Bereavement counselling

My sympathies to all the newly bereaved here. I feel this thread, and others on the bereavement pages, are so helpful. Everyone is kind and often post things that resonate with me.

It would be good to keep this thread going as suggested by Fried Green Tomatoes.
I also agree with FGT about playing music. That always makes me cry.

I've mentioned before how Gransnet has helped me face widowhood. It's four years now, and I shall always grieve for DH and the life we had. I shed tears often, but they become tears of thankfulness. I am still the person I became through being married to DH.
You, the army of widows, have been my bereavement counsellors.

This thread is one of those best of gransnet things. It feels like a small support group, so many shared experiences, feelings and knowing we are not walking this path alone. It’s a grief that can feel isolating yet here we are, together

FriedGreenTomatoes2

You are definitely not alone Dickens we could keep this thread going awhile perhaps as some small support group perhaps?

What do others think?

I think it's already happening, quite organically FGT

I hope others are finding it as cathartic as I am.

... and your input is very consoling, I know what you've been through.

HelterSkelter1

The one "blessing" I am able to count is that DH died first. He was ill and frail and had I died first he would not have survived going into any sort of care even temporarily.

Oh my goodness, of course. I was in the same situation and feel as you do.

I'm glad you made the OP, and that you've now had a response from Cruse, it's only a small step, but it might lead you to being able to talk-through how you feel in a way that allows the devastation to be less sharp. It really is though very early days for you at the moment.

You are definitely not alone Dickens we could keep this thread going awhile perhaps as some small support group perhaps?

What do others think?

Luckygirl3

It is not self- centred Dickens to want those blessings back .... who wouldn't? It is normal. I am thankful that none of my family or friends have ever told me to count my blessings ... I could not guarantee a polite reply!
We are all carrying this unseen but unremitting pain but be assured there are many here who do understand.

Thank you Luckygirl3

Family don't actually use that phrase - they couch their 'advice' in more sensitive ways, but that's what they mean.

But it's the loss of those 'blessings' that make it so hard to bear isn't it...

I can't help feeling that I'm self-centred tho' sometimes. When I realise that others have maybe lost an adult child as well as their OH, or other much-loved family members. No parent should have to bury their child, it's heart-breaking.

We are all carrying this unseen but unremitting pain but be assured there are many here who do understand.

Yes, and knowing that, the silent understanding, is hugely calming - I'm not walking the path alone.

The one "blessing" I am able to count is that DH died first. He was ill and frail and had I died first he would not have survived going into any sort of care even temporarily.

So my DDs, one who is disabled herself , would have had the same situation as did I with my parents. Mum first then Dad 6 months later. The burden would fall on my younger DDs shoulders..
I am hoping to last a good while longer and to get everything inc finances all neat and tidy. That is something which is occupying me greatly. Or bigly as Trump would say.

Thank you for everyone's replies to my OP. It has been helpful and a comforr.

It is not self- centred Dickens to want those blessings back .... who wouldn't? It is normal. I am thankful that none of my family or friends have ever told me to count my blessings ... I could not guarantee a polite reply!
We are all carrying this unseen but unremitting pain but be assured there are many here who do understand.

Iam64

Thanks Dickens and FGT, it’s a comfort to hear your comments that resonate strongly with me.

I remember the gradual realisation that grief would always walk with me, so acknowledging that and deciding to befriend rather than try and banish it seemed worth a try. Counting blessings, remembering the love and fun we shared became easier. This year hasn’t been tough with big stuff, especially health related for me and my loved ones. I’ve.been the calm, go to one but recently the recognition that I miss the person I was before my husband died has been clear.

I remember the gradual realisation that grief would always walk with me, so acknowledging that and deciding to befriend rather than try and banish it seemed worth a try.

That's one thing I've never considered, thanks Iam - I suppose that's a kind of 'acceptance' - knowing that the grief will never go away.

Family - and friends - tell me, kindly not reproachfully, to 'count my blessings'... and I do. But, sometimes, that makes it even worse, because I want those 'blessings' back. It's very self-centred I realise, but there are occasions when the reality is too much to deal with.

What does help, is knowing that others are going through the same process, so many of us walking the same path.

Good point Luckygirl

I rarely listen to women’s hour these days. I often feel the programme stops being interested in women post menopause.

I sometimes think that in general people really have no concept of what it is like to be elderly and widowed - the norm of the woman left behind in their latter years is so common that it goes by unnoticed.

The pain is not always recognised. And it is pain - and it does not go away - we learn to live with it, but the absence of that soulmate is always a black hole. And people expect us to adapt and just bash on .... which somehow we do.

Thanks Dickens and FGT, it’s a comfort to hear your comments that resonate strongly with me.

I remember the gradual realisation that grief would always walk with me, so acknowledging that and deciding to befriend rather than try and banish it seemed worth a try. Counting blessings, remembering the love and fun we shared became easier. This year hasn’t been tough with big stuff, especially health related for me and my loved ones. I’ve.been the calm, go to one but recently the recognition that I miss the person I was before my husband died has been clear.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. I had grief counselling at one time and it was helpful in having somewhere to unload and reflect. It didn't help with the loss itself as no amount of counselling was going to bring the person back, but at least I did have somewhere to unload and think out loud. I think that's what I needed more than anything.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Well expressed Dickens. It’s that knowledge that what we had was so bluddy wonderful. Not every couple is so blessed. I do look back over the 53 years we had together with abject gratitude and told my counsellor that thinking of my loss in that way made me realise how lucky I had been. He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years and the loss of his support and love. As he said, that’s the flip side. The inevitable trade off.

