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Bereavement

How do I do this?

(20 Posts)
NannaDeb58 Wed 08-Jul-20 20:03:50

My husband died on 20th June following a short illness. He was 72. We buried him yesterday. I just don’t know how to go on. I’m totally broken. We have four wonderful adult children but I want to be with my Frank. I just don’t see any point to anything and have never felt pain like this before. We met when I was 20 and he was 30. A whole lifetime of pure love and he made me laugh every day. Now he’s gone. I am popping diazepam to try to just sleep but feel even worse and can’t stop crying. I’m torturing myself watching videos of us. I can’t live by myself. I have no future without him

Oopsminty Wed 08-Jul-20 20:11:46

So terribly sad to read this, NannaDeb58

It's still so very raw, it's been no time at all

What you're going through is 'normal'. Grieving takes all forms and we work through it as best we can

Time heals, we are told.

I can't help with any good advice but I send heartfelt wishes to you

Bluebellwould Wed 08-Jul-20 20:14:10

Oh my dear, I have been where you are now and I am so sorry you are feeling like this. There is nothing anyone can say that will take away your grief or make you feel any different at the moment. You can only put one foot in front of the other very slowly and just remember your children need you. I have 3 children and it was only the thought of them that kept me going. To start with it was get through the next hour, then after a while the next day and this expands in an ongoing manner. You are in very early days yet so please give yourself time. I am sure your beloved husband would want you to carry on, loving and being loved by your children. There are a lot of people on here who will be able to offer words of comfort. I hope we can help you.💐

Luckygirl Wed 08-Jul-20 20:23:01

NannaDeb58 - this was me in February. I understand what you mean about the pain; and I know that 5 months ago I thought there would be no way of functioning at all ever again.

But you will - just not quite yet.

Don't torture yourself with the videos just yet - one day you will be strong enough to watch them and feel uplifted by them - but just now they will only bring pain.

116123 - this is the Samaritans' number. There were times in the first few weeks when I was scared that I would never stop crying, but on several occasions I rang them and they just listened sympathetically and calmed me down. They were a great blessing.

Do not expect too much of yourself; and maybe not too many diazepam - talk with your GP about it.

There is also an online chat room called WayUp where every member has been widowed and they are very supportive. There are people on there who are at different stages, but all have been where you are now.

I have found these external organisations a real help. I was and am aware of my DDs' grief and talking to someone outside of the the family meant I could get the support I needed without increasing their concern.

It does take time to get over the funeral - I went through the whole thing with my brain and emotions switched off - it was the only way. But in the days that followed I did find it hard, as you are now.

Do feel free to pm me if it would help.

flowers and a virtual hug.

MawB Wed 08-Jul-20 20:26:19

Dear NannaDeb my sincerest sympathy.
Nothing I can say or do can take this pain away but I do know what you are facing, as I lost my darling DH. 2 1/2 years ago, aged 70
There is no loss like the loss of your life’s partner, but all I can say is you will somehow find the strength to go on and although you may never feel “whole” again, life can still be worth living.
I still have days when I weep all day and fully expect to have more.
You may find bereavement counselling helpful but it is still too early. Do not let anybody tell you you need to “get over” anything, but if you can spend a little time each day with someone you are close to, whether friend or family, it can help.
Some people find walking in the countryside therapeutic, others gardening nor tidying, but whatever, do not force yourself. You will know when the time is right and you feel strong enough to face the world. Feel free to pm if you wish or to unburden yourself here, there are many who have been where you are now
I found these words helpful
“To live in the hearts of those we leave behind,
Is not to die”
flowers

CanadianGran Wed 08-Jul-20 21:15:59

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Others here have good advice. One step, one hour, one day at a time. Allow yourself to lean on others for support. flowers

OceanMama Wed 08-Jul-20 23:56:13

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Such a long and close relationship. What a lovely thing to have had in your life. These early days are tough and that hole will always be there. It is true though that it does get softer over time. In the early days of significant loss, just doing whatever you need to do in the moment is the best thing. Nap, watch tv, just whatever you need. I hope your children are staying close at this time. flowers

maddyone Thu 09-Jul-20 00:19:38

NannaDeb
I’m so sorry for your loss flowers

welbeck Thu 09-Jul-20 02:56:14

if you had gone first, how would you want him to carry on;
now try to care for yourself, in honour of his love for you.

