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Care & carers

Elderly parents both 99

(28 Posts)
Twig14 Mon 26-Aug-19 09:25:27

Morning I am finding things very difficult at the moment. I have two elderly parents both aged 99. A couple of weeks ago my DD was taken into hospital as he had a lung infection he’s also got Alzheimer’s. They have both constantly refused any outside help apart from myself and my sister. Last year my DH was diagnosed with a serious blood condition and was very ill. I looked after him and due to being v tired I too took I’ll. I was therefore unable to do quite as much for my parents. During my Dd stay in hospital I have visited whenever I could my sister has let it be known that I have done nothing for years a blatant lie. In fact I brought my mother to stay with me last week during that time my DH took I’ll and I had to ask for a drs visit. My sister has family and gets help via her grown up daughter and son. I don’t have anyone apart from my DH n don’t live quite so near. My son works in the Far East and my Daughter works in Dubai. My sister has never given me her mobile number in case I need to contact her. She never calls me not even when I was in hospital myself recently nor do any of her family. She sent a text to my daughter claiming I had done nothing. This is so untrue I have done numerous hospital visits cooked meals n done shopping. In fact my parents GP realised the situation after my mother fell n wanted then to have some care. I went through everything with a Social worker n my mother agreed to help for a few hours once per week. I thought at least it was a start. All was ready to commence when the social worker called to say my sister had phoned her and she had discussed with my mother and that no help was required. I just don’t know what more I can do. My DH is 78 and not a well man. My mother demands to be taken to see my DD in hospital each evening. I cannot do this as much as my sister with help from her family. I took my mother home two days ago and had to ask my son daughter to text her as I won’t be given her mobile number. My daughter did that for me. During my mothers stay with me not one call cane from my sister to see how she was. I believe she is staying over now at my mothers but leaves her on her own all day. It’s a dreadful situation and don’t know what to do

Fennel Mon 26-Aug-19 12:45:03

Twig your story takes some absorbing.
After reading some of it, my own problems are insignificant.
Takes time to take it all in.

B9exchange Mon 26-Aug-19 12:51:48

You are having a dreadful time, I have been trying to think of anything to suggest to help. Perhaps if you kept a record of all the help you have given your parents, then visit your sister or ask her round, show her the evidence, and ask for her help in planning your parents' care?

BTW I am confused, DD on here means Dear Daughter, but seems to refer to your father?

Nico97 Mon 26-Aug-19 13:24:13

Would your daughter give you your sister's phone number so that you can contact your sister direct, should the need arise ? It must be like trying to juggle with one hand tied behind your back - take care flowers

Twig14 Mon 26-Aug-19 18:42:41

I’m sorry I’m not use to the abbreviations Dd means my elderly dad. DH I meant my husband. I’m just so grateful to those who have replied. The situation is a big worry. I have today taken a call from the hospital safe home group and chatted things through with them. They are aware that the help I obtained a few months ago was stopped by my sister and mother so have told me plan A not worked but plan B will be put into operation as my DD will return home when all is in place for his wellbeing. It was good to know they listened and have been told 4 carers will visit each day along with physiotherapists. I have a meeting with them Wednesday at my parents house so hope all will go well. I’m so grateful to those who replied thank you I have had a tough time with my husband taking ill again n my mother staying with me plus visiting hospital to see my dad. I won’t get any joy from my sister I have written to her and tried. Thank all of you it was a blessing when I was at the end of my tether to put it in writing. X

Lessismore Tue 27-Aug-19 09:32:14

Twig, please pm me, I have a lot of experience like yours.

This is a " Care " topic but more people might respond on Chat.

Lessismore Tue 27-Aug-19 09:32:58

How old are you please? It's an intolerable situation.

Lessismore Tue 27-Aug-19 09:34:13

Have you got Power of Attorney....please get legal advice.

nanamac77 Tue 27-Aug-19 10:34:08

Have no useful/knowledgeable advice, but just want to say I feel for you and am sure there are waves of sympathy/good will coming from lots of us who read this.
Just a thought - are you maybe eligible to be classed as a carer for your husband which may give you some benefits if so.

