Trying not to resent caring for constantly sick husband

Heart rending stories from so many people that make mine seem small by comparison but I still feel sad and resentful about missing opportunities and shared times.
My DH has now been diagnosed with a thyroid problem that results in depression plus endless 'small' health issues, one after another. His way of dealing with it is to go back to the UK for 2 or 3 weeks at a time every month and come back for a week which is usually fraught and anxious on both sides. From a loving and caring couple we are living separate lives and, apart from anything else, our savings are rapidly disappearing.

7 hours!

Put OH to bed at about 12.30 last night and the 111 doc rang at about 12.45 and asked how he was. & hours after original promise of visit - clearly a busy Saturday night. I told them not to come as there was nothing they could do as he was dropping off to sleep. TBH there never was anything he could do - but OH was convinced he was dying. I got to sleep about 2.30 am.

He's a bit better today,but he has taken lots of lorezepam - which he is not meant to. Just at the moment I do not care as long as it is making him feel better.His illness is in final stages they tell me, so I can't see it matters if he gets benefit from it.

Often, the more you do for people who are unwell or needy, the more you will be put upon. Can your husband pour cornflakes into a bowl, make a sandwich, put something into the microwave or stand at the sink to wash up? If so, you don't need to be his servant and, if you continue to be so, then the fault is with you.

The same with children or grandchildren. Just because they may have some extra needs doesn't mean they can't do things for themselves and be as independent as possible. If your husband can be left on his own then there is no reason why you can't go out and do the things you enjoy while he stays in watching tv or whatever.

Then you will feel recharged and more willing to be there for him to cope with the things he really needs help with. People can make themselves a martyr unnecessarily; don't let that unhappy person be you.

Had something very similar for the final eight years of my husband's life. Turned out he had vascular dementia on top of his physical disabilities which explained the refusal to shower, rejection of food, general unpleasantness... You have my sympathies. I arranged to get a day off each week which I filled with things I enjoyed doing. I also knitted and crocheted like a demon. I may have gone somewhat deranged myself!

You seem very sane Luckygirl despite everything you are coping with. It's so important to offload isn't it? My DM frequently presses her emergency button and invariably the hard pressed paramedics attend. Often she only wants reassurance and more than once I have gone round to find them making her a cup of tea. It's obviously not an appropriate use of paramedics time, but she isn't really aware.

Thanks, will do x

I am about to order the book - and have a space ready in my knicker drawer!

OH has just rung 111 and someone is coming to see him. He is sure he has some dreadful syndrome. But he is calmer and more rational since he spoke to them, which is good. I had reached my saturation point with obsessing about symptoms and agitation. I feel like an unsympathetic old cow, but sometimes I just cannot hear any more of it.

Thanks oldmeg and eglantine i think for me and many others it is a matter of having achievable aims. If not able to get out of the house, then make plans to have time to yourself at home. Even 15 minute snatches is valued.

Making time for yourself can be anywhere, including in your own house or garden I agree Maybelle.

The need to get out, and away from it all, is understandable too.

It wasn’t a criticism Maybelle. I was thinking more about the need to get out. Anywhere except that house!!

I’m not a carer anymore but the need to get out somewhere every day is very strong in me. ?

As a full time carer for my DH who has physical and memory issues, I was one of those who said make time for yourself, I know it isn't easy but in most cases it is possible.
I aim to take time when he is asleep in the day time, unless exhausted myself, plus set him up with everything needed and tootle off to another room for an hour. Rarely get out but time for myself is still achieved.

It is good advice but I used to get quite despairing when people said “Make sure you have some time for yourself’ without the least suggestion of how that could actually be done.

I’m afraid I used to look on a hospital admission for husband as a bit of a break for me.

Stop trying to not feel your feelings

*It is OKAY to resent the SITUATION. It does not mean that you don't love your family.

You go ahead and feel resentment and whatever else being a carer makes you feel because being a carer is HARD and its okay to say so xx*

Good advice from Notanan … please try to take it on board. It is really important for your own wellbeing!

I love the title of your book Eglantine and must download it.

This thread is so refreshing because everyone is so honest about the reality of living with the life changing experience of caring for a partner or loved one. I have been through hell the last year with my frail, elderly ill mother, who doesn't even live with me. Initially when she became dependant I tried to do everything and worried to the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have now kind of come to terms with things and try to prioritise my needs and focus on the present and go with it, rather than catastrophising as I often do, it makes life easier. Admittedly it does take a bit of practice. Having a regular break to recharge the batteries is as others have said, important, as is having someone with whom to offload emotionally, but difficult I know for some. We are only human and it wouldn't be normal to not feel resentful at times.

No merlotgran, I had to hide my copy in my underwear drawer!

I have nothing to add to the great posts above except please come and rant again if and when! Just look what happened!!

Take care of yourself.

Thanks, Eglantine, I have downloaded the book to my Kindle. Maybe not a good idea to buy the paperback version and leave it lying around!

The foreword alone grabbed my attention. I wouldn't mind betting more than a few Gransnetters will find it helpful.

Sielha. It's good to offload and definitely not good to feel guilty about it.

Can I just say your Grandson may not be on the spectrum ( which isn't a spectrum really) and aged one is very young.

I’ll never forget an elderly neighbour knocking on my door and asking for a cup of tea and a listening ear. Her husband had PD. She’d just lost her temper with him and was in total meltdown with the guilt.

This, and all the other posts, are telling you not to feel guilty about these feelings. It’s very much a norm in these situations.

What you do need however is Time Out for yourself. A little time, preferably each day, where you don’t have to worry or care about anyone else.

What you do, where you go, what is a practical amount of time to take, that’s up to you. But try to find it.

sielha and all those who are careers of some sort you deserve support and some 'me' time without feeling guilty. I have been with my DH through many operations, illnesses etc over many years.
In his first illness I found it difficult to cope because I think one side effect was that he was very depressed which brought me down too and made me a bit cross on occasions ( I just wanted our happy life back)
Subsequent illnesses have always been more physical In nature. I think that as he has had a few 'risky' operations and procedures from quite an early age I have always had this dread of losing (sorry maw if I got the wrong spelling ?) him. I think this has probably tempered my feelings and made me worry more about losing him than about how I was feeling myself, plus he has been so good about hospital visits and treatments and does not complain (much).
Caring for anyone is a tough business and I don't think you should feel at all guilty for how you feel or taking some time out.

Sielha can I recommend to you “The Selfish Pigs Guide to caring” by Hugh Marriot.

I appreciate this might not be everyone’s view of caring but I found it very helpful because it brought humour to my situation as well as some practical help in caring for my ‘piglet”.

My husband was diagnosed with a degenerative disease in his late thirties and I increasingly became his carer until finally I had to give up work and do it full time.

I could say quite a lot about those years but that if I had to give one piece of advice in retrospect it would be “Be more selfish!”

I expect some brickbats from that, but I think always putting his needs first did neither of us any favours n the end.

Thank you for all the messages of support, as usual. And my thoughts are with all of you who have your own problems but still took the time to reach out to me. X

I have for the first time this week been looking after my DH after a surgical procedure which I suppose is quite common. It has been difficult but I'm coping. However I know this is going to pass soon and we will be back to our normal lives soon. I can only imagine how you must be feeling with the constant care and attention you are giving to your DH. Think sometimes everyone else around us just simply forgets or doesn't think about the pressure on the carer, everyone thinks that us mums/grans/ etc just cope no matter what. Take time if you can to think about yourself and try and get some time to yourself if that's possible. I'm sure you will feel a lot better for it. Do not think you are a bad person for ranting it is perfectly normal. Take care.