged he chose me and spent 57 wonderful years with me, he was and is still a wonderful man, he brought such love and life to me. I spend hours looking at his pics some make me cry some make me smile, some i had enlarged and framed seem alive has his eyes seem to follow me as i cross a room he has a beautiful smile. Im thinking of having gis pic printed on a duvet set as its one way of getting my wonderful man back in bed lol have his face on the pillow too.

Just stay home alone as long as you need to. I couldnt face anyone either. I was in shock and still am, somewhat. I read that people stop asking how you are by month four so that is when they forget about your loss and how you are coping. You have to do this alone. I know you can. I definitely coudnt look at any photos - way too sad - but i have a special beautiful candle I light when I have no words. There are no words.

I am only half a person and dont know how to function. Just figuring stuff out after 5 months.

I am glad my DH is free from pain and I feel privileged that he chose to share his life with me. I am also glad that he doesnt have to go through what I am going through.

Keep posting whenever you want and GN will listen. (I cant do counselors either.)

Wishing you peace in this foreign place you have found yourself in.

Do you have any pets?

I struggle opening up about things i am a very private person and have always kept personal stuff to myself and worked through it with my DH. I havent even spoke about this verbally to anyone. I dont have friends as my life was everything i needed just with my DH and he with me. 2 hearts beating as 1. When the doctor rang yesterday I ended up babbling in floods of tears as she wanted me to go surgery and I didnt want to leave the house , ive spent most of laat 4 years indoors as my DH carer and it has affected my walking ability, lack of confidence it makes going out a stressful position. Since my DH pasaed 13 wks ago i have hardly been out not even once a week i buy online so save the anxiety of going out.My DH and the house have been my whole world and it worked well as my DH was here .Hence speaking verbally to strangers abour my private stuff is too traumatic

Another bad day more and more tears.doctor rang yesterday wanted to see me immediately thought i had a blood clot that could travel to heart and lungs and could prove fatal. It was weird I suddenly felt calm, uplifted like my wish to be with my DHwas being answered, sadly not to be, turns out tobe an ulcer which had caused leg to swell a lot as it was infected. I fell back to earth with a bump then more and more tears right thru the night. I dont want this new life i want my old one back.counselling not for me I get too upset speaking verbally nor do iwant meds they just mmask tge pain when u stop your problem is still there. The seep pain i am feeling is born from thedeep love my DH and I shared why would I ever want to wipe those memories out they were 57 wonderful years. I have to work thru it even though i have no idea where the end of this heartache is going to be. My love for him will far exceed eternity he was a wonderful man i ache to ve with him. Take care thinking off you all on this heartbreaking journey.