Exhausted caring for granddaughter

Childcare is prohibitively expensive, but there is a halfway house.
Whilst you are in charge of your GD, and ensuring her safety, could you employ a ‘mother’s help’ to give you a little assistance your during the day?
Youngsters wanting some pocket money are fine, because they have your supervision and are often surprisingly good at amusing babies.
This way you get a sit down and a cuppa, and don’t have to spend every minute crawling around after an active tot.
My GD age 4, is amazingly helpful with her 13 month old brother, but an older child would be even more help.
It doesn’t have to be a formal arrangement, but even an hour or two of such assistance really takes the pressure off.

I’m the same age with similar health issues and we look after our granddaughter full time. Thankfully she’s in pre school everyday so that does give you a break . I agree with everyone about trying to talk to your daughter but I know myself that’s not so so simple. All I can say is when they can go pre school or nursery it does get a bit easier . Our granddaughter is nearly 4 and thinks I’m 4 lol so it is exhausting . I have had days when I’ve cried all the way home. Then days when I’m grateful for the close bond we are building . I feel your pain ☹️

I’m 60 with psoriatic Arthritis. Look after DGS for 3daysper week and always feel tired. Really don’t think tha Government recognises the amount we grandparents save them. BUT I wouldn’t have it any other way , my grandson is my best mate and my ‘wingman’, and we muddle on together.

When my DD asked me to mind my little GD when she was 15 months old so she could return to work I said no. I was straightforward about it and explained how I have a chronic illness, (which she was well aware of), that makes it impossible to mind a young child day after day.

Apart from that I feared the anxiety in looking after a little child again and being responsible for its welfare on a daily basis. I had been a very anxious mother, devoted to her kids and with an emotionally unsupportive husband who spent a lot of time acting like a single man with no kids, when our children were young.

My DD was very upset, disappointed and angry with me. It’s not like I didn’t contribute. For the first year of our GD’s life my husband and I moved to be closer to my daughter so I could be there to help whenever needed. I feared that my daughter would suffer from post natal depression as I had done. I realised that if my mum had been available to me in the years when my children were little that my post natal depression and anxiety would probably not have been so overwhelming. Moving to be close to my daughter was the a really good way to provide my support, both emotional and physical. And she wanted us there, close by.

But not only was my DD angry with me for my refusal to child mind so she could return to work, my husband was totally unsupportive of my refusal. He expected me to somehow miraculously overcome my chronic illness and mind that child. He was very nasty towards me. Told me if he wasn’t working he would gladly do it. That rang hollow.

It was a really horrible time and I shed many tears over it. But I have to wonder at a society that expects women that have mothered their own chilchildren to front up and mother their grandchildren.

I had my kids young and gave up my financial independence then and now, to be an at home mum. I did not want my daughter to have to do this as it makes you financially dependent on your partner, (not always a happy situation), but there are so many childminding options available now than when I had my children. My daughter travelled, had her career well established before she had kids. She was very wise. But that does not mean I should pay the price of that wisdom. My daughter could choose to work and put her child in care or she could choose to stay home. That’s the nuts and bolts of it.

The whole affair made me aware of something else - that neither my daughter nor my husband understand how ill I am.

Well said normal.

OP please just put your foot down.

Your dd is taking the p..s (imho).

She'll carry on unless you set some strict boundaries.

Her difficulties shouldn't be your problem - her choices are her own and she needs to consider the implications before making them.

I hope you get it sorted.

OP I really feel for you.I am the same age as you and help out with DGD who is 2 at least twice a week.She does go to nursery ,fortunately between them they can afford the fees but as DD is a nurse,and her partner commutes and is out 12 hours per working day I have to set my alarm for 5.45 am to be at their house to take over,and then back again at teatime to collect and do bedtime.But over the last year since she's returned to work I've found it increasingly tiring.And I'm not suffering with fibromyalgia.I did however have a really bad bout of chronic fatigue years ago post virally,and know if I get run down I can have a sort of flare up.Plus I still work part time at a physical job,and have a 96 year old frail mum nearby to help -she won't accept any outside help .Another thread !
However such early starts take their toll,and DD is now pregnant again.Added to which when she gets tired,which is often ,she has been very snappy and rude .I've posted a separate thread on that.
So recently I told her I was only prepared to do one very early start.And DGD comes to stay the night before the other one,or her partner has to go in later if possible.And I have warned her that I can't commit to do more than I already do when no 2 comes along.My DH is brilliant but has degenerative arthritis,and when we retire we want more time for days out and short breaks.We have worked blooming hard for 40 plus years,plus raised 3 children of our own,plus been a lot more sensible with money than they seem to be.
We absolutely adore our DGD,and feel privileged to see her so often and live so close.But we deserve a balance and time to relax,and so do you.

