Bruised and broken

you need to say GOODBYE

You’re being treated like shit... dump him! Simple as!!!

I’m sorry to say this. but I think he just feels he’s swapped one mother for another.

This man is a user - best to let him go his own way and you go yours. Mummy's Boy springs to mind, who then jumped at the next female to offer him help. Nobody likes to be taken for granted. If you want to care for people then there are many charities who would be grateful for your help as a volunteer. Chin up and move on with your life, this man is just a drain on you and your emotions, and finances.

Attendance allowance is meant to help cover costs for care. You should tell him you need some costs covered and that is what the allowance is for. If not he can go get his DD to see to him. You seem to have much more invested in this friendship than he has. Unfortunately he is taking advantage of this. Some clear talking required afraid.

Get a cat. It would be more companionship than he has ever provided. Plus if it was rude you can put it outside for a while.

I think you need to have a frank but calm discussion with him.

It is likely you will need to think about discontinuing or at least curtailing the friendship.

Ooeyisit, he is a user

I've got an awful feeling your ungrateful friend thought he was doing you a favour popping round each day, joining you for meals and keeping you company. He doesn't realise how much you've done for him as it seems to me you just took over his mother's role, and I don't imagine he appreciated her either. Move on.

He a ‘user-upper’ of people and you’re his mug!!
I know because I live with one!

Ooeyisit I think the way this chap is currently treating you is a clear indication you are doing too much and being taken for granted. Over time he has just come to accept all you have done without thinking about the cost to you in practical terms or emotionally. Possibly its a situation that has just developed over time, rather than intentionally, and he may have assumed you enjoyed the near daily contact. Not seeing him for a week is a good start on re-calibrating your relationship. Is it possible for you to see him a couple of times a week, rather than every day, then you wont miss his companionship, and hopefully he wont treat you so casually? Use the time to pick up with other friends, or go out and do something else, maybe another volunteering role if you enjoy that. You are less likely to miss him if you keep busy.

My heart goes out to you Ooeyisit and it is no wonder that you feel broken and bruised. As you say, it isn't the money it's the way you have been treated and all you do for your friend brushed aside in a such a callous way. Nobody likes to feel disrespected, let alone by such an old friend for whom you have done so much.
However, maybe this is a blessing in disguise as you have now seen your friend in his true colours. Keep your distance, my dear. Let his daughter take over his care and see how she (and he) like it, especially as his "progressive disease" progresses. You are well out of it and are obviously a very caring and loving person so now maybe you can direct these wonderful traits to a more deserving companion in the future.
In the meantime, try not to dwell on this betrayal. You are such a good person and he is obviously not! Hugs and ?? to you.

ps Amost same thing happened to me ...I was (of course, he was my husband) my husband;s carer until he died. We lived in France and I asked my step daughter if she would visit her father ...I asked many times whilst he was ill as he would liked to have seen her. She said no, she was far too busy (she is 56, unmarried, living alone with two cats) I offered to pay her air fare and pick her up from the airport (as she also said she couldn't find our house (she did visit ONCE in the 12 odd years we lived there ...and was collected and taken back to the airport by me) AS SOON as he died, she was asking for a copy of the Will and wanting to know what she would get …..I simply referred her to the Notaire and told her to deal with him (in France, the law of Succession is very different to the UK) The Notaire told her everything had been completed true to the law and that if she wished to contest it, it would cost her thousands of euros and likely take 2 years to go to Court in France ...she would have to hire a professional legally recognised translator and end up probably with nothing...…..I now refuse to get involved and simply repeat Get in touch with the Notaire …..families !!!!!!!!!!!!

I do actually have lots of interests and have two voluntary jobs but he has been one my (every day at some point companion ,) I have no doubts he will be missing all that I do . As I said before it’s not about money just a lack of respect . It’s the tone in which he speaks to me. I would never dream of speaking to any of my friends this way . What devastated me was him saying he didn’t think I was the right person .For the life of me I can’t imagine anyone going to the lengths I go to ,In fact I can’t imagine anyone expecting it , let alone being so ungrateful ,.I will be fine just had a bit of a downer yesterday but thank you for all your thoughts .

Harsh but you should tell him you are no longer able to have him in your home so often as you cannot afford the additional heating bills and food …..then suggest you find a carer who will require payment (after all, that is what AA is intended for) and actively start looking. If he refuses, write (don't phone or visit, and show him a copy) a letter to his daughter outling what you propose to do and reasons why. Give him a copy so he is aware she is aware and sit back and wait …………..

You sound like the kind of person we would be blessed to have around. You are kind and caring for sure. There is another side to caring, its the need to be needed and maybe its pretty strong in your life.
I think you need to move on,
Make new friends, put your kind heart into other projects, volunteer, find a new hobby. But move on.
If he contacts you, review the dynamic, be honest wuth him, stop doing for him. Tea n chat, no more. He has made it very clear. You dont deserve financial recompense, his lazy daughter does. Low, low blow. Walk away.
Look at this as a fresh chapter, wishing you well.

Goodness, this is a grown man who lived with his mother long into adulthood and then found immediately found some other woman to take on waiting on him hand and foot. Has he EVER done anything for himself? I realise you like him a lot but you are not a skivvy so for the sake of self-respect, do stop behaving like one.
If I sound harsh, it's because a family member (male) was very similar. He'd never so much as used a washing machine, cooked a meal or ironed anything. Can you imagine a woman being able to get away with this?

I have read /re read and cannot understand why continue what you do. What do you see happening from this unpaid arrangement.?You may not want payment but why let yourself be used by someone who calls the tune, is not house bound leaving the house unaided and does not want your company when doing so. There are plenty who would appreciate what you are doing Give your time to one of those.

Hi Good Afternoon I know this might come over a little harsh but stop being used as a door mat, look after you put your your best dress on go and join a meeting club and enjoy yourself as life is to short.

Agree totally with advice given. Someone like you with a loving heart and caring disposition could be doing so much good now. Age Concern, local hospital, homeless shelter, perhaps even local school.

I was used by a neighbour and it feels like such a betrayal. Her sister tried to warn me but I had to find out the hard way when her youngest started nursery and the door was firmly shut in my face. Big learning curve but I am more cautious now but still help out when I can.

gave given have given

I'm so sorry to read your story and it's my guess that you have, unwittingly, become far more emotionally involved with this needy mummy's boy' than is good for you.
Firstly, his mother did everything for him,(my assumption) then he turned to you when she died and you, being the kindly generous woman you are, carried on where his mother left off.
Has he never worked since you've known him?

I'm afraid that he is a taker, as others on here have said and you gave given too much of yourself.

Please step back and think long and hard about continuing this one-sided 'friendship' as he seems to think it's his right, not a privilege you afford him.

Make another life for yourself and wean him off your generosity.
I wish you all the very best and remember... we are here for you 24/7 and ask nothing from you. ??

Sounds like a typical arrogant man who is misusing you and your kindness. If it was me, I would be off.

This man has been manipulating you for years...he uses you to provide him with food, shelter & companionship BUT it's on his terms..if you thought that it would be reciprocated then I'm sorry it wont be...leave him alone and see if he come grovelling.. if he doesn't then you know he never needed you...go out and get a life of your own

I think that not checking with him first on the career issue vs going with people told you was a mistake.