Going into care.

I have a plan that involves staying in my own home, beng fit and well and able to cope without any help. Then one day, after a good night out with family and/or friends, I'll drive myself home, pour myself a glass of wine, go to bed and quietly drift away in my sleep aged 89 years.

Why not? That's exactly what my Aunt Isobel did ......only in her case it was a glass of single malt

Mancunianma, what a dreadful thought that my dad should live to 111. I will be 84 myself by then or dead.

I am currently looking after my father, although he doesn't live with us I am tied to going to his house every lunch time to give him his lunch, medication and leave him a sandwich. Luckily my sister and I share this but on the days I go it takes me an hour and a half to get there, the same home again and 2 hours with him. Sometimes I go earlier to make sure he has a walk, about half to one hour more.
He and my mother had their retirement free, and I do admit to being resentful sometimes. I have 2 granddaughters and I want them to be my priority. I want to have a life but I feel curtailed. With my other responsibilities it doesn't leave much time for my husband and I and the things we want to do together.
I do not want my DS's to do this for me. If my dad lives another 6 years, my sister will be 70.
If I get a life threatening illness when I am over 80 or so, I will refuse treatment. My time will be up for the next generation.

I would not want my children or a care home to look after me.I am used to being alone and independent. Just hope I go with a bang and not some lingering illness..

If you haven't read 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande I recommend it highly. It really makes you think about what matters as one gets old!

I have moved into a retirement complex as I do not want my lovely children to care for me. Should I need it I can easily get care here and my flat can be equipped with ease of living equipment. If I get severe althzimers or dementia my children know they are to put me into the local nursing home.

DH still likes to go to the supermarket, but if we ever become less physically able, there's always internet shopping. I would do that because I hate going round the supermarket.

If we ever get tired of making our own meals there are firms that deliver - Oakhouse Foods is one. We do internet banking - no need to go out on a cold morning, catch the bus to the PO and draw pensions in cash. It all happens like clockwork. We don't need anyone to do these things for us.

I had a wonderful friend who only died last September aged 111 years! She was the last of her family, being the baby, never married and was still living in her own home up until 3 months in hospital before she died. She had myself and other good friends who looked out for her, good medical support, and reasonably good care from the social services. Only 3 years ago she decided she would like to have a trial 6 weeks in a care home....needless to say she hated it....and returned home! So it is possible to remain in your own home, which is always being encouraged by the powers that be, with the right sort of help.....that's assuming there will be any social services left with all the cuts!! Hopeful!?

I am 92, have walking difficulties from arthritis. Have lived alone for 29 years and am very independent. Until five years ago was going alone on holidays abroad. I go shopping once a week using the Dial a bus and hiring a scooter. I have a daily help who I can afford to pay to do housework and help me dress and drive me to doctor or hospital etc. and she even likes to do the gardening. I would hate to go into a home. My son who is 67 lives in the West Country 150 miles away is kept busy helping to look after his three small grand children. He has offered financial help if I should need it .

The short answer is: no. No way.

DH and I have passed the 8-0 barrier, in our 9th decade now. We have various physical problems but still have all our marbles. I passed the 'memory test' from a woman in the Memory Clinic while I was in a care of the elderly ward over New Year (fortunately only 2 nights).

One of the best decisions my first husband and I ever made was to move to this 2-bed 1930s bungalow in 1990. Since then, time, money and effort has been spent on bringing it up to modern conditions and expectations - the last thing will be a mobility-friendly refurbishment of the bathroom, walk-in shower and the lot. We can therefore go on living here for another decade or more. Moving here did, of course, remove us from the rest of our relatives, and now, none of my remaining blood relatives or even my step-family live closer than 200 miles.

People talk a lot of nonsense about becoming their parent's full-time carer. One person just cannot do it. Never mind what they do in the Philippines. It's not possible here.

