Bereavement wipes out everything

Training in bereavement, we were talking about loss, and had to choose something we had lost. I had recently lost an address book ( remember them?) and the object was to illustrate how often, even with the passing of time, the loss can be felt anew. How true it was, and even many years on I can still think of information which would have been in the book!
We also mourn the loss of a perceived future, and reminders of that can pop up at any time too, always accompanied by the background pain others have mentioned.

THE HEAVY STONE.

My grief was a heavy stone, rough and sharp.
Grasping to pick it up my hands were cut.
Afraid to let it go I carried it.
While I had my grief you were not lost.

The rain of my tears smoothed it.
The wind of my rage weathered it,
making it round and small.

The cuts in my hands have healed.
Now in my palm it rests,
sometimes almost beautiful,
sometimes almost you.
Averil Stedeford

Published in The Long Way Down – Poems of Grief and Hope

My thoughts are with everyone here experiencing bereavement.
Some of you have described very well how it feels, particularily thinking of your loved one all the time, even when busy, and briefly thinking of something to say to them, and then remembering.
For me, I feel less resilient in old age and feel things will not improve with time, though I am more positive in public.

I find it helps to do new things and go to new places rather than those I went to with my husband. I continue to do things I previously did on my own.
I still find it hard to go to places we went to together, though just recently I went on a coach trip which included places we had been to many years ago, too long to recall the details, so I did not find that too difficult.
In many ways I am more myself now, rather than part of a couple and there are positive ways of looking at that.
In general I try to find positives rather than negatives, (but there are still too many hours spent at home alone.)

Whiff

I have read your posts previously and have felt the intensity of the affection you still hold for your late husband.

I have been told I am wicked to still feel the rage anger over my husband dieing but I use it in a positive way .

Assuming whoever told you you were 'wicked' did so in an effort to convince you that 'it-wasn't-doing-you-any-good' to hold on to the anger? But you lost your anchor in the prime of life to a horrible disease and if that anger has propelled you to live life on your own terms, giving it meaning and purpose - then you do you and manage your grief in the way that matters to you.

I lost my partner, in old age, last August. I know family and friends assume I'm adjusting to the inevitability of it; they say things like "just be glad you had the kind of relationship that many never experience", or "you have wonderful memories to treasure"... yes, yes - I did have an intense wonderful relationship and I do treasure the memories. But it was so good that I selfishly wanted it to last much longer because that part of me that was part of him, has gone forever and however many years I have left, I will live them as half the person I was. They - family and friends - don't know that I am not 'adjusting' as time passes. Because I know they will not understand, I put on the brave face expected of me now but the reality is that the grief is in some ways more raw; as each day dawns I am acutely aware of what I have lost.

Other posters have said that each person grieves in their own way, they are so right. There's no correct way, there's no 'wrong' way, there's only the way you manage it, and I don't believe we are obliged to make other people feel comfortable around our grief.

You can not prepare for grief...

... so true. Nor can you prepare for the intensity of it.

I have only read the opening post . I have written on other bereavement threads . We knew my husband wouldn't live 5 years when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001. After the cancer and skin graft no one knew apart from the 4 of us he was dieing . In his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking .

I watched my husband dieing bit by bit everyday . We lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. He wanted a normal life and said we where to be as we always where as a family .

When the sword dropped October 2003 he had 6 tumours and was terminal, palliative chemo every 3 weeks . We had to tell people and those who treated him differently he cut out of our life. I had to warn my parents who loved him as a son they couldn't ask how he was nor keep watching or he wouldn't see them . His own mother just said oh.

He was given 4 months to 2 years but we knew it was months . I have written lot on other threads about him dieing . So no point in repeating myself.

Christmas day 2003 was the last meal he ate and we talked about his funeral he just said do want you want . We are atheists so none religious service and no flowers but donations if people wanted . We had just over £5,000 which went to the cancer ward that treated him . But it was to be used on treats for cancer patients. Set a limit of £50 the most anyone could have for a treat. But no one had anything that expensive. Some just wanted a good bottle of spirits,wine , chocolate,electric blanket etc . The ward let me know how far the money went .

Nothing can prepare you for the death of the person you love the most in the world . The other half of you and you his . The only person who knows the real you and you him . My husband wanted to get to his 47th birthday we got him there he died 4 days later at home in our bed with me and our children February 2004 . He was in agony and couldn't breath on full oxygen. I lay by his side and told him to stop struggling and we would be ok he died few minutes later.

The moment he died half of me died to ,our home was just a house . Nothing can prepare you for the bone crushing grief. I was 45 we had been together 29 years and married 22 years. Our children where 20&16.

