Near the end of my tether

I used to work in care home. Unless you talk with the manager or others in charge of the care home the staff does not know that you need their help with regard to these calls. Communication with the management and yourself is important and helpful on both sides. All the best.

When he is gone you will want be able to say that you did everything you possibly could for him. Well done and try to keep going...i had my Mum living with me she developed vascular dementia... i still think i didn't do enough but so glad that i did what i could.

Hi and I'm so sorry. Having been through something like this but more extreme, with my mother, I completely get where you're coming from. You can only do so much and having him on your case all the time is too much. So I'd suggest that you have a chat at the care home and say that they just need to know that you may not be able to keep answering the phone all the time and that you may not be available every single day, so that they know the situation. I'm sure they will be very supportive. Then tell your dad the same-you don't need to explain in detail-and then carry this through. Good luck.

My brother went through this as well with my dad. Dad had to give up the home he actually built himself to go into a home. He had broken a second hip and as I was not living in the US, could not come and care for him, so he was in a convalescent home and got MRSA in his heel! So he was wheelchair bound after that as he could not put any pressure on his foot for months till the sore closed. By then, his AMD was totally bad and he could not get around even if he was not in a wheelchair.

So... my brother found him a place in a great home, near the sea. He visited him every day as, like you, it was just minutes from his work. I was getting a phone call here in the UK from dad almost every day. (He had internet access but could not see to use his computer any more sadly).

My dad was a very social person, and after 6-7 months began to enjoy the company of the staff, and they liked him. As did the ladies LOL, as he was only one of two men. He played piano there all the time. After about a year, he said to my brother that he hoped there was enough money to keep him there as he really liked it. My brother still took him for rides and went past his old house, and other places he used to to with my mother, but he knew he was in the best place possible. He had three years there. That is about average for a nursing home resident (not cast in stone...just an average).

Looking back I often was a bit 'inconvenienced' by his calls because of the time difference (midnight or later!) but kept telling myself that he raised me and loved me, warts and all, and he was doing the best he could with a new and strange situation. If he had been coping with dementia, I am sure this would have been more difficult if not impossible for him to settle.

I still miss him and wished we had gone a month earlier as he died the month before we were to travel to see him.

I left off the last paragraph!

You are doing the best you can, so do not beat yourself up over this. Dementia is hardest on the survivors and you are doing well. You need to look after your own health, too. (((hugs)))

eddiecat78 as with others here I have also worn that particular t shirt and sometimes it was very uncomfortable. As others have said make friends with the paid carers. They see your Dad throughout the day and may well see a different side to him than you do. I know dementia changed my mom's behaviour. You have to take care of yourself because if you don't you won't be able to support your Dad. I can remember being given the advice sometimes to go home. Once it's all over the good memories will return. I now remember my lovely mom as she was not as the person she became laid low with Parkinson's and dementia. Hugs

So sorry eddiecat such a difficult situation for you, you have my sympathy we managed to keep mum in her own retirement flat but the consequence was I was on 24 hour call, so difficult always phoning - until - when she should have called she didn't. I hope you get some help from the care home managers. By the way do get the IBS checked out or checked again there must be a reason its so bad, can't be helped by all the stress.

Tessa101 So sorry to hear you still miss your dad after 25 years but it does have the upside of not having them wear you down as you get older. There have been times in the past few years when although I love my parents dearly I have resented them and their demands. I am 71 myself and not so young anymore and having my parents so close means I don't get to seem much of my granddaughter who lives 200 miles away.

thanks so much for everyone`s kind thoughts. I was particularly taken with Nemosmum`s comment that I can`t change Dad but I can change my reaction to him. I think that is something I definitely need to work on. Part of the problem is that I had about 5 years before he went into the home when I had to be on call to him all of them time incase he got into difficulty. So now he still thinks it is down to me to sort everything out rather than the care home (and to be fair, I probably also think that to an extent - I need to get out of the habit!)
The care home has been fantastic and do their best to keep him occupied - I don`t really feel under any pressure from them to do things for him. I can`t take his mobile off him as he does use it to phone other people too and says he would feel cut off without it (although there is a landline he can use). I am going to stop answering all of his calls though - he usually leaves a message anyway.
I`m off to see a consultant about the IBS next week (have already seen many) but I`m sure that being constantly on edge isn`t helping
Thanks again Ladies

Do not feel that you have to visit every day. TBH if he has a degree of dementia he might not know when you last visited. I know that sounds harsh, but it is realistic.

