Going into care.

I know my children would not have me living with them and to be honest it isn't what I would want either, but I am scared stiff of going into care, I hope more than anything to die before I need care.

That is really sad Morethan2. If your MIL has a severe dementia and she has been assessed under the Mental Capacity Act as not having the ability to make decisions about her care, she would be unable to manage at home and it would be very difficult for family to look after her themselves, as it seems she requires 24 hour care and attention to maintain her safety and wellbeing. I think you may have been thinking about the 'Deprivation of Liberty Act' which determines whether someone is being detained against their will. It is a complex piece of legislation which is not taken lightly. The bottom line really, is whether or not your MIL could manage at home with help or whether she requires the 24 hour care provided by a care home. If she is violent to staff I fear that even a residential home will be unable to manage her behaviour and she will need to be assessed and moved to a more specialised unit. None of us know what the future will bring for us, which as you say, is truly scary.

My MiL had no option, no choice and she's very very unhappy. She'd always been a bit eccentric and contrary so her decline was difficult to see coming. It was her physical condition that made it clear that was somthing was wrong. She refused any intervention, advice or help from the family. Last Year she started to loose vast amounts of weight and started collapsing and she was admitted to hospital. On the third occasion they wouldn't let her home saying she was too frail to look after herself. After lots of advice from professionals and meetings the family were told she may only have weeks to live and they recommend a care home. I think she was bed blocking and was moved to a lovely home. It was like a first class hotel. Had its own restaurant with waiter service. I'd have stayed there myself. She blossomed. Unfortunately she was forced to move because it cost a fortune (£1800) a week. The home she's in now is pretty grim although it got a 'good' cqc. She says she feels like a prisoner. She's started being violent and attacking the staff. She has dementia but I feel it's lack stimulation and freedom and that's she's angry. We live 250+ miles away her other son has power of attorney and there's an order ( I don't remember the name somthing about not having any Liberty) and has he made all the arrangements . I'm not blaming him he was advised and did what he thought was best. Her council house has gone, her daughter has to work full time as do we and the youngest son. The other two sons wouldn't contemplate taking her in. So what I'm trying to say in a long winded way is that we may think we may have a choice but in certain circumstances we won't. Now that's truly scary. This time last year she had a life and now...well she hasn't

I don't think children have an obligation to care for their parents - they didn't ask to be born. However, a loving child might choose to do so. I think the resentment comes when the parent assumes that using up a son or daughter's life to "keep their independence" is acceptable. If the adult child is struggling to cope with the arrangement then the parent need to rethink their situation. I hope I will recognise the signs and put myself into a care home when necessary. At the moment there is no need of help but I do wonder and worry about the future.

From what I've been reading and researching today, there seems to be a growing number of options that were not available just a few years ago, when it came to care. Then it was either very expensive private care, or NHS carers being sent every now and again, or full time care paid for on a means tested basis. When children jokily threaten "we'll send you to a care home" - this can become a very real worry once you start realising that you actually do need a bit of help in your old age!

Luckily being "sent to a care home" or opting for very expensive private care are no longer the only options...

New social entrepreneurial platforms like the one my friend uses for his mum, SuperCarers offer something different for carers and for people who need care. As they are not set up like old style private care agencies, you're not paying crazy amounts that are also for covering admin costs and overheads.

With traditional private agencies a large chunk of cash would be taken from carers, raising the costs of care. With new style social platforms, like the one I mentioned above, or others like Home Touch , they seek to lower the price of care by not taking a huge chunk of costs (they don't have the kind of overheads agencies have) thus lowering the cost of care and raising the wages of the carer. This attracts higher quality carers with good qualifications. SuperCarers also seem to seek to pair people with a carer they will get on with - understanding that if you're getting good company then your quality of life - and probably life expectancy - will improve.

If I ever need care, I'd opt to be with family if possible, but also supplemented by this kind of "person centric care" that focusses on the people, and not the profit margins.

My daughter and her husband work full time within the emergency services. They work unsocial hours and have 2 small children. Their life is a logistical nightmare at the best of times........I would never consider adding myself to the mix. My son on the other hand, is married with no children. He could conceivably work from home..........mmmmmm wait until I tell his wife!!!

