Mum won't stay in rehabilitation

Katyj It sounds terrible. My mum was in rehab for a long time and had the best support. Are you having team meetings?These were organised in mum's hospital. Everyone,me, mum, physio's, doctor, consultant, nursing staff and social worker were invited to attend and gave their opinion about what the next step would be. It was very useful and somewhere I could ask questions about things. If you haven't had one could you suggest to her medical staff that they call one? It sounds like your mum needs a support and care package and the social worker could do this. Good luck and hope things improve.

Thank you for replying it's so difficult negotiating everything I've never been included in any meetings.The Dr asked to see me yesterday at the hospital, were he was trying to persuade mum to go home again, I'm sure if I hadn't been there they would have.I put my foot down and told them she has already tried twice in 9 days and hasn't felt well enough.She's been sent to another rehabilitation place today, but it's 12 mile away, hope they can help her regain some strength and she can come home soon.

If she insists on coming home unwell and dizzy she will need to live without stairs. Severe vertigo she'd be helpless on a stair lift.

She needs a walking frame and instruction not to stand up suddenly. She needs to drink water and advised how to get it down her, as water drinking can be boring.

As inconvenient as 12 miles away may be, a different rehab may = a different result. Fingers crossed. You must both be exhausted by it all

Yes were hoping a change of place will be just what she needs. She is in a first floor flat with a chairlift, but she knows she wouldn't be able to use it yet, I think that's part of the problemon, she feels isolated and doesn't want to be alone during the night.She is adamant she doesn't want to move, but she may have to if she wants to stay in her home town.

She cannot be discharged unless a suitable care package has been put in place. However, hospital doctors and adminstrators want people like her out of hospital asap, as they need the bed.

My experience is that they will use every possible wile to get an old person out of hospital, regardless of their ability to cope and when they do not cope, refuse to let them come back into hospital. At times like this the only way to get a satisfactory discharge is eternal vigilence, which is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. Anyone who manages to avoid ever being in a situation like yours is very lucky.

M0nica can I say my experience was entirely the opposite. The team caring for my mum were concerned about where she went and what provision was made for her. She was in hospital a long time and one proposal was a care home with nursing care. When I couldn't find one that I thought would suit her they immediately began looking for a care package so she could go back to her own flat. She was in hospital for almost 5 months and no-one ever suggested they needed the bed. I don't think she was an exception. A much younger woman in the next bed (possibly late 60s) was complaing loudly because they wouldn't let her go home until a new banister was fitted to her stairs. She had a broken leg

Trisher I think you are very fortunate. I had to contend with two different local authorities in counties 100s of miles apart and had similar experiences.

In one case a particularly unpleasant consultant psychiatrist played silly games of intellectual brow beating and emotional blackmail with me to try and get me to take a relation into my own unsuitable home (and out of his health authority) before he was fit to be discharged. Fortunately I was supported by the Community Psychiatric Nurse attached to my uncle's GP practice, who shared my opinion of the consultant and said he would not consent to a discharge until a place was found in a suitable care home and guided me to the care homes best suited to his care (very successfully my uncle lived in the home chosen very happily for over six years).

In the second case I was joined in the care of other relations with a cousin who was herself a consultant in the NHS and we could not stop the precipitate and premature discharge of a patient with dementia back home to live with her similarly afflicted spouse, with little warning, no equipment, and into a house that was completely unsuitable for their needs. There ensued 5 days of chaos, with multiple medical and psychiatric interventions, a care work who went well beyond the call of duty to try to cope with caring for them and my almost constant presence. I then told Social Services to find me a care home with places for them immediately, which they did. My cousin and I had by then already put in an official complaint that was later upheld.

Fortunately my relations were self funding, and after a short stay in the emergency care home we moved them to one more conveniently situated and more suitable for them, with absolutely no help and advice from social services.

Just had a call from the o/t to say mums ready for home and she doesn't want carers her family will look after her ! The family is me an only one, when she phoned I was looking after my young grandchildren in the park so couldn't talk for long, I'm at work for the next two days, so goodness knows how I'm going to manage .

KatyjI think a bit of tough love comes in here. Speak to your mother and tell her how much help you can give. Tell her, for example, that you will call in most evenings and do a weekly shop but cannot help with getting up, going to bed, cooking, cleaning or bathing - and then stick to it.

Speak also to social services and make it absolutely clear to them, that you are the only family she has and that you cannot offer the help she needs. They are used to elderly people telling them they need no help, that family can cope, but hearing from you - and you sticking to the limit you have said you can manage - will help bring it home to them.

It may mean a day or two when your mother has to spend a day in her night dress, and live on bread and butter. But the quicker everyone, especially her, realises that she has to accept outside help, the better.

It will not be easy, and in very different circumstances, I have had to refuse to give help I could not sustain to a dear one who needed it, and it was not easy, but had to be done. The result in the end was one that was better for all of us.

You have my sympathy at this very difficult time.

Thanks MOinca good advice although I know it's going to be easier said than done.The o/t rang back to say because she's not strong enough to make herself anything to eat yet, she can have carers 3 times a day.What a relief I just hope , she accepts them coming and going , but like you say I have to be firm.I feel at the moment I'm pulled in all directions, there's only so much to give, before I'm ill and no good to anybody .