Tipping Point

So glad you are feeling more positive today Granny23. Looking after someone with dementia can be tough, rewarding, hysterical and whole lot more. I came downstairs one morning to find that my Grandad had left a little walnut whip package on each of my cream, dining room chairs. I could not believe my eyes or my ears when he asked indignantly (with his trousers and pants round his ankles) "Who on earth would do such a thing?" Now, although I couldn't eat a walnut whip to save my life, I still have a little giggle when I see one!

Hugs x

I think the more people share what it is like living with a person suffering from dementia the better.

It seems that for much of the time, trying to keep the person calm by humouring them is an effective way of getting through the day. An outsider coming across this happening though is likely to wonder what is going on, so if the more people talk about it, then the more people will realise it's quite a common thing when dementia is involved.

My Mum visits an old friend with dementia in a care home who was the headmistress of the local school. The lady doesn't recognise any of her many visitors, but she is quite happy to see everyone. The home gave my Mum some good advice about getting the most out of her visits. Mum says it feels rather artificial, but she cares enough for her friend to keep going to see her.

I can't add much that others haven't already said, and my most recent experience in related matters was caring for my nan who had dementia (she thought I was my sister for a while then didn't have a clue who I was, and thought my brother was a distant cousin who would be about 60 years older than my brother) - but when your spouse refers to you as his mother it must be so painful. My thoughts are with you and I do hope the respite care gives you some 'time-out' for yourself. Often there is nobody caring for the carers, so as well as looking after a loved one you need to look after yourself. It's good that others on Gransnet have an understanding of the issues you face and can empathise with your circumstances - I hope the number and quality of replies to your post show we do care. Lots of

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Maybe when the days get back to normal. My DH has first stage dementia so life not too bad at the moment. Have to repeat most things over and over as he doesnt retain. On tuesday we are going to a local Alzheimer's social group for the first time, but pointless discussing this with him until the morning of Tuesday, as he will have forgotten by then. Dont like to think too far ahead about our lives...but will take each day at a time.
Wishing you both a good New Year with lots of health and happiness thrown in.

g23 hugs
it can be very bizarre i know/dad used to call me by my mother or stepmothers names and it was a bit creepy except that i know he loved them both very much.
places that compensate for the illness are great.husband worked in an alzhiemers unit for years and did alot of re-education of young carers.one instance was a huge tv playing a ww2 movie and the residents were in a panic.explained in a meeting that most of the clients were"stuck"in the 40's and 50's and had served in the military.so a 50inch tv showing savin private ryan or similar was to them.like looking out a window and we were under attack.
another instance was getting a lovely lady to brush her teeth,she would get hysterical and cry out glue glue!.
sent husband to work with tooth powder.(toothpaste is a fairly modern item) lovely lady brushes her teeth after every meal now.
with my dad i would just answer him as whomever he thought i was and go on.30 minutes later he would be telling me stories about him and my rock and roll mom.

This is my third attempt at a reply, I think my replies were so long the page kept refreshing!

So a much shortened version, it might be worth researching a little the benefits of CBD oil with dementia.
Link below to an article on a nursing home that uses it on residents, with family approval. And another link about the company that makes my fathers oil, Charlottes Web. We are having good results with the use of the oil for my fathers alzheimers.

www.facebook.com/ILMCPP/

www.chicagonow.com/soapbox-momma/2015/06/charlottes-web-hemp-oil-is-truly-a-miracle-cure-for-many/

I read this with a heavy heart as my mum is coming up to five years in a home and is in late stages of dementia often just sleeping. I dread to think how hard it is fir you watching your husband disappear like this. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you virtual hugs .

It is probably little comfort to you Granny23 but from what you have told us your OH was basically in a happy place. He was pleased with his new pyjamas, remembered having got them for Xmas, had a nice time at Xmas and recognised you as someone he loved, not a stranger.

Confusion about who is who seems shocking at first. My MIL at one time thought my OH was her (late) husband and took agin me because she thought I was his fancy woman! I showed her some old photos, including our wedding photo and asked if she knew who was who and she did.

You are doing a great job with him and it is really important that you share this information with family, close friends and medical advisors. They should then be able to help you both as best they can.

To all of you wonderful people dealing with dementia I send a big hug and my total admiration for your courage. Hang on in there ?

VIOLETTE - I have pm'd you.

Had to laugh about the bowel movement report ....My OH (PD with lewy body dementia) does the same ......I'm thinking of keeping a chart like they have in hospitals ! Not fun, is it ...what keeps me sane (well, almost !) is the PD carers support group ...had to go to the USA to find it, but its a brilliant support group ...non judgmental, creed and the colour and the name don't matter ...we are all there for each other ! Wish my OH would agree to respite once in a while as we have no support network here in France ....and it is quite isolated !!! Wish you all the best .....he hasn't called me his mother yet ...but on the other hand, he thought his mother was wonderful ....so maybe that would be a good thing (or possibly why he doesn't think I am !) He does often call me by his late wife's name, and did once ask who I was, what I was in his house for, and where was his wife ? I just laughed and let it pass ....................bon courage !

Dementia is dreadful, so so sad gradually losing someone. All I can do is wish strength to whoever has this trouble in their family at this time. I guess it could be my turn soon.

