What the heck do I do?

vena11
But you did...

I think that, in the main, there are other countries in the world where the older generation are cared for, respected and valued unlike some places I could (but won't) mention.

Not worth replying to.

...and I can't even have a preference...what's that all about.

Talk about reverse racism...I'm white English.

Yes, you did.

Did I read this last post correctly.?

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Oh Luckygirl, I so feel for you. My elderly father told one of his Carers to ‘go back to where you came from’ and I went outside with her, so embarrassed and upset - and even disgusted with my adored father, and apologised to her and ended up sobbing for her I was so upset. She was the kindest Carer we had ever had and couldn’t do enough for my Dad, even afterwards. A true lady.

Thanks Lazigirl - it is all a challenge - and mostly on here you hear about the bad bits! - but we have all faced different challenges in our long lives - this is just another one! It does indeed help to hear the views of others on how to deal with it all, so thank you all for that.

It is so sad and stressful to bear these illnesses and infirmities which are more likely as we age, and thank you for sharing your honest, difficult and very personal thoughts and experiences annsixty and Luckygirl. We can only send our sympathy and kind thoughts, but it may help those who are struggling now or in the future to know they are not alone, and just airing difficulties publicly may hopefully effect some changes in the future.

I had to tell the hospital that my uncle would only converse with (or be touched by) white British people. He found any unfamiliar accent totally incomprehensible so would refuse to engage with or even recognise the presence of others.

I explained that it was rooted in deep fear so perhaps they could report the reason to staff. We had to wait a very long time for treatment, though! When I told my GP he said that an elderly male patient refused to go to hospital at all unless an interpreter was provided. I too have problems if a person can't speak clear English.

I understand and it makes sense to me. My uncle fought wars against 'foreigners'so has a fear and mistrust of them. I had an abusive mother and cannot stand being touched by a female.

My thoughts are with you Lucky, life is difficult enough without this added stress.
My dad's cousin was the most polite, genteel lady until she developed dementia, she then started swearing and being rude to the carers in the home. She was evicted from one home.

We just have to admit they are just not the people we know and loved.
My H was a virtual stranger to me for the last 2/3 years of his life.
We care for them because we remember the person they were, the one we fell in love with and who loved us but the sad fact is I don’t think we love the person they become and I don’t believe they love us,.
It takes living through it to realise this awful truth.
I hope I don’t shock by saying this, it is just my belief, sad that it makes me.

Luckyso sorry to read all this. It is exactly what Phoenix said. My mum was always wary of black men but she loves the ones in the home where she is now as they are so kind and gentle.

Couldn't have put it better phoenix. That is exactly what it is. Lucky my heart aches for all you're having to deal with at the moment.

Can't do more than send positive thoughts for you Luckygirl. As you know, if your husband goes into hospital or residential care, he will meet many black/Asian doctors, nurses and carers. Residential care may in fact be something of a relief for you when it comes. I remember you saying one of your daughters was set against it, I do hope she can move slightly as her dad's needs grow x

Just popping in to see how you are, happy birthday to your husband. Hope you have happy memories of past birthdays today. xx

Thinking of you Lucky. Things will improve somehow. Just take a day at a time.x

Exactly what phoenix said!

Luckygirl what shit it all is at times (Sorry if my language offends anyone, but surely that is how it is?)

Sending good wishes to you.

so very very sorry you both find yourself in this situation.

Thank you for good wishes and suggestions.

Carer from Zimbabwe is coming on Saturday and I will play it by ear as to what I say to her - I will see how things pan out.

It is OH's birthday today and one lot of family came round with a cake and excited children wanting to light the candle etc. It was hard to gently persuade him to try and take an interest as he was obsessed with the idea that today was the day I would be doing away with him. It is heart-breaking to watch as he would have been thrilled to see them before - and have joined in the fun. My DD put the cake with the candle in front of him while we sang Happy Birthday and he asked "What do I do with this?" How very sad it all is. Life can be a bugger sometimes.

Look - in his condition it seems he could become paranoid about anyone and anything at any time. Carers are generally low paid or very low paid. I suppose they are thin on the ground anyway. I think black health workers/carers will live with your OH paranoia if they understand it is caused by his condition and if you cannot find anyone else he will have to live with whoever you can get and afford. Good luck!

Lucky, my mum was the most racist person imaginable but grew to really love her black career. In fact the feeling was mutual.

I think her innate need to be polite helped but I did warn all the care staff. They said they took it in their stride and didnt take offence so, maybe, be open with any carers with whom he might be not quite PC.