Elderly parents both 99

Hello to everyone who took the time to send a reply it was extremely appreciated. I’m 72 and my husband is 78. I now have the safe home team visiting my elderly father 4 times per day plus occupational therapists which has been a great relief. My sister won’t give me her telephone number which I fail to understand. There’s little I can do about this. Your kindness and advice from you all has been greatly appreciated. As my grown up son n daughter live at the other side of the world I can honestly say I was at my wits end. My DH is not well and I was looking after my elderly mother at my house and my husband was being visited by his GP plus my elderly father was in hospital. It’s onky a few months ago when I too had an op. I was taking numerous calls from the various agencies at the hospital. I decided to contact gransnet in desperation! To be able to read all your comments and advice n to know there are others in a similar situation really helped. I’m getting there albeit slowly. Thank you to each and everyone one of you xxx

Lilyflower You have my sympathy. My sister insisted that our mother was found a residential place near her, as 'she couldn't travel far because of the children'. I had children too, but granted her wish. Sister visited Mum a few times, then picked a fight with her and never visited again. I was left in the position of having to travel over 20 miles each way with a small child. It took 4 bus journeys, and I was always worried in case I was delayed, making me late in collecting the other children from school. This continued for 2 years. Finally, when Mum needed care in a nursing home, I managed to find her a place near my home.

This story, OP, resonates with me as my own DS did the same when my DM had Alzheimer's and was in residential care. She accused me of leaving her to do the 'lion's share' of visiting etc. when she moved mum from being equidistant from both of us to within five minutes' walk of herself.

We could hardly fit in weekly visits when the car journeys took all day and, when, often, my DS did not offer us so much as a cup of tea when we were so far from home.

My Ds stonewalled, kept vital information about mum from us and was generally witholding so making impossible the demands she also placed on us to help.

I have no advice to offer. When communications break down it becomes impossible. Others think blame for difficulties lies on both parties and in our case it was the ill will of my DS which drove all the problems. It seems to be the case for you too. Having the moral high ground is of little comfort when you are under attack.

But you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Thank you all so very much for your response it’s been a great help and I am extremely grateful for your advice and support

Take care of yourself first - you are no good to anyone if you are ill and this situation won't help.

Siblings who make it known to everyone that they are doing the most, and then doing down others is not pleasant and disloyal. Unfortunately, this is something that happens all too often and the result is bad feeling and contact being lost.

Some people have a kind of 'martyr complex' which enables them to feel good about themselves and removes the need for personal responsibility.

There comes a time in life when we simply cannot do any more without personal consequences. Take time to think about you and your DH now, and the less you hear about what your sister says the better.

I really feel for you. I had elderly parents and they can be very vocal about not actually accepting help, although they need it. My friend's neighbour has a similar situation however, she is the elderly parent. Social Services spoke to her both son and daughter separately to get their views, which is then recorded (the son/daughter also don't get on). Social Services will then take the best route for the safety of the individual, not necessarily what the family wants to happen. Please do sort out LPA's for both your father and mother for health and welfare and monetary matters. You could also apply for Power of Attorney as it appears that your sister does not have your parents best interests at heart. My heart goes out to you, please take care of yourself and your husband.

Your sister informed SW no help was needed inspite of your efforts. You don't have her number but surely you have her address. Write to her telling her you cannot continue to give input due to your own circunstances and as she thinks no help is needed you are handing over contact with M & D to her. You have to be determined even though you have concerns about your parents but you cannot shoulder it all. As your sister has already spread lies about you anything else she says will be insignificant to you. Good luck and look after yourself.

Oh Twig I do feel for you ! I have my MIL living with us and today I haven taken her to her Wrens meeting - picked her up - got lunch - changed all her bedding - ironed it - cleaned the house - done the ironing - which has just packed up !! and not once has MIL offered me a glass of water - she has been with us since February - so don’t think there is any chance now- but you are under so much stress to what I have - and I feel under stress. It’s nice sometimes just to vent our feelings and know someone will answer. Try and take 10-15 minutes for yourself each day - I try it does help. Good luck - will be thinking of you - so many of us seem to be in the same boat - I suppose it’s called ‘Life’ x

You poor dear, there is a sister like yours in every family, but I doubt that is any consolation.

First, you have plenty to deal with your husband's and your own health, or was it your daughter? Bit confused, but the point is the same. You will get no thanks for wearing yourself out trying to help the entire family.

Consult your parents' GP immediately, and say you no longer can provide the help you formerly have given them, and that you are afraid the time has come for them to need outside help whether your mother likes it or not.

My mother came round to accepting it, even if she didn't like it very much, and yours probably will too.

Make what arrangements you can without discussing it with your sister. Once they are in place, write to her informing her of what has been put in place and that your and your husband's health make this necessary.

Try not to worry about her saying you do nothing.

