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Care & carers

Bruised and broken

(50 Posts)
Ooeyisit Tue 29-Oct-19 14:23:55

I have a friend who lived with his mother .I used to go and help out in any way I could .When she died he was lost so I started doing the odd meal which over the years turned into every meal. I have loved this man and he now has a progressive Illness. I applied for him to have s parking bay at his home .I filled in all the forms it took hours , It was initially turned down and it said it helped if you were in receipt of any kind of help ,I told him to apply for attendance allowance which he did and got it . During another enquiry of my own I was advised to apply for carers allowance . While I have never wanted paying it is becoming expensive TV on all day heating on as he’s always cold . I told him I had been advised to apply to which he said I don’t think you are the right person to do my care .REALLY . Anyway I let it go. Thinking about it I think he wants his daughter to get the allowance even though she never does anything for him .Doesn't even visit . The following day we were going out and he spoke to me so disrespectfully it was like the last straw. I know I’m just being used but I haven't seen him for over a week and I miss him .In fact my heart is broken even though I know he’s controlled me for so long ,what are your thoughts on this .

grapefruitpip Tue 29-Oct-19 14:28:08

I'm really sorry but I am struggling to understand this situation.

Without being rude....what is it you want? A companion?

Anniebach Tue 29-Oct-19 14:33:37

I don’t understand sorry, you have your heating and tv on all day, is he living with you?

Ooeyisit Tue 29-Oct-19 14:41:17

No he just comes to my house every day when he’s not going out . We are friends

Ooeyisit Tue 29-Oct-19 14:42:33

Yes grapefruitpip my children live a long way away and yes it’s the compsnionship

wildswan16 Tue 29-Oct-19 15:36:53

If he is receiving attendance allowance then he should be giving you a wage for the care and "attendance" you are giving him.

It doesn't sound as if he is very respectful of you, your home, or your finances. Is this really someone you feel you want in your life, or is he just better than having no-one?

We all need companionship but maybe you need to look elsewhere.

notnecessarilywiser Tue 29-Oct-19 15:39:51

I'm sure he'll be missing your companionship soon, Ooeyisit ; you sound like a good friend. If you were to suggest alternating between your house and his for future occasions that would at least mean that your expenditure is reduced, wouldn't it?

With regard to the Carer's Allowance, personally I'd steer well clear of this. His needs today might be only a chat and a cuppa but in the future you could feel morally obliged to perform more personal functions! His comments regarding his daughter would make me think that fond as he may be of you, you're Not Family.

Daisymae Tue 29-Oct-19 17:51:02

Maybe his family are already claiming carers allowance for him? Sounds to me like this friendhi

Daisymae Tue 29-Oct-19 17:52:55

Sorry posted too soon - friendship has run its course. If you pick it up again it had to be on a different footing. He seems to be using you, friendship is a two way street.

grapefruitpip Tue 29-Oct-19 17:53:01

I suppose a decent friend, no matter how ill ,would offer to contribute to bills.

FlexibleFriend Tue 29-Oct-19 18:42:50

He's one of life's takers and has found one of life's givers. I think it's time he learnt nothing in life is free as you've already
discovered this companionship is proving very expensive. I wouldn't allow anyone to disrespect me let alone pay for the privilege. I'd bin him quite frankly on that basis alone, if you miss him that much work out how much it's costing you and tell him what the daily charge is for future visits. Then you'll know how much he values you. I'd find myself some less needy friends on 'meet up' and get something in return.

Ooeyisit Tue 29-Oct-19 19:04:09

Thanks to you all . I just keep having bad moments but I will get through it . It’s not so much about money but more about me being told I am not the right person .I read that as I’m ok to do it all for free but if there’s any money involved it’s for his family ,. Thanks all I will recover but just keep having bad moments .

