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Care & carers

Going into care.

(78 Posts)
Lynker Thu 18-Feb-16 22:41:19

My daughter's MIL has just gone into care. I have been told quite clearly that if and when the need arises, I will be following her...... Do you think that your children would look after you in old age? Would you want them to?

Luckygirl Thu 18-Feb-16 22:56:52

You will only be following her if you choose to do so. It is not your daughter's place to say where you will choose to spend your last years. She is out of order here and assuming that this is her decision and not yours.

My children have said very clearly that they would want to look after us in our old age; but we have said that we will need to make our own decisions when the time comes (assuming that we are able to) and that we do not want them to spend their lives providing care for us. They come back and say that we cared for them when they were little so they will care for us when we are old. They have also seen from my own parents that sometimes care in a home is better than that at home.

Lynker Thu 18-Feb-16 23:05:04

To be honest, I don't think that I would want either of my children having to care for me in my old age, they have their own lives to live. My husband however, believes that there is an obligation on children to care for their elderly parents.

merlotgran Thu 18-Feb-16 23:10:45

DD has moved into our bungalow and we are now in a garden annexe. She has always said that she wants to 'look out' for us when the need arises.

There are different levels of care. She has seen how tied I was to my mother for seven years whereas I have friends whose parents are still independant and active in their nineties and need very little help.

Nobody has a crystal ball. In the best of worlds I would love DH and I to manage our own lives for many years to come and I DO NOT want to end up in a care home but.......who knows?

Neversaydie Thu 18-Feb-16 23:27:38

I think a lot depends on the nature of the care which is needed.If I were afflicted with severe dementia I would not wish my DCs to try and look after me. If on the other hand I was perfectly compos mentis but disabled or frail I would hope we could come to some arrangement where they could house me , as 'separately 'as possible but we paid for carers .

Synonymous Fri 19-Feb-16 00:17:13

I would like to think that my wishes would be what actually counted so that if I wanted to stay in my own home that is what would happen. It really depends on what kind of help one needed and as Neversaydie has said regarding dementia that would be a different matter to any other.
I would be horrified to think that anyone would even try to railroad me to end my days where I would not wish to be. 'Being of a sound mind ' my will would certainly be amended to take anything like that into account since I would like to think I would get the last word! grin

WilmaKnickersfit Fri 19-Feb-16 01:54:43

Lynker does your daughter realise that some people going in to care still have all their marbles? It sounds like she doesn't think you will be capable of making the decision for yourself.

I think a child's obligation to a parent is to support the parent's choices where possible. I've always said my Mum and I would kill each other within my week if she lived with us. Now though we're both getting older and it doesn't sound quite so bad. We literally don't have the room though, so it would require a major change in our circumstances, especially as we live over 300 miles apart (plus she's still married!)

I think she would prefer to move into sheltered accommodation, or what ever it's called these days. My 81 year old FiL is in Housing Association sheltered accommodation and is still very independent, driving for his shopping every day. I don't think he expects to come and live with us. He keeps himself to himself within the complex and I'm sure he would fight to keep his independence.

My Aunt went into a nursing home before she died and also had residential care within the same facility. There was a 'street' called Memory Lane and it had a corner shop, a cafe, a sweet shop, a hairdressers and barbers, plus two restaurants. Everything was done with a vintage theme except the restaurants. There was also a full programme of events offering a pretty good range of things to do. I was so surprised, it looked great. I'm sure prices were higher than outside and some people chose not to use the facilities, but seemed to me to be a better option than sheltered accommodation.

Some people hate the idea of living amongst other older people, but I think you'd have the best of both worlds. Maybe I'm naive.

Jane10 Fri 19-Feb-16 08:41:33

I always thought that 'going into care' was something that happened to children!
I definitely don't want to be a nuisance to my family and would far rather move into a home that sit miserably in the corner making life difficult for my DD end DS as a get frailer and more needy- if I live that long.

annsixty Fri 19-Feb-16 08:51:12

Living with me, an only child, was never an option for either my mother or me. We did not have that sort of relationship and I would have ended up divorced. My mother chose a care home at the age of 95 and was happy there until she died aged 101.
For myself if I could not manage at home and if I could find a good residential home I think that would be my choice.