... "He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years"...

Yes, this - you begin to understand that you will never be the same person again, you have not only lost your beloved OH, you've also lost the person you were with him.

I remember your many previous comments, some quite amusing, on Himself's 'observations' - on the news, or on a TV programme, etc. He was so woven into your existence.

I think this is what is so hard to deal with, it's so unfamiliar.

Well expressed Dickens. It’s that knowledge that what we had was so bluddy wonderful. Not every couple is so blessed. I do look back over the 53 years we had together with abject gratitude and told my counsellor that thinking of my loss in that way made me realise how lucky I had been. He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years and the loss of his support and love. As he said, that’s the flip side. The inevitable trade off.

langelei

I had been weeping, sobbing my heart out, absolutely distraught most of the day when l finally picked up my iPad and saw today’s post. Oh how it all resonated with me. My darling husband died eight weeks ago and l have been struggling with the brutality of his devastating loss totally every day since. Reading all the responses gave me a degree of comfort knowing others were/have been going through exactly what I was now doing. My condolences, love and hugs go out to you all. x

langelei, early days for you, I'm so sorry to read your post. Many of us have been where you are now when the grief is so raw. You're not alone.

There are few words that comfort, this is a journey the heart makes alone, but the adjustment to your new reality does come, very slowly. The first time I understood this is when I realised that the reason for feeling so devastated was because I'd had the kind of relationship that perhaps so many never experience, and this is the price we pay for it.

My condolences to you.

GN at its best langelei.
Sorry for your own loss. 💐 and a virtual hug x

I had been weeping, sobbing my heart out, absolutely distraught most of the day when l finally picked up my iPad and saw today’s post. Oh how it all resonated with me. My darling husband died eight weeks ago and l have been struggling with the brutality of his devastating loss totally every day since. Reading all the responses gave me a degree of comfort knowing others were/have been going through exactly what I was now doing. My condolences, love and hugs go out to you all. x

I hope you reported that, Luckygirl. That’s a terrible breach of confidence.

Whatever gets you through, FGT.

I had my first session today. The counsellor was lovely and I feel 100% that she will be a safe space for me so I am seeing her again next week.

HelterSkelter im so sorry for your loss.
I think we all approach grief differently depending on what sort of person we are, what our relationship with our loved one was like. With counselling I think it’s the same. Some think it’s of great benefit other no help at all. I think a lot depends on the counsellor you get.
I went with Cruse as the waiting list for the hospice was so long. When they first rang to say they had someone I could talk to i said i thought i was probably doing alright on my own and I would leave it. A few weeks later i changed my mind and contacted them. I’m glad I did as the person I spoke to definitely helped me.
There are phrases I hate. Well meaning I know but ‘new normal’ drives me mad. There is nothing ‘normal’ about my life now. Time changes things but I do not ‘accept’ I live with what I have to.
Keeping distracted helped me and I’ve made some lovely and kind friends but nothing makes up for missing the person I spent 57 loving years with.
I don’t know if it will help you or not but I talk to my DH all the time and when I come home I say out loud we’re back because I carry him with me all the time so when I come home he comes with me. Sorry that probably sounds quite mad but it helps me. Take care.💕

One thing my lovely counsellor said was “if you want to cry, play music. If you don’t, don’t”. Very true especially in the early days. Music is a very powerful emotional medium.

And scent of course. One day I had a medical appointment and I was feeling apprehensive so I spritzed some of Himself’s aftershave on my wrists to feel he was near.

Anything that gets you through the worst of times to guide you towards acceptance.

As I said upthread, time heals (some).

I believe the key to benefitting from therapy is the therapeutic relationship. Trust in the therapist is essential for the ‘client’ to feel safe enough to share the extent of feelings, to feel heard, understood, not judged. I can’t imagine the distress caused if the person in therapy discovers neighbours are aware s/he had seen and opened their heart to a therapist, there must be anxiety that the confidentiality had been destroyed.
I feel fortunate in being confident the therapist who helped me understands+the significance of confidentiality

knspol ... I was interested in your reply .... I live in a rural area and understand your feeling.
I must be clear that properly trained and supervised counsellors can absolutely be trusted when it comes to confidentiality and do a wonderful job.
But I did have my fingers burned initially. The hospice offered me bereavement counselling and I agreed for this to be with the supervised trainee counsellor who was offered.
At some point I was chatting with a neighbour who indicated in passing that she knew I had seen this person. I am not sure how she knew as the hospice is a distance away and I have no reason to think the content of our conversation had been repeated. But it was clearly unacceptable thst she should know this.
It was at this point that I turned to CRUSE who were very helpful.

I have used bereavement counselling twice and found it very useful. The first instance was in 2013 when i lost one of my sisters aged 59 in 2013 to cancer . It was my local hospice and they were very good.
The second was in 2023 when i had lost both my mum and my other sister within a year. I was totally bereft and though my husband was his usual lovely supportive self i needed someone else to talk to so i went through the counsellors register and found a wonderful lady local to me .