Husband with cancer taking it out on me

So sorry you are going through this ...as others have said, I is sadly the nearest and dearest the frustration and anger is taken out on. My husband had Parkinson's, dementia and cancer of the oesophagus ...he had always been so capable working all day on the house and garden ..planning the next project that even when he was ill he was trying to paint the shed …..I was unable to stop him without being abused and having all sorts of things thrown at me (objects, as well as abuse !) He refused any help at all ...pushed me and the Nurse away, fell so many times when I had to call the ambulance as I could not lift him, refused to wear the pull up pants and tried to climb out of the hospital bed we had at home, that for the last three months I had no choice, with no help, but to find a care home for him and tell him I was looking for a more suitable place we could live with no garden etc (the psychologist advised I keep up this), it was hard to visit him every day and when he was still able to speak, to hear him say Get me out of here,,,,,and the worst was when he as ked for a lawyer so he could sue me for taking his money (I didn't...he never had any, preferring to spend it all) the money for the care home came from an inheritance of mine which was sad but fortunate or I could not have paid for it ! I really tried to keep him at home and despite his anger and aggression, I tried to say to myself it is the illness,,,although he had always been fairly self centred we had only been married for 15 years (he was a widower) and out of those, around 5 were good and many times I had saved up to leave, and then stayed. In the end I was pleased I did and feel that although I did everything I could for him he . would never have been happy He died in May this year and now at last he is out of his misery. If you find it too hard to look after him at home, NEVER feel guilty if you have to find some outside respite ...and think what he would do for you if it were the other way round, When I had cancer which returned twice husband told me to stop making things up and there was nothing wrong with me (no, only two years of chemo and two major ops ! ha ha) and that was before the illness he had ! Bon courage x

Have you looked into rest bite care , where you can have a day out once a week . Having that little bit of time to yourself and not running around after your husband . It would give you something to look forward and give you the edge to carry on during the week . I know it's not easy , through experience , but keep your chin up .

I suggest you join the Carers UK forum asap. Lots of support and advice there. I'll keep an eye open for you, later on in the day.

I used to be a Marie Curie nurse so I understand entirely what you are saying...my patients were all so lovely to me, but I know from their relatives that wasn't the case often when I wasn't there. As a lifelong nurse and someone that has run wards and nursing homes, I am bossy, so when DH isn't well, he is a doctor by the way and the worst kind of patient, I am matter of fact, kind, do whats required, but don't allow him to push boundaries. He broke his arm whilst waiting for a hip replacement and was all kinds of awkward! I just set the rules and the boundaries. I will help you in any way I can as long as you are not taking the micky, if you can do it yourself, do it. You don't get to take it out on me, because I am the one that is here....if you do get arsey…..then I wont be the one that is here. What I do, I do with love, if you are mean or nasty, then I wont be feeling the love and you wont be getting help. Yes of course its the condition he has, he is watching himself diminish....from strong husband provider role, to what Im sure he perceives as someone incapable and needing all your help, the incontinence Im sure is the last straw for him. Its a fine balance between understanding the hurt and helplessness he is feeling, but not allowing him to become the unkind, demanding bully at home. Ive had experience of this with my own mother. I would drive 3 hours to take her out for the day and when I arrived at 10am...earlier than expected...she would have gone out as she wanted me to be there at 8.30! she would be unkind and rude...I put it down to depression of old age which is common. My brothers reduced their visits and she became ever more lonely. In the end I sat her down with a cup of tea and told her non of us wanted to visit because she was being so horrible. I mentioned lots of incidents and said if this continues mum, you will be on your own. She left the room, clearly had a cry, came back and believe it or not made a huge effort in the future. My brothers even commented on how much nicer their visits were. Good luck.

It is known as the circle of intimacy. Others are treated pleasantly, but nearest have the unacceptable behaviour until they too become within the circle. Several posters have explained tactics that may ease things. You are doing a terrific job, hope you find some solace for you.

