ex carers not married abandoned after death of a partner

just to clarify that we were marred (prob seems obvious in the thread "dh" in fact it would have been our 35th wedding anniversary on Monday, although we had been together 40 yrs.

It can be difficult to put your affairs in order, especially arranging funeral cover prior, as when you only have a certain amount coming in each week, the last thing you think of is putting it into a funeral plan, we ourselves could not afford insurance as due to health/illness the premiums were just too high, any spare money we/I had went into making dh life more comfortable and I don't regret a penny of it, even though now I am deeply in debt and on a DMP he was worth every penny.

As far as Marriage goes...it does seem that that little bit of paper means an awful lot where the "aftermath" is concerned so yes I suppose getting married for some may be the answer I don't know.

The thing I would advise to people now..is to look at ahead at plans for funerals, also the marriage side of it...I was talking to a friend yesterday, whos brother had died in Canada in November..he had no money and she (his sister over in here in England) had to pay for the funeral (£5,000) as she was the next of kin. I can sympathise with poormare and anyone else in a similar situation. You have to dig deep for any information , no one is forthcoming, and perphaps a dedicated thread On GN would be a good idea or maybe a Professional person (webchat) could come onto GN where we could ask questions as it is a very serious/upsetting/distressing subject and for them that have no one to turn to is awful.
I can only speak from my experience which is still very raw, but as each case is different then its sometimes difficult to give out the correct information. The CAB have been helpful and also the GOV website (what happens when someone dies) not a good topic , but there is no getting away from it..Even this morning I have Solicitors letter on the mat from a company trying their very best to get any monies out of me to pay off a small CC that dh had in his name, when they already know there was no assets/no money/no insurances etc no savings.(apparently most CC are written off when a person dies, but these are after blood!).etc etc so looks like another phone call to CAB today....sorry long post but could write all day..take care all...

Well, let's hope that if others are in a similar situation- they will be able to put things right asap. In my opinion, long-term partners should be treated in the same way as spouses- but it is NOT the case at present.

I don't think it is that well known or well publicised. There is a common perception that "common law marriage" has legal status. I have a friend who had no idea that there married people have a great deal more automatic protection under the law than those who live together.

This is tragic for those left behind.

But I just can't understand why, knowing that this is the case, and this is well publicised- why do people not put their affairs in order, and marry or make and make a proper will- to protect their loved ones???? The wedding can just be a quick registry affair and signature- and nothing more????

this is such a sad state of affairs and seems very unfair on women who have devoted the best years of their lives looking after loved ones. Families are often criticised in the press for placing their sick and vulnerable relatives in homes. Well is it any wonder when they are faced with choices such as these. I would have liked to have spent more time with my now dead relatives at the end of their lives but was unable to because of the moving of the pension age. But thankfully I am not in the unenviable postion as some of the people on this thread. More from luck than design. There for the grace ..ect ect

Riverwalk you are correct about the "Gov Widows Pension" there is no such thing now...... as I am a new widow and under pension age...I was put on "Bereavement allowance" (age 59 is £111 a week) you are paid this for 12 months, then in my case I am to go on "Jobseekers" think that is around £72 a week. on Bereavement allowance you do not get free perscriptions if you are under 60) whilst £111 per week may seem ok..they assume that you only need £72 a week to live on...the rest they (the GOV) is excess income and is means tested.(eg no free prescriptions, as a single person you are entitled to some discount on your community charge and also a small reduction. Things have drastically changed in this are over the last few years and I don't think people realise until the time comes when it effects them. I had been a carer for dh for many many years, but this July will be excpected to sign on (or whatever it is they do now) and search for a job, where as I should really have been classed as retiring in October at 60 I now have to wait until I am 67 , hence need to find a job for the next 8 yrs (if anyone will have me that is)

I'm sorry to see that you took out a loan to buy a mattress when your partner would certainly have qualified for an NHS air mattress.

I hope anyone else reading this who is intending to buy equipment for a dependent will fully explore what they are entitled to beforehand, and learn from poor's experience.

As an aside, I didn't think there was still such a thing as a government Widow's Pension, at least for new widows - I thought they were phased-out some time ago.

