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Care & carers

Guilt

(13 Posts)
Luckygirl Sun 30-Sep-18 17:09:26

This caring lark is a breeding ground for guilt.

I promised about 2 months ago to write and present the village pub quiz. I have done the writing and now need to go out and do it; but OH really does not want me to go - he just feels safer when I am here as he gets very anxious.

I am sticking to my guns and going but boy do I feel guilty! My DD is going to ring him to remind him about his meds and come over if he is too anxious, soI know there is back-up, but that just makes me feel guilty that her life is disrupted by his illness. I see it as my responsibility, even though all the girls kindly say they see it as a shared responsibility.

I knew the day would come when leaving him on his own would become really problematical, and it looks as though we are here. But getting a paid carer in is not the answer as it is me he wants to be here.

It is hard for him and hard for me.

Anniebach Sun 30-Sep-18 17:20:33

Luckygirl, I agree with your daughters , they are adults and want it to be a shared responsibility, i was carer for both my parents, the three of us looked on it as shared responsibility.

If your husband was your carer would you want him to be able to have the back up of shared responsibility? Shared love?

You must have breaks away from the home my love , for your own sake and your childrens.

I am sorry you are troubled x

Luckygirl Sun 30-Sep-18 17:22:53

Thanks annie - I appreciate your comments. x

Marydoll Sun 30-Sep-18 17:52:41

Luckygirl, Annie right in what she says. You need to have a break for your own mental and physical well being.
It is really hard and the guilt consumes you. I know, I have been there with my late mother.
Take care.

Eglantine21 Sun 30-Sep-18 18:44:38

Don’t feel guilty. This is good for him as well as you.

I gave in when faced with this and didn’t go out. It didn’t help either of us. I felt trapped. He got used to me doing what made him feel better, so much so that in the end he never even thought about me as a person separate to himself and his needs.

By giving in I turned him from a loving, thoughtful man into a selfish one. It was not the way our marriage should have ended and it has taken me a long while to remember the man he was before.

It’s important for you to go and for him to let you go. Important for both of you. Have a lovely evening🌺

GrannyGravy13 Sun 30-Sep-18 18:47:13

I cared for my Mum, moved her in with us, she would get panicky if I was not here. I had to be firm with myself and go out with my husband, I never left her alone, usually an AC of ours would step in or her friend would "pop round for a chat".

Being a carer is an honourable thing to do, but you must take some "me time" and look after yourself. 💐💐💐

BlueBelle Sun 30-Sep-18 19:03:42

When my Dad was very ill in the last few weeks if his life I spent hours and hours with him but I was very lucky that a neighbour his carer and a friend all sat for an hour (not together😂) while I went home for a shower, change of clothes half an hours kip or popped to the shops
Please do make use of ANY offers you can Luckygirl or consider a befriending charity where they send someone for one or two hours while you rest or go out
💐

kittylester Sun 30-Sep-18 19:28:51

I think you have your answers above Lucky. Go and enjoy.

Nanny23 Sun 30-Sep-18 19:38:13

You should go and enjoy, ditto what everyone else says.

annsixty Sun 30-Sep-18 19:44:04

Everything Eglantine has said is true and mirrors my own life.
I am trapped with a man I don't know and although it is not his fault and it isn't "him" this is the man I am living with and caring for.
Please don't feel guilty Luckygirl if he is ok on his own, leave him and get on with your lifè.
My H can't be left at all as he is a falls risk.
As I said, I am trapped, I get out on Thursday when he goes to daycare.
I still have some life to live, I am not allowed.
Let your D's help if they want, you are not the only one capable, even if he thinks it.
I don't get family help.

Judthepud2 Sun 30-Sep-18 20:32:12

Luckygirl just a little reminder of the airplane safety instructions. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. As others have said, you need time out or you will both suffer. Take all the help that is offered. Enjoy your me time.

Granny23 Sun 30-Sep-18 20:50:02

I did not want my DDs busy lives disrupted and constrained through helping to care for their DF who has Dementia. I had an exhausting and miserable time through my 40s and 50s, working full time while trying to support my DM, MIL, FIL + 2 maiden Aunts, all ill simultaneously and did not want to impose this burden on my DDs.

However, they pointed out, forcefully, that 1) There was only one sick elderly person, their much loved Dad, and 2) They were his blood relatives, whereas I was not! grin. They have convinced me that I should accept whatever help they can reasonable give and thereby save them from later remorse, that they did not do enough for their Dad.

Luckygirl Sun 30-Sep-18 22:41:01

I went - I am back - he is OK - not happy, but OK. DD rang in to check on him.

It is so hard as I know myself, and being in all the time with him would not be wise - I would get low very quickly.

As ann says, the problem is that he is not the same person - but nowhere near to the extent of ann's OH, so I count myself lucky, and feel for you.

The point about the children wishing to feel they too have done all they can for their Dad is well made, and I need to give some thought to that - I have so far been determined that it will not disrupt their lives, but maybe a rethink is needed.

Thank you all for your wise words.