Exhausted caring for granddaughter

I well understand your situation , Honey , as I am a similar age , with fibromyalgia and looking after DGS for 2 days per week . After struggling on for 5 months , I finally said it was too much . Now DGS goes to a nursery for 2 half days and my SIL arranges his shifts around this . I now have DGS for 1 full day a week . I absolutely love this and have the following day to recover . Please have the conversation with your DD . You have a hidden disability and your needs are important .

GabriellaG, my view is that looking after our grandchildren so their parents can occasionally have a date night and go out for dinner, see a movie or have a weekend away together is a lovely gift of time and love for our adult children. I also look after my grandchildren so my daughters can have "girls nights" out with each other and also with their girlfriends. I would have loved someone to offer me that opportunity when my children were small. I don't see it as irresponsible behaviour or being "GM on tap" or exploited. It is something I choose to do and is very much appreciated.

Every family is different and we all do things in our own way. The important thing is that it is done with love not from a sense of obligation or under pressure or beyond our physical capacities.

Honey1958 are you widowed or is your husband still working full time as you don’t mention him. If he’s around on a daily basis he needs to play his part in helping you with your DGD. Also where are SiL’s parents in this scenario? They need to help out too if they can.
DH and I have been caring for DGS since he was 3 months old and he’s now 6. I’m fairly healthy apart from the usual 60+ aches and pains but glad DH (retired) is there to help. Also our son still lives at home as he has Asperger syndrome, but loves our GS to bits and is a great help too. SiL’s parents have had care of 3 of their own g-children and both are in poor health themselves so the care of our DGS has fallen to us.
If nearby help’s not possible for you, perhaps you should discuss the possibility of nursery for a few hours every day.
Hope you can work something out!

It is sad that grandparents are being looked at as cheap/free child minders. It appears to me that young people want everything immediately instead of making do with second hand until they could save up for things like furnture. My daughter has had more brand new three piece suites than us in less than half our married life. A change in colour scheme is enough to go and buy something paying monthly.

A friend and her husband (he took early ill health retirement) in their late 60s had twin grandchildren. From the time the
twins arrived home their daughter expected their help which meant being there, when daughter's partner was working, from seven to seven every day. Daughter returned to work as a teacher so they became full time carers. They even take their holidays togerher so they are there to help. My friend has given up her retirement social life which was packed with things she had always wanted to do when working.

Before the twins were born they criticised other people looking after grandchildren saying their lives were taken over and how there was no help available from their patents when they were bringing up children but, are blinkered at how their daughter puts on them. My husband who, as a public service worker retired at 50, looked after our two grandsons on one day a week. The only reason was that our daughter wanted them to experience all the exciting things she did as a child and it was a pleasure for him. That one day a week was constantly remarked on especially if it clashed with some things our friends wanted to do.

At three years old my friend's health has suffered and she now has a heart condition. Daughter has reacted by putting them in full time nursery, even though she is only working part time, showing that money is no problem. I personally wonder what her teaching is like and how she copes with a class of children.

If you go on like this you will end up not being able to help at all. I ended up with health probs through doing too much for too long with one gc. When the next lot came along we said we could not do anything at all on a regular basis but would always step in in an emergency and that has worked well. Once they are at school we love the regular pickups though - we get to see them and it is only for a few hours at a time.

I agree with Apricity, date nights are important for the health of a marriage in these stressful times.
I live too far from my grandchildren to child mind on a daily basis but I often pop down to offer my time so they can have time to themselves and I get to spend quality time with the DGC.

Hazy52 Some parents have no choice but to work full time in order to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Your daughter sounds as if she has money to burn and you sound as if you're living in a bubble with no idea of what other people go through. Witness the increase in food bank use and poverty - even amongst working families - in the UK over the last few years.

i was the same and was only 47 i looked after my grandson for just over a year but was in agony at the end if everyday i had to let my daughter know in the end i just wasnt up to it , she was a bit peeved but nothing i could do i suffer with depression and it was also beginning to affect my mood . my grandson was and still is an absolute pleasure to have but sometimes we need to just be honest . we want the best for our kids and grandkids but we cant do it at the expense of our own health . x

If you make yourself long-term ill, there will be no childcare, so you need to do something now to stop that happening in the future. (I say that as a one day a week granddaughter-carer.) Please sit down with both parents if possible and explain that soon.
Try to care for her in her own home, and rest when she does. She will have her favourite toys on tap, and you won't feel the need to do your home jobs when she's asleep. Try to alternate noisy/active play with quiet play. Don't feel bad if she's watching tv.
Look after you. Good luck.

I'm 67 and my dgs is 5 with a 2 yo sister. It comes as a shock to find we can't do everything we used to do 40 years ago when our own DC were small. I have the 2 yo alternate Fridays, and her brother as well for a few hours after school. Then little things like taking him to cubs, picking him up from school probably twice a week, and sometimes having him for the weekend. That's enough. I couldn't do any more and realistically you're taking on too much if you're covering every day.

I had my gd 3 days a week from 9 months until she started full time school. I now do the same for my gs. Yes it's tiring, but worth it. No way would I see them in a nursery. They're only babies for 5 minutes, make the most of it.

Lesley that’s great if you have the energy, but the poster was explaining that, due to her ill- health, she is finding it too tiring. It reads as though she is caring for her grandchild on her own too- I don’t know about your situation, but I do know that caring on your own is tiring. There is no- one there to put away toys, change a nappy, or even make you a cup of tea while the child sleeps. I think she needs to have a conversation with her daughter and son in law. It doesn’t sound as though they are expecting her to look after their child, and they probably want the best for both her and the baby.