I have 3 sons who all have a wife/partner, I keep letting hints out that I don't want to go into care, but I don't think they take me seriously. I've found that its the women who make decisions of where their husband/partner's parents will be cared for, and the men just go along with it. I've made my mind up I'm not going into care, I've got a strategy if I'm forced into going into care Having said that, care for some people is fine and they're happy to go, but not for me. Unfortunately I worked in an environment where I learnt/heard and saw too much, plus personally I think children should look after their parents. Due to circumstances I bitterly regret not being able to care for my parents more than I did, parents like children are precious

I have 3 sons who all have a wife/partner, I keep letting hints out that I don't want to go into care, but I don't think they take me seriously. I've found that its the women who make decisions of where their husband/partner's parents will be cared for, and the men just go along with it. I've made my mind up I'm not going into care, I've got a strategy if I'm forced into going into care Having said that, care for some people is fine and they're happy to go, but not for me. Unfortunately I worked in and environment where I learnt/heard and saw too much, plus personally I think children should look after their parents. Due to circumstances I bitterly regret not being able to care for my parents more than I did, parents like children are precious.

There is no easy answer, whatever you do will have its downside, and your children will feel guilty! We have a friend with dementia, who after the death of her husband last year has had to go into a home. She hates it there as she is anxious a lot of the time and feels that she is the "odd one out". Many of the residents are in an advanced state of dementia and incontinent. The place stinks of urine, the meals are, to my eyes, unappetising and the place is not terribly clean and tidy. The staff are absolutely lovely but there aren't enough of them. My friend has two sons, one is very caring but lives 300 miles away. My friend could not live with either of her two sons as it would be impossible for them to care for her 24 hours a day. While care homes are run by profit making organisations there will never be adequate care in my view. A bleak outlook for those of us who develop dementia. Lets hope and pray for a cure.

Scrapgran,
I am with you 100% on the Switzerland option. Such a pity that the law here does not allow us to choose to die in our own country.
My fear is that (way in the future) I will slip into dementia/incapacity suddenly and be unable to arrange to end my life. My children know how I feel but if I had, say, a major stroke I don't believe they would act on my wishes. The law is against them. My fear is ending up being fed and cared for with zero quality of life.

my daughter and two grandaughters came to live with me last year as a result of problems with her marriage.
she has still to sort out a divorce [and all the financial details that go with it] but will not have enough to find another place to live.
so we're all living at my house and a view to making this permanent. that means that i will be able to stay in my house [hopefully with equity release in a few years' time] and be cared for.
we share the chores and looking after my grandaughters - both of us drive but when the time comes i can no longer drive then my car will go and i'll rely on my daughter ......... hopefully that will be a long time ahead.
i'm disabled with arthritis and find i can't walk too far or stand for too long so it's lovely having my daughter and the girls here.
however i haven't lost my independence and don't intend to.
my worst nightmare would be to have to go into a care home - i'm not one for sitting around in a row with other people - going on organised trips out. i don't think i've ever been a "team player" and i'm too old to start now!!!

It's nice if children want to be part of caring for you in old age but we should not expect that. If they have children and busy careers that must be their priority. In addition opportunities for working all over the world are enormous and children must not feel they can't take a post because of parents at home. We must try to make our own arrangements well in advance. We live in the country and plan to down size to a town with public transport and easy access activities so no one has to worry about us driving past out sell by date. The next step, if we are lucky, will be sheltered accommodation with perhaps an option to transfer to greater care if needed.

Thanks Lynker for starting this blog, as last week, a year after the death of my dear husband. I found a place that was not too bad, so I am about to sort it out. It will not be that far from my old mother, my older son and my older brother, who does now take regular holidays.

However, last night I received an email from my older brother, which has confused me knowing that he doesn't live far from the property and why bring this up now, knowing that for just over a year, I have been so tired searching around for a property, also that he once suggested that I go and join our other son who lives in NZ.
This a bit:

'Would it not be more suitable to consider properties that have a manager/caretaker that you could call upon in any emergency or illness?'

I would have much preferred to remain at the rented property where my late husband died, but had to leave as the only shop was 27 mins walk away. So have been with my son and his family, who naturally want their freedom back,

A warning for all those young grandmas, try and stay in the property you are in or find something early on in your retirement.
My older cousin, who has lived in Cornwall since she was in her 40s, lost her husband early this year, but is now very happy getting around and remiained in the big house where her husband died.

