Bereavement counselling

A GP who I'd never met rang me after my Dh had passed away to say there was a bereavement counsellor at the surgery who did group therapy sessions. I live near a small village where everybody seems to know all about everyone. Even if you could rely on the counsellor to keep confidences there was no way I could talk about personal things in front of strangers who might go off and gossip.

grandMattie your grief must have floored you at times dear lady. 💐

I had the double whammy of our son dying very suddenly and unexpectedly, then almost immediately after, nursing my husband through terminal cancer.
I haven’t been offered counselling, until very recently, but don’t think it would be helpful. I think I’ve worked through my grief on my own and accepted the wretched situation…
I’m sure it can help a lot of people, but not for me.

Yes I miss my normal life. Today I had lunch with some friends and coming home would have told DH about it. And then realise he has gone and will never come back. I want to go back 10 years.

I will contact the hospice and Cruse have replied to my email with the name of someone who will ring me. So I am on the pathway.

Thank you for the lovely quotations. The "not joined at the hip but joined at the heart" was a tear jerker. How very true.

HelterSkelter1

At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

When you're out, you see activity and hear people talking, laughing - you're absorbing normal life. Returning, you open the door, and there's just stillness, everything in the house is just as you left it, quiet and empty. And I think this can have the same impact, almost - as the shock of a sudden loud noise. It hits you in the same way.

HelterSkelter1 - I am sorry for your loss. As a psychotherapist who worked voluntarily on the bereavement counselling team in a London Hospice for several years, I urge you to hold on for the hospice bereavement counsellor because that person will be properly trained and allow you to explore your grief. After the trauma of losing a loved one, it takes about 12 weeks before anything like a 'normal' routine/life can even begin to appear and that's why that length of time is used as a loose benchmark but some people show more than stress at that point and really do need the support whereas others have found a way to manage, and ultimately there is no one way to cope with grief that works for everyone. So, please call the hospice again. As others have mentioned CRUSE is another possibility, and the Loss Foundation yet another. I hope you start your bereavement therapy soon.

And yet I’m not sure a group session would’ve been right for me. I was so subsumed by my own grief that listening to others crying won’t have been what I needed at that time.

But once again one size doesn’t fit all.

HelterSkelter1
That you aren't sure would suggest you would probably benefit from some sessions or time at a group for anyone having experience of bereavement.

Wise words FGT2 at 09:59

...the awful reality just slams into you that he really is just GONE.

I still experience that, and it's been almost 14 months since I lost my OH.

But I think you are right, it might be a well-worn phrase - but time does heal, hopefully, for most of us. I think what the passing of time does, is slightly smooth out the sharp corners of grief which then allows you to slowly accept the new reality.

Having had a lot of grief counselling after my partner died young 17 years ago, tbh, I regret it.
I feel now it held me in the state of grief rather than looking forward or just accepting things.
I have had that therapy and also psychological therapy since. I can see in some ways it was useful - someone outside your immediate family who you can say anything to if you need to. But, honestly, I think I would have been better taking my dog on a pilgrimage, out in the open and physically good.
In hindsight, rumination is usually not good for us. I think we do it too much.

A friend who was widowed 7 years ago (she’s my age now 72). said “we weren’t joined at the hip but at the heart.” Sweet.

Helterskelter said At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

I hear you, Helterskelter, you sum it up exactly. I do have two cats who are company but it’s the emptiness. I’ve come to understand that so much of the life I had was about wanting to do things for others. For example was never my favourite task but I wanted to do it for my Dh. Not in a subservient 1950’s way but because I wanted him be happy, the same as he did things to make me happy. Now, I’d happily live on food pills if there was such a thing. I can’t see the point in cooking for myself.

I liked to do the garden so we could share the rewards together, plan holidays that we both enjoyed, create a Christmas that was memorable etc. I feel like I’m living in a vacuum now, I suppose. It’s not that we were never apart, his job meant we spent weeks and sometimes months apart, but then, I always had a child or two at home. It’s a bit If a tree falls in a forest I guess.

Someone who I have considered wise gave me something to think about crying, so if I wanted to that’s what I did. I didn’t think I needed counselling. I did read a lot of things about grief for a while until one day I felt it was making me feel worse.
Things slowly got better and it’s now not far off eleven years. Late summer early autumn two years ago I found myself plunged into fresh grief at my loss. I had no idea where it came from. I got over it and although I’ve always known he is gone forever it’s only this year following that I’ve been spending money to have things done that we would have done together I really know he is never coming back. He won’t see what I have had done and I that is how it will be and that he would be proud of me for getting on with stuff.

It’s being part of a group isn’t it that no one wants to join and it’s all so incredibly sorrowful. Some days (hours only at the beginning) are easier than others - then BAM! - the awful reality just slams into you that he really is just GONE.

That’s why I described it as beyond devastating.

And yet as individuals we are all so different. Some of us cope better than others at this unwelcome stage in life. Some of us need more support and TLC. There’s no right or ‘wrong’ way to deal with grief.

