Guilt

I went - I am back - he is OK - not happy, but OK. DD rang in to check on him.

It is so hard as I know myself, and being in all the time with him would not be wise - I would get low very quickly.

As ann says, the problem is that he is not the same person - but nowhere near to the extent of ann's OH, so I count myself lucky, and feel for you.

The point about the children wishing to feel they too have done all they can for their Dad is well made, and I need to give some thought to that - I have so far been determined that it will not disrupt their lives, but maybe a rethink is needed.

Thank you all for your wise words.

I did not want my DDs busy lives disrupted and constrained through helping to care for their DF who has Dementia. I had an exhausting and miserable time through my 40s and 50s, working full time while trying to support my DM, MIL, FIL + 2 maiden Aunts, all ill simultaneously and did not want to impose this burden on my DDs.

However, they pointed out, forcefully, that 1) There was only one sick elderly person, their much loved Dad, and 2) They were his blood relatives, whereas I was not! . They have convinced me that I should accept whatever help they can reasonable give and thereby save them from later remorse, that they did not do enough for their Dad.

Luckygirl just a little reminder of the airplane safety instructions. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. As others have said, you need time out or you will both suffer. Take all the help that is offered. Enjoy your me time.

Everything Eglantine has said is true and mirrors my own life.
I am trapped with a man I don't know and although it is not his fault and it isn't "him" this is the man I am living with and caring for.
Please don't feel guilty Luckygirl if he is ok on his own, leave him and get on with your lifè.
My H can't be left at all as he is a falls risk.
As I said, I am trapped, I get out on Thursday when he goes to daycare.
I still have some life to live, I am not allowed.
Let your D's help if they want, you are not the only one capable, even if he thinks it.
I don't get family help.

You should go and enjoy, ditto what everyone else says.

I think you have your answers above Lucky. Go and enjoy.

When my Dad was very ill in the last few weeks if his life I spent hours and hours with him but I was very lucky that a neighbour his carer and a friend all sat for an hour (not together?) while I went home for a shower, change of clothes half an hours kip or popped to the shops
Please do make use of ANY offers you can Luckygirl or consider a befriending charity where they send someone for one or two hours while you rest or go out
?

I cared for my Mum, moved her in with us, she would get panicky if I was not here. I had to be firm with myself and go out with my husband, I never left her alone, usually an AC of ours would step in or her friend would "pop round for a chat".

Being a carer is an honourable thing to do, but you must take some "me time" and look after yourself. ???

Don’t feel guilty. This is good for him as well as you.

I gave in when faced with this and didn’t go out. It didn’t help either of us. I felt trapped. He got used to me doing what made him feel better, so much so that in the end he never even thought about me as a person separate to himself and his needs.

By giving in I turned him from a loving, thoughtful man into a selfish one. It was not the way our marriage should have ended and it has taken me a long while to remember the man he was before.

It’s important for you to go and for him to let you go. Important for both of you. Have a lovely evening?

Luckygirl, Annie right in what she says. You need to have a break for your own mental and physical well being.
It is really hard and the guilt consumes you. I know, I have been there with my late mother.
Take care.

Thanks annie - I appreciate your comments. x

Luckygirl, I agree with your daughters , they are adults and want it to be a shared responsibility, i was carer for both my parents, the three of us looked on it as shared responsibility.

If your husband was your carer would you want him to be able to have the back up of shared responsibility? Shared love?

You must have breaks away from the home my love , for your own sake and your childrens.

I am sorry you are troubled x