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(9 Posts)
Luckygirl Mon 29-Oct-18 13:46:15

Just letting off steam here!

Music therapist from hospice has just ruing to offer OH some sessions. Did he say yes, bring it on? - did he b*****y!
He said when he put the phone down that he is no good at music any more (he is no longer the brilliant violinist that he once was) but that is not what music therapy is about, as he well knows. He agreed with the consultant there that he would try this. I know he would love it!

People are falling over themselves to offer him help and he just says no. It is driving me nuts!

Sometimes when he is in pain I offer him a paracetamol - does he say yes? - I leave you to guess.

Rant over!

Maybelle Mon 29-Oct-18 13:58:13

Rants are needed, sometimes I feel like the chief cheerleader here. Having to constantly look on the bright side and point out the positives to DH .

Sometimes you have to remind them that you need them to try things for your sake. Keeping all options open.

You are not alone in this. But I know from experience that often there is no-one else to let off steam to.

kittylester Mon 29-Oct-18 17:34:15

Oh, Lucky, you are having a difficult time at the moment - well all the time really! You know we are here for you to rant to!!

Granny23 Mon 29-Oct-18 17:42:21

My Dh (with dementia) has recently, at 78, given up playing kit drums in a steel band. His choice entirely as he says it was no longer a pleasure because he was no longer able to play up to his own exacting standard.

On Saturday, we went to hear the band play in a concert. He thoroughly enjoyed it and was delighted that the new (24yo) kit drummer was 'As good as I was at that age.' I think it is very hard for people who have been very talented to enjoy playing/singing/performing at a lesser level. No pleasure or 'therapeutic' effect for them, just frustration and regret.

Luckygirl Mon 29-Oct-18 17:46:52

Music therapy does not necessarily involve playing an instrument. Mostly such things as tambalas are used to create an peaceful atmosphere to help relaxation and pain relief. He badly needs this as I have run out of ideas to settle him down when he is in distress. It would also give him a focus for his day, rather than obsessing about his symptoms all the time, which is bad for both of us.

I am so glad that your OH enjoyed hearing his old band.

tidyskatemum Mon 29-Oct-18 19:14:41

I do think that pride sometimes gets in the way of common sense. My dear old dad said no to any support that was offered as he saw it as a sign of weakness. I ended up having to bully him into agreeing and though I felt guilty I knew it was for the best for him and for my poor mum. Perhaps you could do with having a bit of a tantrum with you DH!

Luckygirl Mon 29-Oct-18 21:53:17

I think he would just fall asleep if I had a tantrum!

Sielha Tue 30-Oct-18 23:04:15

Don’t you find that’s it’s usually men who just don’t look after themselves? My husband has many health issues and I feel very sorry for him but I do get exasperated when he seems happy to just lie around either in bed or on the couch all day. I can’t know for sure how I’d be, but I feel that I wouldn’t want to do that! Feel your pain and sending hugs x

POGS Tue 30-Oct-18 23:27:09


' My dear old dad said no to any support that was offered as he saw it as a sign of weakness.'

I think that one sentence hit the nail on the head possibly.

I have gone through being the sole carer for both my father-in-law and my dad and I genuinely believe what I saw as cantankerous behaviour on their part was in fact proud men knowing their masculinity had been taken away . If the word masculinity is a poor choice then independence and ability to maintain their own decision making ability for themselves.

Luckygirl the one true saying that resonated with me was 'You only hurt the ones you love ' . You are no doubt the proverbial ' whipping post ' at the moment because you are his nearest and dearest. [ flowers]