Take my sister in Spain for example. She’s a strong cookie. Her husband died only 5 weeks ago after a leg amputation this summer. He was older than her at 82. She will be 70 in January.

When Himself died 8 months ago she was very surprised I was going to counselling sessions. “Just get on with it sis” she said “you don’t need a professional counsellor!”.

I explained my thought processes were that it could do no harm to sit and cry for an hour, oversharing with a stranger, as if I dint feel it was helping I could stop any time (or even request a different counsellor - they don’t take it personally apparently if the fit isn’t there!). “Fair enough” was her reply.

And so far she’s pretty much doing absolutely fine. She has no children, so no grandchildren, but a dog to take out for walks in the fresh air along the beach who relies on her. She’s coping. She has one or two neighbours who care but she’s more of a self contained person, likes her solitude, doesn’t feel the need to socialise (we are so different!) and accepts her grief as something she herself will work through and ‘come to terms with, just like mum had to at 45y sis. There was no such thing as counselling back then.’

All I’m saying in my less than succinct way, is that we acknowledge our own strengths and weaknesses and do what is right for US.

It’s very early days for you HelterSkelter and I feel for you. Time really does heal. These sayings become cliches because they’ve stood the test of time. Hang on in there. One day your grief will smooth (a little) and tgat way you will, with baby steps, discover acceptance. That’s your turning point.

* the person we anchored our lives around*

That resonates with me. I felt at sea, lost riding the waves without knowing where I was going. I didn’t feel able to say that to our adult children who were grieving whilst supporting our grief stricken grandchildren.
Gransnet can be such a good place to reflect and support each other

Good Morning HelterSkelter1 .

What a thoughtful post Iam64. I too agree with FGT, and you - the grief can be beyond devastating.

We - all posting here - have lost the person we anchored our lives around, so we've lost part of ourselves too.

I’m sorry for your loss HelterSkelter. I agree with FGTs statement “beyond devastating”. Like many of us here, I’d become a carer along with being a loving wife. I had experienced bereavement but nothing prepared me for the reality.
My GP offered sessions with their mental health worker. I decided to see a therapist privately. I found the sessions helped me to process some grief and trauma. To have a safe space to weep and talk about it, without feeling the need to support others.

We respond individually to this loss. My experience is that gradually, the grief has become less overwhelming. I don’t weep every time I talk about him. I’m grateful for the life and love we shared. I miss him, especially miss laughing together, long walks, pub lunches, the ordinary happy things in life. I do know I’ve been lucky
Look after yourself HelterSkelter, grief can lower our resilience x

I am glad to hear that about Cruse Lucky girl. I can only speak from my own experience and perhaps that was the dreadful COVID effect.
Cruse began in the 1950s and I know my mother went to them for support . Activities were arranged for us DC while our mothers were given space to share their experiences.

There was a monthly newsletter with lots of household tips for feeding the family cheaply.

Your local church or synagogue might have a bereavement group. Also, look up Grief Cafes.

I had bereavement counselling from my local hospice. I was offered a choice of phone or face to face counselling. My son was not being treated by them, but I found the details after searching for bereavement counselling. I am currently attending a bereavement group. It has all been very helpful.
They also have "drop in points" with informal get togethers for the bereaved. I think most hospices offer counselling.

Cruse and Sue Ryder offer counselling. The Compassionate Friends help those who have lost a child. Sue Ryder has an online forum.

HelterSkelter1, I also found the Sue Ryder website very helpful.

Thank you everyone. I agree FGT until it happens you have no idea how devastating it is. A rollercoaster of emotions.

At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

This afternoon I have been reading the Sue Ryder website information. So helpful. And time after time it was exactly how I am feeling. I will carry on and see what actual support they offer.
I also put my contact details on the Cruse website.
I hope the hospice contacts me soon. If not I will contact them.

I also have a membership with Benenden Health so I will see what they offer as well.

I am not going to rush as it is still early days. I will choose what sounds the best for me and probably will have a wait.

I do not think that CRUSE is widows supporting each other. There are trained counsellors and that came through loud and clear with the man I was speaking to.

DH died during COVID so nobody to see face to face. I tried Cruse but I am sorry to say it wasn't for me. A crackling phoneline. I couldn't hear her and when I did it seemed she was in a worse state than I was. It's widows supporting eachother.

My friends, family and Gransnet have been my best support.

So sorry for you. It's hard.

The MacMillan nurse rang me a few days after Himself died suggesting I might wish to try some counselling sessions ‘in view of the last awful ten months’. I said I’d think about it.

A few weeks on, after I’d dealt with the ‘sadmin’ I thought why not? Give it a go and if I don’t find it helping just say thank you for your time and move on.

Long story short I attended for eight 1-1 sessions. One hour. I cried so much those first 3 but I felt lighter afterwards. My chest had felt so heavy, as though full of wet sand.

I shared so much with my counsellor. He listened, passed me tissues, helped me to explore my fears, memories and feelings.

Whatever you decide OP I’m sorry for your loss. It’s beyond devastating isn’t it? Until it happened to me I had no real idea. My best wishes to you going forward.