Ageing parents

My Mother in law who is 88 years old is the carer for her 79 yr old husband, he has so much wrong with him and by the doctors words he shouldn't be alive, it is very stressful for her, I do all her cleaning and washing etc, she is still very independant so I do as much as I can without her feeling inadequate (her words) she goes out with friends a couple of days a week whilst I do jobs in the house and take care of her husband, and my hubby helps out at weekends, he has two sons but they only visit occasionally and they live local we have spoken to them but say that everything seems to be taken care of so not a lot they can do, it is very difficult but when social services visited they said the same. I also look after three grandchildren.

My problem is not ageing parents but ageing sister. She is 12 years older than me, 86 years, and without being unkind we have never been close. I had another sister 9 years older who died some years ago and I think they were close as they grew up together. She has multiple health issues, and I mean multiple, and in the last 13th months has broken both her wrist and her hip. I have arrange a helper every day, physio in the home, home help and call button, and all the home aids available. Some days she is not too bad, others she is confused. I do her shopping and for everything else she says "my sister will do it". Unfortunately, she forgets that her sister is getting older, I have lost over a stone in the last few months. My DH is so very good and keeps her house running but there has been quite a few problems with the house recently and he says it is like trying to run two homes. I guess a care home might be the answer but to be truthful I think it would finish her. So sorry for the rant but the last few days have been rather stressfull, and I do feel rotten about it. Feel better now I have got that off my chest!!!

I would add that she is near so I visit her very day which makes it easier.

Like my parents before me- the thought of going into a home or even sheltered accom gives me the willies. I want to live in a mixed community, with all sorts of people and all sorts of ages, children and youngsters too. But I don't want to be burden to my children as they have their own lives to lead. Of course I want them to be there, visit, support- but I dont want them to spend their lives caring for me/us. My dad was never aware of how much pressure he put on me, and therefore on DH and our children. He never knew I gave up my Senior management job, then changed jobs- as I couldn't cope and didn't want it to impact on my students.

So we are doing everything we can to adapt our home to be manageable in every way we can- and also are beginning to have help with the house, etc. When the time comes, we will be getting home help here- much much cheaper than going into an OAP home. This house woudl also be suitable to have a couple or family to live in separately if need be.

And then, as we live in Switzerland - we have the choice about end stage too.

If we do go back to UK at some stage, either to be nearer DDs and GCs- or because the falling £ (Brexit!) forces us to- we will always keep a small apartment here- so that option would always be there for us.

Soon hard this one! My mother refused to move closer to us when my father died and my children were small (I am an only child). Apparently her friends could not do without her and were more important. When it came to needing some help/care in the early stages of dementia,her friends were no where to be seen and I was working shifts! The 250 mile round trip to see her took some arranging! I had numerous calls from neighbours saying she was locked out or her milk was still on the step - not easy to deal with from a distance! Mum was frequently sacking the care workers i arranged, forgetting her meds/appointments etc. It was all enormously stressful and ended with her falling in the street and breaking her shoulder, the hospital would not let her be discharged home so the decision was taken out of her hands and she ended up in a care home close to us.
Good luck with it all, you have my sympathy

If you are looking for what is available near you this index where you put in your post code may be useful

www.housingcare.org/housing/index.aspx

I was lucky and had spare room downstairs. My mother lived with me for her last 2 years - dying 2 months after her 100th birthday. She had care morning and evening and on days that I was out mid day. She paid us the bedroom rate for no tax. We went on holiday together. It was a very good last 2 years.

It is with interest I've been reading the above messages I'm in a position where I work full time and my sister and I have mum in a dementia home after four very hard years she is89 and does nit know us but we both visit twice a week my mother in law is 93 and getting frail and not wanting to go in a home but now is needing us more and more I do shopping cooking pay bills washing etc but what she really wants is company? She too insists she is not wanting to leave her home.

