What the heck do I do?

This is such a difficult one. My mother is in Shropshire with 2carers four times a day and has many carers of different nationalities. She often becomes delusional and confused because of illness and the meds she takes and can be quite racist to her black and Asian carers. When she isn't too confused she gets on with them, and has become used to them over time. Good job because the agency is kept going by multi ethnic staff, mainly women. I think it's a matter of familiarity and the carer may be accepted for their role rather than their ethnicity over time. The only thing is, my mother isn't discriminatory in her paranoia and confusion and abuses anyone when in the mood, and has called carers fat, lazy ugly and so on. She can be pretty nasty to me too. I would say just grasp the bullet, explaining the problem to the carer. OH may hopefully get used to it.....you haven't a choice, apart from nursing home, you have more than enough to contend with it strikes me.

Riverwalk, yes they do, terrible terrible things are said and assumed.

Please do not discount residential care or see it as some sort of failure. It could be best all round.

I agree with Bradfordlass72

Your dh has irrational fears but he cannot be the one in charge of deciding his care. This is only going to ge worse.

You matter too. Please take care of yourself

or putting up with what you can get

A rather unfortunate phrase GrannySomerset - black carers are human beings who face any number of insults in their daily lives.

It will be the carer who will be 'putting up with'.

An impossible position for you to be in, and it looks like a home where most staff may be white or putting up with what you can get and dealing with the awful fall out. Does DH’s consultant have anything helpful to offer on the drugs front? You can’t manage without some form of consistent help.

What a sticky issue, Luckygirl. I've no advice but wish you the best.

New agency cannot find a carer unless stipulations are relaxed; so I have had a very difficult conversation with OH to the effect that if he does not accept a black carer, we are inevitably going to have to start looking at nursing homes. I feel a heel - but what else can I do? I can't manage him.

He has agreed and search is on now for Saturday.

No word from agency so I guess we will have to wait for a message on Monday about a new carer.We have a week left now to find someone new.

OH paranoid again today and in the middle of last night. He buzzed the carer in the night and trying to get some sense out of her as to why he buzzed and what he was saying is like getting blood out of a stone. She just goes round in circles and does not answer direct questions. I too had a sleepless night last night and feel as though I have woken in a mad house!

PD nurse is now away for 2 weeks, so not sure whom to turn to to get advice about meds to reduce the paranoia. I might just slightly up the dose of his ant-psychotic as he is on a very small dose.

Carer now has a bad back and is trying to find a private physio to visit.She is going to stop being a carer when this placement finishes on Saturday - she should never have been doing it as was advised against by a consultant.

Two patients here!

You obviously don't know the law paddyann - maybe it's different in Scotland.

sorry for the double post ,no idea how that happened

could you advertise for someone born locally ,using the local area as an excuse .Maybe say your husband would like someone who has memories of the area where he grew up an dhas lived all his life so they could share experiences to keep him interested and amused.If as you say balck faces are rare in the area chances are you'll get white locals only.

could you advertise for someone born locally ,using the local area as an excuse .Maybe say your husband would like someone who has memories of the area where he grew up an dhas lived all his life so they could share experiences to keep him interested and amused.If as you say balck faces are rare in the area chances are you'll get white locals only.

I feel so very sorry for you lucky and my tendency is to be on your side and suggest that before you get too exhausted and drained of all emotional strength you grasp the nettle and tell him it's the carer who's sent, whatever their ethnic origins, or residential care in the all white rest home.

I tend to feel that as it will come to that eventually, it is better to happen now and not let the illness be an excuse for you being run into the ground.

Poor you

I’m sure River is right - the agency simply could not lawfully send you only the profile of white careers - they would be discrimination against their black staff. I don’t think you should mention the issue again to the agency - I think they might be within their rights to take you off their books. All you can do is cross your fingers and hope a white carer crops up. Sorry this is so hard for you.

I haven't got any help to offer, just wishing you good luck in your search for someone your DH will both like and enjoy being cared for by.

Indeed it is a pity - but what can I do? I cannot risk re-igniting the paranoia - no-one gets any sleep, apart from his fear and distress.

I absolutely take the point about breaking the law, which is why it is so hard to broach this with the agency.

You only get two or three profiles to look at so the choice is limited. I have liked several of them, but in the end my OH has to be the one to choose who he wants to wipe his bum and fix his catheter, even though his judgement is impaired. His reasoning is wrong on this case - but, as the thread title says: "What the heck can I do?"

As if life were not complicated enough for you Lucky! Good luck and hope you find a new carer soon.

I expect they send profiles of black carers because they'd be breaking the law if they didn't.

Can you have a close read of some of the profiles and study the photos and see if there's any that you yourself like the look of and investigate further. And somehow tell your husband that he must give her a chance and see how it goes. Of course it could be traumatic for the carer if she's abused by him - it must hurt.

I've recently been working with a middle-aged black South African carer and she's the kindest and most efficient woman you'd want around you - it's a pity that you're missing out on the service that people like her provide.

Oh gosh lucky I am so sorry you find yourself in this impossible situation. It seems as if you hit another obstacle at every turn. I wish I had an answer for you, or even a workable suggestion. I do hope you find a way through this nightmare maze soon.

Oh what a dilemma on top of all you've been through. Of course live-in care is a different dimension to a carer coming several times a day. I have no practical solution to offer, but hope that someone comes along who can tolerate his prejudice and be able to accept that it's the illness speaking not him. You must feel drained.

Exactly lucky but a place you don’t deserve to be. I imagine you are being sent the profiles because they are the only people available. Doesn’t help you a bit but equally doesn’t mean the agency isn’t listening to you and understanding. I’m hoping for a miracle for you in the guise of a suitable white career who will not be upsetting for your husband. Love to you both.

Yes - you are right - I have explained but it seems like water off a duck's back! I still get sent profiles of black carers - I can only presume that this is because most of the carers are black. I am sure that any of them would be fine - but I do not want to risk triggering more paranoia.

Definitely a rock and a hard place!

I would explain to the agency exactly as you’ve told us they will of encountered this before I’m sure, and may be able to accommodate him. Good luck.

My GD is a carer,has done live in care for dementia,community domicillary care,and currently working in residential care.

My GD is of white African dual heritage,she encounters this on a daily basis,especially as we are semi rural in the East of England.

Although only 20,she realises that this is the illness speaking and not the person and takes no offence.

Have been following your struggles * Lucky*,you are between the proverbial rock and hard place,and I feel for you