25Avalon Tue 27-Aug-19 10:53:10

Hi you have done more than your share in very difficult circumstances so do not let your sister send you on a guilt trip. It is very unkind of her to act in this manner and as for persuading your mother to cancel her care that is plain daft and uncaring unless your sister is going to do it instead which sounds unlikely. Thanks goodness there is help for when your dad comes home but this will be for your dad and not your mum. You will know however that someone is going in each day and checking. Make sure they have your number so they can keep in touch with you.
I take it your mum has not given either you or your sister Power of Attorney. It would be a good idea to get her to do this whilst she still has mental capacity.
Again I can't understand why your sister won't give you her mobile number. Surely you need to work together on this or at least keep each other informed. If she doesn't want to speak you can text. I wouldn't give other members of the family information to pass on to her except to say "tell her to ring me and I will talk to her directly".
Idk how you have managed to do as much as you have. You deserve a pat on the back !

Whingingmom Tue 27-Aug-19 11:05:19

You have done so much to help, having been there (but as an only child - no other relatives) it was hard, you are an absolute angel to continue with everything else going on.
I agree with PP, get power of attorney - there are two aspects, one for finances and what I feel is important for you one for health and welfare. HTH

maddyone Tue 27-Aug-19 11:31:36

Oh Twig, I feel for you. It’s difficult to know what to suggest. I have an elderly mother, 91 years old, and DH and I do a massive amount for her, without any help from my sister, but yours are both 99 which changes things. I wonder why your sister doesn’t want them to have care, but I can make a good guess. I suspect she doesn’t want their money draining away on care instead of her inheriting it.
I think I would speak to the Social Worker again, it seems to me that the SW needs to make a few unannounced visits to assess the situation. Whatever happens, you need to draw back from doing any more, and then maybe it will become clear to your parents that they need a carer for a few hours a week.
It’s a very difficult situation for you, but you have your own DH to care for, and when push comes to shove, your marriage must come first. Don’t allow your sister to bully you.

maddyone Tue 27-Aug-19 11:33:24

Oh yes, try to get PoA, good idea, but don’t tell your sister you’re doing it or include her, she sounds money grabbing.
Plus ask your daughter for sister’s number, if she’s been texted, she must have it.

Davida1968 Tue 27-Aug-19 11:43:08

Dear Twig, please know that there are lots of us GNs out here, sending our sympathy and kind thoughts to you. (I appreciate that this isn't something "tangible" but you are not alone.) As other GNs have mentioned, do you and/or your sister have LPAs (Lasting Power of Attorney) for your parents? (If so, do you have both the "Money" LPA and the "health and welfare" LPA?) Having both these LPAs could/should be useful (and might make things easier for you) in how things may be managed. (I speak from some family experience in these matters.)

Hm999 Tue 27-Aug-19 13:26:35

Oh Twig I often wonder how 2 siblings can be so un-alike. I have a good friend with a similar sister, and can but advise her to rise above it. Bottom line your immediate family comes first. You tried to organise help to make good this alleged shortfall, and she cancelled it - that says it all. Good luck

SunnySusie Tue 27-Aug-19 13:43:46

Twig you have my sincere sympathy. I have been in a similar scenario (although it was sister-in-law upsetting the apple cart). We had Mum insisting at the social services meeting that she could manage and needed no help even when she could barely stand. We got round it by persuading her to accept carers 'just until she was back on her feet'. She only agreed because the arrangement sounded like a temporary measure and because the carers were paid for by the authorities for several weeks on hospital discharge (this varies according to where you live). I hope all goes well and you do get some help in place.

polnan Tue 27-Aug-19 13:44:33

yes, a lot to take in, my first thought was that if a relative of mine said what your sister appears to have said to you...
" My sister has never given me her mobile number in case I need to contact her" first off I would have text/mailed her with copies to whomsoever she is saying this to, asking her to give you her number, so you could have contacted her when you were doing... and then set out what I had been doing..

so that would be my first start off on this ... praying for you all.

