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Caring for Mother in Law

(18 Posts)
Brenda28 Mon 10-Dec-18 13:48:50

Hi all I was just hoping to get some advice. Myself and my husband are a year married and we have my mother in law living with us we have no children as of yet. To help my husband I began caring for my m.i.l as he works long hours. But I have noticed that since I began caring for her she has become more needy and seems to have stopped doing things for herself all together. This to be honest I can cope with but her new thing is that she expects me to bring her on day trips these could be shopping, drives to the seaside etc. Or to go out for lunch together.
It is all getting to be a bit much for me as she is very pushy and seems to want to take over all my time My husband has spoken to her on the subject but to no avail I don't want to fall out with her but I would like to have some insight on how to handle this problem civilly.
Thanks for reading and looking forward to hearing some advice 😊

Newatthis Mon 10-Dec-18 14:00:35

Brave you and very commendable for offering and putting up with it all. Any activities in your area for people her age group? It might give you a break, also hubby needs to step in, perhaps at weekends- it is his mum after all!

Teetime Mon 10-Dec-18 14:03:01

Hard as it sounds you must say NO when you really dont want to do something or you will begin to resent her and then things will deteriorate. Be clear with her about what you are willing and not willing to do for her- start as yu mean to go on. Good Luck.

janeainsworth Mon 10-Dec-18 14:15:39

How old is your MIL?
Why did she come to live with you in the first place?

Izabella Mon 10-Dec-18 14:20:39

I think you need to future proof. How long can you carry on, and could you do this AND look after a baby? It is difficult to advise as we do not know what she is capable of doing independently. Either way make some ground rules perhaps. State what you will do and what you can't/don't want to.

For day trips you could research local old folks groups and find what trips are available, or even local coach firms. Do not let her expect you to accompany her.

Good luck

Anja Mon 10-Dec-18 14:38:25

It rarely works in the long term these inter generational house share arrangements. Set aside one day a week, or one day a fortnight or even one day a month...whatever suits YOU and let be our day out.

I like the loading her into a local group too.

Also why not invite one of her friends, if she has any, around one day a week (or...) and let the entertain each other?

Anja Mon 10-Dec-18 14:39:34

Predicted texts! But I’m sure you get the drift.

Brenda28 Mon 10-Dec-18 15:28:48

Thanks so much for your replies she's 75 and moved in nearly a year ago after her husband passed away. The idea of suggesting joining local elder groups sounds perfect just after looking at a local knitting group she usually spends her evening knitting so this might appeal to her 😊. Thanks again everyone

janeainsworth Mon 10-Dec-18 15:35:35

Brenda 75 isn’t old, and although it will have been a very tough year indeed for her after losing her husband, she has to learn to stand on her own two feet and develop her own life and interests, and not be dependent on you to organise her life.
I think you’re a saint to share your home with her, frankly.

Marthjolly1 Mon 10-Dec-18 15:35:54

Definately put in some boundaries on your available time. The longer you leave it the harder it will get and the more she will expect. You are a very kind and considerate person but you must be firm and stick to you plan. Otherwise there is a danger of you becoming resentful rather than enjoying each other's company on a regular planned day out. And yes her son should take his turn. Good luck.

Izabella Mon 10-Dec-18 16:32:24

... or even the local U3A?

Dawn22 Mon 21-Jan-19 22:57:48

You are only a year married. Put down your boundaries early. Best advice. It is a long road ahead for you. Every day l still feel the implications of a 'wicked mil.

jeanie99 Sat 27-Apr-19 12:53:40

She's 75 yrs old, her husband died a year ago, was this the reason she came to live with you.
Is she an ill?
Did she give up her home and friends to move to your home?
Let me get this right you and hubby are wanting a family.

If you believe that she is trying it on using you as a servant/companion I think this definately needs to stop.

This is for your sanity, your marriage, her future and your childrens future if you have any.

Do you work? If you do the changes will have to be made around this and hubbies work.
You and hubbie need couple time, this is so important.

Still have the coffee and cake with MIL occassionally but you have to show who is boss in your home.

Try and keep things friendly so she knows you still care for her but be accertive.
You'll get there but it just takes time and she'll get the message that you are all a family and she also needs to consider you and her son for things to work for you all.
Best of luck

M0nica Sat 27-Apr-19 14:22:01

Brenda, what is the cultural background of your husband and Mi? Do they come from a culture where it is expected that on widowhood MiL will automatically move in with sons/DiLs? Do you share the same cultural background? If my supposition is right she is just repeating a pattern she has grown up and assumes she will continue.

Otherwise, unless she is disabled, and I do not get the feeling she is, I cannot see why a woman of only 75 (my own age) would want to just pack up her own home and live as an appendage to her son & DiL's household.

Obviously life immediate after losing yor husband is traumatic, but now he has been dead a year, could she not consider moving into a small flat near you and livng independently?

Chloejo Sat 27-Apr-19 15:46:57

We did this ok at the start but as she got older became so needy I was working and looking after my little grandaughter too. I regretted ever agree to it to be honest nearly caused breakdown of marriage. Things got bad I was worn out and asked social services for help.

Chloejo Sat 27-Apr-19 15:48:50

Make time for u as a couple go out get carers in to help even for morning shift you have a life and if your not careful she will take over sheltered housing cd be a good option

Dillyduck Sun 28-Apr-19 13:30:48

I'd recommend the Carers UK forum. This is a common problem!

paddyann Sun 28-Apr-19 15:19:19

It all depends on the family ,my GM lived with us all my life ,she died when I was 18 ,we all adored her .If you want it to work it can ,but dont do it if you think you'll come to resent her .