Elderly mum in hospital. What do we need to know.

One of the problems with this situation is that the amount and type of help available varies so much across the country. It really is a postcode lottery.

Despite it being an incredibly common situation, we really felt we were reinventing the wheel when we were given 24 hours notice that Mum was to be discharged. We hadnt got a clue what to do because she couldnt get out of bed unaided, was virtually immobile, almost completely deaf and had zero strength. Mum was telling the hospital she could manage fine. In the end we had to refuse to have her sent home and a social worker was assigned.

We were incredibly lucky that the social worker arranged six weeks in an NHS rehabilitation hospital, where Mum wasnt allowed home until she could lift a kettle and make a cup of tea unaided. Even after that we had three weeks of carers visiting three times a day before we had to start paying for them. Just as things seemed to be settling the NHS carer team left and we had to put an entire new team in place, prompting huge protests from Mum who unsurprisingly would have much preferred the people she had grown to know and trust. The privately funded team would sometimes put her to bed at 5pm upstairs in a room with no TV and where she couldnt see to read, so yet again we had to intervene to change to a new agency. The whole system needs a vast overhaul.

Orelse It is fine to say they are not allowed to send someone home without a package, but they wriggle and turn and exclude you from every discussion that they can, decide for themselves what constitutes a package and an assessment and you get dropped in the dog poo all the same. See some of my earlier posts to see what we went through.

Ive read these posts with such sadness. My dear mam died less than two weeks ago her funeral being four days ago. The fight we had was unbelievable getting her the care. She needed was a huge fight. Then a year later we had to do it all again for dear mil. I was told after lengthy meetings and assessments that my mil wasn't bad enough to go into a home we fought on and on till she was accepted by so called social worker again said she wasn't bad enough. She lasted four weeks in the home with good care and died I did write to the social worker to say she had died and never got a reply. Social services were quick to send the bill in for her care though.?

It is just so difficult, when you try to put point over or insist that they can't manage they will just say its a life style choice. They won't include you because the person has capacity and it is their choice however bad it is. Just so depressing and stressful support a person with disabilities.

Social services will probably arrange for a commode to be delivered. Lovely, the answer to everything. They may look at carers to help her wash, maybe meals though usually frozen. Respite in a care facility may be offered but there will be a cost. As you have been undertaking a lit of tasks already you will basically be expected to carry on doing so. If your DM is in a position to and also willing she could fund her care privately without going through social services uf this is not one of their considerations. Do hope you have a good and practical outcome.

The 'life style choice' statement is SS great let out. I think all of us have a fear of going into care, but I have spoken to a number of people in care homes, including family members, who said going into a care home was the best decision that they made. They were comfortable and looked after and had company and activities they could join.

One family member told me that if he had known how comfortable he would be in a care home he would have moved in 4 years earlier, as soon as his wife died (he was self funding)

It's such a difficult situation. My late MIL lived in a bungalow so could access the loo - as long as she could struggle out of her chair in time.
I so agree MOnica about 'lifestyle choice' - MIL would have preferred to stay in her own home, who wouldn't? Sadly she became increasingly aggressive, refusing to wash or change her clothes. Eating too, as she wanted to die and thought that starving herself would achieve it - then complaining that she was hungry as she'd forgotten.
At assessment she put on a great show of giving all the right answers.
She was clean, well-fed and safe in the nursing home but very unhappy and never really settled. A sad and worrying time for us all. Dementia is the scourge of our times.

Bijou.

I’m back!
Mum came home yesterday to us. We had a massive wobble last week when she said that she couldn’t use the toilet unaided even though the OT assured me that she could.
We wrote a letter to the OT outlining our worries about this and asking if we could meet to discuss an alternative care plan. We heard nothing from her so phoned and she said she had been to the ward, accompanied mum to the toilet and she was definitely managing independently.
This is not true. As she is completely unable to stand without holding on to anything she is unable to pull down her pants and trousers and pull them up again. She is not safe doing this. At 6 this morning we heard a massive crash and rushed downstairs to find my mother on the floor after using the commode. Being prescribed water tablets hasn’t helped the situation! At no point were we given the choice of respite care ( free or paid for by us).
As I was helping her tonight she asked for paracetamol as her back was really hurting her. I asked if it had been hurting all day and she said at some times today it was hurting so much she didn’t know what to do with herself. But tells me at 9.30 pm!
She isn’t safe here and I can’t keep her safe.
All the care plans with physios, carers, OT ‘s are in place but I feel that we haven’t been told the truth about her ability.
I don’t really know what I’m asking but we are struggling.
I can’t face taking her back to A and E about her back. Would a GP housecall be appropriate do you think?
Sorry again for the long post but again any advice gratefully received.
Thanks