All of this is very interesting and daunting to those like me who are about to become a GM. I told my three long before they married that I did not want to be a childminding granny, for many reasons. But now it's reality not theory I am feeling guilty because it seems most do provide free childcare, often at great cost to their own health and well-being. I'm still working and I too have an elderly mother who won't accept help except from family, so I fear pressure from both sides. My daughter is too far away for regular help to be practical - yet some ladies (and it is indeed almost always the ladies!) travel hundreds of miles to provide care. And I have a son 40 miles away whose wife is broody (and another in London)!

It's so sad, because I don't remember these problems occurring when I was young, when mothers usually stayed at home, or even when my own were small. We hardly saw our grandparents, except at the end of their lives when they moved nearer to us. The price of houses is having a dreadful effect on society, but no one seems able/willing to do anything about it.

newgran I think it is vital to talk to the parents before you offer any help. My two daughters who live locally are very understanding about how much care I can offer, and have contingency plans for times when I cannot have the children, when I am on holiday for example, or just want a day out. They are fortunate in having other family members and friends who can help too. I love having my two grandchildren, on separate days, and think it is a privilege to help bring them up, but I can understand those who don’t or can’t provide support.
I hope Honey managed to resolve her problems.

Honey1958 I agree with everyone who says you must talk to your DD about this, but can I suggest that you also do a little research first into child care facilities that might be around you. Your GD is coming up to 1 year and for many children this is when they go into nursery care, so you have already made a massive contribution. Offer to go and visit the places available with your DD and together you will find the best solution. GCs are lovely but hard work and we should be able to enjoy time with them without it becoming stressful because that isn't good for anyone.

newgran2019, can I just say that, as now, when I was a child, a lot of grans did child care - it seemed that was when they gave up work! One of the grans who minded me also ran a shop.
Our experiences vary according to place, class and individual family situations. I say this just because I am aware of a 'dominant narrative' about previous generations, and I think all experiences are valid.
Sorry for going slightly 'off topic', but I have already posted my advice to OP.

I was minded by my gran too, as was my cousin, while his mother worked.

I think times have changed though; back in those days it seemed (to me at least) that it was very different.

Nowadays, it seems, parents are more demanding and more prescriptive about exactly what kind of care they want their children to receive. I don't think this was the case back in the day.

You were looked after and kept fed and safe (if you were lucky!!). All a bit ramshackle, but everyone muddled through ok.

The bar now seems to have risen along with parental expectations.

I know many friends whose post-retirement freedoms have been curtailed by the demands their children have placed on them in terms of childcare.

Tread carefully, OP.

Hello, I’m new on here. I need some advice. My son and his wife split up last year and she has relapsed into alcoholism. She had been dry for 11 years since marrying my son.
They have two gorgeous kids that I have looked after often since the eldest was born 9 yrs ago.
To cut a very long story short, my son had a nervous breakdown last Nov, and tried to commit suicide. He is now fully healed and has returned to his quite high powered job. His ex is a mess and SS are involved with the kids cos she got drunk while they were with her. The kids are residing with me and my husband full time but son has them with him whenever he can (odd day during week and most, but not all, weekends). They are happy and in a good routine with us, but the eldest has started really playing up when with dad. Really badly behaved (which we never see here) and rude. Problem is son feels he can’t parent properly as GS says he will tell SS that dad was in a “bad mood”. It’s nit a bad mood it’s simply enforcing right from wrong. He is angry with both his mum and dad but at the same time breaks my heart by saying I’ve lost my mum I don’t want to lose my dad too. He is a gorgeous little boy who is kind, considerate and empathetic but I feel this upheaval has clearly effected him and I don’t know what to do.
Going forward is very foggy right now cos we have no idea how their mum if going to be. She is doing her best right now but neither of the kids want to be with her, and neither do SS want them to be. So, here we are. 61 and 71 year old grandparents with a 6 and 9 year old. I totally adore them and they are in no way a burden. We have brought up 4 children of our own, but I NEED to get them to be as happy with dad as they “appear” with us.
Any ideas would be welcome.

My DD going back to work in Oct and we’ve agreed to take care of 5 month old GD for 3 days a week.
They will after Xmas have a flexible nursery place - where we are able to drop baby off or pick her up to suit us and my DD. We had the conversation and came up with this idea.
If my DH or I are feeling tired or we’re busy we have the option of the nursery.
I think it’s a win win situation ?

My grandson is 16 months and, for the last year we have been sharing childcare with his other grandparents whilst both my daughter and her husband work. My daughter works part time 9-5 but her partner works horrendous day and night shifts. They have opted for the “co-sleeping” approach (their prerogative whatever I may feel…) but my grandson now has NO routine at all, often going to bed at midnight and waking at ten am. This makes our child care provision ridiculously hard and, as he always sleeps in his parents bed, a logistical nightmare. Maybe I am old fashioned but I feel he should have a bedtime and his own bed…… the whole thing is becoming increasingly difficult and I’m not sure how to move forward without upsetting everyone (and the apple cart!!) further. Any ideas please? Anyone else been in a similar situation ?

Cbell you have resurrected a thread more than 4 years old, so I’m not sure you’ll get many comments going forward. You could post a new thread, but there’s actually a lot of advice in this old one.