Exhausted caring for granddaughter

Lesley 4357.All well and good but there are those who no matter how willing and dearly love their GC and want to be part of their lives may be unable to carry out what you were doing due to their own circumstances ie health issues.

Honey1958
I sympathise with you for the pain you are experiencing. Was 11 month old child care, and 11 month olds don't stay that age, your idea.It is normal to want to help your family but at what cost to yourself in terms of your heath. If you are experiencing pain now, and GD is yet to become really active, can you see yourself running around after this growing child and believe you me, from experience, you will want eyes in the back of your head.
A serious talk with DD and maybe offer to help if you have the financial means with her obtaining other forms of child care.60 is not old and you have years ahead in which to enjoy life. Don't deny yourself this due to ill health/pain when you can make other arrangements with DD concerning the care of GD. This does not prevent you having some involvement /care of GD but in moderation which has to be the key word.

I know your problem, too well from my own experience. My daughter and husband work shifts, they eventually changed their shift patterns so they do the majority of care and I fill the gaps, which I can manage. They also paid for nursery for 3 mornings a week. You need to speak and discuss options. I had to make it clear I do want to see the children.... just not all the time. This way works for all of us. Good luck.

Lesley that’s great if you have the energy, but the poster was explaining that, due to her ill- health, she is finding it too tiring. It reads as though she is caring for her grandchild on her own too- I don’t know about your situation, but I do know that caring on your own is tiring. There is no- one there to put away toys, change a nappy, or even make you a cup of tea while the child sleeps. I think she needs to have a conversation with her daughter and son in law. It doesn’t sound as though they are expecting her to look after their child, and they probably want the best for both her and the baby.

I had my gd 3 days a week from 9 months until she started full time school. I now do the same for my gs. Yes it's tiring, but worth it. No way would I see them in a nursery. They're only babies for 5 minutes, make the most of it.

I'm 67 and my dgs is 5 with a 2 yo sister. It comes as a shock to find we can't do everything we used to do 40 years ago when our own DC were small. I have the 2 yo alternate Fridays, and her brother as well for a few hours after school. Then little things like taking him to cubs, picking him up from school probably twice a week, and sometimes having him for the weekend. That's enough. I couldn't do any more and realistically you're taking on too much if you're covering every day.

If you make yourself long-term ill, there will be no childcare, so you need to do something now to stop that happening in the future. (I say that as a one day a week granddaughter-carer.) Please sit down with both parents if possible and explain that soon.
Try to care for her in her own home, and rest when she does. She will have her favourite toys on tap, and you won't feel the need to do your home jobs when she's asleep. Try to alternate noisy/active play with quiet play. Don't feel bad if she's watching tv.
Look after you. Good luck.

i was the same and was only 47 i looked after my grandson for just over a year but was in agony at the end if everyday i had to let my daughter know in the end i just wasnt up to it , she was a bit peeved but nothing i could do i suffer with depression and it was also beginning to affect my mood . my grandson was and still is an absolute pleasure to have but sometimes we need to just be honest . we want the best for our kids and grandkids but we cant do it at the expense of our own health . x

Hazy52 Some parents have no choice but to work full time in order to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Your daughter sounds as if she has money to burn and you sound as if you're living in a bubble with no idea of what other people go through. Witness the increase in food bank use and poverty - even amongst working families - in the UK over the last few years.

I agree with Apricity, date nights are important for the health of a marriage in these stressful times.
I live too far from my grandchildren to child mind on a daily basis but I often pop down to offer my time so they can have time to themselves and I get to spend quality time with the DGC.

If you go on like this you will end up not being able to help at all. I ended up with health probs through doing too much for too long with one gc. When the next lot came along we said we could not do anything at all on a regular basis but would always step in in an emergency and that has worked well. Once they are at school we love the regular pickups though - we get to see them and it is only for a few hours at a time.

It is sad that grandparents are being looked at as cheap/free child minders. It appears to me that young people want everything immediately instead of making do with second hand until they could save up for things like furnture. My daughter has had more brand new three piece suites than us in less than half our married life. A change in colour scheme is enough to go and buy something paying monthly.

A friend and her husband (he took early ill health retirement) in their late 60s had twin grandchildren. From the time the
twins arrived home their daughter expected their help which meant being there, when daughter's partner was working, from seven to seven every day. Daughter returned to work as a teacher so they became full time carers. They even take their holidays togerher so they are there to help. My friend has given up her retirement social life which was packed with things she had always wanted to do when working.

Before the twins were born they criticised other people looking after grandchildren saying their lives were taken over and how there was no help available from their patents when they were bringing up children but, are blinkered at how their daughter puts on them. My husband who, as a public service worker retired at 50, looked after our two grandsons on one day a week. The only reason was that our daughter wanted them to experience all the exciting things she did as a child and it was a pleasure for him. That one day a week was constantly remarked on especially if it clashed with some things our friends wanted to do.

At three years old my friend's health has suffered and she now has a heart condition. Daughter has reacted by putting them in full time nursery, even though she is only working part time, showing that money is no problem. I personally wonder what her teaching is like and how she copes with a class of children.

Honey1958 are you widowed or is your husband still working full time as you don’t mention him. If he’s around on a daily basis he needs to play his part in helping you with your DGD. Also where are SiL’s parents in this scenario? They need to help out too if they can.
DH and I have been caring for DGS since he was 3 months old and he’s now 6. I’m fairly healthy apart from the usual 60+ aches and pains but glad DH (retired) is there to help. Also our son still lives at home as he has Asperger syndrome, but loves our GS to bits and is a great help too. SiL’s parents have had care of 3 of their own g-children and both are in poor health themselves so the care of our DGS has fallen to us.
If nearby help’s not possible for you, perhaps you should discuss the possibility of nursery for a few hours every day.
Hope you can work something out!