Having been through similar experiences with both my mum & dad, I totally understand your difficulties and frustrations. My dad was in hospital for 4 months. He had assessments with the OT, SS and Physiotherapists, but quite frankly, the limited amount of time they spent with him doing their 'assessments' was a waste of time, and they turned up unannounced so I wasn't present. Half the time dad wouldn't even be got out of bed, and they'd just ask him questions about what he could or couldn't do ... obviously, dad wanted to be home, so he'd say whatever he needed to say to facilitate that! However, like I, you are obviously more aware of your mother's abilities, or lack of, than someone who sees them for few minutes, so the advice I give to you is to dig your heals in and insist on the OT, Physio, social services, district nurse, etc. visit your mother whilst you are present, and YOU tell THEM what your mother can and can't do! Incidentally, our district nurse was fabulous, and help us a lot! At the end of the day, you are the person who's shoulders everything will fall upon. You need to get as much help and assistance as you possibly can. The local authorities will try to get away with providing you with as little help as possible if they think that you will be on hand to help your mother. Obviously, we want to make sure that our elderly/sick parents are properly cared for, but we can't always do everything ourselves. Being a carer is one the hardest things to do and you need to lay down the ground rules now before the situation gets worse, otherwise it will be you needing care! Get as many people on board as you can, and you insist on the level of care that you need. Good luck with it all.

Thank you nansnet. Waiting for GP now.

It's ten years ago now but when my mum was in hospital the powers that be said that, if she could make a piece of toast and a cup of tea, she was fit to go home.
I was in her kitchen when she was being assessed and she was not capable of doing it. The assessor helped her and then said she was fine!
Eventually, when I was sitting on the sofa with tears dripping off my chin, my husband said it was him OR my mum and I realised it was time for her to go into a home. I just couldn't cope.

Jellybaby Wondering how your mum getting on?

Further to my message from Wednesday the GP came Thursday morning and she has broken a couple of ribs!
So she was only here for 16 hours before falling. She is now in absolute agony, and needs help to move so either me or my husband have to be in at all times! Today we have had 1 carer, 2 district nurses, a physio and 2 OT’s. I have drunk 4 half cups of tea and I am tired. But she’s really lovely and I so want to do my best for her but it’s hard and this is just the first few days. It’s this second injury that has made things so difficult.
I told the hospital that I didn’t think she was safe but they insisted she was.
I’m sure things will get better and my husband is brilliant and very supportive. And good at wiping my tears.
Thanks for your interest Lazigirl.

Your poor mum, especially as she was already incapacitated. One carer doesn't seem much? Have you got all the equipment that you need? Look after yourself.

in the nort east my aunt has fallen and broke hips ect needed to be in hospital and then on to a care home for at least 6 weeks as she lives in shelterd housing by herself.this has happend at least 4 times.

Jellybaby71011. Your local NHS is short changing you. She should have been entitled to 6 weeks funded Interim care.If her home isn't suitable this should be in a care home. Details here www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-after-a-hospital-stay/arranging-care-before-you-leave-hospital/
You might also want to contact the hospital and make a complait about the inadequate assessmentmade of her abilities by the physio.

Oh Jellybaby I am reading the thread feeling so despondent!

I cannot offer you much advice but others here have first hand experience of having to arrange care for elderly relatives. It makes for scary reading! It seems you have to be strong, persistent, awkward and angry to get anyone to listen - and it really shouldn't be like that, that difficult, should it?

Your poor Mum has had a fall already. Doesn't that say so much about the frailty of the elderly and the desperate need for a complete overhaul of the way they seem to be at the mercy of the system, which seems so hit and miss, uncaring and out to save money.

Just wishing you all the best. I hope things get easier for you and your Mum.

I told the hospital that I didn’t think she was safe but they insisted she was.

This says it all. It's just awful.

Adding hugs to my best wishes Jellybaby

Thanks everyone. We’ve got 6 weeks free care from a reablement team which includes physios carers and OT’s and they are all superb. The district nurses are arranging for a hospital bed to be delivered. She has an emergency call button. Everything is in place really. And it’s all been done on time and with great care and kindness. I have no complaints on that front. To be fair she didn’t need hospital care any more but she needed safer care for a little while. Hopefully things will improve from here.

So pleased for you jelly hope all goes well and she recovers.

My dad was discharged to respite care at 10.30pm I had to.help him dress and get him settled in this was all happening without me being even told. On the bright side it was a nice place there but dad just gave up.and stopped eating I was happy.he didn't pass away in that awful.hospital

Six weeks funded interim care! - I wish!! WE were offered this at home when OH was discharged just before Easter, but the offer was withdrawn because the care agency they use did not have the capacity to meet his high level of need. I told them to use a different agency on the grounds that he was entitled to this - but they refused.

I too had the nonsense of "He can transfer with one" "He is safe to do x,y,z" and it was all rubbish - complete rubbish.

And as for being consulted about anything at all - I wish. People kept deciding what should happen and wandering in and announcing it - consultation didn't come into it.