It sounds as if the experience of not being a legal partner in anyway was almost as devastating as trying to find the money for the funeral, etc., poormare

I wonder if the widows pension will continue at all under the new system? As we treat people more and more as individuals for pension purposes, etc., I do feel the "living together" rules will need an overhaul.

You have used your experience in a really positive way in order to help others. This is very brave and I hope helps you in return.

poormare

hi hi aww thank you for your kind messages and all your interesting comments. i do appreciate them all, i just have a few points i would like to make. 1. if you are married or in a civil partnership and your partner dies you are entitled to a bereavement payment and widows pension which is totally as it should be. if you are partners and your partner dies you are entitled to nothing even though you are treated as a couple by the dhss for monetary purposes as soon as one of you dies this ceases by the same agency which i think is unfair. 2. due to the nature of my partners illness we were unable to marry if we had wanted to which i am not blaming anyone for it was entirely up to ourselves before he became ill not to marry.
3. we didnt have anything or any money so there was no problem with any estate or monies.
4. the attending funeral director on hearing that we had been dependent on benefits deemed that a thousand pound deposit would have to be payed as there would be no guarantee the dhss would grant full payment which by the way they didnt. no where near and i have to say he even mentioned a paupers yes a paupers funeral.
5. i did go to the cab who informed me that a loan was my only option and that i should get in touch with the social fund.
6. i already had taken a loan to buy my partner a special mattress to stop pressure sores and because he had become incontinent so i knew they wouldnt give me another loan.
7. my reason for the first post was to warn people to certainly get married or sort things out legally death is like a thief comes quietly and devastatingly.
8. i was allowed to obtain the death certificate but not to sign for cremation as i was not a blood relative.
9. ive learnt that there are some really wonderful people in this world they far far outweigh the truly awful.
10. i just hope this helps even one person to not have to go through the nightmare i have at a time when you are at your lowest, weakest, and most vunerable. peace and love to you all xxxxxxx

The laws in Australia are very different. Living together and marriage are considered the same, which protects those who prefer not to marry. But.... I don't like it, if you want to put everything you have together then get married. Many defacto couples especially in later life and established with assets such as a house and possibly children from a first marriage, don't want to share their assets with their partner after only a few years or at all. You can end up losing half your house and every thing you own to a partner of five years.

I am sorry for your predicament poormare.

I agree with FlicketyB, lots of sympathy for poormare, but why on earth didn't they just get married quietly when he was so ill, it would have taken care of a lot of things? We have a similar situation with a distant cousin who has just died after a long drawn out illness which he knew was terminal. For some reason, he didn't marry his long term partner who is the mother of their children. This has left his partner with no rights to the home they shared for 15 years and even left her residence in doubt as she is a non eu national. I know he is dead, but can't help feeling exasperated and even angry with the situation he has left his family in. If one good thing comes out of this terrible situation that poormare finds herself in, then maybe it is that others will be warned about the necessity of that sneered at and dismissed 'little piece of paper'. Hope you find some help from AgeUk or Cruse.

gracesgran I don't know the exact details, I just remember the flurry and the fuss ...but she lost out on a pension. Her first husband had been in the RAF and discharged due to being injured on duty.

rubygran asks about father's "rights over the children" if they are unmarried and named 'on the certificate'.

The Children Act gives children rights, parents have responsibilities and duties. Unmarried father's can apply to the mags court for Parental Responsibility. I've never known it be refused, even on the rare occasion when a mother has objected.
Children have a right to grow up knowing both their parents and the law enshrines that.

I thought even co-habiting would loose a service widows pension Grannyknot - I think that is true of only a few other pensions.

My almost SIL does not want to remarry and I do understand he had a terrible divorce from what appears to be a very avaricious women although I think his own stubbornness may have cost him too. Having said that his stubbornness was to get rights to equally parent his children which she seems to have "sold" him bit by bit. My problem is that my daughter's legal position may be affected because of his feelings for his x-wife and my DD could not have been more supportive. It has to be said that she appears to understand but I do wonder if she feels she has no choice.

They have, however, written their wills to cover this problem and have deeds of trust concerning the ownership of the house. I just worry that she may still be vulnerable.

flickety that thought did cross my mind too, as sorry as I am for poormare. And 11 years of severe ill health is a long time.