Imperfect27 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:12:12

My father always stated with great vehemence that if ever he needed to be dependent on his children: 'You can take me out and shoot me!'

He died from lung cancer ... at home, where he wanted to be and with family to hand. He had been nursed through his last 18 months with care and attention, in particular from my youngest brother who became his full-time carer for the last year, and with others of us popping in daily / weekly as time allowed. We wanted to support him and we all grew a lot closer to the crusty old git who was rather a harsh parent in our childhoods. I see that time as very graced for us all.

I recently remarried. My MIL is in 'rude' health at 81 and I suspect she will go on for years as her mother died when she was 98. My husband and I are the only local family and I expect we will care for her later on - not as a 'duty' but because we would want to.

As for my children - well, who knows. They are a kind bunch ... I guess there are so many variables, but I hope they will at least want to visit me when I am in my dotage smile.

aggie Fri 19-Feb-16 09:20:10

OH was in a "Care" home last year , but is now home to our house with Carers coming in . I would hope we could stay in our own house having experienced the other sad The children and GC pop in and out and are a great help , long may it last !

grannyactivist Fri 19-Feb-16 09:20:39

At the ages of 79 and 81 both of my parents in law are still busy working! My father in law regularly goes up to London for meetings and occasionally flies around the country to speak at conferences and training seminars. My mother in law is a musician who is still much in demand and has a very busy daily schedule - I almost always need to make an appointment if I want to be sure to see them on a particular day.

Any decisions about their care in the future will be taken by them and supported by the family, but my first choice would be to care for them in their own home for as long as possible. I would be more than happy for one or both of them to move in with us and we have a downstairs en-suite bedroom that suits the purpose. If they do choose to go into a nursing home I would aim to visit every day that I could.

My own mother, as many of you know, is currently being cared for by family members at home, but next week arrangements are being made for paid carers to go in every day, with a family member simply covering night duty. If this works I shall breathe a sigh of relief, but I think my mother will hate it. Unfortunately she lives 250 miles away, so caring for her means me being away from my home for 3 or 4 weeks at a time. Last time paid carers went in my mother sent them packing after 3 days, but she's now completely bedridden and I hope she understands that if she wants to continue staying in her own home she may need to compromise on who cares for her.

WilmaKnickersfit Fri 19-Feb-16 09:23:08

jane10 I don't like that expression being extended to adults. Many older people who move into residential care are still quite independent and there's a wide range of support levels. Talking about going into care implies a person can't do much for themselves. It makes me wonder if care home places are so short that people are at that stage when a place is found for them. sad

WilmaKnickersfit Fri 19-Feb-16 09:29:45

grannyactivist your parents in law sound amazing. Your mother's situation is difficult and I can't imagine what it was like when she sent her carers packing! I hope things work out this time.

annodomini Fri 19-Feb-16 10:23:54

My DiL has said that over her dead body would i end up in a care home! I don't think it will come to that, but they are keen to find a house with a granny annex or one that could be extended to accommodate me. No hurry though - I hope!

Thingmajig Fri 19-Feb-16 10:28:52

My father died a year ago and now my mother lives alone, she is 87. We have had her through to stay a few times since and made our downstairs loo into a shower room as she couldn't manage into the bath to use that shower.
At the moment she manages well, we all visit regularly.

I like to think that she will come and stay with us, or my brother/sisters if she can no longer manage at home.

As for myself ... I'm hoping for the care home option (if required) as the thought of living with the daughter and Sil and their endless tv drivel, not to mention the hovel they live in, is too much to bear! We get along fine, but with a little distance between us!

Lavande Fri 19-Feb-16 14:51:29

For several years I looked after my mother-in-law in an annexe to our home. Between day care and help at home the arrangement worked well, even though I was working full time in social work under considerable pressure.

Eventually, her physical and mental health deteriorated to the extent that I had exhausted all available resources. My own health also began to suffer. After she had had several falls and hospital admissions, my mother-in-law agreed to try one of the residential homes locally, which was known to have high standards of care. We had a close bond and I knew she trusted me to find the best available. She was well looked after, content and able to participate in some of the social events.

My own mother died suddenly. Had that not been the case, I would willingly have looked after her too if she had needed that.

