Care home have asked Mum to leave

AnnieG:

What is the point of improved healthcare and longer life ....

as long as you can enjoy it, even in small ways. But for ME and me personally- beyond that stage I don't want it, sorry- there is indeed no point- Sorry if that offends anyone- but it is my deeply felt opinion and I would NEVER EVER NEVER want to impose this on my children and loved ones, beyond a certainly point... as there is NO point.

This is not ageism- it's just human common sense.

I cannot read all these heartbreaking posts. This is our own future we are discussing. What is the point of improved healthcare and longer life if this is what we have in front of us?

I looked after my mother in her last illness, lasting 3 years, because she begged me not to "Put me in a home" and I couldn't do it. She was so tiny and helpless. It made me very ill with stress and exhaustion and my own doctor advised me to give up on her. It took me a couple of years to recover.

She died in hospital just when she was about to be moved into one of the dreaded 'homes' as we call them, although I didn't see any establishments anything like my idea of a home.

The older amongst us Grans must all be living in dread.

A friend's mother was accepted in a care home, even though she has dementia, but the agreement is that my friend has to go in every morning for a few hours to help out, as her presence calms her at a time of day when her mother seems to feel most frustrated. She too has become bedridden, and gets very annoyed and angry, the staff aren't trained to deal with residents with multiple problems. My friend says she would rather be there calming her mother and helping out, than potentially having her slapped by a frustrated and exhausted staff member. She could move her, but visited the dementia unit and thought her mother would be terrified, as she still has moments of lucidity. She is pressured every few months to sell the house, but is living in it so that she can visit, her own life many miles away is on hold and the waiting list for places in her area is years long - her own house is completely unsuitable to care for her mother, she tried it for six months. My own mother is ill and rapidly becoming unable to get around, I really worry in anticipation, hearing all the stories of how hard it is to get help.

Try consulting your local office of Age UK,they are excellent at telling you your rights and what can be done.They supported a friend to win backdated funds when she had been denied by the home and the council.

my mum lived in what I thought was a loving caring home, that coped with Dementia patients but not immobility, at 92 following a fall in the home, broke her hip, care home would not accept her back , said they didn't have the facilities, she died in a hospital ward, surrounded by strangers, very sad

If people need nursing care then the NHS should be funding it through continuing care, so often people are fooled into selling their homes and self funding.

Self funders fare worse than people who are social services or NHS funded because their is no one to advocate for them.

Make sure you only have to pay what you need to.

England, Wales and NI for the Alzheimers' local groups.

I have no personal experience of the Alzheimers' Society but someone I know became involved because her husband developed dementia. They have local groups in England, Wales and NI. I'm unsure about Scotland

Alzheimers' Society
Devonshire House
58 St Katharine's Way
London
E1W 1LB

020 7423 3500
[email protected]

National Dementia Helpline: 0330 333 0804

I have a friend who's mother has now gone into a dementia care home as her need outweighed what the family could provide. She has an aggressive form and is only in her early 60s. She was an avid reader but stopped being able to do this, not even being able to engage with picture books. Sadly she seems to have also lost her sight recently as well. The home has a person that is employed to ' enrich ' the residents lives. Getting a craft going, having a singsong etc. My friend found out that the woman gets less than £50.00 a month for funds to do this. Sad.

I have no experience of care homes but what would happen if you couldn't find one to take her ? What happens to people who have no relatives ? I presume they couldn't discharge someone in these circumstances .
I worked in a psychiatric hospital in the 70`s and 80`s and there were wards of patients with Dementia but since they all closed down it seems the gravy train began . £1500 a week should cover any amount of care !
Thank god I was able to look after my Mum in my home , she did get attendance allowance which was about £200 a month which she gave to me but this meant that they stopped my pension credit !!!

I read the posts on this subject yesterday and during the evening received a message from a friend asking for my help in starting an appeal process. Her aunt, who has Alzheimers and is fully funded for her care by the Social Services, had been the subject of a review by them and they have pulled the funding because it seems her aunts condition has "improved". Apart from the fact that she's totally incontinent, aggressive to those she doesn't know and now doesn't know my friend or her (aunts) brother from Adam, the only improvement is that she now sees a GP regularly and her blood pressure is under control. Unfortunately the hardest part is going to be proving any of this as the home (£1500 per week for dementia care and slated in a CQC report) have been in my opinion negligent in their document and care record keeping and the Social Services attitude is that if it's not written down it didn't happen!
I really, really don't want to get old.