My mother had a severe stroke in 1992. One day fit and healthy, the next struck down, paralysed, no speech, no comprehension, could not walk, read, write, speak, had to go into a nursing home and was totally dependent on others, not even able to turn in bed, had to be turned during the night to prevent bedsores. When I visited she was often furiously angry with me, staring fixedly and banging her wheelchair; other times weeping inconsolably. I wrote to the Stroke Association and they said people usually take it out on those closest to them and she was trying to communicate her feelings without words. It was terrible because I could do nothing to make things better. Speech therapist and physio did not help at all. My advice try and plan little escapes for yourself. Could anyone sit with him while you get out even just for a walk? There is nothing you can do. It is not your fault this has happened. We had 9 terrible years of seeing my mother trapped and suffering.

A friend who was in a similar situation recorded one of his ‘episodes’ then played it back to him. Listening to the way he had spoken to her, as though listening to someone else, really shocked him. He improved a lot afterwards.

I will just send my love and support because I have no personal experience of caring for a sick husband. My mum nursed my dad through cancer and as far as I know he didn't become nasty to her. Just remember to call on gransnet when you need to vent. We are all here to help x

Hi. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Talk to the carers about this, and your GP. A support group, like Marie Curie might also help. They should know how he is treating you in private and they should know how this is affecting you.
His type of behaviour is not uncommon at all, but that doesn't make it right.

I have some personal experience like yours. A family member was an absolute b***h to her relatives, sweet as pie to everyone else. It means that, even when there is pain, there is enough mental control and awareness of who they have to be nice to and who they can bully.

For your own wellbeing, please seek help.

If nothing else, ask your GP about his mental status. Pain, medication, disease and depression can all cause and exacerbate personality and behaviour changes.

However, for my tuppence worth, I think he is bullying you on top of all his other problems. You need help to help yourself because you are the only person in this dynamic that can change. He's never going to admit that his behaviour is unreasonable, so only you can change your response to that. Please, please get independent help, before your own health breaks.

Your words...He cannot function without me... This is the problem. He resents this and it has now become a resentment of you. Sending hugs x

A lovely post luckygirl can't add anything so sending ?Bobbydog and to all you carers out there

I feel very sorry for both of you. He is probably very angry and upset by his condition, frustrated by his limitations and you are the one to bear the brunt of all all this. It can't be easy for you at all but not for him either. Can you try and have a bit of time to yourself to switch off doing something you enjoy for a little while, and let some of the remarks wash over you. Sorry I can't be more helpful but you have all my sympathy.

I had similar with various issues when my husband was alive. A dear friend whose a nurse (my husband was never like this) helped me.

She said to me my husband was afraid, worried, scared for the future, worried about me and so on.

I stopped to think. I said to my husband " I want you to listen to me and not interupt" I said " I am sorry if you think havent acknowledged your feelings. I am running around trying to make things as best as I can for you and haven't had time to think. However although I don't like the way you talk to me and I would like it to stop, I want to acknowledge that I know your fearful, worried, angry and scared for you and I" My husband simply said "Thank you" and that was ot. He was the same usual loving man again with this grumbles though. Ha! Typical David

For me once I had to say it was enough. You may have to say it a few times depending on how long this goes on for and various stages. Let him know you love him too.

It worked for me. I hope it does for you. We all need our feelings acknowledged and we often dont know how to do it. I hope this helps you

On behalf of all cancer patients I cringe and apologise. You can't care for him unless you are as well as you can be. and that includes your head.

Sounds like a typical man (he's lost control of his life) and you need to retrain him, however ill he is. There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour. Strongly suggest you make time for yourself, every day, where you do not respond to calls, and you relax. (Unless of an emergency nature, obviously)

Do you think a timetable might be in order so you know what you are doing and when? So does he.

The problem with being in bed is the total boredom. Does he have enough to do? Is there a TV to watch? Are there books? Does he have a tablet so he can contact the outside world? Do you have an internet connection? There is a load of entertainment out there, including short videos and articles suitable for those with small concentration times. If he's able to watch longer programmes and films, there's Netflix and Amazon Prime.

