Husband with cancer taking it out on me

My condolences to you bobbydog.

Please be kind to yourself now, you have nothing to feel guilty about. His time had come and you must think of it as a release for him and give yourself time to grieve for the man you spent a lifetime with.

I'm so sorry to hear your news, bobbydog.

Its still very early days for you, but when you've lost a loved one, even years feel like early days.

I'm sure you have nothing to feel guilty about; its a known stage of the grieving process to feel guilty though.

Again, my condolences to you.

After posting my grumbles in June about my husband's terminal cancer, he passed away 2 weeks ago and I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I'd do anything to have him back giving me a hard time. I miss him so much. His passing was not peaceful and my daughter and I stayed with him until the end. The pain I feel is unbearable at times. I can't believe after 51 years together I am on my own and will never see him again.

Thank you,Tillybelle. After telling the specialist nurses that his cancer of the lung was terminal and then spread,one lady arrived.Wrote down his medication for his heart,diabetes,cancer,stood up,shook hands and said 'I will discharge you from my caseload,call us if there is anything you want,it might not be me because I am three days at uni'. All the expensive adverts on TV,of You are not alone,caring,sharing,listening,supporting. Shocked.

I do sympathise. I feel so sorry for you and your husband. You do need to look after yourself though and have some "me" time in order to cope when he is being unpleasant and tell yourself it's the illness not him.

I am wondering also what medication he is on bobbydog. I understand that he has always been abrupt and, for want of a better word, bossy?
A friend of ours is the sweetest man and our DD is very fond of him, but he made a couple of remarks to her when she saw him last which upset her; I said to her that I thought it was the morphine speaking and not him.

You should be able to pick up replies by clicking on 'inbox' (top of the page on the desktop site, not sure about the mobile site) and then you will be able to click on your inbox and sent mail.

Perhaps you should try to practise what men do ie selective hearing, put on the radio and try to tune into that and out of the incessant demands once you know that he is comfortable and settled.

Also I have PM someone but don't know how to redeem any replies.

As Callistemon said there are so
many kind and thoughtful people on Gransnet. It is all about him and I get that but he has always not had a way with words. My daughter says with him it's not the contents it's the delivery, just now its 10 times worse and he just cannot see it. And Ameliarose I too leave him to it when he get unreasonable but when I return it's as though nothing happened. Don't know whether that's good or bad.

Bobbydog24
You poor thing I used to say to mine .oh are we going to have another of those days & he,d snape back yes ,& I,d say well see you later & he was very quiet when I came back ,no apology, but knew I had his number

and I agree with what aggie said too:
It is not your dear husband it is the awful disease

Luckygirl that is a lovely post and full of wise words; so many kind and wise words on here.

However, I certainly would not be treating a sick husband like a naughty 8 year old, nor filming someone when they are suffering from terminal cancer just to prove to him how bad his behaviour is. What a thought, and what an indignity for a sick old man.

He may not realise he is doing this, as he may well now have 'centred in on himself' and his needs. Telling him quietly but firmly and kindly and perhaps going into another room to distance yourself for a short while may be a good tactic. Do you have a good friend, relative who is prepared to listen to you, which can help you before you reach the stage of being unable to cope? You need to be able to offload.

bobbydog
I do feel for you and can only echo what Mawbroonback and jura2 have said at the beginning of the thread.

Your husband is, presumably, very frightened as well as probably feeling ill and perhaps in pain and anxious about what is going to happen. We do tend to take those nearest to us for granted but I do think, on the whole, that women are more independent than men when it comes to trying to do things for ourselves.

Do you have a hospice at home support group where you are (sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, may have missed that).

Can you get someone to come and stay with him, if he needs this, so that you can sometimes get out with a friend even if just for a coffee - not just food shopping or for essentials - a time when you can just relax?
You can always come on here and let off steam too

I wish you all the best.

Sadly I don't think OP should hold her breath for a carer's assessment - I have been waiting for one since Easter. I have given up reminding them. Even in the event it happens, the main thing they offer is a small one-off payment to help you get in a carer for you to go out now and again.

Do you not have carers in apart from the reablement team with their rehab brief? I do (now a live-in carer) and it is impossible to imagine that I could have managed without them. One of the prime aims of having the carer is so that I can go out to recharge my batteries and make a sporting attempt to stay sane. The cost is eye-watering and I suspect that we will have to be looking at re-mortgaging - but it is worth it for him to have proper care and for me to have the chance to maintain my equilibrium. There is funding available from various other sources - happy to explain it all if you pm me.

