Can't cope sometimes

Annsixty, I think we should give people a little leeway here. I think everyone should be able to comment regardless of whether that they have read and taken in every word.

Regular posters know you are a thoroughly nice woman Ann. Posters should always read the WHOLE thread before commenting.

I do wish so much that people would read through the thread before posting it is very tiring, very wearing and very very annoying.

Hi, I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if this is repetitive! That’s really a lot on your plate all at once. It’s awful how life dumps so much on us sometimes isn’t it. All I can say is, from my own similar experience, take care of yourself in all of this. Don’t do what I did and feel you have to make it all right for everyone.That kind of stress eventually made me very unwell and drastically affected my life, from which I am still reeling, years on. Know that you can’t control all that will happen, nor be there for everyone all the time. Measure out your caring so that some comes to yourself as well. Not instead...just as well.❤️

That was a bit harsh Annesixty

Luckyrose, keep writing, some times, just having a rant helps. I find people like you and annsixty humbling. I have done my share of caring, but not with the intensity either you have done and I found it exhausting.

When finally we decided that my aunt and uncle were not safe at home and we moved them into care, I went to visit them to find myself solemnly arraigned before them, told they considered me responsible for their move into care and I was not to visit them again, they didn't want to see me. I almost skipped out of the home with relief. I knew it wouldn't last. Three weeks later they were inquiring where I was because they hadn't seen me for ages, so back I went.

Welcome Luckylegs
I think I understand a little.
Like you I had a father with no hearing, blind suffering with vascular dementia.
Also caring for my mother in-law with age related dementia (92)
In the middle of all this my daughter was having major problems re her pregnancy with her first child.
I was so worried about my daughter that I was actually cross with both parents.
Irrational I know.
Is it possible that this is how you feel.
Your first instinct is for your daughter but you are over whelmed with the parents conditions.
And this has sapped your energy.

Hopefully all will be well with your daughter .
Then a few deep breathes.
It maybe time to consider some help and advice to move forwards with your mother's care.

good luck x

H

Luckyrose, I don't really have any practical advice to offer that hasn't already been mentioned, but can understand the need to rant when things get on top of you. You are coping with a lot of your own health problems and life is made that bit harder when you have other people and their needs to worry about too. Back to that age old saying about 'who cares for the carers?' Maybe take a little bit of time-out for yourself and try to cut off from the problems - even a very short hiatus gives you a minute to just breathe and think more clearly later on. I hope things improve for you and that things go well for your daughter, as much for your sake as for hers. Gransnet is a good place to rant and people are generally supportive - I hope that you will find some small comfort in the support we show - even reading and replying briefly to posts shows people do care.

Sorry to hear about all your problems ! I hope your daughter will be ok ....please don't worry too much in advance...the 3 hour appointment is quite common and is much better than being sent home, recalled for more tests, then recalled for the resut ...although it might feel apprehensive it is the very best idea ...good luck ! It must be difficult with your mum as well ..you have so much on your plate at the moment ...care of the elderly is in dire straits and the government even refused any mention of it in the budget which is scandalous ! If all the overseas care workers have to go 'back' I wonder how many others will be willing to do that work for the low pay ...a lot of attention is given to the needs of children, but not a lot at the other end of life sadly ! My OH has Parkinsons with lewy bodies (like dementia) he is now 84 and thing are getting difficult. I belong to a forum for sufferers and carers and found a lovely poem on there which I printed out to remind me that when I lose it and want to shout scream and bang my head on the wall in frustration it is not his fault :

Do not ask me to remember
Don't try to make me understand
Let me rest and know your'e with me
Kiss my cheek or hold my hand
I'm confused beyond your concept
I am sick, and sad and lost
All I know is that I need you with me at all cost
Do not loose your patience with me
Do not scold, or curse my cry
I can't help the way I;m acting
Can't be different, though I try
Just remember that I need you
That the best of me is gone
Please don't fail to stand beside me
Love me till my life is done

I found this really moving ......I think we do try to remember what it must be like for the sufferers especially when they have days when they can remember their life as it was ....our turn will come when we get old .....bon courage

Luckyrose62....

You have been a good daughter and your mother is lucky to have you. The issue with your daughter seems to have put you over the edge with everything else that has been thrown on your plate. Unfortunately, you don't have enough information on that front, so why dwell on worst case scenarios?

Would it help if I told you that most breast lumps turn out NOT to be cancerous? If perchance however, the lump is more serious, it still won't be the grim illness that cancer was decades ago. Today, people are LIVING with cancer; not dying from it. There are revolutionary new treatments for breast cancer and more importantly, they are also less invasive.

With regard to aging parents and ill health in general, we all have our crosses to bear, some heavier than others and especially as we get older. They can be so overwhelming at times, that the positive things in our lives become insignificant by comparison.

So, take a deep breath right now and make a mental list of all the things in your life that are good because they are important too....and no matter what happens, visualize the day that your daughter regains her good health.

Sending you healing thoughts, prayers and a virtual hug.

I tell you what struck a chord with me luckyrose and that is when you mentioned the guilt. When we were trying to manage Mum's last four years the guilt was terrible. No matter how much you do it never seems to be enough and I used to drive off after a visit feeling horrendous. Having to leave such a frail old person locked in their home, virtually unable to communicate due to the deafness and totally unpredictable. It just felt all wrong and on the hour and a half drive home I used to beat myself up over it every time. In retrospect (she passed away two years ago) we did our very best. The reality was she really needed full time care and it just wasnt possible. I am sure you are doing your best too and thats all you can do as a human being.