In a lighthearted way, I have already told both of my sons and my daughters-in-law that I will not be looking to them for accommodation at any time in the future. This is unrelated to the experience outlined above, but simply because I value my independence too much and am as content with my own company as being with family and friends.

If I was mentally incapable or too physically frail to live independently I would trust the judgement of my family to find what I needed in the way of residential care. Sorted.

pensionpat Fri 19-Feb-16 15:39:46

I think that by the time most baby boomers are needing the support that parents needed from care homes, there won't be enough of them to fit us in. I envisage more of us buying services of an IT nature. E.g. Sensors, sophisticated communications, and, heaven forbid, cameras. If we can't pay for it they will do a deal with the equity in our house. Brave New World indeed!

TriciaF Fri 19-Feb-16 16:12:44

I don't like the phrase "going into Care" it reminds me too much of those poor children who were taken away from their parents because of some kind of abuse.
Three of our four parents died quickly at home, but my Mum had a stroke, and was partially paralysed. She really wanted to stay in her own home (we did offer her to come to us,) but it turned out to be much more expensive than a residential home - at the time, 1997.
So we found a small place and she was very happy there in her last years. I think she felt safe there, no more bills to pay, battles with the Gas people over heating, worry about burglars etc.
For us, we would like to stay at home as long as possible.
I think this is the way it's going to have to develop, as pensionpat says, there won't be enough room in "Care" homes.

Lynker Fri 19-Feb-16 16:53:55

I've had a lot of involvement with care homes over the years.....I managed one, my mum was in one, my MIL was in another one and I worked for SS and spent a lot of time in and out of them, dealing with various issues and clients. If I could guarantee that I would be able to do my own thing, I think I would rather go into a home than burden my family for what could be years. I have also seen the impact of families trying to manage elderly relative at home and seen the quality of the care provided by carers to those staying at home.....there really is no ideal solution........shoot me now!!smile

scrapgran Sat 20-Feb-16 09:14:54

I do not expect my children to look after me when I'm older, especially as they will have to work till they are at least 70 so I will probably be long gone before then. I don't want to go into a care home either so hubby and I have decided that Switzerland looks a good option once we get to that stage! Having said that both my daughters have been extremely caring durng my second bout of breast cancer and chemotherapy and I know they eill always help where they can

hulahoop Sat 20-Feb-16 09:15:02

I wouldn't want to live with son or daughter they have their own families I would like to live in a retirement complex if I could afford being in remission from cancer don't think I will make really old bones anyway but that's fine with me ?

radicalnan Sat 20-Feb-16 09:16:23

Get some equity release and enjoy yourself while you can, no point leaving money to people who are a little detached and no point having money for the government to spend either. You may not need care and you are a long time dead.

Wilks Sat 20-Feb-16 09:18:39

This touches a very raw nerve as it is never as straightforward as it would appear. We currently have concerns about my elderly parents (90 and almost 92 respectively) Mum has fallen 6 times since November and broken hip, pelvis and rib on separate occasions and Dad is registered blind. Clearly it is not ideal that they continue to live independently but they want to. I live in a non English speaking part of Spain so the language would be a barrier with carers etc., they don't want to move to Wales where my sister lives and they don't get on with my sister in law, so options are limited. Over the years I have visited regularly and they have had some wonderful holidays with us. I have tried to give them treats such as outings and feel I have done my best to make their lives enjoyable. After the last crisis I rushed over to Wales where they were staying and my sister, parents and I spent many hours discussing possible ways forward, all of which have been subsequently rejected (their prerogative) and none of which made mention of a home.
I have to be honest and say that my sister and I have very little in common with our parents and 7 weeks with them has almost driven my sister to drink. Besides that my mother has always said that, much as she loves us, she wouldn't want to live with any of us. The feeling is mutual Mum!
They are at the moment on their way home and various forms of help will be organised on Monday, while my brother is there, so fingers crossed. They, especially Mum, are eternally optimistic and have booked to come to Spain for 2 weeks in July! God love us! Our fingers will be permanently crossed.
Sorry for the long post and I hope I haven't strayed from the original post too much but it has made me feel better for putting it out there. Needless to say any suggestions would be welcome.

ElroodFan Sat 20-Feb-16 09:21:13

I've told my children the only care I want is for them to check that my care home is looking after me. I most definitely do not want them to take me into their home.