I think that you have to stand up for yourself. Being a martyr is allowing him to be a tyrant. Go to your GP they should be able to help you with a carer's assessment. But in the interim walk away when you think that he is being abusive. Maybe get out and have some time for yourself on a regular basis. Your batteries need a recharge. X

Bobbydog, I am going through the exact treatment as you. My husband is also terminally ill, he has asbestosis and really bad arthritis running with it as well. He has difficulty breathing and everyday suffering with pain. Like you, I am his wife, carer, nurse, cleaner, cook and skivvy that gets shouted at more or less everyday. I cry,, I fight back but the problem doesn’t go away. I offer to take him out in his wheelchair but he prefers to sit in his chair 24/7, yes, he doesn’t even go to bed as he cannot lie down. It’s a nightmare, never ending. However,, he has a carer in the morning and has 3 different male friends that come to visit him on certain days. I go out, for half days to recharge my life and feel I’m getting some normal life. It is hard, I don’t like the situation we are both in, I didn’t ask for this but have no choice. Please feel free to contact me if you feel the need. Best of luck, we are in the same boat. X

When my husband was dying of cancer he was the same - bullying me and charming to everyone else. The Macmillan nurse told me it was remarkably common for a spouse to up and leave when being constantly undermined by a partner dying of cancer. I didn't, but came close to it a few times. It sounds harsh but perhaps you should tell him you can't stand it any more and are thinking of moving out. That might jolt him into realising how this illness is not all about him.
The nurse also said that the stress of caring for a terminally ill spouse sometimes results in the carer dying first, so look after yourself.

It doesn't sound nice a thing to do but what if you recorded him and then played it back to show him how it is for you.

Ah - the blanket not folded right!! - I am feeling your pain! I know this scenario so well.

It is interesting how people in your OH's situation live in a shrunken world where small things take on a huge importance. Tiny details matter a lot, because the mass of other things that usually occupy our minds has ceased to fill their lives. It can I know be intensely irritating.

I know I will feel guilty eventually but in the here and now he is so demanding even down to the way I hand him
something, I don't do it right. I know the closer you are the worse you are treated but it puzzles me how his whole demeaner can change when someone else visits. He's even hinting at not needing the reabilitation team anymore, so I will be doing everything for him. He should be moving around, even if it's to the toilet but he sits in the chair with his padded pull up and uses a pee bottle. He's been on anti depressants since his cancer was diagnosed he was so bad at the time so he's not depressed. I walked out of the room tonight before I blew, after putting him to bed and making sure he had everything he needed but the blanket he might need in the night wasn't quite folded right. For gods sake, does it matter. Instances like this are a daily occurance which wear you down over the day.

Can I just agree here with everything that this lovely lady is saying. I too am a carer for my husband who had an accident 25 years ago in which he suffered a brain injury which resulted in an organic personality change. In short he became the complete opposite of the person he was, and as his carer my life was also completely changed. His behaviour was very hard to cope with and I reached rock bottom, but after counselling I realised that I had to remember I also had a life to live and could not simply become his servant. After a crisis, he agreed to seek help for his inability to control his mood and behaviour and is now on medication to keep him calmer. We have managed to find a way to deal with the circumstances we are now in, which is not how we ever expected to be living our lives, but crucially he eventually recognised how badly his behaviour was affecting me, and I came to realise that I had to find enjoyment in my life for my own sanity. Don’t feel guilty about looking after your own well-being. Contact any organisations that you can, be it for carers, or MacMillan nurses or see your GP and tell him how difficult your circumstances are and ask for help to find ways to manage your stress. Your own needs are equally important as your husband’s. You are not alone, Sending you my very best wishes.

bobbydog24 just a suggestion, could you ask the consultants secretary to ring Macmillan management locally and ask for (more) support?

Bobbydog24

I am so sorry that you are having such an awful time. I do know exactly how you feel because I went through the same with my husband who was also desperately ill. Nothing I did or said was right, and he really was very nasty to me sometimes whilst of course being utterly charming to the doctors and nurses. I knew of course that he was ill and scared and tried hard to make allowances but I didn't always manage it. BUT what was worse was the terrible guilt I experienced after he died. Why didn't I have more patience? Why did I snap back sometimes instead of being more understanding? It's so hard when you're ill to be sweet and kind to those around you - no wonder the poor man couldn't manage it. I guess what I am trying to say is, do whatever you can to be patient in the face of the extreme provocation you describe - I do know how hard it is but if you can, it will mean that if/when your husband dies you will have little to reproach yourself with. I have a lot of regrets about my lack of understanding and it's hard to live with. My thoughts are very much with you.

