Gransnet forums

Care & carers

Family and friend support for a carer

(5 Posts)
TillyWhiz Sun 13-May-18 10:41:54

My DH has a slow progressive medical condition, able to do things as and when. We take life fairly quietly.

Recently talking about problems with my DD that I have come up against, she went into a high state of stress, trying to sort my problems without actually doing anything constructive and causing me more stress and anxiety than ever as I tried not to upset her! I know she is very anxious for her DF.

She has a busy life and family anyway and works fulltime. To prevent further episodes which almost became a family row, I want to draw up a plan of what would be good support for me as a carer and am sure others can pinpoint what helps them too.

silverlining48 Sun 13-May-18 13:02:29

Hello tilly. Sorry to hear of your husbands ill health, and the difficulties with your daughter. She is probably stressed about it all maybe wanting to help but guilty because she has a lot on with work, family etc.
Have you looked to see if there is are carers groups in your area. They are very helpful with both practical and emotional support.
Its hard being a carer, try to do something nice for yourself and look into what support is available.

Nannarose Sun 13-May-18 14:41:38

What a very good idea. I remember being an anxious daughter, and feeling unappreciated because anything I suggested was met with 'yes...but', but if I asked an open-ended question I got no suggestions back! I remember thinking I had to be a mind reader!
So yes, I think suggesting things that different family members / friends can do is lovely. My parents eventually did do this, and things greatly improved.
Also, I think it obvious to those of us with fluctuating conditions, but do remind people about 'good and bad days'. Being a nurse I did understand this, but remember the disappointment when a carefully planned day off work felt 'wasted'.
I remain deeply grateful that our my mother had a 'good day' on her very last birthday, when her GCs had all taken days off to spend a couple of hours with her.

OldMeg Sun 13-May-18 15:29:41

Seems a sensible idea.

TillyWhiz Sun 13-May-18 17:14:14

silverlining48 I do belong to a carers' group and that has been fantastic. I have also joined us to every charitable organisation dealing with his condition so lots of info there and we go to meetings. It's just a couple of domestic things which actually DD wanted to be involved in and I agreed so she wouldn't feel left out by all the outside help! But it was obviously too much for her and left her - and me - feeling guilty and stressed.
Nannarose Thank you. I shall remember to say about the good and bad days because yes, this happened on a bad day so having two on my hands was just too much! DH has actually thought of a good rhyme which will be No 1 on my plan: it is exactly what happens at my carers' cafe unless we specifically ask for help -
"Don't advise, sympathise".
OldMeg Thank you, I like to be thought of sometimes as sensible!!