Exhausted caring for granddaughter

Thank you. I do hope that OP has found some useful ideas here.

It is amazingly tiring. I feel like one of those car engines with a 'governor' fitted that cuts in and prevents speeding. The energy is just not there any more.
Good luck finding a way forward with your DGD.

This thread is demonstrating how much extended families are supporting the employment figures! Imagine if no grandparents cared for DCC how many parents might think the cost of child care was to high to make it worth working! All that extra UC to be paid out!

My sympathy for anyone with this problem. Ive shared childminding with the other granny but from age 1 to 2 and a half before dgd started nursery i had 2 full days with her. I was on chemo and very exhausted. I just struggled on until i got her for half days and now shes at school full time i only see her once or twice a week. I was back looking after her three weeks after big op. Dont know how i did it. Mother and toddler groups are possibly the answer as at leat you can put your feet up for an hour or so. I took mine to the library on a friday. It was a lovely break to meet other knackered grans

Nannarose your post was so sensible and helpful. We have a DS hospital doctor and DiL midwife. She too does shifts overnight and at weekends to fit in with his. They don’t always see that much of each other but can mostly cover the children. Other Gran and DH and I do cover when needed.

I worked as a Health Visitor, and was very aware of this problem. I completely agree that you must sort it out. I also say this as an individual - in one branch of my family, problems outside the parents' control meant they were heavily reliant on elderly grandparents for childcare, and it was very unsatisfactory. We did not live nearby - I helped out in the school holidays, but found it difficult dealing with children who had been both ignored and indulged by grandparents who, sadly, could not cope.

I would begin by looking yourself at what nursery / childminder provision is available locally and the cost. Depending on the geography and timing, you could get an idea of how things might work out.

You say that they work shifts. This may well work out for you all. Childcare providers normally need families to sign up for regular hours. Your DGD is also at an age where she will benefit from the company of other children and the extra stimulation of a nursery environment. So it may well work for you to have her outside of 'normal' hours.

You should begin a discussion with your daughter & her partner, keeping your own ideas up your sleeve until it seems sensible propose one of the ideas above.

I have a friend whose midwife daughter works 2 nights a week (equivalent to working half a week). The little one arrives at granny's having had his tea. He has a bath, milk & biscuits and a book, then settles for the night. Granny gets him up, gives him breakfast and gets him ready to take to nursery for the morning. Mum picks him up at 1pm, having had a sleep. So mum pays for 8 hours childcare from half a salary, granny contributes a great deal for relatively small effort.

I'd also add, in the meantime, that it may be worth looking out, and going to things like toddler groups, singing groups at the library, baby swim groups etc. Whilst they take effort to get ready and get to, the entertainment they offer (that you don't have to think about) can be very worthwhile.

Are you in a position to help them financially with childcare ? It would only be for a few years because as someone has said,free childcare is available for some hours after the age of three. I am not quite sure how many. You do need to make your position clear before they decide to have more children expecting you to cope.

I agree with Apricity. Don’t feel you’ve failed, there’s a reason why we don’t have children in our 50s and 60s, it’s because we don’t have the energy any more! I look after two grandchildren on separate days, and I am pretty tired after it. I don’t do anything tiring on those days either- no housework or taking them to activities. They have a walk in the park and a play on the swings and slides, and that’s it.
I can understand that you want to help them, and financially childcare is a burden, but they need to manage their finances themselves, and you shouldn’t feel guilty if you can’t provide all the care. Have a conversation with them, and soon.

You just have to be honest with your daughter. You've given it a go and can't manage it. It is what it is. Even without your health complications you really do notice how tired you get as you get older. When my grandchildren were younger and I was regularly looking after them I remember thinking, why am I so tired, I managed 3 little ones of my own! A few years down the track I now look after them in the school holidays and I am absolutely knackered at the end of the week. But I love every minute of it.

As others have said it will become more demanding once your granddaughter gets really mobile. It's no good for anyone if you collapse in a heap because you've become so unwell. You could offer to be available for emergencies or times when your granddaughter is unable to go to daycare because she is sick (this will happen I can assure you) or to pick her up from daycare on certain days and look after her for an hour or two until one of her parents is home from work. Maybe offer to babysit so your daughter and sil can have date nights occasionally.

Your daughter's family finances are not your problem. It is up to them to work out how they manage that aspect of their lives.

Hi, sorry it is not turning out as you hoped. However I think it is fair to all concerned to raise this with your DD & SiL soon so they can begin to explore options. You cannot make yourself ill over this. It is their child and their responsibility.
If you could do 2 non consecutive days a week ( a Monday & Friday?) or 5 shorter days it may make it more manageable for you and for the young family.

Usually from 3 a child may be able to have 30 hours free care.. so they have to consider higher expense for 24 or so months.
Good luck

It will not help if you overdo it, have some health breakdown, physical or mental, and then cannot do any caring for the foreseeable future. It is better to discuss the problem now before disaster happens and you can still offer some help.

You are also putting you DGD at physical risk if you are becoming too tired to cope, - that is how tragic accidents happen and I know you would never be able to forgive yourself if your DGD came to harm because you were too exhausted to be aware of a risk.

Put these points to your children, I am sure they do not want to risk their child's well being in this situation

I do think that you need to be straight with your DD. When one of my DDs wanted me to be involved in care for my GC so she could return to work we had an honest and open conversation about what might or might not be possible.

I was clear about how much I could do and when; and she then used this knowledge to make appropriate arrangements. She went back to work 3 days a week and the care of the children is shared between nursery, the other grandma and me. It has worked very well; but only because all the cards were on the table from before Day One.

If you have fibromyalgia and back problems, there is no way you can provide full time care for a toddler.

You must tell your DD. It is nothing to do with how much or little you might love your GD; it is to do with what is possible.

Sorry talk to your daughter not son!

Can you compromise by having her for the morning and then taking her to a nursery for the afternoon? I understand completely where you are coming from, my DS and his GF are trying for a family and they both have demanding jobs. I have already made it clear I would be happy to help out but I have a limit of 3 hours a day for a toddler as I know more would be too much. I'm sorry to say, if she is 11 months, it is only going to get worse as she gets a little older. I wish you good luck, but you need to talk to your son as soon as possible.