Your hubby clearly feels emasculated being incontinent. He’s lost control of his body and is fighting to keep control by bossing you around - actually you call it bossing but in fact it’s bullying and irrespective of his terminal diagnosis you have to have a frank discussion whether it descends into an argument or not - you say he needs you so when he becomes unreasonable tell him you are removing yourself from his bullying and just walk away - leave him to whatever it is that he can’t do himself and let him come to his senses - you have become his carer now and you need to work collaboratively with the other carer so you should tell her that he is being nice to her and t resting you like a slave and that she must impress upon him that she is. It working in that situation either - she must respect you as much as him - she’s not helping him so that he can belittle you - you have the whip hand in this situation - so stand up for yourself and assert your rights as a human being not to be bullied

I feel so humble when I read some of the posts but I know I'm not alone. OH has always been controlling and speaks his mind but as has been said, he can turn the charm on when he wants to. His consultant suggested a catheter but warned it could make his bladder lazy should he recover from his incontinence, the reason for it hasn't been determined. Another suggestion was a convene which is like a condom with a tube to a bag, so we are going down that road. He is supposed to walk a little a day, to the downstairs loo and back is enough but he's quite happy to sit with his bottle and wee in that. I've told him he should try for the toilet at times but he just huffs.
I have had no help from McMillan other than one visited him in hospital and rang me to tell me how he was. His consultant initially got in touch with them to give us some support and when I told her the amount she was dusgusted. I have heard this from others too. I've no experience with Marie Curie so I can't comment. Ive vented on Gransnet and it does make me feel better but just someone in person to listen would be nice. It's early days yet so not thinking of respite at this moment and after seeing both my parents in a care home I won't if at all possible do that to him.
I have had to move a bed downstairs as his legs are unable to take the stairs. He is to have physio when he's feeling better to strengths them.

I am so worried that this is quite common due to the struggles of the NHS. It really is not right to put the daily care of a terminally ill person onto their elderly or even young retired relative or loved ones. It is abusing them imho. What will happen to them when they become ill and are the only surviving person in the house?

I am so terribly sorry to read about so many of you who have this direful situation to deal with. It is terribly sad and terribly wrong too. You should have more help. As soon as your husband/mother/relative starts to 'take it out on" you or abuse you in any way, it is a sign that things are beyond the stage for you being able to cope alone at home in that way any more. The next stage has to be brought in. More help, respite care, hospice care, or whatever is appropriate or available.

The patient has to be reassessed and the carer's words taken heed of concerning the moods. This is a very important part of caring for the patient! His/her state of mind should be uppermost in the Health Providers' decisions regarding the support they give. The terrible moods and nasty behaviour are big signs of depression and anxiety. That they only come out in front of the closest loved one is very normal - that is why the medics must pay attention to her!

How I wish I could do something! I can beg you not to put up with too much. In doing so you may not actually be helping your dear husband/mother /the patient in the best possible way. They may be sending out signals of distress which medical intervention can help.

I was so blessed that my DD was peaceful and grateful for everything when he was dying. In itself that brings me floods of tears now. But I realise how lucky I was. There were other things going on, not to do with him, that caused me great grief in my life, but dad was just so wonderful. I count my blessings and realise how lucky I am.

I send you all much love and pray you will get help soon and that peace may come between you and the loved one for whom you care. You are truly wonderful people. ?

Saggi. Oh Saggi! I don't know how you keep going! Is there anyone who can help you? I can't bear to think of this abuse you get day in day out and that you feel completely trapped because he had a stroke. You have told us about this how long it has gone on, before. It is terrible! Whoever is responsible for his care, or his diagnosis should know that he is like this. One person cannot be expected to live with it every day of their life! It's Dickensian!

I wish I knew what to suggest. Please try your Doctor and tell him/her how dreadful it is. I suspect you have learned to put on a brave face. I did this in different circumstances but with similarities. I look back now and wish I hadn't. You could tell your Doctor how it is at its worst. Don't be so good at coping! You are not being fair to yourself and it's your life that is going by.

You deserve better, my love, please reach out for help.

Wishing you some very good help soon and that your life changes and you have some peace and happiness,
Love from Elle ??