You might contact your local hospice to ask for advice. Might he be in intractable pain and not want to admit it? They are well experienced in handling emotional angst and dealing with pain. Also looking after carers - they know the importance

Good luck.

Thoughtful post, beautifully written Luckygirl.
Bobbydog,

I always think that if they can't be nasty to those they love, who can they be? I don't know if it's because they know that you are the one that will always be there to support them or reckon you will put up with it because you love them.
As has been suggested, please get in touch with Marie Curie or Macmillan - if nothing else, you will be given a willing ear and support through this time. Whenever you can get a break, take a few minutes on your own even if it's just time to read the paper, watch a favourite tv programme, sit in the garden with a coffee or go for a walk.
Just remember, you are not alone there is always support and kindness available.

You are allowed to run out of patience and you are allowed not to be a saint. I know so well how this feels.

Everyone tells carers they must look after themselves too - and it can go unheeded, as it seems such a trite mantra. But it isn't. It is fundamental to your role. You are still you and not just his carer, and you must trigger self-preservation strategies. It is the only way forward.

If he is being difficult, just say you cannot deal with this - and say you are going to have to leave the room. I know it sounds harsh, but it feels worse to engage in an argument. He is frightened and feels demeaned by what is happening to him and what you are having to do for him; so he takes it out on you. It is easy to understand how and why this is happening, but less easy to handle it.

I really do think that when he behaves in this way, you must distance yourself. Having a terminal illness is always the trump card (I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true) and a huge guilt-generator. Guilt and caring go together.

It may be that this final phase of his life will be tainted by unacceptable behaviour and a distance that neither of you would have chosen. But that may be just how it has to be.

I really do know exactly where you are coming from, and accepting this phase with all its imperfections and disappointments is the only way to go. It is what it is; it is not what you would have chosen; and truly you can only do your very best - we none of us can do anything else.

I am sending sympathetic thoughts your way.

I would also urge you to contact Marie Curie, I don’t know how I would of coped without them when my DH was in his last few months last year they were all angels and so supportive of both of us. It’s not easy I know.

Thanks again for your input. Even in a quiet moment he won't admit he has an attitude that he saves just for me. We have been married for nearly 52 years and I don't want to
remember him as this narky old man that made my life miserable.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It is such a terrible illness and your OH is probably frightened as to when he will circum to it,but that doesn't give him the right to be the way he is I think he is using you as a whipping board and knows no other way of venting his anger on the chips he has been dealt poor man.
Certainly speak to him when he is calm and tell him you will go out with a friend/relative if he persists (as long as you feel he can cope on his own) and recharge your batteries.
Can you arrange for respite care for a week or so and get away for a short holiday of somekind ?

Thank you or your support ladies, it's good to know others know how I feel. When he is in a reasonable mood I tell him how much it upsets me the offhand way he treats me but he says I'm too touchy and he isn't offhand at all. My daughter has witnessed it and gave him a talking too but he says she's as bad. His logic is the person who objects to a comment is the instigator of an argument. In other words if I comment on his attitude I'm starting a row. I always remember years ago a friend going through the same with her husband saying if the cancer doesn't kill him I will. I thought that was awful at the time but I can understand her remark now.

Been there .... It is not your dear husband it is the awful disease .
Having said that it is hard , OH was afraid of being on his own and was stuck in a chair , I had to keep talking so he knew I hadn't left ( mind you I could have walked in a heart beat )
It is frustrating , you are the only one he can yell at and be demanding with because he bottles it all up for "strangers" , he is , as you say , taking it out on you .
We had carers so I could get out and breath , sadly it does come to an end
Take every opportunity to get out by yourself or a friend

bobbydog

I echo Jura2's comments. This is going to be how it is for you. He's lucky you're still doing all the things you do but you need some respite from it. Tell him he needs to go into care while you get your strength back.