annep1 Thu 09-Jul-20 04:31:20

So sorry Nannadebs. I'm afraid I don't feel qualified to offer advice apart from time helps and how would your husband want you to be. flowers

Luckygirl Thu 09-Jul-20 08:33:01

Good morning NannaDeb58 - I hope you have managed to get some sleep. Thinking of you today. Take care. x

25Avalon Thu 09-Jul-20 09:03:07

Deepest sympathies. As you are finding so many people on here have experienced terrible loss. I lost not a husband but a son and I know how unbearable grief can be. You will never get over the loss of your husband but you will learn slowly how to cope with it. You feel as if you will never smile, eat or sleep again but very very gradually you will. Do not hide from your family - they are grieving too and together you can help each other. They need you too.
Everyone on here sends you love and hugs. You are not alone. xx

Furret Thu 09-Jul-20 09:08:31

NannaDeb I am so sorry. I too have personal experience of terrible loss and all I can offer is a hug. It hurts. Physically too. Again so sorry 💐

lovebeigecardigans1955 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:19:36

Oh NannaDeb I feel for you. Widowhood is a lonely road which some of us must travel. It's still raw for you but I assure you that time, while it may not heal, will knock off the roughness a bit.
It's very early days so just try to get through them as best you can with a simple routine. Try to remember the good times - I'm sure there were many. You will get through this. It's been nearly ten years for me and many of us on here have been through this. Be kind to yourself. [flowers[

choughdancer Thu 09-Jul-20 10:31:47

My heart goes out to you @NannaDeb at this incredibly painful time. I agree with the others here; just take one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

Puzzler61 Thu 09-Jul-20 10:39:17

Dear NannaDeb your pain is so raw and new at the moment and I am so sorry.
Others on gransnet can give you their sage advice, and all of us are here for listening and support.
One day at a time. Big Hug.

glammanana Thu 09-Jul-20 10:58:54

Nanadeb How I feel for you I lost my darling husband exactly 7 months ago today which meant I had the pain of loosing him and then straight into isolation because of this horrible virus the worst time of my life.
We also had a long and wonderful marriage with 3 adult children who he adored and they have been a godsend to me.
You will slowly be able to face the future but take it one day at a time and cry as much as you like I still do that now the tears just appear from no where.
Please stay in touch with us here you have done so well just posting what you have at this very difficult time. flowers

Witzend Thu 09-Jul-20 11:07:11

I’m so sorry, @NannaDeb58, it must be so incredibly hard for you.
I can only send the most heartfelt sympathy. 💐 xx

Tangerine Thu 09-Jul-20 11:09:55

I have been in your position.

It's a slow process.

Although I did not use it or feel any need for it, I have heard that Cruse bereavement counselling is very good.

I hope you have good friends to help you too. It is true they won't totally understand but, if they are fond of you, they will try their best.

hondagirl Fri 10-Jul-20 03:19:52

I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is very new and I know the feeling having lost DH last year. I couldn't even leave my house for at least 6 weeks. Don't try to suppress it, you should cry as much as you want as this is something you need to work through. I know people say it will get better, but this is so hard to understand at the moment. Don't think about the future too much, just take it one day at a time. A friend told me about something called achievement analysis, whereby I would think about what I had achieved at the end of each day. This can be something as simple as being able to get out of bed, have a wash and get dressed. Thinking about what DH would have wanted was very helpful too. He had terminal cancer and was always worried about the effects his going would have on me and the DC. I knew I had to be OK for him because he couldn't be. He used to do all the cooking and made me promise to cook a nutritional meal for myself every day and I did manage most of the time, although it was very hard. You also need to be very kind to yourself and allow yourself some treats, just small things, such as a nice bath with lovely products, a favourite bar of chocolate, whatever helps. As for videos, it took me a year before I could face watching them. Your grief will never go away. I think of it as a suitcase which you will always carry round with you, some days it will be very heavy, but some days in the future it will start to feel lighter.