My parents are Italian, living in Rome. My dad is 92, a doctor, and is fortunately in great physical and mental shape. My mum, 87, has gradually declined into a severe state of Alzheimer's over the last nine years. In Italy, going into a home is a real taboo...elderly people remain with their families in general. And more importantly, my father would not hear of it. Unlike my UK mum-in-law, who had everything organised to the last detail, including the hymns and dress code for her memorial service, and who should get which silver spoon, my father refuses to talk about the big D, apart from saying 'oh you three will sort it all out'.

In our case, my sister and I live thousands of miles away, in Texas and Ghana respectively, and my brother, who lives only hundreds of miles from them, travels all over the world gor his job.

My dad is fiercely independent, but has reluctantly agreed to increased help over the years, and they now have a full time Bulgarian carer, who is wonderful, but exhausted, as my mum is a dead weight. My dad insists that everything carry on 'as normal', with set getting up, meal, and walk routines which are sometimes extremely difficult to comply with.

My dad, who played tennis way into his eighties, climbed Kilimanjaro 10 times between the ages of 50 and 60 (they were living in Tanzania then), jogged regularly before jogging became fashionable, recorded the dawn chorus, printed his own black and white photos, made furniture including operating tables and babies' cots for his remote hospital, is now solely focussed on my mother, and conversations revolve around what she has or hasn't eaten, etc. he spends his days sitting beside her, holding her hand and watching garbage on TV.

We siblings visit as often as we can, my brother goes for frequent weekend visits, I go for about a week every two months, and my sister three or four times a year, with a long stay in the summer. Various grandchildren who happen yo be passing through Rome will stay with them occasionally.

One great thing we do is we sublings have a transcontinental Skype session once weekly with my dad.

We are lucky in that although we are far apart, we are very close, and my mum's illness has brought us closer. We are lucky that we all agree that my dad's wishes must be respected. This is very tough, and ther's no easy way.

I understand that live-in carers are the norm in Italy, but not in the UK...I do hope that all the posts on here will give you some comfort and perhaps help you in your way forward.

Cath9 That sounds like a wonderful arrangement. I wonder if you could give the name of the building/ home. My parents are getting increasingly frail and something like that sounds just right.

This is a common concern, I am really sorry to hear of your worries. When when you live some distance from parents it's often difficult to co-ordinate help and even to begin to know where to look for it. I am not sure where you mum is based but I work for a new social enterprise called ILA (Independent Living Advisers) based in the West Kent and surrounding area. It was actually set up as a result of the founders, all in their 50s having the same issues you are having with elderly parents in varying stages of poor health. They found there was a real lack of support out there. Feel free to take a look at our website www.ila.life and message me if you have any questions. Warm wishes Hazel

What is of concern, is that people in their 70's are looking after people in their nineties. No one can run two homes, I am afraid Millie, you have to put your husband first, if something happened to him where would you be. Your sister has to realise this and alter her living arrangements whether she likes it or not.my husband used to run himself ragged driving 200 miles each way each month with me, shopping, gardening etc.for his parents not in their seventies, although they had a daughter 6 mikes away who did nothing. Both his parents outlived my husband, who never got to retirment age.

Yes lucky if DH was not around I don't know what I would do. It was said to me the other day that often people of our age start to need a little help themselves, not be expected to care for someone older. A new round of hospital appointments for her started this week, thank goodness DH and I can still drive. I rather feel that DH and I need our time together now we are older as you never know what the future holds. I think that the way things go what will happen with her may be taken out of our hands, but my problem is that I do feel guilty, she is my sister so I feel I should do it.

Agree with all the above. Definitely ask SSD for a community care assessment if Mum is willing. This will list her needs and they will suggest ways of meeting them - they do not immediately suggest a residential home as they know that many elderly people do not want this.

However I have to say that if a home is chosen with great care, it can be an excellent option. I know many people who have blossomed in residential care - cheerful staff to take all the burdens of life off you, other people to talk to, built in entertainments, no house or garden to look after etc. You do have to choose with care and it is often the scruffiest homes that are better than the posh ones - it is all about the staff and the atmosphere in the place. My parents individually at different times did eventually go into the same home that was lovely - it seemed a bit rough and ready in some ways but it was like a real home - they were both very happy there and we blessed the staff for their kindness to them and indeed to us.