I know your problem, too well from my own experience. My daughter and husband work shifts, they eventually changed their shift patterns so they do the majority of care and I fill the gaps, which I can manage. They also paid for nursery for 3 mornings a week. You need to speak and discuss options. I had to make it clear I do want to see the children.... just not all the time. This way works for all of us. Good luck.

Honey1958
I sympathise with you for the pain you are experiencing. Was 11 month old child care, and 11 month olds don't stay that age, your idea.It is normal to want to help your family but at what cost to yourself in terms of your heath. If you are experiencing pain now, and GD is yet to become really active, can you see yourself running around after this growing child and believe you me, from experience, you will want eyes in the back of your head.
A serious talk with DD and maybe offer to help if you have the financial means with her obtaining other forms of child care.60 is not old and you have years ahead in which to enjoy life. Don't deny yourself this due to ill health/pain when you can make other arrangements with DD concerning the care of GD. This does not prevent you having some involvement /care of GD but in moderation which has to be the key word.

Lesley 4357.All well and good but there are those who no matter how willing and dearly love their GC and want to be part of their lives may be unable to carry out what you were doing due to their own circumstances ie health issues.

I occasionally look after 3year old dgs.
When he was a baby my daughter decided to go back to work part time.
We started of with me looking after him for two days a week, 8 till approx 6pm, depending on traffic. But after a few months, I realised I couldn’t do it all day. I am 73years old.
We compromised and I did one day a week. That wasn’t too bad as he was a small baby and didn’t need too much entertaining.
Fast forward a few years and it’s a different story. So now it’s only occasionally when needed, which suits me although even a few hours I find completely knackering.
Boys seem to have boundless energy, don’t they?

Try finding some parent and toddler groups in the area. They will use up her energy and she will need a nap after lunch. Not only will it make your life a bit easier, it is always good for her to play with other children. I've made some wonderful lifelong friends at these groups with various grand children over the years

Honey1958.
I really think it's essential that you have a conversation regarding this, sooner rather than later. Obviously you did not anticipate being so tired when you agreed to do the childcare, plus you have an ongoing health problem. Someone I know has fibromyalgia and in her case stress often makes it worse. The longer you leave it to say anything the harder it will become. Can the other grandparents help out in any way. It's your health that is suffering here and that has to be a consideration by your daughter when other childcare options are discussed.

I was lucky and my daughter had me collect my grandson from nursery at 1 pm and I looked after him until about 6 or 6.30 when her shift finished.
It always seemed easier in the better weather and we could get out somewhere.It was hard in the winter and we were stuck indoors.
Maybe two afternoons instead of one full day?

Is it possible that you haven't yet had enough time to settle into a comfortable regime? I remember when we first looked after our granddaughter when she was a baby I felt exhausted for the first couple of months and worried that I wouldn't be able to cope. It settled down after that. However, my husband was also there to help. Perhaps it wouldhave been different if I'd been completely on my own. As it turned out, I was very sad when my son and his partner moved and we no longer looked after our granddaughter (though they have moved back now and we have both children after school three days a week).

I think if this continues to make you feel exhausted and ill then you must explain this to your daughter. Say you had every intention of helping out and really wanted to but you are very sorry that it is just too much for you. As others have said, perhaps an arrangement can be made whereby you help for only a couple of days or for only a part of the day.

I hope something can be sorted out that will suit everybody.

Oh gosh I hate technology just typed in a reply but it went into cyberspace! I am divorced so yes caring alone but my partner - not living together yet -.is bring supportive. He will work part time soon and be around more. Has even offered to help with nursery cost now I have admitted to struggling.
Mabon1 took exception to your post. I had the same health conditions when I had my own children and managed. Its just that I am being asked to cover more hours than agreed. Seemed there was no one else to do it and I adore the little darling! The other grandma works fulltime as do her girls who also have their own kids and live otherside of town.My ex is more useless than a chocolate teapot.
But have to agree with you hazy52 today's kids do expect a lifestyle! My mother is 93 and needs a bit of help - another story - just thinks all young people are spoilt. Yes house prices are crazy and it's a big mortgage to pay but yes they both still have latest iPhone.
Hmm need to think a bit about the future! x

I keep telling mine to have their kids while I’m mildly healthy. Although I’m not so keen on looking after the,...

Its ok, honey, most people take exception to mabon's posts.

dragonfly46
Stressful times?
Certainly no more stressful than our parents' parenting years circa 1940s>>
and marriages seemed to last longer then.
What people didn't have, they either saved for or went without.
I was lucky to have a mum at home and father who worked. No 'date nights' in those days. It's an American idea that some here have embraced as their own but relying on their parents to help out financially (often for substantial deposits on a property) and for free childcare.
If the comments on here are anything to go by, a majority of GNers provide a large chunk of both the above but at a cost, that being the giving up of some or all of their retirement plans and health issues.
I know that some GNers are happy (on the surface at least) to provide into adulthood, all kinds of support for their AC and GC but dig deep and you will find that some find it hard to say no. Maybe this is partly because they feel it's their 'duty' as family and do not want to be excluded by DiL, which has happened.
I acknowledge that lots of GPs thoroughly enjoy being steeped in the lives of their AC and GC, they have done it all before and are willing to do it all again for their AC, even, aa some have said, walking miles to do school pick-ups several times weekly, regular overnights, babysittinf, holidays, doing their AC's household laundry, cleaning bathrooms and kitchen and more, all in the name of helping out.
IMO, if you say nothing and become an unpaid 'nanny' and 'housekeeper' to both your AC and GC, even though you'd really prefer to do less but find that conversation awkward, then you have to endure the tiredness and aches and pains that follow.
Funny, that it's GMs not GFs who provide most in the way of support, note, I said most not all.
GCs are a joy, but they are not our children.

*as/babysitting