GabriellaG, my view is that looking after our grandchildren so their parents can occasionally have a date night and go out for dinner, see a movie or have a weekend away together is a lovely gift of time and love for our adult children. I also look after my grandchildren so my daughters can have "girls nights" out with each other and also with their girlfriends. I would have loved someone to offer me that opportunity when my children were small. I don't see it as irresponsible behaviour or being "GM on tap" or exploited. It is something I choose to do and is very much appreciated.

Every family is different and we all do things in our own way. The important thing is that it is done with love not from a sense of obligation or under pressure or beyond our physical capacities.

I well understand your situation , Honey , as I am a similar age , with fibromyalgia and looking after DGS for 2 days per week . After struggling on for 5 months , I finally said it was too much . Now DGS goes to a nursery for 2 half days and my SIL arranges his shifts around this . I now have DGS for 1 full day a week . I absolutely love this and have the following day to recover . Please have the conversation with your DD . You have a hidden disability and your needs are important .

Be up front. Maybe you should have thought twice about making such a commitment in the first place knowing your health issues.

I agree with everybody else and have been in a similar situation, what we do for love! Apart from age the DGC were about twice the size of my babies and within weeks both DH and I had developed back problems. We cut back to two days and then later one day and that had to do. I also think doing a lot of small child care can be isolating and new found freedom is taken away, the play groups etc are a good idea. Do have a chat to your DD and see what can be arranged. I wonder what the cost to the NHS is of all our bad backs etc..........

Apricity
Date nights?
Surely those happen before marriage and setting up home together...?
When you decide to set up home together, you're supposed to be responsible for your own lives, not reliant on daycare (aka GMs) so you can be away from your chidren all day and have date nights/babysitting on tap.

We did 2 days a week starting when GS was 8 months old. I thought I was fit .... I wasn't.
So a year later broached the subject with DD and we compromised with 3 afternoons per week. Personally I couldn't handle the early morning start, approx 7.30 am.
There are emergencies when 'we' have to step in like chicken pox, eye infections and the like when they can't go to nursery and was generally happy to oblige. But not always if I had my own plans!
My DD understood and it worked well.
Moving on and GS now in second year at school & they need help collecting 3 evenings per week. Sounds easy .... But still tiring!
I fractured my wrist & ribs a couple of weeks ago (ouch!) so all after school collections cancelled.
But am thinking about my DS and his daughter. Not near us so no child care but DIL's parents were doing one day a week and then realised they were 'past it' so cut down to one morning until nursery can accommodate GD. Son wasn't upset ..... He understood that in ones 70s some of us find it all too much.
We all hate saying no .... But it has to be done and new plans put in place. I'm sure your daughter will understand

These thing are a lot worse at the beginning, you do get into a routine.
I had the care of my grandson from 9 months to 13 months until he started at nursery, and I lived with them during that time.
During the first month I was counting the minutes until his parents came home, he was very fractious in the afternoons. I know that it's daunting but get out and about as much as you can, to the park and playground , a ride on the bus etc, babies love that. Play games like peekaboo or row the boat. Make sure that she goes down for a nap, to give you both rest and respite, there may be a mother and toddler group nearby and you can certainly go to that, it will give you a sit down while she interacts with other children.
My daughter typed out a routine for me, which helped a lot, I don't think that I ever had a routine when they were young.
Good luck , and hopefully your daughter can improve the arrangements soon.

I warn a lot of my friends who's children have come late to parenting, not to over-commit themselves to childcare. Much as we adore our grandchildren, we often take on responsibilities in our late sixties and seventies that a generation ago we would have been doing in our fifties. There is no comparison in energy levels. I felt at my best in my fifties. Having got through the menopause I had a huge surge of energy and studied and qualified for a whole new career. I still do some work, though reduced through choice and I still love it, I have a very active life with going to the gym for aquarobics and Pilates classes three times a week, lots of lunches out with friends, WI membership and I help out with child-minding in emergencies but not with a regular commitment. It works well for me but I have friends who are permanently exhausted, at the beck and call of their adult children, expected to help out with child-minding to the extent of a full -time unpaid job.
Adult children make a big thing these days of having a career and seeing the world, or 'having a life' before settling down to reproducing in their late thirties and forties. What they don't factor in is their own parents energy levels. When child-minding is an occasional affair, the relationship with the grandchildren is lovely. We can be more relaxed and more tolerant, have fun and share treats, when it is not our daily norm. We are not the regular disciplinarians, as we would have to be if this was a daily undertaking. It feels lie a win-win situation.

We all want to help the best we can with our children but natures stopped us from having children at a certain age for a reason, we are older, get tired and have health problems but we do it, including me in the past. GN has given you some excellent advice. Thats all I can say and good luck

Wow just logged on thanks so much for all the suggestions. It helps to know I am not abnormal getting knackered! I dont have granddaughter fulltime. 2 days per week was agreed but it can often end up a 24 hour stretch which is too long. Will talk to my daughter and see if we can get some nursery sessions for which I will try to help with money wise as shorter stretches would be easier. Will also consider how i spend the time with granddaughter. I think I went into it thinking i was superwoman! Just need to be realistic I suppose. Thanks for the support x

It may be a better idea all round to look for a registered childcare provider and determine eligibility for childcare costs.

Try GOV.uk website or Citizens' Advice.

Hope it works out for you.

I agree with everyone else Honey you need to talk to your family before your health gets too impaired. If you are exhausted then you cannot care for your granddaughter safely, both of you will be at risk.
There will be a compromise if you look at things carefully, some options have already been mooted on here. Good luck.