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Last chance at life!

(45 Posts)
Bean123 Sun 09-Oct-16 23:02:33

I've decided to write a "blog" about my experiences of starting a new life at 57. I am currently at a crossroad in my life in deciding whether to leave an unhappy marriage or not. I'll keep you posted on the ups and downs relating to my decision.

Envious Mon 10-Oct-16 03:54:46

Such a good idea. It might just help with your decisions to see them written down. I wish you well. flowers

Martha350 Mon 10-Oct-16 04:58:22

Sounds as though we are in exactly the same place Bean - I'll be following you with interest

nanaK54 Mon 10-Oct-16 07:33:52

Wishing you well

niknoko Mon 10-Oct-16 15:14:57

I too know where your'e coming from Bean, I do love my husband but feel so alone he is completely fine with our relationship or at least says he is, but as an emotional invalid unable to discuss his feelings it's always hard to tell. We have been together over thirty years,have five children between us but it is only now that we are just us mostly I realise there is a huge void between us.

Penstemmon Mon 10-Oct-16 15:47:52

Trying to work out new phases of life can be so tough!
Personally I like change and dislike routine and I am always anxious that now we both work fewer hours and are semi-retired we can 'waste' the days we do not work..but on the other hand I do not want us to get in a rut of committing to weekly activities just to fill the time!
Being in the same space more often with someone brings things into sharp relief too and it sometimes takes effort not to keep getting annoyed by the petty things. I am developing the art of sowing the seeds of ideas for my partner to do so he thinks a) he is being extremely helpful/useful & b)that they were really his ideas in the first place!
He finds the idea of not working v.difficult as in many ways it is how he defines himself. Also , whist he is often gregarious and when my friends meet him they say how friendly he is, he actually finds making new friends quite hard and would no more think of joining a 'new' group of any sort unless he already knew someone there than he would think of flying to the moon!

What I am trying to say is it is hard work sharing your life with someone .... even if you love them v. much grin

Bean123 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:31:48

It's so hard when they don't communicate. Gets very lonely for us doesn't it.

Bean123 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:36:32

So tonight as usual he's been watching his mundane sci fi programmes and I've been on Facebook and gransnet looking for stimulating conversation. Trying hard to find reasons to stay but still can't find many. I might (if I'm lucky ) have another 20 years of this previous life. Shall I stay or shall I go??? Going to stay with sister over weekend. Time to think.

Bean123 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:43:52

Sorry that should say precious not previous!

seacliff Thu 13-Oct-16 22:22:46

Will be watching with interest.

janeainsworth Thu 13-Oct-16 22:44:46

What would your OH say if you booked a table at a nice restaurant, dressed as if you were going on a date with someone new, and plied him with stimulating conversation Bean?

Bean123 Thu 13-Oct-16 23:06:39

This is my second marriage. I was so determined to make it work. As with any new relationship things were good at the start. I had gone through many years alone bringing up my children and trawling through quite a few doomed relationships before finding what I then believed to be Mr Right. I had always put my childrens welfare first but now they were grown up and independent. Even at the beginning though I wasn't sure about our relationship. He was very posessive with me and could be a bit rude to my family but I hoped this would pass and felt I was doing the right thing in marrying. I wanted stability. 12 years later the rudeness hasn't changed. He has isolated me from my family and friends which breaks my heart. He has a lot of good traits but the bad ones outweigh the good. I'm no angel and I'm sure he is as miserable as what to do. We have a mortgage on a house together with only another 5 years to pay. Will only get about £15000 each of its sold now so can't afford to buy again so will be renting for rest of life. Will I be lonely .....I'm lonely now so no different much will it cost me to divorce? ....Will he be be able to claim some of my occupational pension?? What if I get I'll when I leave...who will look after me? Is that a reason to stay? Do I want to look after him when his excessive drinking catches up on him ? Wonder why life is so hard......but is it really.? If we're not happy then it's time to move on surely. Should have done it years ago. I'll keep you posted.

Bean123 Thu 13-Oct-16 23:44:47

janiensworth ....I've tried this. I'm fact this weekend I arranged for us to go out with friends for a meal but he puts a downer on the idea so I've cancelled. I've stopped dressing up as get no response and now live in work clothes or pyjamas. Highlight of a shopping trip is buying comfy pyjamas these days 😊

Bean123 Tue 18-Oct-16 23:29:15

So had a lovely weekend with family. Still torn in what to do though. Would be easier if hubby was a complete "b" but can't say he is. His worst trait is trying to cut me off from family and friends. Don't want this. Why should anyone expect to be the only one in their partner's life ? Should I just accept it ??