My Mum moved in with me when she could no longer care for herself . It worked out well and I was glad to do it .
My children have told me that I will be welcome to live with them if the time arises . I feel I set a good example by looking after my own Mum !
My Mum looked after her MIL at home , in fact when I think back most generations of my family ( within my living memory) looked after a parent .
A retirement village doesn`t seem a bad idea if there is no alternative and you are quite fit and well but the idea of residential care worries me slightly ! I just hope I am well enough to live with my children if they still want me .

My parents moved near us in their old age in a bungalow two minutes walk from our house. My Mum was blind and died at 89 and Dad had dementia and died at 85. They lived for four years after relocating- Dad for 2 and Mum for 4. I called twice a day mainly especially when Mum was by herself. I spent at least an hour with my Mum each evening as she was lonely. I was also working. It was hard and I did get tired but I am so glad I did it. I didn't want either of them to go into homes. I never regret the decision to move them near me- 275 miles from their previous home. My husband was a great help and our sons helped out too to a small degree. They were grateful and appreciated that without my help they would have ended up in a home.

If I was designing a retirement place, I'd make it a small village.

There would be 2-bedroomed houses for those that wanted them, to buy. Ownership of one would automatically qualify for a regrading into a flat, when needed, closer to facilities (restaurant, cafe, pool, communal area, laundry, exercise/gym area) and then, when/if independant living becomes impossible into a supported living area with qualified care staff in hand.

It would, of course mean, you'd need to be able to afford this in the first place and your first bought property under the scheme would be used to pay for later moves or care, but it would remove the onus from children (though they'd lose out on some of their 'inheritance') but it could mean continued contact and support from friends made within this community.

You make sound like a treat for your children! Unfortunately we don't have crystal balls and don't know how we'll be in our final years. A relatively fit old lady, a severely disabled one or worse a mentally disturbed one. We might need to be flexible in our expectations. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. A voyage of discovery.

My children will look after me. We have discussed it at length I can feel less anxious about getting older. I was fearful about this as I dont feel I could be cared for by anyone else. I know many homes are excellent and some people enjoy the freedom and new friendships that come with being in a home. For some they can be places of safety and security and thats positive. I wouldnt deny my children their need to care for me. After all that is what people did for generations until society changed and blurred everything.

That sounds terrific Anya. If only there had been something like that around for my poor old MiL. She was so lonely and sad. We were in first thing and again in the evening and paid a carer to come in over lunch but it wasn't much of a life. Finally she had a bad fall and came back to life in a busy hospital ward. She loved getting involved with all the other patients and staff. Care at home is not the answer for everyone!

A widowed ex-colleague has just bought a flat in something that sounds very like this syn. She has a new lease of life, being able to meet other people (made a new best friend in the laundry area!) after being on her own for three years. But she can retreat to her own spacious little flat when she wants to.

A group of them meet up for coffee in the restaurant most mornings and there's a (quite advanced) Pilates class once a week in a separate room - none of this sitting in a chair waiving your hands to music. There's a swimming pool too, a communal garden and good shops within walking distance.

Yesterday we visited cousins who have moved into an 'assisted living flat' and I was very impressed. The flat itself was only one bedroom but was spacious enough with a good kitchen, generous bathroom a living room and good sized bedroom. Visitors can be accommodated in a flat on site which can be booked in advance. The cousins have bought their flat but pay a monthly charge which covers all kinds of things including heating, cleaning and use of the laundry facilities. There is a restaurant on site with good home cooked food available and a communal lounge with tea or coffee and eats available as required. Games of all kinds and also a social activities programme which they can join in with or not. It was lovely and they are really happy there. If necessary I think that is a viable proposition for us and would feel much happier moving into something like that rather than into a care home.
You have to 70+ to be eligible and it is independence with a support network. Our children will be most interested and I would hope supportive but it will be our choice whatever we do and when we feel the time is right.

