Care home have asked Mum to leave

Thank you rachelmi. That's very reassuring. I'm glad that it worked out for your MiL, also my condolences.

Same scenario with my mother in law. She was 90 years old with and began to get 'difficult' with people in the home. One poor chap was unhappy as she thought that she was married to him!! But she hardly knew him. We did find a great new home to her, with wonderful staff, and although was not like a hotel, (as the initial home was) she was very comfortable and spent her last months in a much more appropriate and caring place. With hindsight we were so glad she was asked to leave the first home. My advise is to keep searching and trust your gut instincts.

Carly thanks for trying to help. I read the essay, so many of us have similar stories. The carers links are not right for us. Good luck to your friend.

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Hello again, I just wanted to let everyone know that my Mum is much more aware now. It's lovely that she speaks to me and enjoys having visitors. She is very much in the present though and the care home manager is still insisting that I find another care home for her. She told me yesterday that Mum's dementia is worse because she asks to go home and the ethos of the care home is that residents should be company for each other. There is no chance of her being at home on her own again it would be a backward step for me, it doesn't stop me feeing guilty though.
I have been taking my time with my search but will I will have to try a bit harder. I have no confidence in her present care home anymore.

Thank you for your replies witzend and Debbie
We seem to have turned a corner, mum can transfer to the wheelchair without the hoist now. Also she has started to speak and sometimes eat independently.
Nothing from care home manager to say they have changed their minds though.
I suppose it's because they still have to hoist her to the toilet and into bed.

Hi I am sorry the way your mum has been treated.I have worked in a care home for dementia and a home where residents need nursing care and I must say the ones I worked in the staff where great and hoists used and dementia residents unfortunately do lose mobility as do some eldery residents.but seriously to ask you to find another place for your mum is totally unacceptable. Surely all care home staff should be trained to use hoist and have a hoist available .I personally would ask why staff not trained and why no hoist?? I hope this helps at such a difficult time surely we should look after the elderly not cause stressx

We had an aunt in an 'ordinary' residential home where they asked us to move her when her behaviour started to bother the non-dementia residents. To be fair they had made it clear from the outset that this could be the case, but she was all right for the first couple of years.
She had begun to be a bit aggressive or overly 'in your face' with non dementia residents, who were mostly by definition frail and vulnerable, plus she was going into other people's rooms and helping herself to things - entirely to be expected with dementia, but of course the people without dementia couldn't be expected to put up with it.
We thought that moving her would be a nightmare, but the new home was lovely and in fact she settled there very quickly.
My mother went straight into a specialist dementia home, but then she was pretty bad by then - short term memory non existent and could no longer even make herself a cup of tea, so an ordinary residential,home would never have been an option.

Thank you so much, I will jg, you too

Good progress Nana3 - gathering knowledge and support improves our confidence and spurs us on.
I have been very pleasantly surprised and extremely grateful to have met some lovely people in my quest to help my DM. I hope your chat with the GP is a success. I always find it useful to have my questions written down and in front of me - it's easy to get flustered and forgetful when we know time is limited.
It sounds like you have the DN on your side too
Try to do something nice for yourself this weekend

GP had no time to speak to me today and will call me next Wednesday, she works part time so I can't do anything but wait.
Also managed to speak to the District Nurse who did the assessment of mum's needs and she has offered to do it again in two weeks with me present. She agreed with me that the Parkinson's needs more investigation because there is medication for it.
A little progress but no real solutions yet.

Thank you jg. I will let you know how I get on.

Oh Nana3 - I'm so sad to read this thread ? My DM has dementia and is still at home - we are getting good care/support from SS at the moment. But, my saving grace is her GP who is wonderful with her - It might be a good idea to speak to your DM's GP - if nothing else, maybe she can give you some comfort. I wish you well in the coming days/weeks .... ❤️

I've just read about a helpful GP on another thread. I am thinking that it would be a very good idea to ring my Mum's GP, she must be able to help and intervene on Mum's behalf.

I've been visiting Mum every other day at lunch time to help her to eat, I have 2 friends that go to help her once a week too. Since my dad died in November she has not spoken and stopped walking and now she has stopped eating and drinking more or less.
After today's visit I feel so sad and awful, my poor Mum, to be so unhappy and I can't get through to her or help.
She was assessed, without my presence, as not requiring nursing care and on the list of her problems is Parkinson's, does anyone know if this qualifies as an illness that needs nursing care? Years ago her GP said that by her gait he could tell she had Parkinson's but it's never been mentioned again.

I'm still planning it (googling brings up various templates) but thought of stipulating not being resuscitated, and not having surgery or other invasive treatment. I think I read somewhere that a directive requesting no food and drink has no legal force - and it sounds a miserable way to go, too, doesn't it? I also think you can request sedation if your behaviour becomes aggressive or abusive to others. Further research needed - hopefully I won't need it just yet.

What lifesaving treatment have you stipulated, Babyboomer?

You can refuse food and drink as well as medication. They have legal force.
Two doctors have to agree.

Thank you for your post annsixty sending and ((((hugs)))) xx

This is so tragic. My mother-in-law ended up in hospital because she became too much for her care home to cope with, but died before she could be transferred on. I'd hate to be in her position, but the trouble with assisted suicide is that I, and probably many others, would not want to take this step if I didn't have dementia, and if I did have it I would not be able to give informed consent. I am leaving an advanced directive that if I have a life-threatening illness I do not want to receive life-saving treatment if I have dementia, but I'm not sure how much legal force these directives have. Some people would argue that the person who made the directive is not really the same person who would receive, or fail to receive, treatment.

How awful for both you and your mom I think it is disgusting. I did not realise how much of a problem this is till I read yours and others posts, something really needs to be done. I hope you get some where sorted soon. Please keep us all updated.

I can only echo the wonderful Terry Pratchett - My life. My death. My choice.

Granjura - yes, yes, yes.

Such heartbreaking posts.....
My mum spent the last nine months of her life in a nursing home, she had lost all mobility following a fall.
Self funding for her as she didn't meet the criteria for help - which was crazy really as she needed 24 hour nursing care.
Nana3 I really hope things get sorted out for your mum - sending you a huge virtual hug

Agree totally Granjura, but options are limited. A trip to Switzerland? Tricky to get the timing right & any other intervention by third parties is illegal. My beloved horse and dog will have a better end of life if they need it.