Nanabelle Wed 19-Oct-16 00:08:40

Please don't allow yourself to be cut off from family and friends. If you can't visit or meet up, there is always Skype/Facetime - or even letters! And look for happiness for yourself in doing things that you enjoy - art classes, yoga, swimming, reading, walking ... anything that brings you some joy. Often the grass seems greener on the other side, but there might be lots of weeds you can't see from a distance!

Envious Wed 19-Oct-16 03:46:31

I wouldn't say starting over is being blinded by greener grass. I look at starting over as an optimistic move toward a future. If you stay my only question is will he be by your side if you get ill?

Menopaws Wed 19-Oct-16 07:04:37

Don't accept unhappiness, you deserve more

Mumsy Wed 19-Oct-16 07:36:18

Sit your husband down and tell him how you really feel!

mumofmadboys Wed 19-Oct-16 08:21:34

I agree with Mumsy.Try talking to him and see how he feels your relationship is going. Tell him the good things you value about him and then tell him the things that make you sad eg contact with family and friends. I wish you well.

Stansgran Wed 19-Oct-16 08:46:18

I have come to the conclusion that everyone "marries " three times. The first for lust/ leaving home, the second for fertility, and the third for financial stability / companionship. You are just very lucky if you get all three in one man or woman.

Anya Wed 19-Oct-16 08:55:20

But what is companionship? How many find they have nothing much left to talk about with husbands and life is a tad boring?

A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

Does this apply to any of you?

Crafting Wed 19-Oct-16 18:42:00

My DH and I can sit in companionable silence for a while. We have different likes in TV. I like to watch it but he likes to read. I would not be parted from him for anything. We can have a companionable silence with no problem. Bean123 you sound frustrated, bored, looking for more. Having different interests is not a cause for separation if you are happy in yourselves. I agree with Mumsy' why don't you talk to him and see how he feels. What would you feel if he said he found you boring?

rubylady Thu 20-Oct-16 07:47:29

This is why I am not looking for husband no. 2, at all. I don't need someone falling asleep ten minutes into watching something together or changing from his initial "Superman" persona of our first dates. I've been there and done that and worked hard to not have to put up with it again.

I would, however, have a companion, but he would have to live in his own house, and share times when it suited us both, doing what suited us both. No more having someone making me hide behind the curtains when friends call, to ignore them. I have fought for my freedom and independence and for having my own roof over my head, be it social housing, it is still in my sole tenancy.

Bean You do need to sort this out with your husband, but before you do, please get all the relevant information you may need to your questions. Maybe get a free consultation with a solicitor or see Age UK, they may be able to help you with what rights you have or what you would be entitled to. But please do not be scared of making changes if it would be for the better. It will be different, you would be in somewhere smaller, probably, you would be on your own with no one around for company, you would have to sort out all your own finances. But you would be free, free to have anyone you want in your home, to share it with friends, family, pets (if allowed if renting) anyone and no one will be able to control you. As for the getting ill, then would you really want someone sat at the side of your bed in hospital who's heart really isn't in it to be there? I would rather have lovely nursing staff look after me than any family who really don't care. Please don't worry about this bit, if it is the right thing to do to leave, then your health will improve probably by feeling better about things.

I did it 15 years ago, I am so glad that I did. With my DS now at University I couldn't possibly think what it would be like now with just me and my ex husband together. People change, to promise to be together for life is a hard call. If you know that you have given it your all, then get some advice, save up some money, but make sure you come out of it both with your head held high and your pocket full enough to sustain you. Don't do as I did and get short changed. I was too soft, but then we all live and learn. Good luck. flowers

Wobblybits Thu 20-Oct-16 08:06:33

I do hope that there are some Gners that are happy with their partners, I find it sad that so many are unhappy in a relationship.

rubylady Thu 20-Oct-16 08:22:01

I was really happy with my ex partner Wobbly, we had five glorious years together but sadly, because he was much younger and wanted a baby (not something I was able to do) we split up. He now has a son of his own.