Conversely, my MIL had happily been living with her partner for over 30 years, her daughter decided one summer that wouldn't it be wonderful if they got married, so romantic! And more or less organised the wedding and chivvied them along, I think my MIL was in her 70s by then, he was quite a bit younger. We did have a good party! But then there was a subsequent hooha because she lost her British Armed Forces widow's pension. Her now husband had no money of his own really and no one had thought about their joint income.

I am very sorry for your loss and situation.
It does highlight a big problem. Many people don't see the need to marry and say 'it is only a piece of paper'. It is far, far more than that, which they don't realise until things go wrong. If you don't have it you need to visit a solicitor and get everything drawn up legally. It is a lot cheaper to have a trip to the registry office with 2 witnesses.
There was an article in the newspaper only last week saying that people imagine that living together gives them all sorts of protection. A solicitor said they had been visited by a woman who had separated from her long term partner- a wealthy man in the public eye- she said that she wanted to know what she was entitled to and appreciated it might take a couple of hours to go through. The solicitor said that it would take less than a couple of minutes- it was nothing!
If there is anyone reading this who doesn't have that 'bit of paper' they should make sure they have legal documentsm, if they can't or won't get married. When I went to my solicitor to update my will she said that she was responsible for 7 couples getting married that year- it is much the easier and cheaper option.

I truly have every sympathy for the predicament poormare finds herself in but the lack of legal rights of a couple living together rather than being married are well known and well publicised. If there were good reasons why poormare and her partner could not or chose not to marry they could and should have drawn up wills and other legal documents giving her rights as next-of-kin and inheritance rights.

As far as benefits go, everyone gets treated as a single person after their spouse dies. Except for the bereavement payment there is no special treatment for someone who used to be part of a couple, married or not and has lost their partner through death.

The lack of entitlement to benefits, inheritance, and to be considered next-of-kin of unmarried partners is widely known, discussed in newspapers and on radio and television and can be checked at CABs, and advice centres countrywide. If some people, including a significant number of younger people put their heads in the sand and either fail to absorb this information or take steps to ameliorate it by making wills and other legal arrangements then surely that is their choice and responsibility and while I can feel personal sympathy for an individual, their plight is surely one they have chosen.

Is it true that if you are unmarried and have children and if the mother dies, then the father has no right over the children even if named on the certificate or have I got that wrong?

I am so sorry for your loss, it must be terrible for you to be put in this awful financial position while you are grieving so much for your partner. My heart goes out to you, take care.

poormare I'm so sorry that you have had such a sad time and now are facing financial difficulties.

I agree with others who have suggested you get some advice. I didn't think my mum was entitled to any additional money because she has capital but Age UK got some extra payments for her (and she did make full disclosure of the capital she has).

I do hope you can get some help and things will soon look up for you.

I told my friend today about this thread,see my post above, and she reminded me that when she went to the appointment with a relative of her partner as she had been advised, she was allowed to register the death as she had been present.I wouldn't like to mislead anybody with that information.

poormare as OP have mentioned..you need to ask for some help..Stepchange Debt Charity are relaly good...£20 a week is far too much for you to be paying out of what is jobseekers I presume you are claiming.

You must be feeling very low after losing your partner of 38 years and it must have been a hard 11 years caring for him after the strokes.

As a divorcee, not a widow, I'm not familiar with what a 'widow' would receive in the way of finances as compared to a 'partner'. I do know that not all company pensions provide for a widow so you may not have received that anyway.

You say after his death you were treated as a single person for benefits, but surely that would apply to anyone?

What happened to your late partner's estate - did a former wife or children inherit?

Very sad*poormare*, and I send my heartfelt condolences.
As others have said, this is going to affect many, many more women unless the government changes the law.
It is easy when younger to think that it won't happen or 'common law' wife applies. I have several friends living with partners who could well end up in the same situation.
Truly sorry I can't be of more help, (((hugs))) x

That's very sad poormare and brave of you to post. If there's nothing can be done to help you cope financially then perhaps you could use a listening ear to help you through the very real grief you are feeling just now (((hugs))))