Who knows?
At the moment my daughter has a job that takes up a lot of time. Her husband changed his job and now works roughly 9 till 5 so that he can be at home and have dinner ready when she gets home from work.
Sometimes, even when she had the 'flu, she worked from home.
I live quite a long way away, by myself. I have health problems. I also have some good friends. So for the foreseeable future things are fine.

I wouldn't want to live with any of my children, thank you very much.

I think we would drive each other up the wall.

Don't want to peg out before I have to.

A nice comfy residential home or retirement complex with all mod cons will suit me fine.

They can of course, come and visit. That would be allowed. Ha Ha.

Both my parents got ill and died fairly quickly so didn't need care for a long time,mum chose to stay at home and dad chose to go into hospital for the end of his life.
I told my Mil ages ago if she got so poorly she couldn't look after herself she could come and live with us,but she'd moved her own mum into her house 2 years before she died and she says she will never,ever put me or her daughter through that.it was an awful experience for her.
I would rather go into a home than live with my dd.welove each other dearly but have different ways of living and it would spoil our relationship.
We're all different!

My older 3 children all live in SE England with their families. DD3 lives here with her children in N.Ireland. There is NO WAY I would expect any of them to have to give up their lives to look after me. If I become physically in need of support or join the land of the bewildered, all I would expect them to do for me would be to find a good care home and come for a chat occasionally.

At least I think that is what I want. My poor aunt is sinking under dementia in a (very good, comfortable) home but is in a perpetual state of panic and wanting to 'go home' just like a little lost child.

my mother has emphatically stated that she will not go into a home ever and that the reason she had children was so we would look after her in her old age! I would never say that to my children let alone expect it!

I know someone who lives in a retirement village with her husband and they are very happy there. They have self-contained accommodation, plenty of social activities and help when they need it. Her DH has dementia so there is a constant support network. My SiL's aunt, who is disabled, is on the waiting list to live there too, apparently.

I would hate either of us to live with our children, though we love them dearly and I know they love us. Our son, especially, wears rose tinted glasses when it comes to the subject of care in old age and I doubt if my daughter would cope with it for very long, bless her! Hopefully, if it comes to it, there will be enough for a decent care home for whichever one of us might need it, though I don't think DH would last five minutes if he had to go in one. I'm with Anya's Aunt Isobel! Bring it on!

I don't think I would want to live with one of the children, even supposing they suggested it. A friend of mine had her Mil to live with them, at first all was well as she helped with the grandchildren a bit but later she seemed to become a nuisance and she told me she didn't feel she could ask an old friend to the house. My friend had a different view and felt Mil was very demanding and didn't want her and Dh to go out without her or watch tele in her own room, she was lonely. Looking at it from the outside I could see they were all unhappy and it rather put me off. My DM was in sheltered accommodation for some years and enjoyed the company, although I was in a similar position to anxiousgran with it all, we managed to keep her at her home, as she wished, but she died unexpectedly and none of us were there which I have found very hard to get over.

Does anyone or have thoughts of living in one of these Retirement Villages?

If so do you like it, as that is one option I am considering when I need help. I am also considering taking over my mother's flat once she departs, as it is quiet, off the road in some lovely grounds of an oold school, that is now the Home with care. So she gets her meals up when needed, help when needed etc.

It couldn't happen as both my children live some way away. There would be the option of moving into a care home nearer one of them (the other is not properly settled anywhere just yet) but as a cancer patient I don't think that I will live to see a ripe old age (I am 67 now).

Perish the thought no thank you never in million years !!
They wouldn't want me I wouldn't want to live with them, i want to go like my dad one minute at home the next in hospital and then gone.

The essential phrase is " If and when the need arises". When my mother in law went into a home it took two people with a hoist to do any thing with her. It wasn't something we could have coped with at home even if we'd had room for her. She had ended up unable to walk or stand because of the falls she had suffered at home trying to cope with the help of a carer several times a day.

When my grandmother was in her eighties she had two spinster daughters who were retired and lived with her to look after her. If you are a couple both working full time, with either your own children or grandchildren to help with there just aren't enough hours in the day.

My son in law assures me he's already got my care home picked out