Bugbabe2019 Tue 27-Aug-19 14:19:23

Be clear with your mother and sister about how much time you can give.
Work our a rota system with your sister and stick to it
If she won’t do this then tell her exactly when you will be caring for your parents and how often. Leave it up to her then!

EmilyHarburn Tue 27-Aug-19 14:55:35

If carers are to attend 4 times a day you will need to make sure there is a key safe on an outside wall in an unobtrusive place. hope the care team for your father will help you get this sorted. Sadly care is a highly divisive issue in any family and it seems you are at the receiving end of very unhelpful behaviour from your sister. Do feel for you and hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 27-Aug-19 16:57:44

You poor dear, there is a sister like yours in every family, but I doubt that is any consolation.

First, you have plenty to deal with your husband's and your own health, or was it your daughter? Bit confused, but the point is the same. You will get no thanks for wearing yourself out trying to help the entire family.

Consult your parents' GP immediately, and say you no longer can provide the help you formerly have given them, and that you are afraid the time has come for them to need outside help whether your mother likes it or not.

My mother came round to accepting it, even if she didn't like it very much, and yours probably will too.

Make what arrangements you can without discussing it with your sister. Once they are in place, write to her informing her of what has been put in place and that your and your husband's health make this necessary.

Try not to worry about her saying you do nothing.

Jani Tue 27-Aug-19 19:22:09

Oh Twig I do feel for you ! I have my MIL living with us and today I haven taken her to her Wrens meeting - picked her up - got lunch - changed all her bedding - ironed it - cleaned the house - done the ironing - which has just packed up !! and not once has MIL offered me a glass of water - she has been with us since February - so don’t think there is any chance now- but you are under so much stress to what I have - and I feel under stress. It’s nice sometimes just to vent our feelings and know someone will answer. Try and take 10-15 minutes for yourself each day - I try it does help. Good luck - will be thinking of you - so many of us seem to be in the same boat - I suppose it’s called ‘Life’ x

4allweknow Tue 27-Aug-19 19:34:16

Your sister informed SW no help was needed inspite of your efforts. You don't have her number but surely you have her address. Write to her telling her you cannot continue to give input due to your own circunstances and as she thinks no help is needed you are handing over contact with M & D to her. You have to be determined even though you have concerns about your parents but you cannot shoulder it all. As your sister has already spread lies about you anything else she says will be insignificant to you. Good luck and look after yourself.

JANH Tue 27-Aug-19 20:02:54

I really feel for you. I had elderly parents and they can be very vocal about not actually accepting help, although they need it. My friend's neighbour has a similar situation however, she is the elderly parent. Social Services spoke to her both son and daughter separately to get their views, which is then recorded (the son/daughter also don't get on). Social Services will then take the best route for the safety of the individual, not necessarily what the family wants to happen. Please do sort out LPA's for both your father and mother for health and welfare and monetary matters. You could also apply for Power of Attorney as it appears that your sister does not have your parents best interests at heart. My heart goes out to you, please take care of yourself and your husband.

blue60 Tue 27-Aug-19 20:04:12

Take care of yourself first - you are no good to anyone if you are ill and this situation won't help.

Siblings who make it known to everyone that they are doing the most, and then doing down others is not pleasant and disloyal. Unfortunately, this is something that happens all too often and the result is bad feeling and contact being lost.

Some people have a kind of 'martyr complex' which enables them to feel good about themselves and removes the need for personal responsibility.

There comes a time in life when we simply cannot do any more without personal consequences. Take time to think about you and your DH now, and the less you hear about what your sister says the better.

Twig14 Tue 27-Aug-19 22:59:33

Thank you all so very much for your response it’s been a great help and I am extremely grateful for your advice and support