Never would I want my children looking after me. As it is, one is living hundreds of miles away and it would not be feasible for my other adult child because of the nature of their work. I brought my children up to have their own lives. Never would I put this burden on them.
The reason I feel so strongly,yes, I was a carer. It nearly destroyed my marriage and also my health.
The person in question who I cared for and would rather not name, was demanding,selfish and quite nasty. Though, there were some good times.The caring role was needed for them and went on for about 5 years in their own home with me travelling there (short journey). Eventually a care home was needed and the guilt trip I was put through with that situation was something else! I , and two other family members were left to it,with both the caring and the decision for the Care Home. Whatever you do, do not expect family to help out. Promises are made and not kept or they all vanish anyway.
As for the NHS - forget it! I am still waiting for any help or advice from them. The GP was quite frankly, useless.
Having said this, some of the memories of that time I do treasure,when the person I cared for was having a good day it could give you a closeness with that person, which was extremely rewarding.
What I would say is you end up running two homes and you are on call 24 hours a day, for the least little thing. Would you want that life thrust upon your children?
In my experience, the friends and family of the person vanish, especially when the going gets tough.
I apologise if this sounds very negative, but I want to make sure if you are expecting your children to look after you in old age, you know exactly what life (and it is no life) that you put on them, and all with no help.

My mother was always very careful with her money, she hardly ever treated herself and whenever I told her to spend more on herself she would say 'no I'd rather put it away for you and your brother'. She died 2 years ago and my 89 year old father has no idea how to look after himself. I see him every day, take him shopping, cook some meals for him and do his laundry. I took early retirement last year as I felt that looking after him and working was making me ill. He's not really very appreciative and most of the time moans about what I try to do for him. The problem is, if he went into a home all that saving that my mum did all through her life would be for nothing because the home would cost £3000 a month.

When it is my turn to be looked after I will have the same problem. Although I live in my partner's house I have kept my own house as security for my grown up children but if I have to go into a home this will all go. I would hate the thought of my own children having to put their lives on hold to run around after me! I always thought I wanted to live until a ripe old age but now think that I only want to live while I'm healthy enough to look after myself.

I am 93 and still live alone in my own house.my daughter phones me daily and takes me shopping on Saturdays.i she has said she would never put me into a care home but would arrange for someone to come in two or three times a day as I have said I would not want to live with her.they have their own lifes to live.my 2 sons and other daughter all live abroad but usually visit me every year.i feel I am lucky to have a caring family.

I've seen people's lives ruined by being forced to be 24/7 unpaid carers for an elderly person. I wouldn't impose that on the one of my children who would be a possibility.

On the other hand, people with my history are abused in care homes. I do have to consider the option of a one way ticket to Switzerland.

I used to work on a Sunday in a nursing home - very plush looking and expensive. The owner had been a nurse but her husband was the manager. The food - beautifully presented with napkin etc., was sparse and I was called to one side and told not to change the residents so often, to save on incontinent pad costs! To walk in, you might think you were in a stately home.
I looked after my Mum for 2 years in my home, but am still haunted by the neglect she suffered when her health deteriorated and she spent 3 months in hospital. My only comfort is that we managed to get her into a nursing home near to me and I could call in daily and, as a retired nurse, asked to do some of her care when there, giving her blanket baths and foot massages. But those 3 months still make me teary and guilty although I could no longer manage her.
I think we all hope to go quickly and with our marbles intact!

My DS told me years ago (joking, I think!) that I was not to worry, when I got old he would look after me, he would find me a good care home.

Oops,carers not careers.

I personally would not want to hold my children back and if the time comes I will make sure that does not happen. Residential is certainly not the only option. Sheltered and Very Sheltered Housing ensures that an individual's independence is maintained whilst their care needs are also met. If I could not take care of myself or see the possibility approaching then I will be asking for an assessment and getting on the waiting list for Sheltered. I am very close to my children but this would be my decision to make sure their lives are not disrupted. I love them too much and couldn't bear to become a burden.