BlueBelle Tue 29-Oct-19 19:23:58

I m not sure whether you are mates, or friends with benefits or whether you d like it to be more. It does sound as if you have a very different take on the friendship/ relationship than he does
Perhaps the lines have been blurred in your wish to look after him and be important in his life as you haven’t seen him for a week I have to be blunt and say I don’t think he thinks about you as much as you him
Perhaps you could withdraw a bit and start doing things for yourself with other friends as it feels as if you’re on a hiding to nothing with this guy

DoraMarr Tue 29-Oct-19 21:19:23

I think you sound like a very kind person. However, I also think you are undervalued, and it’s time you thought about yourself more. Without this man’s companionship ( to be honest, sitting in front of the tv all day doesn’t sound very companionable) what can you do that will enrich your life? Have you any other friends? Could you pursue a hobby or interest? I think you need to get away for a few days, if you can afford it, and put this man and your relationship with him into perspective.
Also, to be blunt, if he has a progressive illness he will not be much fun to be with, and you may end up caring for him in ways you would not want, only for the daughter to inherit whatever he has. Meanwhile, your life will have become limited as you have spent so much time looking after him. Best wishes- I hope you can see a way out of your predicament. You’re worth it.

crazyH Tue 29-Oct-19 21:24:50

You are being used. Leave his daughter to look after him. You are just an unpaid slave. Sorry. But, a very kind, unpaid slave .

Alexa Tue 29-Oct-19 22:37:33

I quite understand how you feel your heart is broken, and I am sorry.
Your friend seems to be stupid. An intelligent man would know pretty well how much you do for him and pay you accordingly. I think you should charge him for your services.

His disrespectful speech to you is something else. Was this unusual? He might have been in a bad mood, or in pain, or anxious, and you could let this pass just this once . If he is disrespectful again express your anger or hurt so he understands you mean it.

Alexa Tue 29-Oct-19 22:41:38

PS If you don't receive something in his will you could feel undervalued and snubbed. I think you tell him you want to be able to remember him with affection after he is gone.

grapefruitpip Wed 30-Oct-19 08:23:32

Could you try to develop some interests and acquaintances away from this person? Just something small to start with.

Cabbie21 Wed 30-Oct-19 08:50:02

I agree with all of the above advice.
I can’t see why you had to have him come to your house every day and bear the increased costs yourself, so it seems you are well out if this situation now.
In any case, Carer’s allowance is not going to pay you any money if you are getting State Pension. Sorry if I am jumping to conclusions. I don’t know your circumstances.

Bbbface Wed 30-Oct-19 11:58:09

No where gives any examples of him controlling you.

You say you love him.

You think you should get carers allowance but you refer to herring and tv costs. These don’t constitute caring! You filled in a form for him to get a permit. Isn’t that just a friend geeking out a friend?

Bbbface Wed 30-Oct-19 12:00:24

*No he just comes to my house every day when he’s not going out . We are friends*

You would never get carers allowance.

Jaye53 Wed 30-Oct-19 12:12:18

You sound a very caring person and i think you are missing your family too much.but you could volunteer tobe a companion to a lonely person.Age Concern have a scheme where you visit the elderly in their home as they have no one to visit them.its a good many lonely people have families but dont visit them. Also I think his daughter should look after him now. Also you wont get Carers allowance im afraid.hope this

Hithere Wed 30-Oct-19 12:18:33

I am sorry he doesn't see the relationship the same way as you do.

Do you do any care for him? Cook, clean, give him showers, etc?

Jaye53 Wed 30-Oct-19 12:21:17

Would also like to add your local library has lists of groups to join. Its getting near Christmas so I recommend you signing up ASAP.
there is so much out there for you if your prepared to take the first step to a new life.good deserve it and owe it to yourself.

Shandy3 Wed 30-Oct-19 12:23:21

A companion should be somebody you feel you can talk to. The question 'why is it you feel I'm not the right person ' should be easy to ask a 'good companion '. If you dont feel you can ask, maybe the question for yourself is what is it about the relationship you dont feel safe with?
If you can ask then maybe his explanation will help you understand the reasons he has, and you can make a decision about the future if your relationship from there.