I have been there --the final straw is the uncertainty for your daughter .You need to try to do something for yourself.
Could you talk to a good friend over lunch,friends get you through so many things,try to read your favourite magazine,too hard to read a book.Are you able to take a walk ?Do something nice for yourself .Maybe see your doctor to explain the situation,your condition will not be helped by stress so please make an appointment.
We will all be thinking good thoughts for you,look after yourself your very important.

Your daughters appointment is 3 hours because she will see a doctor, maybe have a mammogram if that hasn't been done, then a scan so they can find the lump and take some biopsies which if you get the result the same day will have to be examined. Sounds a good system, I waited a week for the results. Sorry if others have already answered the question.

Your caring responsibilities, you deserve a rant. Where did it all go wrong, what is the future for us.

The fact that the LA does not have much money has no relevance at all - do not let them fob you off with that. Legally they have to meet her needs.

If you think your Mum would be best served by joining her relatives in the home you have described as being good, and herself is willing, then there is nothing standing in her way, except the existence of a vacancy there.

SS must assess her, both for her needs, and also for her finance (which will determine how it is paid for) and then you can approach the home. She really does sound as though she qualifies on the basis of need; and that her contribution will be small and affordable..

I'm pleased you are having a better day, we all have days when things get us down and the last straw is reached.
We must all hope that the good days outweigh the bad.
My H drew the curtains yesterday evening and said " is it time for bed now?" It was 5:15pm and then he thought it was 5:15am. I managed to keep him up until 9pm.
Last weekend he was in bed at 8pm both Sat and Sun, the thing is he expects me to go as well.

Thanks I am feeling so much better. Just one of those days. Mum has refused the continence pads so we are just using pull ups like we have for the last 2 years. She said I am not having anyone messing with me. I told her it's for her to put the pads on . She said they rode up in the night. She would of only got 3 a day anyway. 3 miles away in another town they get 4 a day??? Thanks again all and annesixty yes I was a bit harsh and stressed.

luckyrose62
Who is looking after your mum in between your visits.?
I lived 300 miles from my late mum so she was given adult social care. Had she gone into full time care this would have been funded by the state as the flat she was living in was rented and not her own. But any savings she had would have been used for care home fees. Your mum will not be left to fend for herself I guarantee.The UK is not a third world country.I don't know your mum's financial situation but she clearly needs 24hour care Have you not looked into this.? As for your daughter I can understand your worry but many of these lumps are benign and aspiration of the lump is usually done first and the fluid then tested Been there so can understand your concerns Please please try to be positive.

Try and stay positive about your daughter. I had a similar thing 6 months ago - the 3 hour appointment was for a breast scan, ultrasound and needle biopsy, then chat with consultant. At least you know they're doing everything to check it out. Thankfully it was nothing. I hope your daughter has a good result.

Lucky Rose, regarding your daughter, try to block out any worry thoughts by distracting yourself. When I went to get a lump checked out, I was surprised how common it is. I met two past acquaintances who were also there. We were all cleared. I tend to over think,so I know how important it is to control negatve thoughts or ants as they are referred to.

It is hard in a different way if there is a distance. My mother rang me last week to say that she had been run over by her wheelchair which she forgets to turn off and has staples in her head. She is in Canada and I am not well enough to travel. She has a brilliant care agency but she can't afford to have them in every day and she turned nasty when I offered to pay for some extra time. She said 'no one will help you when you're my age so you need your money'. She has always been a bit of a martyr but not it is a real problem. A friend visited her a couple of days ago so she was quite cheerful but often isn't.
You can only do so much. Fighting with the authorities can be the worst of it and I am grateful that I haven't had to do that.
Don't expect more from yourself than you are capable of.

luckyrose That sounds like a dreadful lot of worry for you. Do rant on if it helps you feel better.
I think many of us have had a rant on GN when very stressed. Sending a supportive (((hug))) if it helps .

From hearing other people's experiences I think it's hard not to lose patience with people with dementia. It might help if you remember it's not your mother doing annoying things, it's something that's imposed itself on her, doing annoying things to both of you. I dread dementia so much that I sometimes wonder if everyone wasn't better off before we had all this dietary and exercise advice and used to die of heart attacks in middle age before all these old age things got to us.

Luckyrose, it sounds like you are getting really stressed out with everything which is not good particularly for you because of your MS.

I hope all goes well for your daughter at the hospital.

If you haven't yet then get a full assessment for your mother as it seems maybe a care home would be the best place now and would be peace of mind for you maybe.

I also think you need to find some form of stress free therapy to suit yourself. This is important for you to manage your own health and cope with stresses which can appear much greater when you are not coping.

Hi Luckyrose, Believe me I understand just how you feel as I have a daughter, living on her own some 55 miles round trip away. She has all the same medical problems plus she is type diabetic and seizures. She does have carers, good one but she is hard work and I feel so guilty, not sure what about but guilty. I was 70 this year and have my own health problems and at long last I have managed to step back and the guilt and worry is nearly gone. I have done as much as I can. I just hope you find a way to feel better about the situation, it’s not easy. Rant on gn as much as you like, we will always listen