It's always tough being so far away, have you looked into something like the 3rings plug? It's basically a small plug that attaches to a regular plug. So for example, if you know that your mother regularly watches TV or boils a kettle you can attach it to those, then if they aren't used for a little while you'll get an alert of your phone to let you know. It can give some peace of mind being able to see that they're okay while you aren't in direct contact.

There's also a 4 week free trial available right now with no obligation to buy afterwards. It's worth taking a look at the website, www.3rings.co.uk and seeing if it's something that could help you

A home isn't the only alternative. There is a range of alternative living alternatives from living independently in a flat in a retirement complex to similar accomodation with increased levels of support and supervision. Look at retirement villages which will have a care home on site as well as flats and houses and you can buy in care incrementally in your home until a care home place is indicated.

Decisions around caring for ageing parents can be so difficult, not least because they are incredibly emotionally charged before you even consider the financial options. Of course, it is important to take into account your parents wishes, and it is certainly right to respect them, but you shouldn't let that negatively impact you if the safer alternative is increased care. I think most of us agree that we would rather have our independence and not need care but often having a live-in carer or even a full-time carer can help enormously. It has the added benefit of retaining independence whilst also providing the emotional and physical support we often need in old age. I know that part-time carers helped my grandparents enormously in the last few years and meant that they didn't have to move into a care or nursing home.

Looking at apartments for over-55s or similar properties can also be a positive option as it provides your parents with their own independent living space but also the company of other similarly aged people. My Gran spent a few years in sheltered accommodation before moving into a care home (due to dementia) which provided a useful transition into the inevitable care home as she had time to adjust to reduced independence.

And don't forget to apply for support and needs assessments and Carer's assessments form your local authority as you never know what help you may be entitled to unless you ask. Independent financial advisors who specialise in care can also be a great asset when contemplating the financial aspects of care - it certainly helped make funding my grandparents care easier.

You always need to make sure you look after yourself when considering all options as it is not fair for you to suffer or become ill from stress when trying to look after an elderly parent who may unfortunately not be able to properly care for themselves any longer. These are always difficult conversations to have but approaching them sensitively and listening to all sides can help the situation to be resolved positively.

I hope some of this advice helps, it's just from personal experience but might ring true for some of you!

Twilly - a very relelvant topic. You're in a similar position to or daughter (one of 3 children) who does her best. With us at the moment
Another person here who started to lose confidence at age 80. Compounded by a car accident, which upset me a lot.
But husband, who is slightly younger, is soldiering on. He does tire more quickly now.
I think I'm getting my confidence back now, but recovery is so much slower than when you're young.

My mum who is 90 on Sunday lives in a care home.
Due to ill health she is bedridden 24/7 doubly incontinent and sleeps all day only being woken to be washed and fed etc.
She looks like the living dead and it's not fair. I just want her to close her eyes and pass away as this could go on for years
I visit regularly and regularly just sit by her bedside and cry at the futility of it all.
People tell me I shouldn't get upset as she isn't my mum, buts that just it she is.
Am I awful to wish her life to end?

Not at all curly don't beat yourself up. Your mum would probably wish the same if she could tell you
Sadly, some bodies are tough and won't give out even though the spark has gone

I agree with mawb, such a sad situation for you both. .

Some 12 years so it became increasingly obvious that my mum had dementia and that my dad - who at 10 years older - needed help we were lucky enough to be able to move them Into sheltered housing where all my mum did was run away - how she managed to get into central London from where we lived is still a mystery
However when she became doubly Incontinent and starting hiding dirty knickers everywhere and was still sort of aware that she was doing this she went into the local hospital to be assessed - thankfully she stopped eating and so it didn't last too long before the end came - maybe I sound Callous but it was for the best
My dad at 90 still driving and still as alert as ever lived Very happily in a brand new sheltered housing block where he and a pak discovered they could hire mobility scooters and so drive to Southend hired scooters and drive up and down the seafront like tearawayss
He sat in his chair and died one evening quite happily and peacefully

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.