Will we be made homeless

I don't remember this post in December? Maybe I just missed it.

I do hope Grandson did get the help he needed and that is gran is well and still living at home. It is difficult, I am going through it with my dad who rings me and tells me the same thing day after day. He is on the list for going into an extra care facility so that he can be looked after better. He is in a council flat now though so no problem with his property. He does have neighbours who call in and care workers too and I visit as regular as possible and phone often. I need to talk with his doctor because I don't think they have told him he has dementia, he thinks he just forgets things. So I need to go with him on a visit but it is awful because I don't want to burst his bubble. Once he knows he might panic and worry and I won't be able to take that back away from him. Tables turned now as he went through it when I had open heart surgery twice as a child.

I did me best to get that over to him , jings without risking someone telling me that I was as much as telling him to stop wasting our and his time and start taking action for himself.

How restrained everyone was on this thread! Why did no one tell him to bugger off and get some proper legal advice?

The original poster has not replied since the end of December, so I think we can assume that he has found a solution - perhaps the CAB was of help.

my advice would be to contact Caresuk who are a national charity. They have a helpline, or you can email them for probably a quicker response.
They are experts in this field.

Grandson123 You have shown yourself such an articulate young man on this thread that I am sure you will be able to explain your position to them at the Citizens' Advice Bureau.

You have used a lot of time on here which could have been spent with your wife and child, or talking to your Gran. Can I suggest that you get offline now and first thing in the morning you start asking your questions at the CAB, where you will get factual answers.

This has become a heated exchange between you and a few people who were digging more deeply into your life than you wanted them to, leading you to add more and more information about yourself. Remember that this is a public forum, where anyone at all can read what is posted.

Also anyone at all can post comments and questions which may not be entirely factual. That is why some posts are rather probing and critical. If you are on the level, you need to move on to where you can get answers. If you are not on the level . . . well I will not assume that.

grandson, Getting an hgv licence is a long winded affair these days. If you are successful will you be able to find a driving job that does not take you away from home for days at a time? Who will look after your nan then?

I know some of our replies may make you feel, damned if I do and damned if I don't but I'm afraid that's what you're likely to get if you ask a lot of people for their opinions. You will have to sift through the advice and ignore the posts you don't agree with rather than challenge them.

Like most of us here I was very much full of responsibilities when I was 26 - married, a baby on the way and in a job.

My responsibilities did not also include a 10 year old stepdaughter or being sole carer for my nan. I think I might have found that pretty hard.

Golly gosh , soutra what a wise person you are .

It was a 1 1/2 bed converted flat in a run down part of South London actually- at £8500 it came in at about 3x DH's salary. My point is just that in our day we did not expect to live at home once we had a job. I fully appreciate that housing costs have risen but at the same time all 3DDs shared rented flats at the outset and while they would have been welcome enough to stay on a temporary basis , once they had left home , well they had left! My point is more that grandson123 needs to put things on a regular grown up footing not just "living with nan" . Either he is her carer or he isn't and if she intends him to have her house, the sooner things are put in writing the better and frankly CAB or AGE UK or a solicitor or a housing association will give him the best advice. nelliemoser knows what she is talking about in a professional sense it seems and she was told not to comment! Made me wonder what OP wants to hear.

Can I ask Soutra did you lose your father figure at the age of 21/22 ? Did this have any affect of your life after that?

Did you have a life changing car accident at the tender age of 17 changing and limiting your job prospects for the rest of your life?

Did you have to pick up your grandfather off the floor when he fell at 2 am when you were just a teenager on more than one occasion also helping him on and off the toilet and into the shower, because your gran was too weak to do it but both too stubborn to get help? Was that the 'in' thing to do when you were growing up? Or just me?

On another note I would like to congratulate you Soutra on all your life achievements and sorrows and wish that my future life is only as accomplished as your own.

Thanks again to everyone ELSE who has given me brilliant advice and also reassurances I do truly appreciate it.

Times change soutra.

Not many young people nowadays would be in a position to buy a house at age 25 as you did.

Rents were much lower then and jobs easier to get and more secure.

I do agree with your first para Grannyknot.

Crikey. grandson123 was asking some pertinent questions in his OP, and he has received a lot of good practical information and advice in return. Somehow he has also attracted a character assassination! What is this - Mumsnet?!

My MIL has advanced Alzheimer's and she pays, via the Court of Protection (not here, in another country) for her nurses, her keep, and a portion of the household outgoings including utilities. That is what was requested by the DD who looks after her in the daughter's home and that is what was agreed (after some wrangling). So my point is, each to their own in terms of monetary arrangements and care of family members.