If carers are to attend 4 times a day you will need to make sure there is a key safe on an outside wall in an unobtrusive place. hope the care team for your father will help you get this sorted. Sadly care is a highly divisive issue in any family and it seems you are at the receiving end of very unhelpful behaviour from your sister. Do feel for you and hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Be clear with your mother and sister about how much time you can give.
Work our a rota system with your sister and stick to it
If she won’t do this then tell her exactly when you will be caring for your parents and how often. Leave it up to her then!

yes, a lot to take in, my first thought was that if a relative of mine said what your sister appears to have said to you...
" My sister has never given me her mobile number in case I need to contact her" first off I would have text/mailed her with copies to whomsoever she is saying this to, asking her to give you her number, so you could have contacted her when you were doing... and then set out what I had been doing..

so that would be my first start off on this ... praying for you all.

Twig you have my sincere sympathy. I have been in a similar scenario (although it was sister-in-law upsetting the apple cart). We had Mum insisting at the social services meeting that she could manage and needed no help even when she could barely stand. We got round it by persuading her to accept carers 'just until she was back on her feet'. She only agreed because the arrangement sounded like a temporary measure and because the carers were paid for by the authorities for several weeks on hospital discharge (this varies according to where you live). I hope all goes well and you do get some help in place.

Oh Twig I often wonder how 2 siblings can be so un-alike. I have a good friend with a similar sister, and can but advise her to rise above it. Bottom line your immediate family comes first. You tried to organise help to make good this alleged shortfall, and she cancelled it - that says it all. Good luck

Dear Twig, please know that there are lots of us GNs out here, sending our sympathy and kind thoughts to you. (I appreciate that this isn't something "tangible" but you are not alone.) As other GNs have mentioned, do you and/or your sister have LPAs (Lasting Power of Attorney) for your parents? (If so, do you have both the "Money" LPA and the "health and welfare" LPA?) Having both these LPAs could/should be useful (and might make things easier for you) in how things may be managed. (I speak from some family experience in these matters.)

Oh yes, try to get PoA, good idea, but don’t tell your sister you’re doing it or include her, she sounds money grabbing.
Plus ask your daughter for sister’s number, if she’s been texted, she must have it.

Oh Twig, I feel for you. It’s difficult to know what to suggest. I have an elderly mother, 91 years old, and DH and I do a massive amount for her, without any help from my sister, but yours are both 99 which changes things. I wonder why your sister doesn’t want them to have care, but I can make a good guess. I suspect she doesn’t want their money draining away on care instead of her inheriting it.
I think I would speak to the Social Worker again, it seems to me that the SW needs to make a few unannounced visits to assess the situation. Whatever happens, you need to draw back from doing any more, and then maybe it will become clear to your parents that they need a carer for a few hours a week.
It’s a very difficult situation for you, but you have your own DH to care for, and when push comes to shove, your marriage must come first. Don’t allow your sister to bully you.

You have done so much to help, having been there (but as an only child - no other relatives) it was hard, you are an absolute angel to continue with everything else going on.
I agree with PP, get power of attorney - there are two aspects, one for finances and what I feel is important for you one for health and welfare. HTH

Hi you have done more than your share in very difficult circumstances so do not let your sister send you on a guilt trip. It is very unkind of her to act in this manner and as for persuading your mother to cancel her care that is plain daft and uncaring unless your sister is going to do it instead which sounds unlikely. Thanks goodness there is help for when your dad comes home but this will be for your dad and not your mum. You will know however that someone is going in each day and checking. Make sure they have your number so they can keep in touch with you.
I take it your mum has not given either you or your sister Power of Attorney. It would be a good idea to get her to do this whilst she still has mental capacity.
Again I can't understand why your sister won't give you her mobile number. Surely you need to work together on this or at least keep each other informed. If she doesn't want to speak you can text. I wouldn't give other members of the family information to pass on to her except to say "tell her to ring me and I will talk to her directly".
Idk how you have managed to do as much as you have. You deserve a pat on the back !

Have no useful/knowledgeable advice, but just want to say I feel for you and am sure there are waves of sympathy/good will coming from lots of us who read this.
Just a thought - are you maybe eligible to be classed as a carer for your husband which may give you some benefits if so.

Have you got Power of Attorney....please get legal advice.

How old are you please? It's an intolerable situation.

Twig, please pm me, I have a lot of experience like yours.

This is a " Care " topic but more people might respond on Chat.

I’m sorry I’m not use to the abbreviations Dd means my elderly dad. DH I meant my husband. I’m just so grateful to those who have replied. The situation is a big worry. I have today taken a call from the hospital safe home group and chatted things through with them. They are aware that the help I obtained a few months ago was stopped by my sister and mother so have told me plan A not worked but plan B will be put into operation as my DD will return home when all is in place for his wellbeing. It was good to know they listened and have been told 4 carers will visit each day along with physiotherapists. I have a meeting with them Wednesday at my parents house so hope all will go well. I’m so grateful to those who replied thank you I have had a tough time with my husband taking ill again n my mother staying with me plus visiting hospital to see my dad. I won’t get any joy from my sister I have written to her and tried. Thank all of you it was a blessing when I was at the end of my tether to put it in writing. X

Would your daughter give you your sister's phone number so that you can contact your sister direct, should the need arise ? It must be like trying to juggle with one hand tied behind your back - take care