My mum thought I was her mother towards the end. Which fits in with the Bookcase model too.

I am sooooo sorry.

When my first husband died in 1992 he hadn't yet reached his 60th birthday, but he'd had 20 years of cardiovascular problems and in the last few years, mini-strokes. This would inevitably have led to the ischaemic form of dementia - with every stroke a little bit more brain tissue is lost.

People said to me 'Oh what a pity he died so young'. I could not wish him back knowing he would have developed dementia. In a way that helped with the grieving.

Yes, it's well-documented that mortally-wounded soldiers on battlefields do call for their mothers.

Dear granny23 and all the others coping with such a very difficult situation, can you possibly see it as a compliment to be regarded as "mother"? Most small children love their mummies even if they are the worst people on this earth, which none of you are, but some of your MILs by the law of averages must have been.

One Catholic order of monks (the Carthusians) enjoins there members to take care of elderly or ill brothers so well that the patient does not miss his mother,

This perhaps points to the fact that elderly or ill men do to a certain extent revert to childhood and see whoever is looking after them as "mother".

It is said that soldiers dying in battle or in forward dressing stations have been known to call for their mummies - I have never heard it said that women do so, which I find strange. Does anyone know if women call for mummy too, or maybe daddy? My mother and grandmothers worried that they were leaving their husbands and children, my sister was concerned about her adult children.

But, please do try to take it as a compliment that you are recognise for your maternal qualities, even if it would be nicer to be recognised for being a good wife!

I remember looking at a care home for my mum, who had dementia, and disliking it because it was dark and had lots of pictures etc. for WWII. Now I wish I had thought of my mother's needs, instead of what I had thought would be good for her (lots of light etc.)

Oh Granny23, my heart goes out to you, it must be difficult, wish I could help, so will do the only thing, I can, and give you a virtual hug, and know we are all here for you, Best Wishes for the New Year xxx

Ah yes - "reporting the bowel motions" - I know this scenario. I too am treated to the minute details. .

Granny23, it is awful when this happens. I've got the tee-shirt for this one: I was 'mother' and both former wives at various times, one deceased and one very much alive! However, after the initial shock, you realise that they do not think of you in the same way as those individuals. The failing brain is just accessing 'Category of female relative' and not all the associated characteristics. Forget about 'Maw', it is just the dementia talking. Sending hugs

So pleased you are feeling more positive today G23 I start off most days well, it is as the day progresses and the questions go on and on that I start to fade a bit. Tomorrow another day, another year, we can and will do it.
Best wishes to you.

I can I never did dislike or hate my MIL, mainly I felt sorry for her and realised she had mental health problems but she would not/could not recognise this, refused to take prescribed medication, etc. etc. By the end she had fallen out with all her once sympathetic neighbours and relatives and had to rely on me to arrange her care, shopping, etc. and to visit her DH who was in residential care - after 2 visits she refused to go as it was 'too upsetting' so his only visitors were my DH and me, often on my own as DH often worked at weekends. She collapsed at her husbands funeral and more or less 'died in my arms' (poor woman) No, I did not hate her just did my best to protect DH and the DDs from her malign influence. BUT she HATED me with a passion and didn't care who knew it. She was the only person in my entire life who has felt that way about me, I usually rub along fine with everybody or agree to disagree with some.

Anyway that's enough of her. I'm feeling more positive today, can see the irony in the situation and was able to joke about it with my sister.

I can report that DH is not suffering from constipation, which I know because he feels the need to immediately report every bowel movement to me and there is often evidence left in the toilet. He did have a urine infection back in the summer and that certainly knocked him for 6 - total confusion and hallucinations for a couple of weeks and then, thankfully, back to his 'normal'.

I hope this thread will continue as a place to vent and exchange hints and tips. It seems that there are lots of us gransnetters in this position. It has certainly helped me to be able to share here with people I know 'in the round' already from other threads, rather than in Chat Rooms specifically for Carers where the posters have little else in common.

Oh, Granny23, my dear I'm so sorry. But just remember that it's not intentional - he can't help it and all you can do is support him, love him and talk with him about both current and past, depending on which time frame he's in at the time - I love the "memories book idea"

With me it was my mum. She sent my son a cheque with no payment details - our address instead. DDs talked her into POA so they could shove her into a home as far from her friends as they could find, tried to stop us seeing her. Her neighbours kindly told us where to find her, so we visited that afternoon. She was thrilled to see us (me, GS andMIL, one of her best friends), but had to ask if I was her daughter. We were able to clear up a lot of loose ends in our relationship, which was always prickly. DDs quickly moved her and told her new home that she didn't want to see us, so shortly before she died, when we drove the 250 miles ew to see her, we were refused access. She always said she wanted her mum and to go home to Aberdeen, which she'd left 55 years earlier. Never saw her again, but thank goodness we had cleared the air before it was too late!

Our thoughts are with you. Hugs and love.

Hugs to you all living with this everyday . The village in Netherlands sounds good but I think we would need quite a lot of them both north and south of the country .

That is so terribly sad. Of course he can't help any of it but to be confused with his mother must be very hurtful. But it might be because you are both women who have loved him and looked after him and to whom he feels close.