Your IBS is a sure sign of stress. Go to your GP who I am sure will give you a prescription to ease the discomfort but there are ways in which your diet can also help so don't just rely on a prescription.
How long has your father been in the home?To reach 94 is an achievement and if he was previously an active person he must feel caged in. The reason he keeps phoning is like a child who when put to bed will keep calling,
ie, a drink /can I have the light on /I need the toilet. Anything, just so they know you are there.
Is it so difficult to let him phone you once a day?
Of course you can't visit every day but as it appears the dementia is in the early stages allow him some contact until the day comes when he won't even recognise you let alone phone you.
Walk a mile in another's shoes.

When my DH was transferred from Hospital to a lovely Nursing Home (he had terminal cancer) one of the first things Sister said to me was "don't feel you must come in every day, just pop in when you want to". Best advice I could have had, I only lived about 5 mins away.

At first he would chat when I went in but gradually he lost interest in everything, his love of horse racing, reading the newspaper & watching tv. I did get him a radio which he enjoyed.

As time went on (he was only there 2 months before he died) he lost interest in everything, hard to communicate with so my visits become quite short. My Step-D once said to me "couldn't I take a book & sit with him", she had no idea how hard it was to watch him deteriorate.

Your own health is important, talk to care staff, they will understand & may actually prefer you not to go in every day. Keep your phone off or don't answer it unless you really want to & try to have a break, carers need caring for as well

My mum has vascular dementia and lives in a home about 50 miles away. I visit weekly as does my sister who lives about 20mins drive away from her.
One of the simple things that has helped a lot is buying her a large wall calendar where we write when we have visited, it also has her appointments on it and anyone else who visits knows to mark it down to remind her when she last saw them.
As I never know what aspect of mum I will find on any given day, I always take my 'visiting mum' bag which has any post/paperwork for her; nice handcream to give her a hand massage; nail file, nail varnish & remover; a magazine to leave with her if appropriate; bird seed to top up her bird feeder (stuck on her window); a drink for me; marker pen; scissors; bluetak (for sticking up cards, photos, etc.); I also add whatever craft project I'm working on - usually knitting or petitpoint which can either help pass the time if she is rambling/asleep or provide a talking point if she is more alert.
It's hard but you have to accept that what you see is what you're going to get that visit. I wish anyone who is doing this regularly all the very best. (flowers)

Should have used square brackets!!

There are so many books on how to bring up a baby - but seemingly nothing on supporting and caring for elderly parents. It's not just the emotion of watching the decline of someone who you love and respect, but also dealing with Social Services, claiming benefits, sorting out their home, etc. I found myself feeling so inadequate trying to claim what I thought mum was entitled and knowing I was being manipulated and obstructed by the system rather than supported by it. Add this to the everyday problems of the rest of the family and trying to support them and the stress is bound to tell. Your own health slips way down the priority list. But it's very important. The quote about fixing your own oxygen mask before helping others is very apt. My DD2 printed it out for me and stuck it by our phone! Look after yourself.

Nfk - you are so right about the lack of information. We have just sold Dad`s home and I have often felt that I haven`t got a clue what I am doing! Dad`s comment when the sale went through was "Well that was easy wasn`t it"!!!
I am also very resentful now towards my brother who seems totally oblivious to the amount of time all of this is taking - to be fair he does live 3 hours away but he could have done considerably more over the years.
Meanwhile - as Nfk said - there is still your own husband and children to support and your own home to run.
Anyway - after all of your comments I am now determined to make some changes - wish me luck!

Oh Eddiecat, I really feel for you. Been there, done that. Both my parents had dementia, but dad was the one who did just what your dad is doing. I think it's because they are frightened so trying to sort things in their own minds helps a little bit.
I can't really add to the really useful comments which others have made, other than to say, have you looked at Talking Point, the Alzheimer's Society forum. It got me through many a stressful time.
I can also really empathise with your comments about selling the house - we didn't really know what we were doing, similarly with the Power of Attorney which we needed to get for mum and dad, but we did it. Not sure quite how, but we did! You have too.
I also would try, for the sake of your own health, not to dwell too much on what your brother did or didn't do. That's gone and can't be fixed now. I have many, many regrets regarding my mum particularly, which I am still dealing with 5 years later. I know it's a waste of a worry session though. What's done is done.
Good luck with it all. You know we're here and so will the lovely people who are on Talking Point. xx

Sorry, that should have said "so are the lovely people ..."