I foolishly thought I had to be brave for everyone else and held my grief in until I was alone or bedtime I was an idiot . Nothing can prepare you for the grief and the fact it physically and mentally hurts . I cried that much my eyes hurt and had pains in my chest .

The rage and anger over my fit healthy husband dieing has kept me going for 22 years . There is no end to grief you learn to cope . But as the years go by it gets worse as he has missed so much . I was born disabled always prepared to die first . My husband was my everything and still is . No matter how bad I got nothing phased him .

I don't know how parents who have children died cope as I have no experience of that grief . So would never insult them by saying I know how they feel.

Grief like love in my experience never ends . My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises which I have kept everyone. But couldn't do the main one until I moved here nearly 7 years ago and that is to live the best life I can and because of him and my love for him I live my life to the full. But grief is my constant companion. Ever now after 22 years the bone crushing grief can overwhelm me out of the blue.

There is no preparing for grief as everyone experiences it in different ways and goes through the stages at different times .

I have been told I am wicked to still feel the rage and anger over my husband dieing but I use it in a positive way . I talk to my husband everyday and still shout at him for dieing and leaving me. Then I have a good cry and see him with his stupid grin as if to say feel better now and I do .

You can not prepare for grief as there are different grieves in my experience.
Worst grief is the death of a child no matter what age they are .
Grief of a spouse or partner.
Grief over parents dieing
Grief over other family members
Grief of friends
Grief over family pets especially dog or cat . As they are as much family as any human and in some cases better than family .
Grief over loss of health and or ability to do things you used to do .

This is all just my experience and view so no one gets your knickers in a twist . We are all different and have different experiences.

and friends.

I am learning that lesson, Maw. Just today I spent time doing the garden and as I finished up I expected Dh to give me a compliment on my efforts (I’m the gardener, he’s the gopher!) but there was only silence. I also hadn’t realised how much I took note of small things in life in order to tell Dh later eg ‘That big lilac down the road is flowering’ or ‘Such and such is on at the cinema, we must go.’

All the things that no one else would be interested in, there’s no one to tell. Life is a vast cavern of silence now, despite caring and loving family as friends.

I agree Maw. Well put.

I don’t know if this is helpful but I have found losing my life partner like an amputation.
Just as amputees can feel the missing limb, feel “phantom limb pain” I find it hard to believe that he is gone. He features in my dreams as surely as an amputee has both legs or arms in their dreams. I don’t miss him any less, but sometimes I find myself thinking “I must ask…” or “I wonder what …will say”- that nanosecond before the realisation kicks in that I can’t tell him, ask him or share an experience with him
And in the same way I have learned to get along with crutches, limping and slower but getting by as there is no alternative.
Just as an amputee learns to live with their handicap or injury, with one arm or one leg, however well they are managing that limb does not grow back
So we are all different and while I accept that OP intended to bring comfort to those of us who have suffered bereavement, we cannot generalise and say glibly that grief fades, time heals or you can “get over it”.

I think grief affects people differently just as marriages and relationships are different. I know some who have gone on to find new partners. Others whose marriages maybe weren’t as happy as they could be.
I am nearly two years into the loss of the love of my life. DH and I spent all our time together and did everything together by choice for us both not because we had to.
We were together 57 years. I will never find anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. I want my darling man.,
I agree grief changes but I don’t believe it fades. For me, time doesn’t heal, the passing of time makes it worse.
I do not wallow in grief. I go out, meet friends, have fun, laugh. Enjoy times with our family but all the time I am also thinking of my DH. He is in my mind all the time. I believe we will be together again. I have to trust in my faith and believe that or I couldn’t go on. Nothing about me or my life is the same.
Group hug is a lovely idea. 💕

Very complex emotions, my granddaughter’s daddy died at Christmas from cancer.She’s 14.She didn’t cry and kept saying that she was fine.This worried me.She has cried since and has her memory box.We talk about him and his name crops up so often,sometimes jokey things,or comments about how his football team is doing etc..it’s natural and easy.

As MawsRosie said everyone grieves differently. My DH died in 2022; we had been married for 56 years. I loved him to distraction, and it was reciprocated, and though I did shed tears in the early months, after that, I couldn’t cry (I’m not by nature an emotional person), and I somehow felt guilty, as if I was shortchanging him. I would go to our favourite places and try and get a sense of him there so that it would trigger something, but - nothing. So I gave up the pilgrimages and let things take their course. No tears. Ok. But in fact, they were never far from the surface and the triggers were weird. I got rid of most of his stuff and yes it was hard, but not gut wrenching. A job that had to be done. Then I went to throw his battered old walking boots away and was suddenly a wreck, clinging to them, out by the bin, sobbing my heart out. A photo I took of both our shadows, side by side on a path made me weep, and on holiday with the family in 2023 where the coast path ran past our cottage, I was sitting in the garden and a couple about the same age as us walked past hand in hand and looked at me and smiled. I suddenly saw us instead of them and was inconsolable.

