Elderly mum in hospital. What do we need to know.

If your mum wishes to go to live in a care home, and has enough savings or owns her house, then you can just sort that yourself. You might need to sell the house to fund it long term but it's her decision, nothing to do with social services.

This won't prevent the hospital wanting to discharge her soon but if you follow the advice here, you should be able to delay that long enough to sort a care home.

My dad was discharged like this and in the 3 hours that we were not there , he managed to fall and break his hip trying to use the commode and sadly died a day later . We feel so guilty , It really is shocking , people do not understand the devastating cuts . We were told he would have to try at home to be accessed by social services .

I hope you will be able to sort out a plan given all the good advice that has been given. I think the first thing is to demand 6 weeks respite/rehab which I believe is free of charge. This allows you and your mother thinking time. Then she will have time to think about moving. She may want to go home for a few weeks so that she can leave her own home in a planned manner to a new home of her choice. It is possible to have a portable elsan loo for the ground floor which can be discharged down a drain onece a week. Sheltered accommodation would give your mother ground floor living as well as opportunity for company if she can still manage to heat up meals and does not need care at night. Other wise she may have to accept the best way forward is the right care home where she can take her pictures, photos, and some furniture. I have not found care homes with easy access to the garden and privacy for receiving visitors. however as M0nica dais Age UK have all the necessary information and leaflets with questions to ask, and a help line. Please let us know how you get on.

caocao It's great that your Mum has adapted so well to her care package, but I'm a bit suspicious of her suddenly increased appetite.
Are you sure that you aren't feeding her carers, as well?

A friend of mine was put in this position and although this sounds really hard the only way things could change was for her to say she was no longer taking responsibility for her mother's care. That way Social Services have to take over.
Your mother has to be told that she is no longer in a position to be safe.
It's really hard but now is the time to be firm with her

JellyBaby - you say you will feel guilty if you have her with you and don't manage to care for her adequately yet you will feel guilty otherwise - If that's the issue then I advise you to have her with you - you don't say you're unwilling to do that, if you were I would not advise it BUT you must get carers in to help with her personal care so that there are no precedents set with any authority that suggest you will become the nurse as well as the provider of the home. Your mil will be much better off with you than in a home.

Look I am in exactly the same situation as you but with a daughter and however hard it is it is their choice at the end of the day. I live at my wits end 52 miles away but I have accepted that she has everything she needs to live the life she chooses even if it is not my choice. We have a life line set up for help and falls, keys in a safe on the wall, grip bars along all the walls, three phones, home delivered meals, We are now looking to see if Alexia will help in anyway.
The hospital can't discharge until a care package is set up so I would say work on that first, make sure she is not discharged until it is done. They should arrange for care to come in several times a day and everything she needs is in place. Ready meals can be ordered and a lifeline with a pendant set up. At no point, however hard, agree to have her at your place or you move in to help as the urgency to help drops. It is their choice and you need to care for yourself. I would rather my daughter had a happy life as she wanted even if its shortened.

We had a similar situation with our mum and, after many questions, were told that she was entitled to 6 weeks free respite care. We found a lovely place for her to go and although she wasn't happy about it for a couple of days she soon settled in. In fact at the end of the 6 weeks she asked if she could stay as she was enjoying the company.

My stepfather had diabetes which he managed very well until the age of 91 when he suddenly took a bad turn and had a leg amputated. The hospital wanted to discharge him but neither he nor us had a house suitable for wheelchairs. Eventually he was given a place in a care home where he lived for six weeks but then unfortunately died. It must be a great shock to a 91 year old body to lose a leg.

Jellybaby71011.
From experience, having taken place ten years ago, following my now late DH spell in hospital, I learned that on discharge he was to be given a 'state funded' care package. This was to be 'temporary', based on his needs then up to the patient should they require further assistance to fund this themselves .Only when the patient is without assets ie property/savings needed to further their care does the state again step in.

I shall be 96 next month. Have severe arthritis in both knees. Have lived alone in my bungalow for thirty years. My help comes in daily to clean or if I am in trouble is available at the end of the phone. Have a trolley to get around and commode by the bed.
Last year I was hospitalised for a short while because of complications caused by radiotheraphy to cure cancer. The NHS sent me to a care home for rehabilitation for a week.
The “care” was very poor as the home did not care for the NHS patients the same as the paying guests.

when I got home the Council provided
helpers to help me shower but after two weeks I was able to dispense with them. Some days it was midday before they turned up.
I do my weekly shopping by Dial a bus and scooter and cook everything from scratch.
Good news. Check up yesterday revealed am still in remission from the cancer.

Jellybaby I have no recent experience of sorting out care but glad others have made useful suggestions, just wanted to say how very sad I am for you and your Mum that it's come to this. I hope you can sort things so that both of you can have some happy times together without guilt or anxiety

She will need home care eventually they will try care in the home as much as they can but you will eve

Sorry that went with out my knowledge! Eventually she will head for permanent home care we have just been through all of this and it's all about cost if you have the money everything will be simple if not you will have to fight for her rights. Good luck.

THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED T Discharge your Mum without a full care package in place ! And a home assessment !

They also have to provide 6weeks free discharge support to your Mum.

Mum need Attendance Allowance ( day and night level) and YOU need a Carers Assessment ( so that you can sensibly rationalise what you can and cannot provide.

Do you live in A London Borough or elsewhere ?

Contact me on a private message and I will help where I can

They are supposed to do a multi disciplinary assessment before she is discharged, and then she must be discharged to a safe place with a proper care plan in place. Make sure you are included in these discussions. A few years back they wanted to send mil home from hospital following major surgery with her suffering from dementia and weighing only 5 stones!
Do not agree to have her at your house unless you want to commit to having her for ever. In our case after we dug our heels in, mil was sent to a residential care home paid for by Social services for a month. Thereafter she stayed there and we were responsible for making sure her bills got paid.

Hi, my mum at 86 years old had a Urine Infection which effected her brain mentally, she stayed for a couple of weeks in hospital. Because she was capable of making a cup of tea they said they were going to send her home. The night before she was due to go home in front of staff ????? she fell and broke her shoulder. Because of this she went into a residential home for 6 weeks. Social services sent her home and said she was now capable of being at home on her own we had a big argument with them and disagreed she wasn't capable on her own as I lived 250 miles away and my Sister worked. They put carers in place 4 times a day for half an hour. What a waste of space they where. Unfortuately my mum died from a fall 6 weeks later. I am sure she would still be here today had social services not sent her home.

Hi Jellybaby71011
I don’t know where you live therefore all NHS trusts have different facilities. Here in Northumberland we have small community hospitals that offer convalescence care. Failing that a care package can be put in place which offers carers who will visit up to 5 times per day. A physiotherapist and and occupational therapist should visit your mums home prior to her discharge to assess her needs. If your not happy and feel that your mum is at risk I suggest you speak to the ward manager/sister and explain the situation.

At present a social worker seem very elusive! When I saw her this morning she said the doctor had been to see her and she could go home Friday! Then the OT came and said that wouldn’t happen. Unfortunately apart from the dodgy knee, ruptured Achilles, leg ulcer ( out of sight under the plaster - the doctor we’d smell it if it was getting bad!), and the virtual blindness, she is also deaf.
My preference is for a care home and there are some lovely ones here. She will be self funding.
Anyway a really lovely student nurse was able to wash her hair this morning after I’d asked, using a cap thing that works like magic. Small victories.
She was so kind.

Me again- sorry everyone! Just spoke to the OT. Apparently she’s had a long meeting with my mother who has assured her that she wants to go home and will be able to manage! My mother didn’t tell us this. She says what people want to hear. We are shocked that we weren’t involved. My mother has absolutely no comprehension of how she will manage.
We will tell them tonight that we don’t want her questioned without us and we will also try to track down a social worker.

When my husband was due to come home after a couple of massive strokes, he was like a baby that couldn’t do anything apart from lay in his bed and shout, he was first sent to a cottage hospital while my home was sorted to be made ready for him. If you do decide to having her live with you then prepare yourself to live on a hospital ward as this is what your home will feel like.
We had a through room downstairs, no division in it, the front part was the family’s the back was where my husband plus lots of his equipment was, the overflow was in the front room and downstairs toilet, had to get rid of so much furniture though I did object when the OT told me if I got rid of the fridge something could fit in there. On top of all that there were two carers three times a day but district nurse when a catheter needed changing or had gone wrong.
Once they have her home the social workers seem to disappear, never around when you call and after so many months you find out they have left.
I had a young family who spent most of the time upstairs, wasn’t having them see their dad stripped off and no dignity for him, after 7 years he had to go to 24hr nursing home care as my own health was failing and he was getting worse, last 5 years of it he had dementia as well.
Sorry for this being so long but please don’t let them tell you it will be a bed of roses and easy to do because it isn’t. Very best of luck to you

Bijou - amazing! Well done, you

Be very firm and refuse to allow her to be sent home until there is plenty of help on offer and in place. Show a bit of weakness and they will discharge her .

Hi jelly baby, that is exactly what happened to my mum. Social services behind my back said they had spoken to my mum and that she said she wanted to go home. When I asked my mum had she said that she said they kept nagging her and felt she was being pushed to say yes. They sent her home 2 days before Christmas.

I can so sympathise with everyone on here who has posted of their experiences, and sadly it's getting worse. I can fully understand an elderly debilitated person wanting to stay in their own home, I guess I would, but once the care package in place you are definitely on your own. You are so right madmum until you have lived with it you don't realise how disruptive, stressful and tiring it can be for the whole family and how it can wear carers down. You start off with good intentions but if it goes on for years............