Grandson do speak with the CAB and Age UK and I think you'd find useful info on the alzheimer's site www.alzheimers.org.uk/.
Would it be possible to have a discussion with your gran explaining how you are worried about her and would like her to see the doctor? If she trusts you and knows you have her welfare at heart, your concern may get through to her.
You clearly think highly of her and want to make her life easy but, by denying there is a problem, she is making life difficult for you.

Grandson123 With regard to DLA payments that you say you are not entitled to please just check with a Benefits Advisor as there are I think 2 different levels of payment and if you GM cannot manage her own cooking/shopping/bathing she well may qualify for the reduced payment at least.Well worth a try.

He is an adult and is asking the right questions in order to discharge his responsibilities. It is unusual for a man of his age to be having to worry about an elderly relative for whom he seems to be the main carer. This prompted my comment about a lot of responsibilities.

As I understand it from previous posts, it is his nan's choice that he does not pay rent. That is reasonable - I had my DD and family living here for a long while after a house fire and I did not charge them anything, but they made contributions in other ways, as it seems this young man does.

I do not think that we should assume he is a lazy freeloader without good evidence. As I say, it seems a bit harsh.

Sorry that should also have been addressed to Mishap -
a lot of responsibilities for a man of his age was what prompted my outburst!! By 26 I was a secondary teacher, had borne 2 children, sadly lost one of them as a baby and was an adult with responsibilities of all sorts!

26 Petallus is older than many people with responsible jobs/own homes/independent lives! He is not a child or a teenager!! While I am not saying parents/grandparents must of necessity charge rent, it would have gone entirely against the grain for me to expect to live rent free. At 22 DH and I got married and rented our first 2 flats for 3 years until we were able to buy our own. Does the wife work? Presumably with a child at school there was nothing to stop her and it sounds as if there will be a share of the proceeds of the house, so why the preoccupation with "homelessness"?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. It seems from posts on this thread that some would expect to charge their close relatives the going rate, e g around here £450 a month for a room in a house plus a share of all other bills plus food.

We only expect our grandson to pay his way,that is enough to cover his food and hot water. We wouldn't want to make a profit out of him.

I wonder if we are unusual.

That seems a little harsh.

It does not seem unreasonable to me that this young man might like to prepare for the future and protect his family by making sure that they have a home. At the moment he is living with his nan (effectively his mum) but he can see that there are some problems with her health brewing and he needs to be able to plan for how he will deal with that, both for her benefit and for his own nuclear family. I do not get the feeling that he is hoping she will "obligingly pop her clogs" but that he is quite reasonably thinking things through in the light of his responsibilities.

Even if that were where he is coming from, he still needs the right information and he has had the right advice on here that is simply factual.

He is shouldering a lot of responsibilities for a man of his age and information is important so that he can make the right decisions for everyone involved.

The title of your thread gives me pause for thought grandson123 I.e."will we be made homeless?"
Is this your fear then? Did you imagine living rent free until your gran obligingly popped her clogs and left you her mortgage-free house? And is this in danger of dissolving before your eyes? Had you factored in inheritance tax by the way? Whether or not you have contributed in an informal way to household expenses may cut little ice if the proceeds from the house had to cover residential care. Why are you so worried about this possibility as you say there has been no diagnosis as yet? I wonder if you are perhaps afraid that a doctor might decide she has to go into a care home and they can charge massive fees. It may be your home but as a grown man you could be expected to make your own arrangements regarding housing for yourself and your family. The additional complication regarding your wife's co-owned house with her sister is just confusing the issue. I imagine the house will have to be sold but it would make sense to find out what your legal rights are, if any and to consider your moral duty to your gran.

I have been to her doctor and discussed it with him, he then organised a 'routine check up' for her including blood tests etc and sent her a letter inviting her for the check up. When she received the letter she instantly rang the doctors to organise appointments but when it came to actually going she decided she didn't want to go, she usually uses taxis to travel because she doesn't like to rely on me , but this time I insisted I would take her and she flatly refused because in her own words 'they are useless down there'

In the initial meeting between myself and her doctor I told him everything that goes on and what her general demeanour is like and he basically said unless she does something when she isn't at home there is not much I can do until she admits herself to the doctors because she feels something is wrong and the latter, knowing my gran, is highly unlikely.

I would endorse that as an idea. GPs do have to be careful what they say as they cannot breach confidentiality, but they can listen to your concerns and suggest ways forward. It must be very distressing for you to see your much-loved nan not quite as she should be.

A good idea from Jane10 that you could make an appointment with the GP to discuss the situation and maybe s/he could arrange for a health visitor or community nurse to call round.