The worst thing his death did to me was to completely sap my confidence. We were always joined at the hip, and it’s taking me a long time to find the bit of ‘us’ that was ‘me’ while still keeping the ‘us’ which I never ever want to lose. It’s a painfully slow process. I feel as if I’m in calmer waters these days, but still get the heavy weight in my chest for no fathomable reason and have to ride it out, as we all do who find ourselves on this hard, endless road.

I think it's fair to say one never gets over auch a great loss.

I imagined the death of my daughter would be horrifically sad, but it is so, so much more than that - so many, many sadnesses, all bound up in relentless yearning just to be be able to see them again.

I'm really sorry, please accept my condolences.

My beautiful daughter died just before last Christmas, aged 39. She left behind her partner and her daughter aged 6. I am truly devastated and her loss has overwhelmed me in a way I could never have imagined. It just hurts so much.

I am constantly thinking about all the things she is missing out on, especially where my granddaughter is concerned. It's just so unfair.

I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

Thank you for bringing this up. My beloved daughter died last year aged 46. She left a beautiful girl then 8 now 9. She moved to be looked after by her Dad only a train ride away but big city life in comparison to rural village. The waves of sadness, anger yes anger wash over me regularly and guilt. Why didn't I do more, why didn't I call that day...on and on it goes but I have to say I have an amazing family and friends circle so never feel isolated although I am lonely living on my own. Anyway I make the most of seeing my grandaughter as often as possible and my other children/grandaughters too. I'm lucky I have that ..my heart reaches out to those who don't. Sending love and hugs 🫂

The experiences here are so raw - thank you to those who have been brave enough to talk about them. You are extraordinary people.

I am so sorry that some of you have grief complicated by the circumstances* and of course to lose is a child is the worst thing anyone can imagine. I came across a piece last night (a podcast with a script you can read) of two people who lost their adult daughter suddenly two years ago. I’ll put a link here, in case anyone would like to see it. www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/2026/05/david-frum-show-danielle-crittenden-losing-a-child/687075/

*My grief is compounded by the knowledge that my husband died prematurely - an ‘unnatural death’ as it is classified. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Sending love to all of you who have, and still are, grieving.

I will join in the group hug. Hugs to all here.

Luckygirl3 Thank-you so much for your kind and very thoughtful reply. It meant a lot to me. I have lost various family members but the grief of losing someone who took their own life is beyond any other grief I have gone through.

It is nearly 2:00 p.m. on Thursday and this is the first time I've seen this post. I had a reminder of grief today at losing two of my four children. Totally different circumstances with each and this happened nearly 50 years ago with the first and nearly 13 years later I lost the second.

We were having a discussion on the number of children we have. I know it's painful to discuss both losses but it's part of my life history. They were/are an important part of me.

My sister died 35 years ago following a road accident. Even now, somethings can still catch me unawares and make me tearful.

I look at my grandchildren and feel the loss to them and to her thay they never knew each other.

My heart goes out to all those who have lost a child, whatever their age. I can imagine only the edge of the grief they must have felt, and still feel.

The pain of having to continue to function and 'live life' is unimaginable.

My goodness - so many of us grieving in our own way. F G T 2 I too feel that ‘ chest heavy as tho weighted down by wet sand’ since my dear husband lost his fight with cancer. I actually thought I was going to die with such terrible pain in my chest. Sending my love to you all x

MooM00

I know the exact feeling of grief.
My husband took his own life 3 years ago at the age of 69. I grieve every day and consistently ask the big question WHY which can never be answered. I am riddled of guilt of not recognising any sign. What did i miss. Or thinking what I said or didn't say or should have said.

I just wanted to say that in my professional life I talked to a number of people in your situation and you do need to know that someone who has decided that their life needs to come to an end gives no sign - there is nothing that you missed I am sure. If he had determined to do this then there would have been nothing you could have said or done and he would have made sure that you did not know.

There is always guilt when someone dies, but the taking of one's own life amplifies that for the loved ones and my heart goes out to you.

I posted earlier but the gransnet gremlins disappeared it.

My husband died in 2022, six months after a stage four diagnosis. Like others have said, there was an element of relief his suffering was over but such an enormous weight of grief and loss. I’m finding it’s less raw but is now simply part of me. I’m living as well as I can. Blessed with family and friends, my dogs, living in our famiky home. I keep up as best I can with friends but socialise less
I thought I knew a bit about bereavement, lost parents, close friends and more but the loss of my husband has taught me I knew nothing