Good post ann.

Lyndyn so sorry, such a sad story, it should never happen. The coming move for my Mum has me very worried.
Thank you annsixty you've made me feel better, reassured. I want to cry though.

For anyone who considers caring for a parent with a high level of dementia I can only say think again. I care for an H whose dementia is at a relatively early stage. A partner who one loves is a very different type of commitment to a parent when one has other priorities like partner and children. You should not be torn between the two. You have your own life to live it.live it without guilt and visit your parent as much ax you are able. That is what they would want.

Lyndyn, so sad for you.

My mother needed total 100% care, like a baby, well before nursing care was funded! She had a catastrophic stroke, and lived. But the local (within walking distance of our home) 'high dependency nursing' care home refused to take her as she was too high dependency! I felt it was another bereavement!
The nursing home 'we' then found was wonderful and she was there for 8+ years. Then they sold the house n grounds for housing, true to comment good high qualified weekend staffing had been very hard to source. Mum was immensely distressed by the physical move, and I was not allowed to travel in the ambulance with her. She moved to her new nursing home on a Tuesday and died on the Thursday. It's all about money ie profit margins now.

Your mil's situation was similar to my Mum 's current one granjura. Thanks for explaining. I'm feeling more understanding of the care home's position, but I'm no nearer finding a place for her.
I decided last October that I couldn't manage at home with Mum, it would be a 24 hour a day caring role and my husband is still working. I help with GC Wednesday, Friday and Saturday every week. Mum had a wonderful retirement and really enjoyed life until her late 80's.

Yes. She had mild Alzheimers when she first went into the care home. She was still lively and happy, and loved to chat with the others and play games, etc. But when she got worse and her behaviour became difficult- the Manager called by sil in (we lived 3 to 4 hrs away, and sil 15 mins) and explained they were not set up to deal with advanced Alzheimer's, and as much as they had enjoyed having her, and how much the staff loved her- there was no option but to move her (I think in those days it was a part 3 care home) - a) due to regulations and b) because the atmosphere of the home would change dramatically if people with her behaviour stayed.

We understood that, as we ourselves, initially specifically looked for a place where other residents could chat and take part in activities, etc- and realised that- had we experienced residents like her- we would not have chosen that establishment for her initially. That is so hard, I agree.

We will never ever know how she died that very night. Sil got a call early am, just before her alarm went so she could go and pick up her mum and take her to the new place- to say she had passed early in the morning.
We were all in some way relieved that she didn't have to endure the move.

I hope it goes well.

Thank you Teetime I didn't know that the care home could lose it's registration and I can see that it's essential to meet the needs of the residents. I was told the problem is the lack of mobility and the need to use the hoist as it takes up too much time.
Mum looked so sad today, she just sits with her eyes closed all the time. But I'm sure it's grief that makes her that way more than anything. I took 5 year old granddaughter and mum's face lit up for a brief minute when she saw her.
granjura was your mil asked to leave when the dementia progressed?
I will find out about re- assessment durhamjen, social services are coming to do a financial assessment on Tuesday.

As my dementia suffering mother's carer I find the very term "dementia friendly" very demoralising in this context. We want research, treatment and cures. Of course understanding is good but specialist nurses, treating it with equality to a physical disease and sufficient support for carers would go a long way. Please Conservatives stop patronising and take this cruel disease seriously.

(thank you for the link Jen)

Well, I'd like to!! ?

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/mar/06/uk-dementia-friendliest-country-jeremy-hunt

Who believes this?

By the way, both times my mother in law moved to a new home it was from hospital; the first time she had had a stroke and was less mobile, the second she had fallen and broken her hip.

My 94 year old mother in law is now in her third home, and it's impossible to have a conversation with any of the residents in this home. However, she has dementia, and is often comatose with the medication to calm her down. Other times she shouts a lot, but so do many of the other residents.

She was self-funding to start off with two years ago but is now fully funded.
She has two sons, one of whom was not bothered about having her reassessed. The other organised all the social worker interviews, etc., and got the full funding because of the deterioration.

Nana3, you need to get her reassessed.